How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting
-
0:01 - 0:04You know, I didn't set out
to be a parenting expert. -
0:05 - 0:08In fact, I'm not very interested
in parenting, per Se. -
0:09 - 0:13It's just that there's a certain style
of parenting these days -
0:13 - 0:16that is kind of messing up kids,
-
0:16 - 0:21impeding their chances
to develop into theirselves. -
0:21 - 0:24There's a certain style
of parenting these days -
0:24 - 0:25that's getting in the way.
-
0:25 - 0:27I guess what I'm saying is,
-
0:27 - 0:29we spend a lot of time
being very concerned -
0:29 - 0:32about parents who aren't involved enough
in the lives of their kids -
0:32 - 0:34and their education or their upbringing,
-
0:34 - 0:35and rightly so.
-
0:36 - 0:38But at the other end of the spectrum,
-
0:38 - 0:41there's a lot of harm
going on there as well, -
0:41 - 0:44where parents feel
a kid can't be successful -
0:44 - 0:48unless the parent is protecting
and preventing at every turn -
0:48 - 0:52and hovering over every happening,
and micromanaging every moment, -
0:52 - 0:57and steering their kid towards
some small subset of colleges and careers. -
0:59 - 1:01When we raise kids this way,
-
1:01 - 1:03and I'll say we,
-
1:03 - 1:06because Lord knows,
in raising my two teenagers, -
1:06 - 1:09I've had these tendencies myself,
-
1:09 - 1:13our kids end up leading
a kind of checklisted childhood. -
1:13 - 1:16And here's what the checklisted
childhood looks like. -
1:16 - 1:19We keep them safe and sound
-
1:19 - 1:21and fed and watered,
-
1:22 - 1:24and then we want to be sure
they go to the right schools, -
1:24 - 1:27that they're in the right classes
at the right schools, -
1:27 - 1:30and that they get the right grades
in the right classes in the right schools. -
1:30 - 1:32But not just the grades, the scores,
-
1:32 - 1:35and not just the grades and scores,
but the accolades and the awards -
1:35 - 1:38and the sports,
the activities, the leadership. -
1:38 - 1:40We tell our kids, don't just join a club,
-
1:40 - 1:42start a club, because colleges
want to see that. -
1:42 - 1:44And check the box for community service.
-
1:44 - 1:46I mean, show the colleges
you care about others. -
1:46 - 1:48(Laughter)
-
1:48 - 1:53And all of this is done to some
hoped-for degree of perfection. -
1:53 - 1:56We expect our kids
to perform at a level of perfection -
1:56 - 1:59we were never asked
to perform at ourselves, -
1:59 - 2:01and so because so much is required,
-
2:01 - 2:03we think,
-
2:03 - 2:06well then, of course we parents
have to argue with every teacher -
2:06 - 2:08and principal and coach and referee
-
2:09 - 2:11and act like our kid's concierge
-
2:11 - 2:13and personal handler
-
2:14 - 2:16and secretary.
-
2:16 - 2:18And then with our kids, our precious kids,
-
2:18 - 2:20we spend so much time nudging,
-
2:20 - 2:24cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling,
nagging as the case may be, -
2:25 - 2:27to be sure they're not screwing up,
-
2:27 - 2:30not closing doors,
-
2:30 - 2:32not ruining their future,
-
2:32 - 2:35some hoped-for admission
-
2:35 - 2:37to a tiny handful of colleges
-
2:37 - 2:40that deny almost every applicant.
-
2:43 - 2:48And here's what it feels like
to be a kid in this checklisted childhood. -
2:48 - 2:51First of all, there's
no time for free play. -
2:51 - 2:52There's no room in the afternoons,
-
2:52 - 2:55because everything
has to be enriching, we think. -
2:55 - 2:59It's as if every piece of homework,
every quiz, every activity -
2:59 - 3:03is a make-or-break moment
for this future we have in mind for them, -
3:03 - 3:06and we absolve them
of helping out around the house, -
3:06 - 3:10and we even absolve them
of getting enough sleep -
3:10 - 3:15as long as they're checking off
the items on their checklist. -
3:15 - 3:18And in the checklisted childhood,
we say we just want them to be happy, -
3:18 - 3:20but when they come home from school,
-
3:21 - 3:24what we ask about all too often first
-
3:24 - 3:27is their homework and their grades.
-
3:27 - 3:29And they see in our faces
-
3:29 - 3:31that our approval, that our love,
-
3:31 - 3:33that their very worth,
-
3:33 - 3:35comes from A's.
