-
You know, I didn't set out
to be a parenting expert.
-
In fact, I'm not very interested
in parenting, per Se.
-
It's just that there's a certain style
of parenting these days
-
that is kind of messing up kids,
-
impeding their chances
to develop into theirselves.
-
There's a certain style
of parenting these days
-
that's getting in the way.
-
I guess what I'm saying is,
-
we spend a lot of time
being very concerned
-
about parents who aren't involved enough
in the lives of their kids
-
and their education or their upbringing,
-
and rightly so.
-
But at the other end of the spectrum,
-
there's a lot of harm
going on there as well,
-
where parents feel
a kid can't be successful
-
unless the parent is protecting
and preventing at every turn
-
and hovering over every happening,
and micromanaging every moment,
-
and steering their kid towards
some small subset of colleges and careers.
-
When we raise kids this way,
-
and I'll say we,
-
because Lord knows,
in raising my two teenagers,
-
I've had these tendencies myself,
-
our kids end up leading
a kind of checklisted childhood.
-
And here's what the checklisted
childhood looks like.
-
We keep them safe and sound
-
and fed and watered,
-
and then we want to be sure
they go to the right schools,
-
that they're in the right classes
at the right schools,
-
and that they get the right grades
in the right classes in the right schools.
-
But not just the grades, the scores,
-
and not just the grades and scores,
but the accolades and the awards
-
and the sports,
the activities, the leadership.
-
We tell our kids, don't just join a club,
-
start a club, because colleges
want to see that.
-
And check the box for community service.
-
I mean, show the colleges
you care about others.
-
(Laughter)
-
And all of this is done to some
hoped-for degree of perfection.
-
We expect our kids
to perform at a level of perfection
-
we were never asked
to perform at ourselves,
-
and so because so much is required,
-
we think,
-
well then, of course we parents
have to argue with every teacher
-
and principal and coach and referee
-
and act like our kid's concierge
-
and personal handler
-
and secretary.
-
And then with our kids, our precious kids,
-
we spend so much time nudging,
-
cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling,
nagging as the case may be,
-
to be sure they're not screwing up,
-
not closing doors,
-
not ruining their future,
-
some hoped-for admission
-
to a tiny handful of colleges
-
that deny almost every applicant.
-
And here's what it feels like
to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.
-
First of all, there's
no time for free play.
-
There's no room in the afternoons,
-
because everything
has to be enriching, we think.
-
It's as if every piece of homework,
every quiz, every activity
-
is a make-or-break moment
for this future we have in mind for them,
-
and we absolve them
of helping out around the house,
-
and we even absolve them
of getting enough sleep
-
as long as they're checking off
the items on their checklist.
-
And in the checklisted childhood,
we say we just want them to be happy,
-
but when they come home from school,
-
what we ask about all too often first
-
is their homework and their grades.
-
And they see in our faces
-
that our approval, that our love,
-
that their very worth,
-
comes from A's.
-
And then we walk alongside them
-
and offer clucking praise like a trainer
at the Westminster Dog Show --
-
(Laughter)
-
coaxing them to just jump a little higher
and soar a little farther,
-
day after day after day.
-
And when they get to high school,
-
they don't say, "Well, what might I
be interested in studying
-
or doing as an activity?"
-
They go to counselors and they say,
-
"What do I need to do
to get into the right college?"
-
And then, when the grades
start to roll in in high school,
-
and they're getting some B's,
-
or God forbid some C's,
-
they frantically text their friends
-
and say, "Has anyone ever gotten
into the right college with these grades?"
-
And our kids,
-
regardless of where they end up
at the end of high school,
-
they're breathless.
-
They're brittle.
-
They're a little burned out.
-
They're a little old before their time,
-
wishing the grown-ups in their lives
had said, "What you've done is enough,
-
this effort you've put forth
in childhood is enough."
-
And they're withering now
under high rates of anxiety and depression
-
and some of them are wondering,
-
will this life ever turn out
to have been worth it?
-
Well, we parents,
-
we parents are pretty sure
it's all worth it.
-
We seem to behave --
-
it's like we literally think
they will have no future
-
if they don't get into one of these
tiny set of colleges or careers
-
we have in mind for them.
-
Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid
-
they won't have a future we can brag about
-
to our friends and with stickers
on the backs of our cars.
-
Yeah.
-
(Applause)
-
But if you look at what we've done,
-
if you have the courage
to really look at it,
-
you'll see that not only do our kids
think their worth comes
-
from grades and scores,
-
but that when we live right up inside
their precious developing minds
-
all the time, like our very own version
of the movie "Being John Malkovich,"
-
we send our children the message:
-
"Hey kid, I don't think you can actually
achieve any of this without me."
-
And so with our overhelp,
-
our overprotection
and overdirection and hand-holding,
-
we deprive our kids
of the chance to build self-efficacy,
-
which is a really fundamental tenet
of the human psyche,
-
far more important
than that self-esteem they get
-
every time we applaud.
-
Self-efficacy is built when one sees
that one's own actions lead to outcomes,
-
not --
-
There you go.
-
(Applause)
-
Not one's parents'
actions on one's behalf,
-
but when one's own actions
lead to outcomes.
-
So simply put,
-
if our children are to develop
self-efficacy, and they must,
-
then they have to do a whole lot more
of the thinking, planning, deciding,
-
doing, hoping, coping, trial and error,
-
dreaming and experiencing of life
-
for themselves.
-
Now, am I saying
-
every kid is hard-working and motivated
-
and doesn't need a parent's involvement
or interest in their lives,
-
and we should just back off and let go?
