-
Mr. Brogan...
-
I assume you've called in regard
to the mortgage payment...
-
on Castle Plunkett,
unfortunately still delayed...
-
by what seems to be
our endless postal strike.
-
Dear sir, I must
once again remind you...
-
my first name is not "Dick,"
nor is my last name "Face."
-
It is simply Peter.
Peter Plunkett.
-
No, I was not given
a middle name...
-
but had I been,
I feel certain...
-
my mother
would not have chosen...
-
'"Low-life Shit-for-brains
Peckerhead."
-
You obviously know
a side of Mother...
-
I have been happily
sheltered from.
-
Nevertheless, I marvel
at your colorfully creative...
-
ever-so-American
colloquialisms...
-
which flow so grippingly
from your razor like tongue.
-
The hotel is in
tiptop condition...
-
the renovations
are proceeding at a...
-
What? Why shouldn't I bother?
-
Peter, who are you calling?
-
Oh, Mother! Will you please
get off the line?
-
Turning the castle
into a theme park?
-
'"Irish World"?
-
Gee, what an interesting notion.
-
In where? In Malibu?
-
What is Malibu?
-
I see. You want to move
the castle to Malibu...
-
which, I am to presume,
lies on the western corner...
-
of those United States.
-
Mr. Brogan, if I cannot
send your payment...
-
how on earth do you expect...
-
to transport an entire castle
across the sea?
-
The number of stamps alone
is mind-boggling!
-
But I can assure you,
Mr. Brogan...
-
that if it goes on
much longer...
-
I will take this check
which I am holding in my hand...
-
and personally ferry it
across the water to England...
-
and mail it to you myself.
That's how much I care.
-
What postal strike?
-
Shut up, Mother!
-
I don't think
that kind of language...
-
is necessary, Mr. Brogan.
-
Understandable, but...
-
So, what you're saying...
-
is that if I don't come up with
the money in three weeks...
-
you will foreclose
and take over Castle Plunkett.
-
I see.
-
Have you heard of the quality
of mercy, Mr. Brogan?
-
You haven't read
your Shakespeare, Mr. Brogan.
-
Good-bye.
-
There you are!
-
Taking the easy way out.
You naughty boy!
-
Mother, this is not easy.
It is very, very difficult.
-
Just because you haven't got
a guest in the place...
-
you're in hock
to that fellow Brogan.
-
Your father's so worried,
he's tearing his hair out!
-
Mother, father has been dead
for a decade.
-
And what about
your grandmother?
-
How do you think she feels?
-
Mother,
grandmother is dead, too.
-
She's still upset.
-
Very well.
I apologize profoundly...
-
to the ghosts of my ancestors...
-
for making a mess
of their ancestral home.
-
Hold that.
-
I'm not gonna help you.
-
How many ghosts are there here?
-
There's Great Auntie Nana
and Uncle Toby...
-
and that nice
Elizabethan lady...
-
and the nun who was walled
into the closet...
-
and Oliver's bastard, who never
came out of the library.
-
Mother.
-
- What, darling?
- What a wonderful idea.
-
- What, darling?
- Ghosts.
-
Ghosts?
-
Ghosts.
-
A wonderful tourist attraction.
-
Katie!
-
Katie, take this down.
-
Castle Plunkett...
-
the superbly-restored edifice
in the heart...
-
of the incomparably beautiful
Irish countryside.
-
Also known to be
the most haunted place...
-
on the Emerald Isle!
-
Here, the dead
outnumber the living!
-
This castle contains
more ghouls, ghosties...
-
long-leggedy beasties...
-
and things
that go bump in the night...
-
than on any other place
in this revolving, revolting...
-
maggot-spinning earth!
-
We can promise you
banshees, pookas...
-
ghouls of all descriptions.
-
The one thing we won't promise
is a good night's sleep.
-
There are no bloody ghosts here.
-
I know, but there will be.
We'll invent them.
-
Yes, Mr. Wilson...
-
the accommodations
are strictly modern...
-
and so far, the renovations
have been consistent...
-
with maintaining
the ectoplasmic ambience...
-
of Castle Plunkett and environs.
-
Illusion.
-
You, Katie, for instance.
-
You high on a wire would be
magnificent as a flying banshee.
-
A little dry rot,
selective damp...
-
some fungus here and there.
-
Ghosts need
such things to exist.
-
Thank you.
-
Patricia, you could be...
-
a mermaid!
-
Or Lady Godiva.
-
Anybody dead down there?
-
Only the corpse, Eamon.
-
What the shaggin' hell
are you doin' up there?
-
Genius. Pure genius.
-
Just you wait till they see it.
-
The bloody hand to the front...
-
And the bloody feet at the rear.
-
Look, what in the name of God
is that?
-
We're not doin'
the "African Queen."
-
Will you get me the shaggin'
fish I asked you for?
-
Smile, Katie!
-
You have to smile!
-
The Americans
are coming tomorrow.
-
Now, Eamon, you little genius,
one more time.
-
Ready, steady, go!
-
Jack, what are you doing?
-
It's a little champagne.
-
To us, to Ireland...
-
your homeland.
-
Loch Ness Monster,
guys in skirts.
-
That's Scotland, Jack.
-
I knew that.
-
Oh, Christ!
-
Oh, Jack.
I've just taken two Valium...
-
and now you're trying
to drown me in champagne.
-
God. Next thing you know,
you'll want to have sex.
-
Ma'am?
-
A little champagne?
-
I suppose sex
is out of the question?
-
I think I should be
the tart on the horse...
-
and you should be
the hag in the tree.
-
I think I should go home.
-
Just give me that hair back!
-
Bon voyage!
-
On our left,
we have the Houghlin Bog...
-
home to more grisly
and gruesome murders...
-
than any comparable spot
in the universe.
-
The fierce,
fighting O'Flahertys...
-
would pile down from
the Knockmealdown Mountains...
-
and pillage and rape
women and children.
-
We have children here.
-
Even Christian brothers
were known to berserk...
-
the occasional sheep or goat.
