0:00:00.680,0:00:04.496
You know, I didn't set out[br]to be a parenting expert.

0:00:04.520,0:00:08.280
In fact, I'm not very interested[br]in parenting, per Se.

0:00:09.080,0:00:13.016
It's just that there's a certain style[br]of parenting these days

0:00:13.040,0:00:16.216
that is kind of messing up kids,

0:00:16.239,0:00:21.296
impeding their chances[br]to develop into theirselves.

0:00:21.320,0:00:23.536
There's a certain style[br]of parenting these days

0:00:23.560,0:00:24.896
that's getting in the way.

0:00:24.920,0:00:26.536
I guess what I'm saying is,

0:00:26.560,0:00:28.616
we spend a lot of time[br]being very concerned

0:00:28.640,0:00:32.296
about parents who aren't involved enough[br]in the lives of their kids

0:00:32.320,0:00:34.256
and their education or their upbringing,

0:00:34.280,0:00:35.480
and rightly so.

0:00:36.000,0:00:38.376
But at the other end of the spectrum,

0:00:38.400,0:00:41.096
there's a lot of harm[br]going on there as well,

0:00:41.120,0:00:44.056
where parents feel[br]a kid can't be successful

0:00:44.080,0:00:48.136
unless the parent is protecting[br]and preventing at every turn

0:00:48.160,0:00:51.896
and hovering over every happening,[br]and micromanaging every moment,

0:00:51.920,0:00:57.120
and steering their kid towards[br]some small subset of colleges and careers.

0:00:58.760,0:01:01.376
When we raise kids this way,

0:01:01.400,0:01:03.096
and I'll say we,

0:01:03.120,0:01:05.896
because Lord knows,[br]in raising my two teenagers,

0:01:05.920,0:01:08.656
I've had these tendencies myself,

0:01:08.680,0:01:12.560
our kids end up leading[br]a kind of checklisted childhood.

0:01:13.200,0:01:15.896
And here's what the checklisted[br]childhood looks like.

0:01:15.920,0:01:18.816
We keep them safe and sound

0:01:18.840,0:01:20.520
and fed and watered,

0:01:21.520,0:01:24.216
and then we want to be sure[br]they go to the right schools,

0:01:24.240,0:01:26.816
that they're in the right classes[br]at the right schools,

0:01:26.840,0:01:30.460
and that they get the right grades[br]in the right classes in the right schools.

0:01:30.484,0:01:32.216
But not just the grades, the scores,

0:01:32.240,0:01:35.456
and not just the grades and scores,[br]but the accolades and the awards

0:01:35.480,0:01:37.671
and the sports,[br]the activities, the leadership.

0:01:37.695,0:01:39.616
We tell our kids, don't just join a club,

0:01:39.640,0:01:41.896
start a club, because colleges[br]want to see that.

0:01:41.920,0:01:43.856
And check the box for community service.

0:01:43.880,0:01:46.136
I mean, show the colleges[br]you care about others.

0:01:46.160,0:01:48.256
(Laughter)

0:01:48.280,0:01:53.216
And all of this is done to some[br]hoped-for degree of perfection.

0:01:53.240,0:01:55.856
We expect our kids[br]to perform at a level of perfection

0:01:55.880,0:01:59.216
we were never asked[br]to perform at ourselves,

0:01:59.240,0:02:01.416
and so because so much is required,

0:02:01.440,0:02:02.656
we think,

0:02:02.680,0:02:05.896
well then, of course we parents[br]have to argue with every teacher

0:02:05.920,0:02:08.496
and principal and coach and referee

0:02:08.520,0:02:11.416
and act like our kid's concierge

0:02:11.440,0:02:12.680
and personal handler

0:02:13.880,0:02:15.696
and secretary.

0:02:15.720,0:02:17.896
And then with our kids, our precious kids,

0:02:17.920,0:02:20.056
we spend so much time nudging,

0:02:20.080,0:02:24.496
cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling,[br]nagging as the case may be,

0:02:24.520,0:02:27.376
to be sure they're not screwing up,

0:02:27.400,0:02:29.896
not closing doors,

0:02:29.920,0:02:32.416
not ruining their future,

0:02:32.440,0:02:34.696
some hoped-for admission

0:02:34.720,0:02:37.336
to a tiny handful of colleges

0:02:37.360,0:02:40.440
that deny almost every applicant.