-
3:35 - 3:37And then we walk alongside them
-
3:37 - 3:42and offer clucking praise like a trainer
at the Westminster Dog Show -- -
3:42 - 3:43(Laughter)
-
3:43 - 3:49coaxing them to just jump a little higher
and soar a little farther, -
3:49 - 3:52day after day after day.
-
3:52 - 3:54And when they get to high school,
-
3:54 - 3:56they don't say, "Well, what might I
be interested in studying -
3:57 - 3:58or doing as an activity?"
-
3:58 - 3:59They go to counselors and they say,
-
4:00 - 4:03"What do I need to do
to get into the right college?" -
4:03 - 4:06And then, when the grades
start to roll in in high school, -
4:06 - 4:08and they're getting some B's,
-
4:08 - 4:10or God forbid some C's,
-
4:10 - 4:12they frantically text their friends
-
4:12 - 4:17and say, "Has anyone ever gotten
into the right college with these grades?" -
4:18 - 4:19And our kids,
-
4:20 - 4:23regardless of where they end up
at the end of high school, -
4:23 - 4:24they're breathless.
-
4:25 - 4:27They're brittle.
-
4:27 - 4:28They're a little burned out.
-
4:28 - 4:30They're a little old before their time,
-
4:30 - 4:34wishing the grown-ups in their lives
had said, "What you've done is enough, -
4:34 - 4:37this effort you've put forth
in childhood is enough." -
4:37 - 4:42And they're withering now
under high rates of anxiety and depression -
4:42 - 4:44and some of them are wondering,
-
4:44 - 4:48will this life ever turn out
to have been worth it? -
4:50 - 4:52Well, we parents,
-
4:52 - 4:55we parents are pretty sure
it's all worth it. -
4:55 - 4:56We seem to behave --
-
4:56 - 4:59it's like we literally think
they will have no future -
4:59 - 5:04if they don't get into one of these
tiny set of colleges or careers -
5:04 - 5:05we have in mind for them.
-
5:06 - 5:09Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid
-
5:09 - 5:11they won't have a future we can brag about
-
5:11 - 5:15to our friends and with stickers
on the backs of our cars. -
5:18 - 5:19Yeah.
-
5:19 - 5:21(Applause)
-
5:25 - 5:27But if you look at what we've done,
-
5:27 - 5:31if you have the courage
to really look at it, -
5:31 - 5:34you'll see that not only do our kids
think their worth comes -
5:34 - 5:36from grades and scores,
-
5:36 - 5:40but that when we live right up inside
their precious developing minds -
5:40 - 5:44all the time, like our very own version
of the movie "Being John Malkovich," -
5:44 - 5:46we send our children the message:
-
5:46 - 5:51"Hey kid, I don't think you can actually
achieve any of this without me." -
5:51 - 5:54And so with our overhelp,
-
5:54 - 5:57our overprotection
and overdirection and hand-holding, -
5:57 - 6:01we deprive our kids
of the chance to build self-efficacy, -
6:01 - 6:04which is a really fundamental tenet
of the human psyche, -
6:04 - 6:07far more important
than that self-esteem they get -
6:07 - 6:09every time we applaud.
-
6:09 - 6:15Self-efficacy is built when one sees
that one's own actions lead to outcomes, -
6:15 - 6:17not --
-
6:17 - 6:18There you go.
-
6:18 - 6:21(Applause)
-
6:22 - 6:25Not one's parents'
actions on one's behalf, -
6:25 - 6:28but when one's own actions
lead to outcomes. -
6:28 - 6:30So simply put,
-
6:30 - 6:35if our children are to develop
self-efficacy, and they must, -
6:35 - 6:40then they have to do a whole lot more
of the thinking, planning, deciding, -
6:40 - 6:44doing, hoping, coping, trial and error,
-
6:44 - 6:47dreaming and experiencing of life
-
6:47 - 6:48for themselves.
-
6:49 - 6:52Now, am I saying
-
6:52 - 6:54every kid is hard-working and motivated
-
6:54 - 6:57and doesn't need a parent's involvement
or interest in their lives, -
6:57 - 6:59and we should just back off and let go?
-
7:00 - 7:01Hell no.
-
7:01 - 7:02(Laughter)
-
7:03 - 7:04That is not what I'm saying.