-
Here, within the confines
of Castle Plunkett itself...
-
we come to the infamous
Wailing Willow...
-
from which the Brogan Banshee...
-
is reported to wail and howl
from time to time.
-
They're comin', Katie!
-
Get ready to show them
all you have!
-
Scare the Jesus out of 'em.
-
Howl, Katie, howl!
-
Howl like a banshee!
-
Wave the life out of 'em!
Wave your arms!
-
Oh, Jesus!
-
Stop the bus!
-
Help me!
-
Driver!
-
Help me!
-
There's a lady
on the luggage rack!
-
I'm not a lady!
I'm a banshee!
-
There's a banshee
on the luggage rack!
-
And the banshee's howling
brings forth...
-
the restless spirit
of Lady Amelia...
-
risen from her grave, riding
naked on her magical mount!
-
Hands and heels now, Patricia!
-
I can't stop it!
-
Help!
-
Awesome!
-
Oh, mummy!
-
The things I do for you.
-
Deeply appreciated.
-
Oh, dear.
-
Don't panic!
-
What do you mean,
"don't panic"?
-
Listen to me!
Don't panic!
-
Shut up!
-
She's amphibious,
or so I'm told.
-
Jesus Christ.
This is the end of the world.
-
Best foot forward, Katie.
-
Welcome to Castle Plunkett!
-
You are most heartily welcomed.
-
Ladies, gentlemen, children...
-
you appear to be a trifle moist.
-
May I?
-
Good evening, boys,
young lady...
-
Mr. Crawford,
Mrs. Crawford, Mrs. Clay.
-
Mr. Plunkett, what is
this whiting in a glaze?
-
Oh, that would be a lovely
whiting with bread crumbs.
-
And the whiting au nature?
-
Boiled whiting.
-
So, what's
the whiting vapor stuff?
-
That, my dear young one, would
be whiting, steamed.
-
And what is this?
-
Whiting bordeaux?
-
Very witty, Mr. Clay.
-
OK, Mom. You've got us here.
Now where are these ghosts?
-
Come on! I wanna see one now!
-
Boys!
-
I'm afraid there are
no ghosts here.
-
A cynic, Mr. Clay.
-
No, a parapsychologist...
-
Mr. Plunkett.
-
Duke University.
-
A para-what?
-
A parapsychologist.
An expert in ghosts.
-
Give the parapsychologist
a drink, Katie.
-
Whiting bisque, madame?
-
Thank you.
-
And for you, father?
The whiting bisque?
-
So, I was seeing this guy, and
he's a devil worshipper, right?
-
Well, he's a hairdresser,
really...
-
but he devil worships
on the side.
-
We booked this dumb tour
'cause he likes ghosts...
-
corpses, dead gerbils,
that kind of thing...
-
and he ran off
with this Buddhist monk.
-
I mean, how was I supposed
to know he was gay?
-
So, what about you?
Are you gay, too?
-
No, I'm not, but I'm chaste.
-
Just kidding.
Trick question.
-
So, what are you doing here?
-
Well, I thought
I'd take a vacation here...
-
in the Isle of Saints...
-
before I take my final vows
as a sort of spiritual treat.
-
Retreat.
-
Yeah. Well, I've kind of
taken a vow myself.
-
I've sworn off men
for a while, at least.
-
But you're not a priest yet?
-
No. Not yet.
-
Well, here's to keeping
our vows.
-
Mr. Plunkett.
-
Who's that?
-
Mary Plunkett.
-
My great-great-great-great-
great-great-grandcousin.
-
She died right here in
Castle Plunkett 200 years ago.
-
She couldn't take
the whiting, either?
-
Levity is out of place,
Mrs. Crawford.
-
She was murdered
on her wedding night...
-
by the hand of her
newly wedded husband.
-
When I remember
-
All friends linked together
-
I've seen around me
-
Fall like leaves in wintry snow
-
Why don't I just
give you both here?
-
I can get the change later.
-
Lovely music.
-
Shut up!
-
Some banquet-hall
-
Deserted
-
Whose lights are fled
-
Whose garlands dead
-
And all but he departed
-
Thus in the stilly night
-
Ere slumber's chain
-
Has bound me
-
Fond memory brings the light
-
Honey, everybody's singing.
-
It's beautiful.
-
It's beautiful.
-
A full moon has risen
above Houghlin Bog.
-
Those of you
with nervous dispositions...
-
would do well
to protect yourselves.
-
Lock your windows,
bolt your doors...
-
say your prayers...
-
for tonight,
they may be walking abroad...
-
the cluricanes,
the banshees, and the pookas.
-
Good night.
Sleep well, if you can.
-
If you dare!
-
Bugs.
-
Where did they all go?
-
Don't ask.
They might come back.
-
Well, if there are
any ghosts in this castle...
-
I hope to God they put on
a better show than this one.
-
It was pretty scary, huh, kids?
-
Didn't you see
'"Nightmare on Elm Street"?
-
Give me a break.
-
Scared the shit out of me.
-
Right. Phase Two.
-
Katie, banshee time.
-
Julia, where's me bandages?
-
Because it's hard to get
a significant C.R. Reading...
-
when there is no observed
deviation to be measured.
-
I'm afraid that this is going
to be the most pitiful scam...
-
There is not even
a dress hanger in the dump.
-
Malky.
-
Get me the nightie
you bought me at the duty-free.
-
Honey?
-
Thanks, Bugbear.
Oh, take this, would you?
-
Unexpected random fluctuations
of the standard deviation...
-
would need to exceed 2.33 for it
to be conceived as significant.
-
Here we have
a very impressive sight indeed.
-
It's the winning Hereford bull
owned by Mr. Lynch...
-
and he's won the competition
for the third year in a row.
-
Mind you,
the competition we saw today...
-
was of a very
high quality indeed...
-
and the judges
had a very difficult task.
-
Of course, these days,
the judges emphasize grooming...
-
Oh, my God.
-
Major jet lag.
-
Excuse me.
-
I don't believe in ghosts.