0:02:42.680,0:02:48.096
And here's what it feels like[br]to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.

0:02:48.120,0:02:50.616
First of all, there's[br]no time for free play.

0:02:50.640,0:02:52.296
There's no room in the afternoons,

0:02:52.320,0:02:55.336
because everything[br]has to be enriching, we think.

0:02:55.360,0:02:58.736
It's as if every piece of homework,[br]every quiz, every activity

0:02:58.760,0:03:03.296
is a make-or-break moment[br]for this future we have in mind for them,

0:03:03.320,0:03:06.256
and we absolve them[br]of helping out around the house,

0:03:06.280,0:03:09.656
and we even absolve them[br]of getting enough sleep

0:03:09.680,0:03:14.576
as long as they're checking off[br]the items on their checklist.

0:03:14.600,0:03:18.416
And in the checklisted childhood,[br]we say we just want them to be happy,

0:03:18.440,0:03:20.496
but when they come home from school,

0:03:20.520,0:03:23.656
what we ask about all too often first

0:03:23.680,0:03:26.736
is their homework and their grades.

0:03:26.760,0:03:28.776
And they see in our faces

0:03:28.800,0:03:31.336
that our approval, that our love,

0:03:31.360,0:03:32.976
that their very worth,

0:03:33.000,0:03:34.856
comes from A's.

0:03:34.880,0:03:37.456
And then we walk alongside them

0:03:37.480,0:03:42.176
and offer clucking praise like a trainer[br]at the Westminster Dog Show --

0:03:42.200,0:03:43.416
(Laughter)

0:03:43.440,0:03:48.736
coaxing them to just jump a little higher[br]and soar a little farther,

0:03:48.760,0:03:51.816
day after day after day.

0:03:51.840,0:03:53.576
And when they get to high school,

0:03:53.600,0:03:56.496
they don't say, "Well, what might I[br]be interested in studying

0:03:56.520,0:03:57.776
or doing as an activity?"

0:03:57.800,0:03:59.496
They go to counselors and they say,

0:03:59.520,0:04:03.096
"What do I need to do[br]to get into the right college?"

0:04:03.120,0:04:06.056
And then, when the grades[br]start to roll in in high school,

0:04:06.080,0:04:07.656
and they're getting some B's,

0:04:07.680,0:04:10.056
or God forbid some C's,

0:04:10.080,0:04:12.016
they frantically text their friends

0:04:12.040,0:04:17.160
and say, "Has anyone ever gotten[br]into the right college with these grades?"

0:04:17.959,0:04:19.495
And our kids,

0:04:19.519,0:04:23.136
regardless of where they end up[br]at the end of high school,

0:04:23.160,0:04:24.400
they're breathless.

0:04:25.400,0:04:26.616
They're brittle.

0:04:26.640,0:04:28.456
They're a little burned out.

0:04:28.480,0:04:30.376
They're a little old before their time,

0:04:30.400,0:04:34.416
wishing the grown-ups in their lives[br]had said, "What you've done is enough,

0:04:34.440,0:04:37.416
this effort you've put forth[br]in childhood is enough."

0:04:37.440,0:04:41.696
And they're withering now[br]under high rates of anxiety and depression

0:04:41.720,0:04:43.936
and some of them are wondering,

0:04:43.960,0:04:48.320
will this life ever turn out[br]to have been worth it?

0:04:49.800,0:04:51.536
Well, we parents,

0:04:51.560,0:04:54.936
we parents are pretty sure[br]it's all worth it.

0:04:54.960,0:04:56.176
We seem to behave --

0:04:56.200,0:04:58.936
it's like we literally think[br]they will have no future

0:04:58.960,0:05:03.656
if they don't get into one of these[br]tiny set of colleges or careers

0:05:03.680,0:05:05.000
we have in mind for them.

0:05:05.920,0:05:09.016
Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid

0:05:09.040,0:05:11.376
they won't have a future we can brag about

0:05:11.400,0:05:15.200
to our friends and with stickers[br]on the backs of our cars.

0:05:17.600,0:05:18.816
Yeah.

