[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.68,0:00:04.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, I didn't set out\Nto be a parenting expert.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:04.52,0:00:08.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, I'm not very interested\Nin parenting, per Se.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:09.08,0:00:13.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's just that there's a certain style\Nof parenting these days
Dialogue: 0,0:00:13.04,0:00:16.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that is kind of messing up kids,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:16.24,0:00:21.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,impeding their chances\Nto develop into theirselves.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:21.32,0:00:23.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's a certain style\Nof parenting these days
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.56,0:00:24.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's getting in the way.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:24.92,0:00:26.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I guess what I'm saying is,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.56,0:00:28.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we spend a lot of time\Nbeing very concerned
Dialogue: 0,0:00:28.64,0:00:32.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about parents who aren't involved enough\Nin the lives of their kids
Dialogue: 0,0:00:32.32,0:00:34.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and their education or their upbringing,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.28,0:00:35.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and rightly so.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:36.00,0:00:38.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But at the other end of the spectrum,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:38.40,0:00:41.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there's a lot of harm\Ngoing on there as well,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:41.12,0:00:44.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where parents feel\Na kid can't be successful
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.08,0:00:48.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,unless the parent is protecting\Nand preventing at every turn
Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.16,0:00:51.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and hovering over every happening,\Nand micromanaging every moment,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:51.92,0:00:57.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and steering their kid towards\Nsome small subset of colleges and careers.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.76,0:01:01.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we raise kids this way,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:01.40,0:01:03.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'll say we,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:03.12,0:01:05.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because Lord knows,\Nin raising my two teenagers,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:05.92,0:01:08.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've had these tendencies myself,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:08.68,0:01:12.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,our kids end up leading\Na kind of checklisted childhood.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:13.20,0:01:15.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And here's what the checklisted\Nchildhood looks like.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.92,0:01:18.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We keep them safe and sound
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.84,0:01:20.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and fed and watered,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.52,0:01:24.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then we want to be sure\Nthey go to the right schools,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:24.24,0:01:26.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that they're in the right classes\Nat the right schools,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:26.84,0:01:30.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that they get the right grades\Nin the right classes in the right schools.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:30.48,0:01:32.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But not just the grades, the scores,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:32.24,0:01:35.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and not just the grades and scores,\Nbut the accolades and the awards
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.48,0:01:37.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the sports,\Nthe activities, the leadership.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:37.70,0:01:39.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We tell our kids, don't just join a club,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:39.64,0:01:41.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,start a club, because colleges\Nwant to see that.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:41.92,0:01:43.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And check the box for community service.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.88,0:01:46.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, show the colleges\Nyou care about others.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.16,0:01:48.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.28,0:01:53.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And all of this is done to some\Nhoped-for degree of perfection.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.24,0:01:55.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We expect our kids\Nto perform at a level of perfection
Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.88,0:01:59.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we were never asked\Nto perform at ourselves,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:59.24,0:02:01.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and so because so much is required,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:01.44,0:02:02.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we think,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:02.68,0:02:05.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,well then, of course we parents\Nhave to argue with every teacher
Dialogue: 0,0:02:05.92,0:02:08.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and principal and coach and referee
Dialogue: 0,0:02:08.52,0:02:11.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and act like our kid's concierge
Dialogue: 0,0:02:11.44,0:02:12.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and personal handler
Dialogue: 0,0:02:13.88,0:02:15.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and secretary.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:15.72,0:02:17.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then with our kids, our precious kids,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.92,0:02:20.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we spend so much time nudging,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.08,0:02:24.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling,\Nnagging as the case may be,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.52,0:02:27.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be sure they're not screwing up,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:27.40,0:02:29.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not closing doors,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.92,0:02:32.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not ruining their future,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.44,0:02:34.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,some hoped-for admission