-
Oh, wait.
-
Calm down, Miranda.
-
You can stop it now,
because really, I'm not scared.
-
One more time, my Katie, and
give the window a little tap.
-
Tap it yourself.
-
Away, Little John.
-
Damn it!
Look at me, you bastard!
-
OK, you guys.
-
If you aren't in bed in three
seconds, you are grounded.
-
But we haven't seen a ghost yet.
-
And I'm not whistlin' Dixie.
-
Help me!
-
Help!
-
Please, somebody help me!
-
Where's he goin'?
-
Help me!
-
All right. I'm coming.
-
- Brother Tony, help me!
- I will!
-
- You have to make it stop!
- All right!
-
I don't like it at all!
-
Come on, Brother Tony! Jump!
-
I'm coming!
-
Oh, Tony!
-
Brother Tony!
Do something!
-
Don't just lay there,
do something!
-
Like what?
-
Exorcise it!
-
You're a priest, aren't you?
-
How about a little something
from "Revelations"?
-
- "Revelations"?
- "Revelations."
-
'"And I saw an angel..."
-
I'm gonna be sick!
-
Don't leave me!
We're going to die!
-
They're going to kill us!
-
A change in the humidity
and you will turn blue.
-
Come to me, Bugbear.
-
Make me a woman.
-
My love.
-
Oh, that's the most pathetic
display that I've ever seen.
-
Malcolm!
-
What is that?
A 45-degree semisilver mirror?
-
Now, Eamon.
-
The sword!
-
Jack, what are you doing?
-
I smell something burning, Jack.
-
Sharon!
-
How many times
do I have to tell you "no"?
-
I'm exhausted.
We are not making love tonight.
-
I just saw a ghost!
-
That is the most pathetic excuse
for sex I have ever heard!
-
If I say I'm too tired,
then I'm too tired.
-
Thank you very much, Jack.
-
Now I need to take
two more Valium.
-
My God, he's got my underwear!
-
Oh, very nice!
A pervert ghost!
-
Malcolm, the children!
-
Don't worry, Marge.
I'll handle this.
-
Get away from the children!
-
Yeah, Dad!
-
Supernatural, huh?
-
Sounds pretty solid to me.
-
Behind me, children!
-
How dare you threaten
my family?
-
I think it's real, Dad.
-
I'll show you real!
-
Mother of God!
-
You could've shaggin' killed me.
-
Maybe if we made love
more often...
-
you wouldn't need
your stupid pills.
-
Do not take that Valium.
-
Sharon,
do not take that Valium.
-
Would you listen to me
for once in your life?
-
Sharon, please!
-
It's not working!
We have to stop!
-
We have to try something else!
-
What are you doing...
-
to that poor ghost?
-
Wait a minute!
-
Plunkett! You phony! You fake!
-
Julia! Oh, how's my poor...
-
Little demon children!
-
Calm yourselves!
-
As the brochure says,
it's the unpredictability...
-
of spirits that causes problems.
-
So I would like to apologize
for any minor inconvenience.
-
This is the most pitiful
supernatural sham...
-
that I've ever encountered!
-
It will get better,
I assure you.
-
That's it!
-
We are leaving
tomorrow morning, Jack.
-
Oh, no, my dear woman.
-
Am I intruding?
-
Just give the poor ghosts
a little time.
-
We're history, dude.
-
Couldn't we look on tonight
as a kind of dress rehearsal?
-
You're finished, Plunkett!
-
I am going to personally expose
this pathetic fraud!
-
There are laws, sir,
against people like you.
-
Marge, children, we're leaving.
-
Maybe Jim Brogan'll
give us another chance?
-
Jim Brogan? What's Jim Brogan
got to do with this?
-
He has the mortgage
on the place...
-
and we've only got
two weeks left...
-
and then he's gonna
throw us out.
-
Jack, I'm very tired.
I'd like to go to bed now.
-
- Now!
- Just wait a minute!
-
What's going on here,
Mr. Plunkett?
-
So we told a lie.
-
Everyone lies once in a while.
-
So Katie isn't a ghost...
-
and Julia still
has her head on...
-
and Eamon isn't a mummy...
-
and the castle isn't haunted,
but what of that?
-
What you have
to ask yourselves is...
-
why did we do it?
-
We did it because
we love this place.
-
Every little
worm-eaten brick...
-
every little rotting
nook and cranny.
-
Why should you Americans care
if I lose my home?
-
Castle Plunkett.
-
And the villagers lose
their only means of employment?
-
Thank you, Katie.
-
Jack, let's go to bed.
-
- I care, Mr. Plunkett.
- What?
-
I care.
-
Jim Brogan is my father-in-law,
so I'm involved in this.
-
You're Jim Brogan's daughter?
-
Yes, my name's Brogan.
-
I might as well tell you...
-
that there won't be any
extensions on your mortgage.
-
I mean, not after
tonight's performance.
-
I don't believe this.
-
Daddy asked me
to check it out.
-
I mean, this ghost business
was too ridiculous.
-
So you came to sabotage us?
-
You did perfectly all right
all by yourself.
-
I didn't have to lift a finger.
-
Jack, are you coming?
-
Look, I don't know what to say.
-
I didn't know.
-
I didn't.
-
For what it's worth,
I think this place is great.
-
You're the ghost in the bedroom.
-
You were the banshee
on the luggage rack.
-
Sharon, hey, wait a minute!
-
Daddy wants this place.
He's always wanted it.
-
He was born here.
He hates the Plunketts.
-
Why?
-
Why not?
Daddy hates most people.
-
So you lied to me.
-
You used our second honeymoon
for Daddy.
-
Jack, it's business.
-
It's business?
-
Obviously, a word
you're not familiar with.
-
Where are you going?
-
To get drunk.
-
I don't want you
to lose your castle.
-
Not to my father-in-law,
he's a son of a bitch.
-
Oh, my dear fellow,
you're too kind.
-
He's an unlovely combination...
-
of a son of a bitch
and a rat's knackers.
-
What's a rat's knackers?