0:05:18.840,0:05:21.160
(Applause)

0:05:24.920,0:05:27.456
But if you look at what we've done,

0:05:27.480,0:05:31.016
if you have the courage[br]to really look at it,

0:05:31.040,0:05:34.016
you'll see that not only do our kids[br]think their worth comes

0:05:34.040,0:05:35.736
from grades and scores,

0:05:35.760,0:05:39.656
but that when we live right up inside[br]their precious developing minds

0:05:39.680,0:05:44.256
all the time, like our very own version[br]of the movie "Being John Malkovich,"

0:05:44.280,0:05:46.216
we send our children the message:

0:05:46.240,0:05:51.456
"Hey kid, I don't think you can actually[br]achieve any of this without me."

0:05:51.480,0:05:54.136
And so with our overhelp,

0:05:54.160,0:05:56.696
our overprotection[br]and overdirection and hand-holding,

0:05:56.720,0:06:00.736
we deprive our kids[br]of the chance to build self-efficacy,

0:06:00.760,0:06:04.456
which is a really fundamental tenet[br]of the human psyche,

0:06:04.480,0:06:07.096
far more important[br]than that self-esteem they get

0:06:07.120,0:06:08.520
every time we applaud.

0:06:09.120,0:06:15.296
Self-efficacy is built when one sees[br]that one's own actions lead to outcomes,

0:06:15.320,0:06:16.536
not --

0:06:16.560,0:06:17.776
There you go.

0:06:17.800,0:06:20.640
(Applause)

0:06:21.600,0:06:25.376
Not one's parents'[br]actions on one's behalf,

0:06:25.400,0:06:28.176
but when one's own actions[br]lead to outcomes.

0:06:28.200,0:06:29.696
So simply put,

0:06:29.720,0:06:35.056
if our children are to develop[br]self-efficacy, and they must,

0:06:35.080,0:06:39.936
then they have to do a whole lot more[br]of the thinking, planning, deciding,

0:06:39.960,0:06:43.536
doing, hoping, coping, trial and error,

0:06:43.560,0:06:46.696
dreaming and experiencing of life

0:06:46.720,0:06:48.360
for themselves.

0:06:49.280,0:06:51.776
Now, am I saying

0:06:51.800,0:06:54.136
every kid is hard-working and motivated

0:06:54.160,0:06:57.336
and doesn't need a parent's involvement[br]or interest in their lives,

0:06:57.360,0:06:59.240
and we should just back off and let go?

0:07:00.040,0:07:01.256
Hell no.

0:07:01.280,0:07:02.496
(Laughter)

0:07:02.520,0:07:04.216
That is not what I'm saying.

0:07:04.240,0:07:07.856
What I'm saying is, when we treat[br]grades and scores and accolades and awards

0:07:07.880,0:07:09.976
as the purpose of childhood,

0:07:10.000,0:07:13.776
all in furtherance of some hoped-for[br]admission to a tiny number of colleges

0:07:13.800,0:07:16.776
or entrance to a small number of careers,

0:07:16.800,0:07:21.176
that that's too narrow a definition[br]of success for our kids.

0:07:21.200,0:07:24.736
And even though we might help them[br]achieve some short-term wins

0:07:24.760,0:07:25.976
by overhelping --

0:07:26.000,0:07:29.560
like they get a better grade[br]if we help them do their homework,

0:07:30.320,0:07:34.200
they might end up with a longer[br]childhood résumé when we help --

0:07:35.120,0:07:38.496
what I'm saying is that all of this[br]comes at a long-term cost

0:07:38.520,0:07:40.576
to their sense of self.

0:07:40.600,0:07:43.016
What I'm saying is,[br]we should be less concerned

0:07:43.040,0:07:44.856
with the specific set of colleges

0:07:44.880,0:07:48.096
they might be able[br]to apply to or might get into

0:07:48.120,0:07:53.016
and far more concerned that they have[br]the habits, the mindset, the skill set,

0:07:53.040,0:07:57.976
the wellness, to be successful[br]wherever they go.

0:07:58.000,0:07:59.216
What I'm saying is,

0:07:59.240,0:08:03.816
our kids need us to be a little[br]less obsessed with grades and scores

0:08:03.840,0:08:06.136
and a whole lot more interested

0:08:06.160,0:08:11.256
in childhood providing[br]a foundation for their success

0:08:11.280,0:08:13.960
built on things like love

0:08:15.240,0:08:16.456
and chores.