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.72,0:02:37.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to a tiny handful of colleges
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.36,0:02:40.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that deny almost every applicant.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:42.68,0:02:48.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And here's what it feels like\Nto be a kid in this checklisted childhood.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:48.12,0:02:50.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,First of all, there's\Nno time for free play.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:50.64,0:02:52.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's no room in the afternoons,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.32,0:02:55.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because everything\Nhas to be enriching, we think.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:55.36,0:02:58.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's as if every piece of homework,\Nevery quiz, every activity
Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.76,0:03:03.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is a make-or-break moment\Nfor this future we have in mind for them,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:03.32,0:03:06.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we absolve them\Nof helping out around the house,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.28,0:03:09.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we even absolve them\Nof getting enough sleep
Dialogue: 0,0:03:09.68,0:03:14.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as long as they're checking off\Nthe items on their checklist.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:14.60,0:03:18.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in the checklisted childhood,\Nwe say we just want them to be happy,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:18.44,0:03:20.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but when they come home from school,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.52,0:03:23.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what we ask about all too often first
Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.68,0:03:26.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is their homework and their grades.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:26.76,0:03:28.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they see in our faces
Dialogue: 0,0:03:28.80,0:03:31.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that our approval, that our love,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:31.36,0:03:32.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that their very worth,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:33.00,0:03:34.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,comes from A's.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.88,0:03:37.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then we walk alongside them
Dialogue: 0,0:03:37.48,0:03:42.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and offer clucking praise like a trainer\Nat the Westminster Dog Show --
Dialogue: 0,0:03:42.20,0:03:43.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.44,0:03:48.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,coaxing them to just jump a little higher\Nand soar a little farther,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.76,0:03:51.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,day after day after day.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.84,0:03:53.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when they get to high school,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.60,0:03:56.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they don't say, "Well, what might I\Nbe interested in studying
Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.52,0:03:57.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or doing as an activity?"
Dialogue: 0,0:03:57.80,0:03:59.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They go to counselors and they say,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.52,0:04:03.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"What do I need to do\Nto get into the right college?"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:03.12,0:04:06.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then, when the grades\Nstart to roll in in high school,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:06.08,0:04:07.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they're getting some B's,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.68,0:04:10.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or God forbid some C's,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.08,0:04:12.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they frantically text their friends
Dialogue: 0,0:04:12.04,0:04:17.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and say, "Has anyone ever gotten\Ninto the right college with these grades?"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:17.96,0:04:19.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And our kids,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.52,0:04:23.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,regardless of where they end up\Nat the end of high school,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:23.16,0:04:24.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they're breathless.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:25.40,0:04:26.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're brittle.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.64,0:04:28.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're a little burned out.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:28.48,0:04:30.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're a little old before their time,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:30.40,0:04:34.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,wishing the grown-ups in their lives\Nhad said, "What you've done is enough,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:34.44,0:04:37.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this effort you've put forth\Nin childhood is enough."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:37.44,0:04:41.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they're withering now\Nunder high rates of anxiety and depression
Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.72,0:04:43.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and some of them are wondering,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.96,0:04:48.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,will this life ever turn out\Nto have been worth it?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:49.80,0:04:51.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, we parents,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:51.56,0:04:54.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we parents are pretty sure\Nit's all worth it.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.96,0:04:56.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We seem to behave --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:56.20,0:04:58.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's like we literally think\Nthey will have no future
Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.96,0:05:03.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if they don't get into one of these\Ntiny set of colleges or careers
Dialogue: 0,0:05:03.68,0:05:05.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we have in mind for them.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.92,0:05:09.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid
