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You know, I didn't set out
to be a parenting expert.

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In fact, I'm not very interested
in parenting, per Se.

3
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It's just that there's a certain style
of parenting these days

4
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that is kind of messing up kids,

5
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impeding their chances
to develop into theirselves.

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There's a certain style
of parenting these days

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that's getting in the way.

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I guess what I'm saying is,

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we spend a lot of time
being very concerned

10
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about parents who aren't involved enough
in the lives of their kids

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and their education or their upbringing,

12
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and rightly so.

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But at the other end of the spectrum,

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there's a lot of harm
going on there as well,

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where parents feel
a kid can't be successful

16
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unless the parent is protecting
and preventing at every turn

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and hovering over every happening,
and micromanaging every moment,

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and steering their kid towards
some small subset of colleges and careers.

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When we raise kids this way,

20
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and I'll say we,

21
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because Lord knows,
in raising my two teenagers,

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I've had these tendencies myself,

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our kids end up leading
a kind of checklisted childhood.

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And here's what the checklisted
childhood looks like.

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We keep them safe and sound

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and fed and watered,

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and then we want to be sure
they go to the right schools,

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that they're in the right classes
at the right schools,

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and that they get the right grades
in the right classes in the right schools.

30
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But not just the grades, the scores,

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and not just the grades and scores,
but the accolades and the awards

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and the sports,
the activities, the leadership.

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We tell our kids, don't just join a club,

34
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start a club, because colleges
want to see that.

35
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And check the box for community service.

36
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I mean, show the colleges
you care about others.

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(Laughter)

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And all of this is done to some
hoped-for degree of perfection.

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We expect our kids
to perform at a level of perfection

40
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we were never asked
to perform at ourselves,

41
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and so because so much is required,

42
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we think,

43
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well then, of course we parents
have to argue with every teacher

44
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and principal and coach and referee

45
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and act like our kid's concierge

46
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and personal handler

47
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and secretary.

48
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And then with our kids, our precious kids,

49
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we spend so much time nudging,

50
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cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling,
nagging as the case may be,

51
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to be sure they're not screwing up,

52
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not closing doors,

53
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not ruining their future,

54
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some hoped-for admission

55
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to a tiny handful of colleges

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that deny almost every applicant.

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And here's what it feels like
to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.

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First of all, there's
no time for free play.

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There's no room in the afternoons,

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because everything
has to be enriching, we think.

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It's as if every piece of homework,
every quiz, every activity

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is a make-or-break moment
for this future we have in mind for them,

63
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and we absolve them
of helping out around the house,

64
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and we even absolve them
of getting enough sleep

65
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as long as they're checking off
the items on their checklist.

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And in the checklisted childhood,
we say we just want them to be happy,

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but when they come home from school,

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what we ask about all too often first

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is their homework and their grades.

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And they see in our faces

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that our approval, that our love,

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that their very worth,

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comes from A's.

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And then we walk alongside them

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and offer clucking praise like a trainer
at the Westminster Dog Show --

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(Laughter)

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coaxing them to just jump a little higher
and soar a little farther,

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day after day after day.

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And when they get to high school,

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they don't say, "Well, what might I
be interested in studying

81
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or doing as an activity?"

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They go to counselors and they say,

83
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"What do I need to do
to get into the right college?"

84
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And then, when the grades
start to roll in in high school,

85
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and they're getting some B's,

86
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or God forbid some C's,

87
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they frantically text their friends

88
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and say, "Has anyone ever gotten
into the right college with these grades?"

89
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And our kids,

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regardless of where they end up
at the end of high school,

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they're breathless.

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They're brittle.

93
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They're a little burned out.

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They're a little old before their time,

95
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wishing the grown-ups in their lives
had said, "What you've done is enough,

96
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this effort you've put forth
in childhood is enough."

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And they're withering now
under high rates of anxiety and depression

98
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and some of them are wondering,

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will this life ever turn out
to have been worth it?

100
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Well, we parents,

101
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we parents are pretty sure
it's all worth it.

