WEBVTT 00:00:02.098 --> 00:00:04.588 Gonna level with you guys, I'm gonna keep it real here... 00:00:04.588 --> 00:00:06.965 I, uh, wear hearing aids. In both ears. 00:00:07.205 --> 00:00:09.558 Not exactly street legal. Keep that on the DL. 00:00:09.558 --> 00:00:12.329 - [Audience laughs] - That doesn't mean anything. 00:00:12.529 --> 00:00:14.190 [Audience laughs] 00:00:14.190 --> 00:00:16.300 I do wear hearing aids, but I don't want any pity. 00:00:16.300 --> 00:00:17.360 No sympathy. 00:00:17.410 --> 00:00:20.151 I love my hearing aids. In fact, you guys should be jealous 00:00:20.151 --> 00:00:24.165 'cause I take my hearing aids out to sleep, I sleep like a baby. 00:00:24.165 --> 00:00:25.753 Oh, man. I don't hear a thing. 00:00:25.753 --> 00:00:28.411 I wake up feeling so refreshed. It's amazing. 00:00:28.411 --> 00:00:30.932 It really makes you wonder who has the disability. 00:00:30.942 --> 00:00:32.873 It does. It really does. 00:00:33.923 --> 00:00:36.038 No, it's me. I have the disability for sure. 00:00:36.038 --> 00:00:38.643 - [Audience laughs] - Absolutely. This guy. 00:00:41.719 --> 00:00:43.370 Since I take my hearing aids out to sleep, NOTE Paragraph 00:00:43.370 --> 00:00:45.251 I don't use the same alarm clock you guys use. 00:00:45.251 --> 00:00:48.258 I use a vibrating alarm clock. I put it under my pillow 00:00:48.478 --> 00:00:50.911 and it vibrates so powerfully...it's amazing. 00:00:50.911 --> 00:00:52.629 It's a life saver. I love it. 00:00:52.629 --> 00:00:54.197 But it's also terrifying. 00:00:54.737 --> 00:00:56.095 So scary. 00:00:56.255 --> 00:00:58.333 Because all my dreams end in an earthquake. 00:00:58.333 --> 00:01:01.641 [Audience laughs] 00:01:03.601 --> 00:01:06.349 And my hearing aids aren't waterproof, which is ridiculous, 00:01:06.349 --> 00:01:08.453 so I have to take them out when I'm taking a shower, 00:01:08.453 --> 00:01:09.737 or when I go swimming. 00:01:09.737 --> 00:01:11.883 So, you know, pool parties are a nightmare. 00:01:12.343 --> 00:01:14.360 I'm not very good at the game Marco Polo. 00:01:16.740 --> 00:01:17.972 That's not my game. 00:01:18.992 --> 00:01:22.098 Not a whole lot of "polo" happening when I'm playing that game. 00:01:22.648 --> 00:01:26.179 - Lots of Marco, but uh... - [Audience laughs] NOTE Paragraph 00:01:26.599 --> 00:01:28.101 When I first started doing comedy 00:01:28.101 --> 00:01:30.363 I didn't even want to do any jokes about my hearing aids. 00:01:30.363 --> 00:01:32.559 I didn't want to be the "hearing aid" guy. 00:01:32.559 --> 00:01:35.562 I was watching this interview with a really famous comedian. 00:01:35.692 --> 00:01:39.467 And he talked about how he became famous, for doing a certain type of joke. 00:01:39.467 --> 00:01:42.013 And when he tried to do other stuff, people didn't want to hear it. 00:01:42.013 --> 00:01:43.214 'Cause they pigeonholed him. 00:01:43.214 --> 00:01:45.099 And as soon as I heard that I was just like, "You know what?" 00:01:45.099 --> 00:01:47.307 I'm not doing any jokes about my hearing aids. 00:01:47.307 --> 00:01:49.241 Ain't nobody putting this guy in a box. 