0:08:16.480,0:08:18.656
(Laughter)

0:08:18.680,0:08:20.600
(Applause)

0:08:23.240,0:08:26.480
Did I just say chores?[br]Did I just say chores? I really did.

0:08:27.920,0:08:30.080
But really, here's why.

0:08:31.280,0:08:34.936
The longest longitudinal study[br]of humans ever conducted

0:08:34.960,0:08:37.135
is called the Harvard Grant Study.

0:08:37.159,0:08:39.496
It found that professional[br]success in life,

0:08:39.520,0:08:42.096
which is what we want for our kids,

0:08:42.120,0:08:45.896
that professional success in life[br]comes from having done chores as a kid,

0:08:45.920,0:08:47.936
and the earlier you started, the better,

0:08:47.960,0:08:50.336
that a roll-up-your-sleeves-[br]and-pitch-in mindset,

0:08:50.360,0:08:52.736
a mindset that says,[br]there's some unpleasant work,

0:08:52.760,0:08:54.976
someone's got to do it,[br]it might as well be me,

0:08:55.000,0:08:56.216
a mindset that says,

0:08:56.240,0:08:59.336
I will contribute my effort[br]to the betterment of the whole,

0:08:59.360,0:09:02.416
that that's what gets you ahead[br]in the workplace.

0:09:02.440,0:09:05.336
Now, we all know this. You know this.

0:09:05.360,0:09:08.176
(Applause)

0:09:08.200,0:09:11.776
We all know this, and yet,[br]in the checklisted childhood,

0:09:11.800,0:09:15.576
we absolve our kids of doing[br]the work of chores around the house,

0:09:15.600,0:09:18.096
and then they end up[br]as young adults in the workplace

0:09:18.120,0:09:20.336
still waiting for a checklist,

0:09:20.360,0:09:21.816
but it doesn't exist,

0:09:21.840,0:09:25.136
and more importantly,[br]lacking the impulse, the instinct

0:09:25.160,0:09:27.376
to roll up their sleeves and pitch in

0:09:27.400,0:09:30.976
and look around and wonder,[br]how can I be useful to my colleagues?

0:09:31.000,0:09:35.320
How can I anticipate a few steps ahead[br]to what my boss might need?

0:09:36.280,0:09:39.880
A second very important finding[br]from the Harvard Grant Study

0:09:40.920,0:09:42.680
said that happiness in life

0:09:43.720,0:09:45.576
comes from love,

0:09:45.600,0:09:47.456
not love of work,

0:09:47.480,0:09:49.680
love of humans:

0:09:50.400,0:09:53.840
our spouse, our partner,[br]our friends, our family.

0:09:54.600,0:09:58.296
So childhood needs to teach[br]our kids how to love,

0:09:58.320,0:10:01.296
and they can't love others[br]if they don't first love themselves,

0:10:01.320,0:10:05.296
and they won't love themselves[br]if we can't offer them unconditional love.

0:10:05.320,0:10:07.280
(Applause)

0:10:09.600,0:10:10.800
Right.

0:10:12.240,0:10:14.016
And so,

0:10:14.040,0:10:16.296
instead of being obsessed[br]with grades and scores

0:10:16.320,0:10:19.216
when our precious offspring[br]come home from school,

0:10:19.240,0:10:20.736
or we come home from work,

0:10:20.760,0:10:23.536
we need to close our technology,[br]put away our phones,

0:10:23.560,0:10:24.936
and look them in the eye

0:10:24.960,0:10:28.136
and let them see[br]the joy that fills our faces

0:10:28.160,0:10:31.296
when we see our child[br]for the first time in a few hours.

0:10:31.320,0:10:33.256
And then we have to say,

0:10:33.280,0:10:34.480
"How was your day?

0:10:35.840,0:10:38.656
What did you like about today?"

0:10:38.680,0:10:42.416
And when your teenage daughter[br]says, "Lunch," like mine did,

0:10:42.440,0:10:44.496
and I want to hear about the math test,

0:10:44.520,0:10:45.936
not lunch,

0:10:45.960,0:10:48.976
you have to still[br]take an interest in lunch.

0:10:49.000,0:10:52.176
You gotta say, "What was great[br]about lunch today?"

0:10:52.200,0:10:55.576
They need to know[br]they matter to us as humans,

0:10:55.600,0:10:58.200
not because of their GPA.