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We seem to behave --

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it's like we literally think
they will have no future

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if they don't get into one of these
tiny set of colleges or careers

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we have in mind for them.

106
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Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid

107
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they won't have a future we can brag about

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to our friends and with stickers
on the backs of our cars.

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Yeah.

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(Applause)

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But if you look at what we've done,

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if you have the courage
to really look at it,

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you'll see that not only do our kids
think their worth comes

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from grades and scores,

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but that when we live right up inside
their precious developing minds

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all the time, like our very own version
of the movie "Being John Malkovich,"

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we send our children the message:

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"Hey kid, I don't think you can actually
achieve any of this without me."

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And so with our overhelp,

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our overprotection
and overdirection and hand-holding,

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we deprive our kids
of the chance to build self-efficacy,

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which is a really fundamental tenet
of the human psyche,

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far more important
than that self-esteem they get

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every time we applaud.

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Self-efficacy is built when one sees
that one's own actions lead to outcomes,

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not --

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There you go.

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(Applause)

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Not one's parents'
actions on one's behalf,

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but when one's own actions
lead to outcomes.

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So simply put,

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if our children are to develop
self-efficacy, and they must,

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then they have to do a whole lot more
of the thinking, planning, deciding,

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doing, hoping, coping, trial and error,

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dreaming and experiencing of life

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for themselves.

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Now, am I saying

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every kid is hard-working and motivated

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and doesn't need a parent's involvement
or interest in their lives,

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and we should just back off and let go?

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Hell no.

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(Laughter)

143
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That is not what I'm saying.

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What I'm saying is, when we treat
grades and scores and accolades and awards

145
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as the purpose of childhood,

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all in furtherance of some hoped-for
admission to a tiny number of colleges

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or entrance to a small number of careers,

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that that's too narrow a definition
of success for our kids.

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And even though we might help them
achieve some short-term wins

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by overhelping --

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like they get a better grade
if we help them do their homework,

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they might end up with a longer
childhood résumé when we help --

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what I'm saying is that all of this
comes at a long-term cost

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to their sense of self.

155
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What I'm saying is,
we should be less concerned

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with the specific set of colleges

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they might be able
to apply to or might get into

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and far more concerned that they have
the habits, the mindset, the skill set,

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the wellness, to be successful
wherever they go.

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What I'm saying is,

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our kids need us to be a little
less obsessed with grades and scores

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and a whole lot more interested

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in childhood providing
a foundation for their success

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built on things like love

165
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and chores.

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

168
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Did I just say chores?
Did I just say chores? I really did.

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But really, here's why.

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The longest longitudinal study
of humans ever conducted

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is called the Harvard Grant Study.

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It found that professional
success in life,

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which is what we want for our kids,

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that professional success in life
comes from having done chores as a kid,

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and the earlier you started, the better,

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that a roll-up-your-sleeves-
and-pitch-in mindset,

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a mindset that says,
there's some unpleasant work,

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someone's got to do it,
it might as well be me,

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a mindset that says,

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I will contribute my effort
to the betterment of the whole,

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that that's what gets you ahead
in the workplace.

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Now, we all know this. You know this.

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(Applause)

184
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We all know this, and yet,
in the checklisted childhood,

185
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we absolve our kids of doing
the work of chores around the house,

186
00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:18,096
and then they end up
as young adults in the workplace

187
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still waiting for a checklist,

188
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but it doesn't exist,

189
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and more importantly,
lacking the impulse, the instinct

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to roll up their sleeves and pitch in

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and look around and wonder,
how can I be useful to my colleagues?

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How can I anticipate a few steps ahead
to what my boss might need?

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A second very important finding
from the Harvard Grant Study

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said that happiness in life

195
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comes from love,

196
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not love of work,

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love of humans:

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our spouse, our partner,
our friends, our family.

199
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So childhood needs to teach
our kids how to love,

200
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and they can't love others
if they don't first love themselves,

201
00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:05,296
and they won't love themselves
if we can't offer them unconditional love.