-
It's an unholy trinity
of a muckraker, a gobshite...
-
and a hoor's melt.
-
The guy's a dick.
-
In a word.
-
Would you like a drink?
-
I thought I had one.
-
I mean a real drink.
-
Upsy-daisy.
-
My father's brew.
-
Oh, perfect.
-
Look at the bad side...
-
gotta look at the good side.
-
There's constantly...
-
There's two sides
to every story.
-
The milk of human kindness,
Sharon.
-
Three little words,
every once in a while.
-
Doesn't cost anything.
-
'"I love you."
-
Oh, shit. Wrong room.
-
Our room's not this nice.
-
- No, Martin!
- It's not what you think.
-
Oh, no, Martin. No!
-
I know you.
-
You're the girl in the painting!
-
- So, you wee harlot.
- No, Martin!
-
You're the one in the painting.
-
You'll tup with no one!
Come here, lovey!
-
Who's this guy?
-
You're a great act.
Real bruises, too, huh?
-
Wow, that's great.
-
Hey, pal, you should've
done this earlier.
-
I think you could've
saved the place.
-
Where is he?
-
Martin, there's no one!
-
Great outfits.
-
Martin, there's no one!
-
Looks real!
-
Martin, there's no one!
-
Looks a little rough, but real.
-
Why don't I believe ya?
-
This is so disgusting.
-
Oh, Lord, she wouldn't die,
not with a lie on her lips.
-
Oh, God, what have I done?
-
You killed her.
-
Oh, Lord, what have I done?
-
I told you, you killed her.
-
Mary.
-
Oh, Lord, what have I done?
-
What did you do?
She's a mess!
-
There's a trap door down here.
-
Oh, no, Martin!
-
So, you wee harlot.
-
No, Martin. No!
-
Duck!
-
You won't tup with me, huh?
-
Please, no!
-
The party's over, all right?
-
Take your hands off the girl...
-
or you're gonna be...
OK, pal!
-
Where is he?
-
All right! Where is he?
-
Martin, there's no one.
-
Wait a minute, wait.
-
What are you doing?
She's a beautiful woman.
-
That's a beautiful woman!
-
Martin, there's no one!
-
Then, why don't I believe ya?
-
I'm hit.
-
Oh, God.
-
You dirty rotten...
-
Mary?
-
No, he missed me.
-
Oh, Lord, she wouldn't die,
not with a lie on her lips.
-
Oh, Lord, what have I done?
-
Oh, God, what have I done?
-
Who are you guys?
-
I'm Mary Plunkett.
-
Wait a minute.
-
This is an act.
-
This is an act. Right?
-
How can I thank you?
-
For what?
-
For your selflessness.
-
I didn't do... I don't...
-
How can I thank you?
-
You're so beautiful.
-
How can I thank you?
-
Thank you.
-
Don't go.
-
Why do you have to go?
-
I don't feel good.
-
Sharon, I think I'm going crazy.
-
I gotta know. Did you...
-
Did you ever love me?
-
Let's see if those pills
really work.
-
You've had a good life.
-
Oh, God.
-
You.
-
You are...
-
Good morning, darling.
-
Good morning, Lavinia.
-
Well, our son is an idiot.
-
We've known that for years.
-
Haven't we, darling?
-
Well, this time,
he has surpassed himself.
-
The ghosts are furious.
-
Why?
-
Well, they've heard that
that Jim Brogan fellow...
-
is going to move the castle
to Malibu.
-
How nice.
-
All that sunshine,
and all those movies stars.
-
No respectable ghost
would live in California.
-
Besides, they're Irish.
What would they do there?
-
Oh, if only I hadn't died.
-
None of this
would ever have happened.
-
Well, you did die,
didn't you, darling?
-
So, what are
we gonna do about it?
-
Out of my hands.
They won't listen to me.
-
They're going
to give those Americans...
-
exactly what they came here for.
-
Serve 'em right.
-
I'm dead.
-
So, this is what it feels like.
-
Like a hangover.
-
Peter?
-
Peter, wake up.
-
The Yanks are leaving.
-
Really?
-
As long as I'm dead,
I might as well tell you.
-
You've got all the warmth
of a penguin on an iceberg.
-
You're a dwarf.
-
You'd better clean
those choppers real good...
-
so you can chew up
the next jerk who comes along.
-
I'm not dead?
-
No, but if I were you...
-
I wouldn't make
any long-range plans.
-
Great, Jack. Now I've got
a massive migraine coming on.
-
My B-complex level
is rock bottom.
-
Sharon, look...
-
Let me see that.
-
Sharon, I think...
-
Get packed, Jack.
-
Sharon, you took a Valium.
-
Wrong pills.
-
What did you have
for your breakfast, little boy?
-
Some tan fish.
-
That was a nice change.
-
I said this place
is a nightmare, Daddy!
-
Of course, I sound strange.
I'm depressed.
-
Everybody hates me.
-
And, last night,
Jack slept on the floor...
-
and when he woke up,
he said he was dead...
-
and that I was a dwarf
and that I had buck teeth...
-
and you know
how self-conscious I am...
-
about those things,
this is all your fault!
-
I hate you!
-
Miss Crawford?
Are you all right?
-
Do you think that I'm colder
than a penguin on an iceberg?
-
Oh. Well, no.
-
No, you see, actually,
penguins are a lot warmer...
-
than people
give them credit for.
-
How dare you!
-
I didn't... don't tell my wife.
-
I mean, not that I did anything.
-
Do you hear me, Sharon?
Sharon, get on this phone!
-
Will you talk to me, Sharon?
-
You're real.
I mean, you're not.
-
You're a real ghost.
-
I have to thank you
for what you did last night.
-
It was nothing.
-
What did I do?
-
You gave me my first moment
of peace in near 200 years.
-
I'll be in your debt
for eternity, sir.
-
It was nothing, and you
don't have to call me sir.
-
What can I call ya?
-
Thank you, Sir Jack.
-
It's on me.
-
- Lovely dress.
- My wedding dress.