Dialogue: 0,0:05:09.04,0:05:11.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they won't have a future we can brag about
Dialogue: 0,0:05:11.40,0:05:15.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to our friends and with stickers\Non the backs of our cars.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.60,0:05:18.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.84,0:05:21.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:24.92,0:05:27.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But if you look at what we've done,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:27.48,0:05:31.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you have the courage\Nto really look at it,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:31.04,0:05:34.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you'll see that not only do our kids\Nthink their worth comes
Dialogue: 0,0:05:34.04,0:05:35.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from grades and scores,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:35.76,0:05:39.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but that when we live right up inside\Ntheir precious developing minds
Dialogue: 0,0:05:39.68,0:05:44.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all the time, like our very own version\Nof the movie "Being John Malkovich,"
Dialogue: 0,0:05:44.28,0:05:46.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we send our children the message:
Dialogue: 0,0:05:46.24,0:05:51.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hey kid, I don't think you can actually\Nachieve any of this without me."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:51.48,0:05:54.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so with our overhelp,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:54.16,0:05:56.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,our overprotection\Nand overdirection and hand-holding,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:56.72,0:06:00.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we deprive our kids\Nof the chance to build self-efficacy,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:00.76,0:06:04.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is a really fundamental tenet\Nof the human psyche,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.48,0:06:07.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,far more important\Nthan that self-esteem they get
Dialogue: 0,0:06:07.12,0:06:08.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,every time we applaud.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:09.12,0:06:15.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Self-efficacy is built when one sees\Nthat one's own actions lead to outcomes,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:15.32,0:06:16.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not --
Dialogue: 0,0:06:16.56,0:06:17.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There you go.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:17.80,0:06:20.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:06:21.60,0:06:25.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Not one's parents'\Nactions on one's behalf,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:25.40,0:06:28.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but when one's own actions\Nlead to outcomes.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:28.20,0:06:29.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So simply put,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:29.72,0:06:35.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if our children are to develop\Nself-efficacy, and they must,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:35.08,0:06:39.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then they have to do a whole lot more\Nof the thinking, planning, deciding,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:39.96,0:06:43.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,doing, hoping, coping, trial and error,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:43.56,0:06:46.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,dreaming and experiencing of life
Dialogue: 0,0:06:46.72,0:06:48.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for themselves.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:49.28,0:06:51.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, am I saying
Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.80,0:06:54.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,every kid is hard-working and motivated
Dialogue: 0,0:06:54.16,0:06:57.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and doesn't need a parent's involvement\Nor interest in their lives,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.36,0:06:59.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we should just back off and let go?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:00.04,0:07:01.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hell no.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:01.28,0:07:02.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:07:02.52,0:07:04.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That is not what I'm saying.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:04.24,0:07:07.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What I'm saying is, when we treat\Ngrades and scores and accolades and awards
Dialogue: 0,0:07:07.88,0:07:09.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as the purpose of childhood,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:10.00,0:07:13.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all in furtherance of some hoped-for\Nadmission to a tiny number of colleges
Dialogue: 0,0:07:13.80,0:07:16.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or entrance to a small number of careers,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.80,0:07:21.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that that's too narrow a definition\Nof success for our kids.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:21.20,0:07:24.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And even though we might help them\Nachieve some short-term wins
Dialogue: 0,0:07:24.76,0:07:25.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by overhelping --
Dialogue: 0,0:07:26.00,0:07:29.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like they get a better grade\Nif we help them do their homework,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:30.32,0:07:34.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they might end up with a longer\Nchildhood résumé when we help --
Dialogue: 0,0:07:35.12,0:07:38.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what I'm saying is that all of this\Ncomes at a long-term cost
Dialogue: 0,0:07:38.52,0:07:40.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to their sense of self.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:40.60,0:07:43.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What I'm saying is,\Nwe should be less concerned
Dialogue: 0,0:07:43.04,0:07:44.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with the specific set of colleges
Dialogue: 0,0:07:44.88,0:07:48.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they might be able\Nto apply to or might get into
Dialogue: 0,0:07:48.12,0:07:53.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and far more concerned that they have\Nthe habits, the mindset, the skill set,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:53.04,0:07:57.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the wellness, to be successful\Nwherever they go.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:58.00,0:07:59.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What I'm saying is,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:59.24,0:08:03.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,our kids need us to be a little\Nless obsessed with grades and scores
Dialogue: 0,0:08:03.84,0:08:06.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a whole lot more interested
