D.J. Demers Stand-Up 12/01/14 - CONAN on TBS

Gonna level with you guys,
I'm gonna keep it real here...

I, uh, wear hearing aids.
In both ears.

Not exactly street legal.
Keep that on the DL.

- [Audience laughs]
- That doesn't mean anything.

[Audience laughs]

I do wear hearing aids,
but I don't want any pity.

No sympathy.

I love my hearing aids.
In fact, you guys should be jealous

'cause I take my hearing aids
out to sleep, I sleep like a baby.

Oh, man. I don't hear a thing.

I wake up feeling so refreshed.
It's amazing.

It really makes you wonder
who has the disability.

It does.
It really does.

No, it's me.
I have the disability for sure.

- [Audience laughs]
- Absolutely. This guy.

Since I take my hearing aids out to sleep,

I don't use the same
alarm clock you guys use.

I use a vibrating alarm clock.
I put it under my pillow

and it vibrates
so powerfully...it's amazing.

It's a life saver.
I love it.

But it's also terrifying.

So scary.

Because all my dreams
end in an earthquake.

[Audience laughs]

And my hearing aids aren't waterproof,
which is ridiculous,

so I have to take them
out when I'm taking a shower,

or when I go swimming.

So, you know,
pool parties are a nightmare.

I'm not very good at the game Marco Polo.

That's not my game.

Not a whole lot of "polo" happening
when I'm playing that game.

- Lots of Marco, but uh...
- [Audience laughs]

When I first started doing comedy

I didn't even want to do any jokes
about my hearing aids.

I didn't want to be the "hearing aid" guy.

I was watching this interview
with a really famous comedian.

And he talked about how he became famous,
for doing a certain type of joke.

And when he tried to do other stuff,
people didn't want to hear it.

'Cause they pigeonholed him.

And as soon as I heard that
I was just like, "You know what?"

I'm not doing any jokes
about my hearing aids.

Ain't nobody putting
this guy in a box.

That's what I said,
and I meant it.

And then a couple minutes later

In the same interview, he talked
about how he made

20 million dollars last year.

That changed my perspective
quite a bit.

I remember when I heard
that part, I screamed so loud

my hearing aids broke.

'Cause I wear hearing aids.
I have a disability.

[Audience laughs and applauds]

I'm the hearing aid guy.
I assume you guys are laughing.

I can't hear.
I'm really deaf.

Anyways, guys, I wear hearing aids.

And, come on, that 20
million dollars,

are you kidding me?

I'm not leaving that kind
of money on the table.

Honestly, for $20 million

I'd go full Helen Keller.
Full Helen Keller.

[Audience laughing]

I'm after that Helen Keller
money, baby.

Oh man, could you imagine?
Full Helen Keller? 20 mil?

Oh man, I'd buy myself a yacht.

I'd be out on the open water,
just taking in all the beautiful smells.

What a dream.

Me and my partner
broke up recently.

And, uh--

(silence)

Ooh, it got really quiet in here.

[Audience laughs]

Or did it?
No, I heard that. It did.

I wear hearing aids, yeah,
in both ears.

I know why it got quiet.

It got quiet because
I said "partner", right?

And as soon as
somebody says partner,

and you don't know them well,

You can't even focus
on the rest of the conversation.

You're just trying to solve
the mystery.

Hmm, "partner", huh?

I don't care
either way, man.

I just need to know!

You're all looking at me,
trying to crack the case right now.

Well, he's kinda got that lisp.

But that could be
the hearing impairment.

I don't know...

what you could attribute that to.

No, me and my girlfriend broke up,
to clear up that mystery.

- 'Cause I realized I was gay.
- [Audience laughs]

Thank you very much, guys!
I'm the Hearing Aids Guy!