Gonna level with you guys, I'm gonna keep it real here...
I, uh, wear hearing aids. In both ears.
Not exactly street legal. Keep that on the DL.
- [Audience laughs] - That doesn't mean anything.
[Audience laughs]
I do wear hearing aids, but I don't want any pity.
No sympathy.
I love my hearing aids. In fact, you guys should be jealous
'cause I take my hearing aids out to sleep, I sleep like a baby.
Oh, man. I don't hear a thing.
I wake up feeling so refreshed. It's amazing.
It really makes you wonder who has the disability.
It does. It really does.
No, it's me. I have the disability for sure.
- [Audience laughs] - Absolutely. This guy.
Since I take my hearing aids out to sleep,
I don't use the same alarm clock you guys use.
I use a vibrating alarm clock. I put it under my pillow
and it vibrates so powerfully...it's amazing.
It's a life saver. I love it.
But it's also terrifying.
So scary.
Because all my dreams end in an earthquake.
[Audience laughs]
And my hearing aids aren't waterproof, which is ridiculous,
so I have to take them out when I'm taking a shower,
or when I go swimming.
So, you know, pool parties are a nightmare.
I'm not very good at the game Marco Polo.
That's not my game.
Not a whole lot of "polo" happening when I'm playing that game.
- Lots of Marco, but uh... - [Audience laughs]
When I first started doing comedy
I didn't even want to do any jokes about my hearing aids.
I didn't want to be the "hearing aid" guy.
I was watching this interview with a really famous comedian.
And he talked about how he became famous, for doing a certain type of joke.
And when he tried to do other stuff, people didn't want to hear it.
'Cause they pigeonholed him.
And as soon as I heard that I was just like, "You know what?"
I'm not doing any jokes about my hearing aids.
Ain't nobody putting this guy in a box.
That's what I said, and I meant it.
And then a couple minutes later
In the same interview, he talked about how he made
20 million dollars last year.
That changed my perspective quite a bit.
I remember when I heard that part, I screamed so loud
my hearing aids broke.
'Cause I wear hearing aids. I have a disability.
[Audience laughs and applauds]
I'm the hearing aid guy. I assume you guys are laughing.
I can't hear. I'm really deaf.
Anyways, guys, I wear hearing aids.
And, come on, that 20 million dollars,
are you kidding me?
I'm not leaving that kind of money on the table.
Honestly, for $20 million
I'd go full Helen Keller. Full Helen Keller.
[Audience laughing]
I'm after that Helen Keller money, baby.
Oh man, could you imagine? Full Helen Keller? 20 mil?
Oh man, I'd buy myself a yacht.
I'd be out on the open water, just taking in all the beautiful smells.
What a dream.
Me and my partner broke up recently.
And, uh--
(silence)
Ooh, it got really quiet in here.
[Audience laughs]
Or did it? No, I heard that. It did.
I wear hearing aids, yeah, in both ears.
I know why it got quiet.
It got quiet because I said "partner", right?
And as soon as somebody says partner,
and you don't know them well,
You can't even focus on the rest of the conversation.
You're just trying to solve the mystery.
Hmm, "partner", huh?
I don't care either way, man.
I just need to know!
You're all looking at me, trying to crack the case right now.
Well, he's kinda got that lisp.
But that could be the hearing impairment.
I don't know...
what you could attribute that to.
No, me and my girlfriend broke up, to clear up that mystery.
- 'Cause I realized I was gay. - [Audience laughs]
Thank you very much, guys! I'm the Hearing Aids Guy!