Dialogue: 0,0:08:06.16,0:08:11.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in childhood providing\Na foundation for their success
Dialogue: 0,0:08:11.28,0:08:13.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,built on things like love
Dialogue: 0,0:08:15.24,0:08:16.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and chores.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:16.48,0:08:18.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:18.68,0:08:20.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:23.24,0:08:26.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Did I just say chores?\NDid I just say chores? I really did.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:27.92,0:08:30.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But really, here's why.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:31.28,0:08:34.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The longest longitudinal study\Nof humans ever conducted
Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.96,0:08:37.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is called the Harvard Grant Study.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:37.16,0:08:39.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It found that professional\Nsuccess in life,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:39.52,0:08:42.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is what we want for our kids,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:42.12,0:08:45.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that professional success in life\Ncomes from having done chores as a kid,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:45.92,0:08:47.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the earlier you started, the better,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:47.96,0:08:50.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that a roll-up-your-sleeves-\Nand-pitch-in mindset,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:50.36,0:08:52.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a mindset that says,\Nthere's some unpleasant work,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:52.76,0:08:54.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,someone's got to do it,\Nit might as well be me,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:55.00,0:08:56.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a mindset that says,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:56.24,0:08:59.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I will contribute my effort\Nto the betterment of the whole,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:59.36,0:09:02.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that that's what gets you ahead\Nin the workplace.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:02.44,0:09:05.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, we all know this. You know this.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:05.36,0:09:08.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:09:08.20,0:09:11.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We all know this, and yet,\Nin the checklisted childhood,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:11.80,0:09:15.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we absolve our kids of doing\Nthe work of chores around the house,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:15.60,0:09:18.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then they end up\Nas young adults in the workplace
Dialogue: 0,0:09:18.12,0:09:20.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,still waiting for a checklist,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:20.36,0:09:21.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it doesn't exist,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:21.84,0:09:25.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and more importantly,\Nlacking the impulse, the instinct
Dialogue: 0,0:09:25.16,0:09:27.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to roll up their sleeves and pitch in
Dialogue: 0,0:09:27.40,0:09:30.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and look around and wonder,\Nhow can I be useful to my colleagues?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:31.00,0:09:35.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How can I anticipate a few steps ahead\Nto what my boss might need?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:36.28,0:09:39.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A second very important finding\Nfrom the Harvard Grant Study
Dialogue: 0,0:09:40.92,0:09:42.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,said that happiness in life
Dialogue: 0,0:09:43.72,0:09:45.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,comes from love,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:45.60,0:09:47.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not love of work,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:47.48,0:09:49.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,love of humans:
Dialogue: 0,0:09:50.40,0:09:53.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,our spouse, our partner,\Nour friends, our family.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:54.60,0:09:58.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So childhood needs to teach\Nour kids how to love,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:58.32,0:10:01.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they can't love others\Nif they don't first love themselves,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:01.32,0:10:05.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they won't love themselves\Nif we can't offer them unconditional love.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:05.32,0:10:07.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:10:09.60,0:10:10.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:12.24,0:10:14.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:14.04,0:10:16.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,instead of being obsessed\Nwith grades and scores
Dialogue: 0,0:10:16.32,0:10:19.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when our precious offspring\Ncome home from school,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:19.24,0:10:20.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or we come home from work,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:20.76,0:10:23.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we need to close our technology,\Nput away our phones,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:23.56,0:10:24.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and look them in the eye
Dialogue: 0,0:10:24.96,0:10:28.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and let them see\Nthe joy that fills our faces
Dialogue: 0,0:10:28.16,0:10:31.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when we see our child\Nfor the first time in a few hours.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.32,0:10:33.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then we have to say,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:33.28,0:10:34.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"How was your day?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:35.84,0:10:38.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What did you like about today?"
Dialogue: 0,0:10:38.68,0:10:42.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when your teenage daughter\Nsays, "Lunch," like mine did,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.44,0:10:44.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I want to hear about the math test,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:44.52,0:10:45.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not lunch,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:45.96,0:10:48.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you have to still\Ntake an interest in lunch.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:49.00,0:10:52.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You gotta say, "What was great\Nabout lunch today?"