0:10:59.640,0:11:01.856
All right, so you're thinking,[br]chores and love,

0:11:01.880,0:11:04.376
that sounds all well and good,[br]but give me a break.

0:11:04.400,0:11:07.376
The colleges want to see[br]top scores and grades

0:11:07.400,0:11:11.320
and accolades and awards,[br]and I'm going to tell you, sort of.

0:11:13.080,0:11:18.976
The very biggest brand-name schools[br]are asking that of our young adults,

0:11:19.000,0:11:20.360
but here's the good news.

0:11:21.160,0:11:26.256
Contrary to what the college[br]rankings racket would have us believe --

0:11:26.280,0:11:28.640
(Applause)

0:11:32.040,0:11:34.936
you don't have to go to one[br]of the biggest brand name schools

0:11:34.960,0:11:36.696
to be happy and successful in life.

0:11:36.720,0:11:39.576
Happy and successful people[br]went to state school,

0:11:39.600,0:11:41.856
went to a small college[br]no one has heard of,

0:11:41.880,0:11:43.456
went to community college,

0:11:43.480,0:11:46.216
went to a college over here[br]and flunked out.

0:11:46.240,0:11:49.040
(Applause)

0:11:53.240,0:11:56.216
The evidence is in this room,[br]is in our communities,

0:11:56.240,0:11:57.936
that this is the truth.

0:11:57.960,0:11:59.656
And if we could widen our blinders

0:11:59.680,0:12:01.936
and be willing to look[br]at a few more colleges,

0:12:01.960,0:12:05.496
maybe remove our own egos[br]from the equation,

0:12:05.520,0:12:09.176
we could accept and embrace[br]this truth and then realize,

0:12:09.200,0:12:11.176
it is hardly the end of the world

0:12:11.200,0:12:14.720
if our kids don't go to one[br]of those big brand-name schools.

0:12:15.960,0:12:17.216
And more importantly,

0:12:17.240,0:12:22.336
if their childhood has not been lived[br]according to a tyrannical checklist

0:12:22.360,0:12:24.496
then when they get to college,

0:12:24.520,0:12:26.456
whichever one it is,

0:12:26.480,0:12:29.576
well, they'll have gone there[br]on their own volition,

0:12:29.600,0:12:32.056
fueled by their own desire,

0:12:32.080,0:12:35.280
capable and ready to thrive there.

0:12:37.360,0:12:39.160
I have to admit something to you.

0:12:39.760,0:12:42.856
I've got two kids I mentioned,[br]Sawyer and Avery.

0:12:42.880,0:12:44.576
They're teenagers.

0:12:44.600,0:12:46.456
And once upon a time,

0:12:46.480,0:12:49.096
I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery

0:12:49.120,0:12:50.896
like little bonsai trees --

0:12:50.920,0:12:53.256
(Laughter)

0:12:53.280,0:12:56.216
that I was going[br]to carefully clip and prune

0:12:56.240,0:13:00.136
and shape into some perfect[br]form of a human

0:13:00.160,0:13:03.656
that might just be perfect enough[br]to warrant them admission

0:13:03.680,0:13:06.120
to one of the most[br]highly selective colleges.

0:13:07.040,0:13:10.920
But I've come to realize, after working[br]with thousands of other people's kids --

0:13:11.640,0:13:13.360
(Laughter)

0:13:14.480,0:13:16.800
and raising two kids of my own,

0:13:18.200,0:13:20.400
my kids aren't bonsai trees.

0:13:21.800,0:13:23.520
They're wildflowers

0:13:24.400,0:13:27.216
of an unknown genus and species --

0:13:27.240,0:13:29.136
(Laughter)

0:13:29.160,0:13:32.576
and it's my job to provide[br]a nourishing environment,

0:13:32.600,0:13:34.976
to strengthen them through chores

0:13:35.000,0:13:39.296
and to love them so they can[br]love others and receive love

0:13:39.320,0:13:42.416
and the college, the major, the career,

0:13:42.440,0:13:44.136
that's up to them.

0:13:44.160,0:13:49.816
My job is not to make them become[br]what I would have them become,

0:13:49.840,0:13:54.640
but to support them[br]in becoming their glorious selves.

0:13:55.400,0:13:56.616
Thank you.

0:13:56.640,0:14:03.070
(Applause)