-
7:04 - 7:08What I'm saying is, when we treat
grades and scores and accolades and awards -
7:08 - 7:10as the purpose of childhood,
-
7:10 - 7:14all in furtherance of some hoped-for
admission to a tiny number of colleges -
7:14 - 7:17or entrance to a small number of careers,
-
7:17 - 7:21that that's too narrow a definition
of success for our kids. -
7:21 - 7:25And even though we might help them
achieve some short-term wins -
7:25 - 7:26by overhelping --
-
7:26 - 7:30like they get a better grade
if we help them do their homework, -
7:30 - 7:34they might end up with a longer
childhood résumé when we help -- -
7:35 - 7:38what I'm saying is that all of this
comes at a long-term cost -
7:39 - 7:41to their sense of self.
-
7:41 - 7:43What I'm saying is,
we should be less concerned -
7:43 - 7:45with the specific set of colleges
-
7:45 - 7:48they might be able
to apply to or might get into -
7:48 - 7:53and far more concerned that they have
the habits, the mindset, the skill set, -
7:53 - 7:58the wellness, to be successful
wherever they go. -
7:58 - 7:59What I'm saying is,
-
7:59 - 8:04our kids need us to be a little
less obsessed with grades and scores -
8:04 - 8:06and a whole lot more interested
-
8:06 - 8:11in childhood providing
a foundation for their success -
8:11 - 8:14built on things like love
-
8:15 - 8:16and chores.
-
8:16 - 8:19(Laughter)
-
8:19 - 8:21(Applause)
-
8:23 - 8:26Did I just say chores?
Did I just say chores? I really did. -
8:28 - 8:30But really, here's why.
-
8:31 - 8:35The longest longitudinal study
of humans ever conducted -
8:35 - 8:37is called the Harvard Grant Study.
-
8:37 - 8:39It found that professional
success in life, -
8:40 - 8:42which is what we want for our kids,
-
8:42 - 8:46that professional success in life
comes from having done chores as a kid, -
8:46 - 8:48and the earlier you started, the better,
-
8:48 - 8:50that a roll-up-your-sleeves-
and-pitch-in mindset, -
8:50 - 8:53a mindset that says,
there's some unpleasant work, -
8:53 - 8:55someone's got to do it,
it might as well be me, -
8:55 - 8:56a mindset that says,
-
8:56 - 8:59I will contribute my effort
to the betterment of the whole, -
8:59 - 9:02that that's what gets you ahead
in the workplace. -
9:02 - 9:05Now, we all know this. You know this.
-
9:05 - 9:08(Applause)
-
9:08 - 9:12We all know this, and yet,
in the checklisted childhood, -
9:12 - 9:16we absolve our kids of doing
the work of chores around the house, -
9:16 - 9:18and then they end up
as young adults in the workplace -
9:18 - 9:20still waiting for a checklist,
-
9:20 - 9:22but it doesn't exist,
-
9:22 - 9:25and more importantly,
lacking the impulse, the instinct -
9:25 - 9:27to roll up their sleeves and pitch in
-
9:27 - 9:31and look around and wonder,
how can I be useful to my colleagues? -
9:31 - 9:35How can I anticipate a few steps ahead
to what my boss might need? -
9:36 - 9:40A second very important finding
from the Harvard Grant Study -
9:41 - 9:43said that happiness in life
-
9:44 - 9:46comes from love,
-
9:46 - 9:47not love of work,
-
9:47 - 9:50love of humans:
-
9:50 - 9:54our spouse, our partner,
our friends, our family. -
9:55 - 9:58So childhood needs to teach
our kids how to love, -
9:58 - 10:01and they can't love others
if they don't first love themselves, -
10:01 - 10:05and they won't love themselves
if we can't offer them unconditional love. -
10:05 - 10:07(Applause)
-
10:10 - 10:11Right.
-
10:12 - 10:14And so,
-
10:14 - 10:16instead of being obsessed
with grades and scores -
10:16 - 10:19when our precious offspring
come home from school, -
10:19 - 10:21or we come home from work,
-
10:21 - 10:24we need to close our technology,
put away our phones, -
10:24 - 10:25and look them in the eye
-
10:25 - 10:28and let them see
the joy that fills our faces -
10:28 - 10:31when we see our child
for the first time in a few hours. -
10:31 - 10:33And then we have to say,
-
10:33 - 10:34"How was your day?
-
10:36 - 10:39What did you like about today?"
-
10:39 - 10:42And when your teenage daughter
says, "Lunch," like mine did, -
10:42 - 10:44and I want to hear about the math test,
-
10:45 - 10:46not lunch,
-
10:46 - 10:49you have to still
take an interest in lunch. -
10:49 - 10:52You gotta say, "What was great
about lunch today?" -
10:52 - 10:56They need to know
they matter to us as humans, -
10:56 - 10:58not because of their GPA.