-
Today is my wedding day.
-
Tonight, he'll murder me.
-
You get murdered every night?
-
Every night until last night.
-
What about tonight?
-
That depends on you.
-
Why me?
-
Your love broke the chain,
crossed the boundaries...
-
Oh, my God, hold on!
You can't depend on me!
-
Nobody can depend on me.
My wife would never understand...
-
Ah, twasn't love, then.
-
Mary, we hardly know each other.
-
Look, I gotta go!
-
- Don't go, Jack!
- I gotta, I just... look...
-
You want to forget me.
-
I don't know what I want!
-
I just don't...
-
What the heck?
-
He's flying!
Look at him!
-
Me roof!
-
Jesus Christ!
-
So all the snakes
weren't driven out of Ireland.
-
- What?
- The snakes!
-
"To die; to sleep no more;
and by a sleep to say we end..."
-
Peter! They changed their minds!
They're staying!
-
There is a God.
-
Hey, would your name
conceivably be Jack?
-
Welcome back, dear guests!
-
Let me be the first
to apologize...
-
for our temperamental
Irish weather.
-
Shut up, Plunkett.
Call us a cab.
-
Certainly, Mr. Clay.
Immediately.
-
Deepest regrets,
the phones are dead.
-
The storm
must've knocked them out.
-
So, we're all together
for one more night.
-
It seems that we're becoming
one big, happy family.
-
Sorry, Mr. P.
-
Plunkett!
-
I'd rather walk into town
in this suit of armor...
-
and spend a night in a stable...
-
than to spend one more second
in this hell hole!
-
Marge! Children!
We're leaving!
-
Malcolm!
-
Oh, my God!
-
Malcolm!
-
Oh, God!
-
Malcolm, can you hear me?
-
Oh, please,
let him be all right.
-
Oh, dear God.
-
Plunkett, this is your doing!
-
Darling?
-
Yes, I think we could stay
one more night.
-
Sweet Mother Mary...
-
Saint Brigid...
-
please don't let me marry him.
-
Please release me.
-
I don't love Martin,
and I never will.
-
Sweet Mother Mary,
Saint Brigid...
-
please don't let me marry him.
-
Please release me.
-
I don't love Martin.
-
Sweet Mother Mary,
Saint Brigid...
-
please don't let me marry him.
-
Please release me.
-
Sweet Mother Mary...
-
Sweet Jesus,
what happened to you?
-
I ran into a little wind.
-
Oh, dear.
-
That would be the spirits
in the castle.
-
Sorry.
-
What are you doing?
-
I'm praying to Saint Brigid...
-
to release me
from me marriage vows.
-
Look, this is
too psychotic for me.
-
- I mean, look...
- Saint Brigid...
-
I mean, I'm as up for
a good nervous breakdown...
-
as anybody, really,
but this is too much.
-
I mean, I get here yesterday...
-
my marriage collapses,
then I save a ghost...
-
from being murdered
by another ghost.
-
Now, if you think about it,
that makes no sense at all.
-
Then I fly through the air,
hit a tree...
-
and Renaldo the talking horse
here...
-
leads me to... -
-
to the most beautiful...
-
ghost that I've ever seen
in my...
-
Last night, when you took
Martin's sword in my stead...
-
you broke the cursed chain
that has bound me for 200 years.
-
What cursed chain?
-
Me marriage to Martin Brogan
was arranged by me father.
-
I did not love him.
-
He had warts,
and his feet stank.
-
On my wedding night,
I refused to be tupped by him.
-
- Tupped?
- Tupped.
-
I get it.
-
Go on.
-
He thought I loved another...
though I did not.
-
And in a jealous fury,
he did me to death!
-
Now, every day for me
is the same.
-
If I get murdered
one more time, I'll scream.
-
Who'd want to be a ghost?
-
We are what we are.
-
So... this Marty stank?
-
Aye, and he squished.
-
He squished?
-
Squished.
-
Oh, he squished!
-
God...
-
Could you love a man
who belched but didn't squish?
-
I could love you,
Sir Jack.
-
If you loved me,
the miracle could happen.
-
I can't.
-
I cannot do this.
I am married.
-
Then you don't love me.
-
- I didn't say that.
- Then I am doomed forever.
-
Even now Martin dons his
garments, sharpens his knife.
-
Good-bye, Sir Jack.
-
Look, you're a ghost.
I'm an American.
-
It would never work out.
-
Sweet Mother Mary.
Saint Colum...
-
Mary, look, I don't want you
to get murdered again.
-
It's just that my wife... if she
found out, she'd murder me!
-
Jack, is that you?
-
God, I don't know what happened
to me, but I feel zonked.
-
I've got pains all over my body.
Could you rub my back?
-
Well, go on, Jack.
I won't bite.
-
Jack, you never did it
like that before.
-
Saint Patrick.
-
Saint Jude.
-
Saint Columcille.
-
Saint Hocks McGorrick.
-
Honey! What...
-
Honey, what is it?
-
Where have you been?
There was a man in my bathtub!
-
A big giant man, gigantic...
-
and he's scrubbing my back,
and it felt good!
-
I should've known it wasn't you!
-
He had warts all over his hands!
-
Yeah, with warts.
Yeah, that's Martin.
-
- Who's Martin?
- He's a ghost.
-
- He's a what?
- He's a ghost.
-
He murders his wife every night.
Other than that...
-
I think he's pretty harmless,
sweetheart.
-
- Get out!
- Honey, l...
-
Sweetheart, look...
-
Honey, you're...
Honey, really...
-
You don't understand.
-
Honey, we've gotta talk.
-
Are you OK, honey?
-
Do I look OK?
-
Not really.
-
What are you doing?
-
I have to check this place out.
-
Something smells
very wrong here.
-
Yes, it does.
-
It smells like... burnt rubber.
-
No, that's me.
-
To right, right.
To left, left.
-
Do you believe this?
-
Only four channels!
-
Cables must be unplugged.
-
There's no cable.
This is it.
-
I tell ya.
This place sucks the big one.
-
Fingers together...