-
Hell no.
-
(Laughter)
-
That is not what I'm saying.
-
What I'm saying is, when we treat
grades and scores and accolades and awards
-
as the purpose of childhood,
-
all in furtherance of some hoped-for
admission to a tiny number of colleges
-
or entrance to a small number of careers,
-
that that's too narrow a definition
of success for our kids.
-
And even though we might help them
achieve some short-term wins
-
by overhelping --
-
like they get a better grade
if we help them do their homework,
-
they might end up with a longer
childhood résumé when we help --
-
what I'm saying is that all of this
comes at a long-term cost
-
to their sense of self.
-
What I'm saying is,
we should be less concerned
-
with the specific set of colleges
-
they might be able
to apply to or might get into
-
and far more concerned that they have
the habits, the mindset, the skill set,
-
the wellness, to be successful
wherever they go.
-
What I'm saying is,
-
our kids need us to be a little
less obsessed with grades and scores
-
and a whole lot more interested
-
in childhood providing
a foundation for their success
-
built on things like love
-
and chores.
-
(Laughter)
-
(Applause)
-
Did I just say chores?
Did I just say chores? I really did.
-
But really, here's why.
-
The longest longitudinal study
of humans ever conducted
-
is called the Harvard Grant Study.
-
It found that professional
success in life,
-
which is what we want for our kids,
-
that professional success in life
comes from having done chores as a kid,
-
and the earlier you started, the better,
-
that a roll-up-your-sleeves-
and-pitch-in mindset,
-
a mindset that says,
there's some unpleasant work,
-
someone's got to do it,
it might as well be me,
-
a mindset that says,
-
I will contribute my effort
to the betterment of the whole,
-
that that's what gets you ahead
in the workplace.
-
Now, we all know this. You know this.
-
(Applause)
-
We all know this, and yet,
in the checklisted childhood,
-
we absolve our kids of doing
the work of chores around the house,
-
and then they end up
as young adults in the workplace
-
still waiting for a checklist,
-
but it doesn't exist,
-
and more importantly,
lacking the impulse, the instinct
-
to roll up their sleeves and pitch in
-
and look around and wonder,
how can I be useful to my colleagues?
-
How can I anticipate a few steps ahead
to what my boss might need?
-
A second very important finding
from the Harvard Grant Study
-
said that happiness in life
-
comes from love,
-
not love of work,
-
love of humans:
-
our spouse, our partner,
our friends, our family.
-
So childhood needs to teach
our kids how to love,
-
and they can't love others
if they don't first love themselves,
-
and they won't love themselves
if we can't offer them unconditional love.
-
(Applause)
-
Right.
-
And so,
-
instead of being obsessed
with grades and scores
-
when our precious offspring
come home from school,
-
or we come home from work,
-
we need to close our technology,
put away our phones,
-
and look them in the eye
-
and let them see
the joy that fills our faces
-
when we see our child
for the first time in a few hours.
-
And then we have to say,
-
"How was your day?
-
What did you like about today?"
-
And when your teenage daughter
says, "Lunch," like mine did,
-
and I want to hear about the math test,
-
not lunch,
-
you have to still
take an interest in lunch.
-
You gotta say, "What was great
about lunch today?"
-
They need to know
they matter to us as humans,
-
not because of their GPA.
-
All right, so you're thinking,
chores and love,
-
that sounds all well and good,
but give me a break.
-
The colleges want to see
top scores and grades
-
and accolades and awards,
and I'm going to tell you, sort of.
-
The very biggest brand-name schools
are asking that of our young adults,
-
but here's the good news.
-
Contrary to what the college
rankings racket would have us believe --
-
(Applause)
-
you don't have to go to one
of the biggest brand name schools
-
to be happy and successful in life.
-
Happy and successful people
went to state school,
-
went to a small college
no one has heard of,
-
went to community college,
-
went to a college over here
and flunked out.
-
(Applause)
-
The evidence is in this room,
is in our communities,
-
that this is the truth.
-
And if we could widen our blinders
-
and be willing to look
at a few more colleges,
-
maybe remove our own egos
from the equation,
-
we could accept and embrace
this truth and then realize,
-
it is hardly the end of the world
-
if our kids don't go to one
of those big brand-name schools.
-
And more importantly,
-
if their childhood has not been lived
according to a tyrannical checklist
-
then when they get to college,
-
whichever one it is,
-
well, they'll have gone there
on their own volition,
-
fueled by their own desire,
-
capable and ready to thrive there.
-
I have to admit something to you.
-
I've got two kids I mentioned,
Sawyer and Avery.
-
They're teenagers.
-
And once upon a time,
-
I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery
-
like little bonsai trees --
-
(Laughter)
-
that I was going
to carefully clip and prune
-
and shape into some perfect
form of a human
-
that might just be perfect enough
to warrant them admission
-
to one of the most
highly selective colleges.
-
But I've come to realize, after working
with thousands of other people's kids --
-
(Laughter)
-
and raising two kids of my own,
-
my kids aren't bonsai trees.
-
They're wildflowers
-
of an unknown genus and species --
-
(Laughter)
-
and it's my job to provide
a nourishing environment,
-
to strengthen them through chores
-
and to love them so they can
love others and receive love
-
and the college, the major, the career,
-
that's up to them.
-
My job is not to make them become
what I would have them become,
-
but to support them
in becoming their glorious selves.
-
Thank you.
-
(Applause)
Ani Mer
Regarding this part 11:58 - 12:00
And if we could widen our blinders
I would suggest to traslate at this way
Y si nosotros podriamos quitarnos las vendas de los ojos