-
11:00 - 11:02All right, so you're thinking,
chores and love, -
11:02 - 11:04that sounds all well and good,
but give me a break. -
11:04 - 11:07The colleges want to see
top scores and grades -
11:07 - 11:11and accolades and awards,
and I'm going to tell you, sort of. -
11:13 - 11:19The very biggest brand-name schools
are asking that of our young adults, -
11:19 - 11:20but here's the good news.
-
11:21 - 11:26Contrary to what the college
rankings racket would have us believe -- -
11:26 - 11:29(Applause)
-
11:32 - 11:35you don't have to go to one
of the biggest brand name schools -
11:35 - 11:37to be happy and successful in life.
-
11:37 - 11:40Happy and successful people
went to state school, -
11:40 - 11:42went to a small college
no one has heard of, -
11:42 - 11:43went to community college,
-
11:43 - 11:46went to a college over here
and flunked out. -
11:46 - 11:49(Applause)
-
11:53 - 11:56The evidence is in this room,
is in our communities, -
11:56 - 11:58that this is the truth.
-
11:58 - 12:00And if we could widen our blinders
-
12:00 - 12:02and be willing to look
at a few more colleges, -
12:02 - 12:05maybe remove our own egos
from the equation, -
12:06 - 12:09we could accept and embrace
this truth and then realize, -
12:09 - 12:11it is hardly the end of the world
-
12:11 - 12:15if our kids don't go to one
of those big brand-name schools. -
12:16 - 12:17And more importantly,
-
12:17 - 12:22if their childhood has not been lived
according to a tyrannical checklist -
12:22 - 12:24then when they get to college,
-
12:25 - 12:26whichever one it is,
-
12:26 - 12:30well, they'll have gone there
on their own volition, -
12:30 - 12:32fueled by their own desire,
-
12:32 - 12:35capable and ready to thrive there.
-
12:37 - 12:39I have to admit something to you.
-
12:40 - 12:43I've got two kids I mentioned,
Sawyer and Avery. -
12:43 - 12:45They're teenagers.
-
12:45 - 12:46And once upon a time,
-
12:46 - 12:49I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery
-
12:49 - 12:51like little bonsai trees --
-
12:51 - 12:53(Laughter)
-
12:53 - 12:56that I was going
to carefully clip and prune -
12:56 - 13:00and shape into some perfect
form of a human -
13:00 - 13:04that might just be perfect enough
to warrant them admission -
13:04 - 13:06to one of the most
highly selective colleges. -
13:07 - 13:11But I've come to realize, after working
with thousands of other people's kids -- -
13:12 - 13:13(Laughter)
-
13:14 - 13:17and raising two kids of my own,
-
13:18 - 13:20my kids aren't bonsai trees.
-
13:22 - 13:24They're wildflowers
-
13:24 - 13:27of an unknown genus and species --
-
13:27 - 13:29(Laughter)
-
13:29 - 13:33and it's my job to provide
a nourishing environment, -
13:33 - 13:35to strengthen them through chores
-
13:35 - 13:39and to love them so they can
love others and receive love -
13:39 - 13:42and the college, the major, the career,
-
13:42 - 13:44that's up to them.
-
13:44 - 13:50My job is not to make them become
what I would have them become, -
13:50 - 13:55but to support them
in becoming their glorious selves. -
13:55 - 13:57Thank you.
-
13:57 - 14:03(Applause)
- Title:
- How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting
- Speaker:
- Julie Lythcott-Haims
- Description:
-
By loading kids with high expectations and micromanaging their lives at every turn, parents aren't actually helping. At least, that's how Julie Lythcott-Haims sees it. With passion and wry humor, the former Dean of Freshmen at Stanford makes the case for parents to stop defining their children's success via grades and test scores. Instead, she says, they should focus on providing the oldest idea of all: unconditional love.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 14:16
Ani Mer commented on English subtitles for How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting | ||
Brian Greene approved English subtitles for How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz accepted English subtitles for How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz edited English subtitles for How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz edited English subtitles for How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting | ||
Joseph Geni edited English subtitles for How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting |
Ani Mer
Regarding this part 11:58 - 12:00
And if we could widen our blinders
I would suggest to traslate at this way
Y si nosotros podriamos quitarnos las vendas de los ojos