-
Wendy!
-
Mom!
-
Woody!
-
Look at the TV, guys.
-
You horrible little children!
-
Eternity's a big commitment.
You know, it's a long time.
-
You gotta take things one step
at a time. That's the key.
-
You do love her, don't you?
-
Yeah, I guess I do.
I don't know.
-
What's the problem then?
-
She's a ghost!
-
She's dead. I'm alive.
-
How do you know all this?
-
I'm married to one.
-
Won't you join us...
for a drink?
-
Yeah, I could use a drink.
Yeah, sure.
-
Oh, dear Lord.
-
I do beseech thee
to help me in this...
-
my hour of need.
-
Oh, cleanse me of these
impure thoughts I have...
-
for this woman... Miranda.
-
Come on!
-
Oh, Lord!
-
I get the message!
-
Brother Tony.
-
Brother Tony,
are you all right?
-
Brother Tony,
what are you doing in the pool?
-
The Lord works
in mysterious ways.
-
True love can move mountains.
-
Yeah, but it can't
bring the dead back to life.
-
Yes, it can,
on All Hallows' Eve.
-
Halloween.
That's tomorrow night.
-
When the spirit moves,
and the flesh is willing...
-
and the juices flow,
and the skelping is mighty.
-
What's skelping?
-
It's a ghost term.
-
But it's dangerous.
-
You mustn't go too far.
-
What do you mean?
-
- Oh, it's you!
- Whom were you expecting?
-
Plunkett, those fake ghosts
were one thing...
-
This is entirely different,
isn't it?
-
Is there something wrong
with your room?
-
Something wrong with my room?
-
What are you talking
about, ghosts?
-
- The brochure...
- Damn the brochure!
-
We're talking
real, live spirits here!
-
- How can you explain this?
- The weather.
-
Oh, come off it, will you?
-
Don't you understand?
He wants us here.
-
He knows it's the only way
he can keep this dump.
-
I don't know about
the rest of you...
-
but, Plunkett,
you haven't fooled me at all.
-
I've been fooled.
-
- Me, too.
- I've been very fooled.
-
Explain this to me.
-
'"A ghost may not tup
with a human."
-
So this means a ghost cannot
make love with a human being.
-
Oh, my God!
-
Who's Mary?
-
Who's this Mary?
-
She's a woman.
She's a ghost.
-
Don't start
this ghost stuff again.
-
- She's someone I care about.
- What?
-
It's funny how you can care.
I think I'm falling...
-
Jack, don't stand there
and tell me...
-
that you're having an affair
with a goddamn ghost.
-
Well, I am!
-
That's it.
Your lawyer, my lawyer...
-
and I hope the ghost
has a lawyer...
-
because I want to meet him.
-
Here she is!
This is Mary.
-
- No, Martin!
- Mary the ghost.
-
So you wee harlot!
-
No, Martin!
-
That's Martin the ghost!
-
That's the man
that was in my bathtub!
-
See, he's gonna come over here
and throw her on the bed.
-
- He's gigantic.
- That's Martin the ghost.
-
They're having problems
in their relationship.
-
No, Jack, we're having problems
in our relationship.
-
- Come here!
- Honey...
-
You gotta see this.
Come on.
-
He's gonna run after her
and throw her against the wall.
-
There's no one!
-
Oh, yes, there is.
My husband!
-
Now he throws her over there.
This is the bad part here.
-
- Martin, there's no one!
- Why don't I believe ya?
-
- Please, don't!
- Honey.
-
- You can't just kick a ghost.
- Did you see that?
-
Now look what you did.
-
Wait, Mary!
-
I love you.
-
I know that.
-
You do?
-
When did you know that?
-
The minute I saw ya.
-
The minute I knew I loved you...
-
but your love must be true.
-
It is.
-
It must withstand all obstacles.
-
It will.
-
Oh, Mary, my darlin'.
What have I done to ya?
-
What have I done?
-
That was a dirty trick,
wasn't it?
-
Hey?
-
Kicking me
right in the bahoggies.
-
But you were gonna stab your
wife with a sword, you pig.
-
Shoot, that's no big thing.
I do it every night.
-
And I suppose watching
other men's wives...
-
in the bathtub
is no big deal, either.
-
I'm sure it's a grand thing
if the wife happens to be you.
-
You dirty peeping tom.
-
Me name is not Thomas.
It's Martin.
-
Oh, Mary.
I'm sorry, darlin'.
-
What have I done to ya?
-
Oh, God.
-
Here, give us
a wee scub before...
-
No, not again.
-
You're a wily vixen,
aren't ya?
-
Oh, Lord, what have I done?
-
Oh, God, what have I done?
-
Oh, God, what a woman.
-
You're not so bad yourself.
-
What's skelping?
-
Skelping.
-
This is skelping.
-
That's nasty.
-
It wasn't nice?
-
It was nice.
-
It was very, very nice.
-
Hold on, Mary.
Wait a minute.
-
You can't just skelp me
and leave me.
-
Can't help it.
-
Skelping takes
a lot out of you.
-
Look, Mary, l...
-
I'll be in the chamber
midnight tomorrow.
-
So what's wrong
with the Americans?
-
What's wrong
with these Americans?
-
One night
they're desperate to leave...
-
the next night
you can't get rid of them.
-
One day they hate the whiting...
-
the next day, they have
to have all five courses.
-
When you break your back...
-
to give them the ghosts
you thought they wanted...
-
they scream at you, and when
you throw the towel in...
-
they scream even louder.
-
They see spooks everywhere...
-
spooks in the bathroom,
spooks under the bed.
-
Don't they know
when the joke is over?
-
They cower well enough.
-
What is going on here?
-
Eamon, why are chunks
of masonry floating about?
-
Mr. Plunkett...
-
I think there's some people
want to have a word with you.
-
Who?
-
Grand Uncle Peter.
Grand Aunt Nan.
-
Granny Joyce and her sister.
-
Her half-sister.
-
Not to mention...
-
your daddy.
-
But he's dead!
-
I know.