00:01:49.521 --> 00:01:51.530 That's what I said, and I meant it. 00:01:52.030 --> 00:01:53.794 And then a couple minutes later 00:01:53.794 --> 00:01:56.159 In the same interview, he talked about how he made 00:01:56.159 --> 00:01:58.485 20 million dollars last year. 00:02:01.875 --> 00:02:03.897 That changed my perspective quite a bit. 00:02:05.297 --> 00:02:07.845 I remember when I heard that part, I screamed so loud 00:02:07.845 --> 00:02:09.230 my hearing aids broke. 00:02:10.220 --> 00:02:13.001 'Cause I wear hearing aids. I have a disability. 00:02:13.001 --> 00:02:18.462 [Audience laughs and applauds] 00:02:18.762 --> 00:02:22.634 I'm the hearing aid guy. I assume you guys are laughing. 00:02:22.634 --> 00:02:24.221 I can't hear. I'm really deaf. 00:02:27.781 --> 00:02:29.810 Anyways, guys, I wear hearing aids. 00:02:29.810 --> 00:02:33.602 And, come on, that 20 million dollars, 00:02:33.602 --> 00:02:35.151 are you kidding me? 00:02:35.241 --> 00:02:37.468 I'm not leaving that kind of money on the table. 00:02:37.468 --> 00:02:38.698 Honestly, for $20 million 00:02:38.698 --> 00:02:41.041 I'd go full Helen Keller. Full Helen Keller. 00:02:41.041 --> 00:02:47.824 [Audience laughing] 00:02:49.314 --> 00:02:51.418 I'm after that Helen Keller money, baby. 00:02:51.898 --> 00:02:55.055 Oh man, could you imagine? Full Helen Keller? 20 mil? 00:02:55.215 --> 00:02:57.262 Oh man, I'd buy myself a yacht. 00:02:57.672 --> 00:03:00.962 I'd be out on the open water, just taking in all the beautiful smells. 00:03:01.302 --> 00:03:02.362 What a dream. 00:03:06.992 --> 00:03:09.755 Me and my partner broke up recently. 00:03:09.885 --> 00:03:10.907 And, uh-- 00:03:10.907 --> 00:03:12.062 (silence) 00:03:12.062 --> 00:03:13.799 Ooh, it got really quiet in here. 00:03:13.799 --> 00:03:15.366 [Audience laughs] 00:03:15.406 --> 00:03:17.693 Or did it? No, I heard that. It did. 00:03:18.168 --> 00:03:21.765 I wear hearing aids, yeah, in both ears. 00:03:23.685 --> 00:03:24.891 I know why it got quiet. 00:03:24.891 --> 00:03:27.063 It got quiet because I said "partner", right? 00:03:27.453 --> 00:03:30.164 And as soon as somebody says partner, 00:03:30.544 --> 00:03:32.004 and you don't know them well, 00:03:32.114 --> 00:03:34.593 You can't even focus on the rest of the conversation. 00:03:34.593 --> 00:03:37.512 You're just trying to solve the mystery. 00:03:37.762 --> 00:03:40.082 Hmm, "partner", huh? 00:03:41.312 --> 00:03:42.662 I don't care either way, man. 00:03:42.662 --> 00:03:43.873 I just need to know! 00:03:45.693 --> 00:03:48.586 You're all looking at me, trying to crack the case right now. 00:03:51.266 --> 00:03:52.612 Well, he's kinda got that lisp. 00:03:52.612 --> 00:03:54.279 But that could be the hearing impairment. 00:03:54.279 --> 00:03:55.573 I don't know... 00:03:56.883 --> 00:03:58.497 what you could attribute that to. 00:04:02.417 --> 00:04:05.411 No, me and my girlfriend broke up, to clear up that mystery. 00:04:06.921 --> 00:04:10.982 - 'Cause I realized I was gay. - [Audience laughs] 00:04:10.982 --> 00:04:12.992 Thank you very much, guys! I'm the Hearing Aids Guy!