202
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:07,280
(Applause)

203
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:10,800
Right.

204
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And so,

205
00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:16,296
instead of being obsessed
with grades and scores

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00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:19,216
when our precious offspring
come home from school,

207
00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:20,736
or we come home from work,

208
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we need to close our technology,
put away our phones,

209
00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:24,936
and look them in the eye

210
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:28,136
and let them see
the joy that fills our faces

211
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:31,296
when we see our child
for the first time in a few hours.

212
00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:33,256
And then we have to say,

213
00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:34,480
"How was your day?

214
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:38,656
What did you like about today?"

215
00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:42,416
And when your teenage daughter
says, "Lunch," like mine did,

216
00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:44,496
and I want to hear about the math test,

217
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not lunch,

218
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you have to still
take an interest in lunch.

219
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You gotta say, "What was great
about lunch today?"

220
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They need to know
they matter to us as humans,

221
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:58,200
not because of their GPA.

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All right, so you're thinking,
chores and love,

223
00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:04,376
that sounds all well and good,
but give me a break.

224
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The colleges want to see
top scores and grades

225
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:11,320
and accolades and awards,
and I'm going to tell you, sort of.

226
00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:18,976
The very biggest brand-name schools
are asking that of our young adults,

227
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,360
but here's the good news.

228
00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:26,256
Contrary to what the college
rankings racket would have us believe --

229
00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:28,640
(Applause)

230
00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:34,936
you don't have to go to one
of the biggest brand name schools

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00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:36,696
to be happy and successful in life.

232
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:39,576
Happy and successful people
went to state school,

233
00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:41,856
went to a small college
no one has heard of,

234
00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:43,456
went to community college,

235
00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:46,216
went to a college over here
and flunked out.

236
00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:49,040
(Applause)

237
00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:56,216
The evidence is in this room,
is in our communities,

238
00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:57,936
that this is the truth.

239
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And if we could widen our blinders

240
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and be willing to look
at a few more colleges,

241
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:05,496
maybe remove our own egos
from the equation,

242
00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:09,176
we could accept and embrace
this truth and then realize,

243
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,176
it is hardly the end of the world

244
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:14,720
if our kids don't go to one
of those big brand-name schools.

245
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:17,216
And more importantly,

246
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:22,336
if their childhood has not been lived
according to a tyrannical checklist

247
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:24,496
then when they get to college,

248
00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:26,456
whichever one it is,

249
00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:29,576
well, they'll have gone there
on their own volition,

250
00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:32,056
fueled by their own desire,

251
00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:35,280
capable and ready to thrive there.

252
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:39,160
I have to admit something to you.

253
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,856
I've got two kids I mentioned,
Sawyer and Avery.

254
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:44,576
They're teenagers.

255
00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:46,456
And once upon a time,

256
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:49,096
I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery

257
00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:50,896
like little bonsai trees --

258
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:53,256
(Laughter)

259
00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:56,216
that I was going
to carefully clip and prune

260
00:12:56,240 --> 00:13:00,136
and shape into some perfect
form of a human

261
00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:03,656
that might just be perfect enough
to warrant them admission

262
00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:06,120
to one of the most
highly selective colleges.

263
00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:10,920
But I've come to realize, after working
with thousands of other people's kids --

264
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:13,360
(Laughter)

265
00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:16,800
and raising two kids of my own,

266
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,400
my kids aren't bonsai trees.

267
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:23,520
They're wildflowers

268
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:27,216
of an unknown genus and species --

269
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:29,136
(Laughter)

270
00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:32,576
and it's my job to provide
a nourishing environment,

271
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:34,976
to strengthen them through chores

272
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:39,296
and to love them so they can
love others and receive love

273
00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:42,416
and the college, the major, the career,

274
00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:44,136
that's up to them.

275
00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:49,816
My job is not to make them become
what I would have them become,

276
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:54,640
but to support them
in becoming their glorious selves.

277
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:56,616
Thank you.

278
00:13:56,640 --> 00:14:03,070
(Applause)