-
He looks terrible angry, too.
-
I have a perfect right to be...
-
considering what you have done
to our ancestral home.
-
Father!
-
Let us in!
-
Do you really think
you could get away from me?
-
Leave me alone.
You're dead.
-
Not so dead I can't see
what a numbskull you are.
-
Oh, fine!
-
Call me names!
-
That's so easy.
-
Well, for God's sake,
look at you.
-
What did you ever
give me this place for?
-
You knew I was an incompetent.
-
All I wanted to be
was happily useless.
-
You made me miserably useless
giving me this place...
-
baths to run,
bills to be paid...
-
and then dying on me
just like that!
-
Most people
give some warning, you know...
-
premature senility,
angina, gout...
-
bed-ridden for years...
but not you, oh, no.
-
Healthy as an old goat, you pop
off one day in the orchard...
-
and what then?
-
Not a goddamn word,
not a whisper.
-
Did it never occur to you
that I might need some advice?
-
That I might miss you?
-
Peter, I never thought...
-
It's true... you old goat.
-
I missed you, Daddy.
-
Give your daddy a hug.
-
Sorry, Peter.
-
They will be back tonight.
-
It is All Hallows' Eve.
-
If you see anything,
just ignore it completely.
-
Just pretend
that it didn't happen.
-
Have you got that?
-
I don't hear anything, do you?
-
Don't you just love whiting?
-
Madam.
-
For you I missed my wedding
for the first time in years...
-
that's how much I want you.
-
And sure, I know I'm a ghost...
-
and a murderer,
but forget about all that.
-
Listen.
Tonight's All Hallows' Eve...
-
the one night in the year
that I turn to flesh...
-
so what do you say
to a wee bit of skelping?
-
Come on.
-
At least tell me your name.
-
Lady, I've got
the best bahoggies...
-
from here to Ballinderry.
-
Come on. What do you say?
Let's give it a twirl.
-
Drop dead.
-
Oh, God. What a woman.
-
'"He who tups with the spirit
finds only the grave...
-
'"but the virtuous heart
true love will save."
-
'"He who tups with the spirt
finds only the grave...
-
'"but the virtuous heart
true love will save."
-
Some whiskey over here, please.
-
Aye, the whiskey.
-
Relax, everybody.
-
Take it easy.
-
They won't come into a bar,
would they?
-
They don't drink whiskey.
-
- Who?
- Spirits.
-
- How the hell would I know?
- The Irish ones do.
-
- He says the Irish ones do.
- Don't.
-
Do they or don't they?
You don't shaggin' know, do you?
-
It may be no more
than a local disturbance
-
in the extraplaner ether.
-
Ether, me bollocks.
-
A supernatural belch,
you know what I'm talking about?
-
Hey! Drinks all around!
-
- What's that?
- It's none of it! No!
-
Where's your ectoplasm now?
-
Did you...
-
It took the hurricane.
-
What in the name of God is that?
-
Dad, it's a submarine!
-
Well, what's that
shaggin' thing on top of it?
-
It's a giant squid!
-
Get off me!
-
Yea, though I walk
through the valley of death...
-
I shall fear no evil
for thou art with me.
-
Mom!
-
Thy rod and thy staff
they will comfort me!
-
Save the child!
-
Heave!
-
Mom!
-
Heave!
-
Tug and heave!
-
- Heave!
- Let's get him!
-
Mom!
-
Look!
-
She's movin' on.
-
She's movin' on
-
Thank goodness.
-
It's a bloody good thing
we ignored it, huh?
-
Hello.
-
Hello.
-
Oh, God, you're real.
-
Having fun?
-
It's gotten totally
out of control here.
-
I'm afraid I've been
with my family.
-
Is the roof leaking?
-
You have no idea
what it was like here.
-
Did we just tup?
-
No, but it's not too far off.
-
Right.
-
Hey, how about some champagne?
-
A little champagne to get our
mind off the old you-know-what.
-
All right?
-
I usually mess this up.
-
Drink to me, only,
with thine eyes...
-
and I will pledge with mine;
-
or leave a kiss
within the cup...
-
and I'll not ask for wine.
-
That was so beautiful.
Who wrote it?
-
Ben Johnson.
-
Ben Johnson.
-
You know, whenever I hear
Ben's material...
-
it just makes me think
about you-know-what.
-
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
-
- Quote me something.
- Quote?
-
Anything to keep
our minds off...
-
You-know-what.
Right, a quote.
-
There ain't nothin' in the world
like a big-eyed girl...
-
to make me act so funny,
make me spend my money.
-
Makes me feel real loose,
like a long-necked goose.
-
Oh, baby, that's what I like.
-
That's so...
-
Who wrote that?
-
The Big Bopper.
-
Maybe you know him.
He's dead, too.
-
Are you sure they're gone?
-
- Everyone, stay behind me.
- Stay behind him.
-
I have to check this place out.
-
Every inch of it...
castle, grounds.
-
- It's kind of scary...
- Quiet!
-
The Plunkett ancestors...
-
- Check outside.
- They're rather unapproachable.
-
Sir Jack, I'm in me cups.
-
No, it's nothing.
-
I'm really drunk.
-
- No, we mustn't.
- Right.
-
We should just be friends.
-
Go!
-
Halt!
-
Go!
-
How beautiful the night looks.
-
I'm having the time of my life.
-
Isn't it beautiful?
-
Not as beautiful as you.
-
Will ya hold on.
-
Listen to the paracyclist!
-
I formally declare this
a spirit-free zone!
-
If you ever go
across the sea to Ireland
-
Then maybe at
the closing of the day
-
Oh, God.
-
I'm not tupping.
-
I'm not tupping, right?
-
This is somewhere...
-
between a skelp
and a tup, right?
-
The women in the meadow
making hay
-
Just to sit beside
a turf fire in the cabin
-
And watch the sun
go down on Galway Bay
-
On Galway...
-
Holy God,
that's my shaggin' bus!
-
It shouldn't be happenin'.
-
Somebody's brought it here.