Dialogue: 0,0:10:52.20,0:10:55.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They need to know\Nthey matter to us as humans,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:55.60,0:10:58.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not because of their GPA.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:59.64,0:11:01.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All right, so you're thinking,\Nchores and love,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:01.88,0:11:04.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that sounds all well and good,\Nbut give me a break.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:04.40,0:11:07.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The colleges want to see\Ntop scores and grades
Dialogue: 0,0:11:07.40,0:11:11.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and accolades and awards,\Nand I'm going to tell you, sort of.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:13.08,0:11:18.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The very biggest brand-name schools\Nare asking that of our young adults,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:19.00,0:11:20.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but here's the good news.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:21.16,0:11:26.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Contrary to what the college\Nrankings racket would have us believe --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:26.28,0:11:28.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:11:32.04,0:11:34.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you don't have to go to one\Nof the biggest brand name schools
Dialogue: 0,0:11:34.96,0:11:36.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be happy and successful in life.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:36.72,0:11:39.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Happy and successful people\Nwent to state school,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:39.60,0:11:41.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,went to a small college\Nno one has heard of,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:41.88,0:11:43.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,went to community college,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:43.48,0:11:46.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,went to a college over here\Nand flunked out.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:46.24,0:11:49.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:11:53.24,0:11:56.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The evidence is in this room,\Nis in our communities,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:56.24,0:11:57.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that this is the truth.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:57.96,0:11:59.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if we could widen our blinders
Dialogue: 0,0:11:59.68,0:12:01.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and be willing to look\Nat a few more colleges,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:01.96,0:12:05.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,maybe remove our own egos\Nfrom the equation,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:05.52,0:12:09.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we could accept and embrace\Nthis truth and then realize,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:09.20,0:12:11.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it is hardly the end of the world
Dialogue: 0,0:12:11.20,0:12:14.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if our kids don't go to one\Nof those big brand-name schools.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:15.96,0:12:17.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And more importantly,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:17.24,0:12:22.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if their childhood has not been lived\Naccording to a tyrannical checklist
Dialogue: 0,0:12:22.36,0:12:24.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then when they get to college,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:24.52,0:12:26.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whichever one it is,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:26.48,0:12:29.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,well, they'll have gone there\Non their own volition,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:29.60,0:12:32.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,fueled by their own desire,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:32.08,0:12:35.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,capable and ready to thrive there.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:37.36,0:12:39.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have to admit something to you.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:39.76,0:12:42.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've got two kids I mentioned,\NSawyer and Avery.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:42.88,0:12:44.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're teenagers.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:44.60,0:12:46.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And once upon a time,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:46.48,0:12:49.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery
Dialogue: 0,0:12:49.12,0:12:50.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like little bonsai trees --
Dialogue: 0,0:12:50.92,0:12:53.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:12:53.28,0:12:56.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I was going\Nto carefully clip and prune
Dialogue: 0,0:12:56.24,0:13:00.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and shape into some perfect\Nform of a human
Dialogue: 0,0:13:00.16,0:13:03.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that might just be perfect enough\Nto warrant them admission
Dialogue: 0,0:13:03.68,0:13:06.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to one of the most\Nhighly selective colleges.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:07.04,0:13:10.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I've come to realize, after working\Nwith thousands of other people's kids --
Dialogue: 0,0:13:11.64,0:13:13.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:14.48,0:13:16.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and raising two kids of my own,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:18.20,0:13:20.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my kids aren't bonsai trees.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:21.80,0:13:23.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're wildflowers
Dialogue: 0,0:13:24.40,0:13:27.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of an unknown genus and species --
Dialogue: 0,0:13:27.24,0:13:29.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:29.16,0:13:32.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it's my job to provide\Na nourishing environment,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:32.60,0:13:34.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to strengthen them through chores
Dialogue: 0,0:13:35.00,0:13:39.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and to love them so they can\Nlove others and receive love
Dialogue: 0,0:13:39.32,0:13:42.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the college, the major, the career,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:42.44,0:13:44.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's up to them.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:44.16,0:13:49.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My job is not to make them become\Nwhat I would have them become,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:49.84,0:13:54.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but to support them\Nin becoming their glorious selves.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:55.40,0:13:56.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:56.64,0:14:03.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)