-
Where's Jack?
-
No, Jack.
-
- OK.
- Stop.
-
We mustn't.
-
- We can't!
- We can't.
-
- It's not right.
- I know.
-
Oh, that's nice.
-
Yeah... I mean...
-
- No, stop!
- All right.
-
Don't listen to me, Jack.
Go on.
-
Sharon, I love thee!
-
And tonight's the holy night!
-
Oh, Sharon, I love thee!
-
No, Jack!
Remember our promise?
-
We can't.
-
A little to the right.
-
- There?
- That's good.
-
You for me.
-
Come here, me lovely dearie.
Come here to me!
-
Where are ya?
-
Sharon, wait!
-
- I love you, Jack.
- I love you, Mary.
-
Actually, you look
very like my mother.
-
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
-
Oh, Lord, please save
this beautiful creature...
-
from these demons.
-
If a life must be taken,
take mine.
-
Oh, yea, though I walk...
-
through the valley
of the shadow of death.
-
Brother Tony!
-
Where are you going,
Brother Tony?
-
I shall fear no evil
for thou art with me!
-
My God, Jack.
We shouldn't have.
-
Mary, that was something.
-
Where are you?
-
Sharon, this isn't
a joke anymore.
-
Saint Hocks McGorrick, wait!
-
Mary, what's happened?
-
It's the powers, Jack.
I'm 200 years old.
-
He who tups with a spirit,
tups with the grave.
-
What do you mean?
-
Help me!
-
Jack, just tell me you love me.
Make it all right.
-
But you're not Mary.
You're a corpse.
-
Now, don't do this to me,
darlin'.
-
Get away from me.
-
Help!
-
Oh, bollocks!
-
Holy Jesus!
-
- Hi, Marty.
- Where's the wife?
-
Not mine, ya dolt.
Yours.
-
I'm being followed
by a U.F. O!
-
You can't get so excited.
-
You think I don't know
what's going on?
-
- Excited? A bus...
- Come here, me lovely!
-
Hey there, Mary.
-
We were just playin' around,
darlin', you know?
-
You threw me over for this?
-
I mean, I knew you liked
passive women, Jack...
-
but she's half-dead.
-
I hope she has a great
personality, because this hurts.
-
At least she said she loved me.
-
That's a lot more
than you ever did.
-
I love you, Jack. I do.
-
Ya wee harlot, I'll kill ya.
-
She's looks dead enough already.
Please, don't start that.
-
Oh, Jack.
Your wife's some woman.
-
So's yours.
-
So was yours.
-
Where are you going?
-
I was just kidding.
-
You were made for each other.
-
You look great.
You really do.
-
Bye, Mary.
-
Sorry for the last 200 years,
darlin'.
-
Jack, you said
you'd love me forever.
-
I know.
-
Mary, I just...
-
You were so different then.
-
Only on the outside, Jack.
-
Inside I'm the same.
-
Yeah, I know.
I know looks aren't everything.
-
I'm in here, Jack.
-
It's just that they
can help so much when you...
-
- Kiss me.
- Kiss you?
-
Maybe we should get
some moisturizer.
-
- Kiss me, Jack.
- Or some medical supervision.
-
One last time.
-
Please, Jack.
-
Stop, let me catch my breath.
-
Martin, where are you?
-
Martin, wait!
-
Don't go!
-
How the hell
did you get up there?
-
No, don't go, Martin!
No, wait!
-
I'm in here, love!
-
Martin, where are you?
-
Oh, Sharon,
you do love me, don't ya?
-
You do love me, Sir Jack.
-
Then look at me.
-
Well, then, be with me forever.
-
Any way you want it.
-
Oh, my God.
-
What have I done?
-
You weren't meant for this.
-
I didn't want this to happen.
-
Oh, God.
-
Forever, Jack.
-
You're alive.
-
Aye.
-
What do you mean I'm dead?
-
Now, take my word for it.
-
You're just saying that...
-
so you can have
your wicked way with me.
-
If you weren't dead
I wouldn't be able...
-
to have my way with you.
-
This is ridiculous.
-
You can't hide from me.
-
I've got to find you.
-
That's right!
-
You can't fool me.
-
They're gone.
-
- Here, file that.
- Malcolm, they're gone.
-
They're not gone.
-
Brother Tony,
you forgot your collar.
-
No, he didn't.
He threw it away.
-
Didn't you, baby?
-
I'm only human.
-
Here we are.
-
Mr. Plunkett, single-handedly
the worst vacation...
-
that I've ever experienced
in my life.
-
Thank you, Mr. Clay.
-
However, I'll be recommending
Castle Plunkett...
-
as the most haunted castle
in the Western Hemisphere.
-
I hope that helps you
with your business.
-
- Too kind.
- I second that.
-
Most gracious.
-
- Bye.
- See ya.
-
They're gone, dear.
-
Come on in. I'll make you
a nice fish sandwich.
-
I cannot thank you enough,
Sir Jack, for deciding to stay.
-
Hey, where am I gonna go, right?
-
Listen, Mary.
-
When are you gonna
stop calling me "Sir"?
-
Sorry, I can't help it.
-
Maybe when you
decide to marry me.
-
Are you asking?
-
My wife's hardly dead, and it
was such a horrible death.
-
Maybe we could wait
a couple of centuries.
-
We booked the hall till 12:00.
How about a little privacy?
-
The day is for the living, Jack.
-
The night is for the dead.
-
How's the corpse?
-
Pretty good.
How's the psycho?
-
A pussycat.
-
So was the trip worth it, Jack?
-
Yeah. She thinks I'm brilliant.
-
Mary, you've put on a wee bit
of flesh since I last saw ya.
-
I'm not gettin' stabbed
every night, Martin.
-
Mary, it hurt me
more than it hurt you.
-
Go on now with it.
-
So how's the Yank?
-
He takes me shoppin'.
-
Come here to me.
-
My love.
My reason for dying.
-
How'd she ever learn
to dance like that?
-
Happiness, Sir Jack.
-
Yeah, happiness.