If I Demetri Martin Standup Comedy]

(Intro music)

Yeah

A lot of things happened in the past

then i was born

then i went to Texas

to show. (Ho!)

Now I'd like to tell you
a little bit about me

I grew up in Central New Jersey.

I had a childhood too.

I liked skateboarding.
I found it relaxing and fun!

(That's true!)

Then i did some jobs for money.

They were not as fun as the skateboarding.
(No!)

Now I do live comedy shows
(Can you handle that?)

Sometimes on T.V. (Like right now!)

Get ready to have your ass blown off by me

With subtle...subtle (Low energy)
Comedy. (Low energy, Ho!)

(Crowd cheers) (Hey!)

Thank you.

Thank you audience. Thanks.

Thanks for being here for my special.

Those are the best claps I'm going to get
so I'm going to end on that.

Oh okay, they're saying I should do more,
alright.

I saw a friend of mine I hadn't seen in a
while and I went in to shake his hand,

I went in for the handshake.

When I went to shake his hand,
he squeezed just the fingers part

he cut me off

Making me give him a wussy handshake.

But I thought, like, quickly and
I just went with it, I just went..

"Charmed."

You cut me off, I'll curtsy on your ass.

I hate when I go in for a handshake

and I'm coming in traditional.
I'm showing you my hand

and then the person comes back here
with like, the fist thing

Then i gotta scramble, like,
upgrade, oh we're doing the fist, OK.

Because yours is newer
I gotta do your thing

So I don't do it I just go like

Paper covers rock bitch.

Best of one!

When I thought about, I like rock paper
scissors two-thirds. You know what I mean?

Rock breaks scissors. These scissors are bent.
They're destroyed.

I can't cut stuff so i lose.

Scissors cuts paper. They're just strips

This is not even paper, this going to take
me forever to put together. You got me

Paper covers rock. Rock is fine!
No stuctural damage to rock

Rock can break through paper
at any point. Just say the word

Paper sucks.

It should be rock, dynamite
with a cutable wick, scissors.

I like to stand there at the ATM machine
when somebody types in their PIN number

I go, "Got it!" And then I run away.

And staying in hotels because you
can leave a message for somebody

and you don't even need to know their name

Just like a room number, you know.

Hey can I get a pen-I just want to leave a
my friends in 710, yeah thanks.

"Leprechauns are gonna fuck
you up at midnight."

"Honey what the hell is this?
Did you anger a small Irishman?"

When I'm drinking I like to have a straw.
You know what I mean.

The straw enables you to drink without
using your wrist

The straw is your friend.

If you lose eye contact with the straw...

Then he'll betray you and make you look
like an idiot.

I just act like I'm surprised at something
like, cover it up you know.

My God!

That's what you had for breakfast?!
(mouths "WOW!")

Then I gotta pull the straw to the side
"The hell do you think you're doing?"

"The last time I checked you were right
by my mouth!"

"What the hell are you doing
on the other side of the glass?"

"I don't need you, you're a luxery."

The ice is even worse!

I get to the bottom of the glass, just me
and the ice. OK.

Just one of you, I want something to chew on.
Come on.

And the ice is like"Hold!"
"Brothers hold! Everybody strike! Now!"

Jeez!

I wonder how good this spotlight works...

Pretty good.

The easiest time to add insult to injury
is when you're signing somebody's cast.

"You're a dick."

"You deserve this."

"Also I'm sorry I broke your leg."

"Jerk."

I wonder what's the smallest garbage can
I can put on the curb outside my house.

And have them empty it and put it back.

"I hate this guy. I hate this guy. Freakin
tiny gar- four really?

Four tiny garbage cans
are you kidding me?"

"He chained them up man come on!"

Then on time I would leave a tiny sweater.
Next to the cans.

So when the garbage man come up he's like
"Wait a minute!"

"This guys not a jerk, we have a tiny
resident living here!"

"This is appropriately sized, never mind."

"Regular sized house though, he's doing
very well for himself."

I was sitting in a bench in New York and
I was trying to work

I was sitting there, I was writing in my
note book and I suddenly heard...

(Kissing noises) So I looked up and
I was like "Huh?"

And there was a guy standing four feet
from me just going (kissing noises)

To a squirrel that was three feet from me.
So I looked at the squirrel and

he wasn't looking up. I realized
"Ah man are you kidding me?"

"I'm less focused on squirrels?"

I'm working and i hear (kissing noise)
"Huh what's that? Is it kissing?"

Aimed at the squirrel. He's like
come on man, really?

Nice try, stupid. I got an acorn.

I saw a sign on this door, it said
"Exit Only"

So I entered it and I went up to the
guy working there and i was like,

"I have some good news.""You have severely
underestimated this door over here."

"By like 100% man."

I hate heavy doors!
I hate when there's a heavy door because

there should be a sign on it.

A sign that says, "Warning! You're going
to look weak right Now!"

Damn it.

Why didn't you tell me man? I'm walking
with a girl here

I don't want to struggle to
get into the bar!

So now I treat every door like it's heavy.
Because I don't want to get burned again.

The problem is, every door isn't heavy.

So I'm like slamming doors.

I don't want to slam a door and not
have an emotion to go with the activity

That look crazy.

So what happens when I go into a
convenience store and i'm just like

BAM! I need some gum NOW!

I don't have time to mess around man,
I've got some bad breath.

Why is your door so light?
That looks delicious.

I want to make a revolving door that says
pull on it.

Just see how obedient people are
You know?

They're like, "Oh it's one of these,
I'm sorry, excuse me."

"It's the door, not me."

"Thank you."

So this is a large pad. On this pad,
I have data from the last year.

These are findings. So I'd like to
get into that.

OK. I'm going to start with a simple
chart. OK this is pretty simple

This is 'how short the person is'
vs. 'how drunk the person is'

And this line is how funny it is.

You see the shorter and more drunk the
person is, the funnier it is.

This up here would be a midget or
a small child who's very drunk.

Here this guys like 6 foot and he's just
like buzzed. And it's like (shrug noise)

But here we have a dwarf about to take a
dive off a chair

Can I get this man another shot,
maybe some whiskey in a thimble

OK. Break down of Hummer owners.

Tough guys come at 43% of the owners.
Pricks are 27%.

Douche bags are 17%, Now dildos are
almost 15%

and this is interesting because I never
had to pluralize dildo before..

I don't know if that sorta
looks like dildas

I hope I never have to again.
Like in a deposition or something.

How many dildos were there?

I don't know, but I'm
sore and I want to go home

How funny I find farts by location.

School is pretty funny, church is funnier,
my face isn't funny at all that's negative

My brothers face is off the charts though.

Scuba, I'm not sure.It depends,
if you can see the bubbles come

out of the wet suit.

That's pretty funny because HAHA
we have a man punishing fishermen

in the distance. Very nice.

Actually it's probably funnier if you
can't see the bubbles come out.

Cuz then you see a guy swimming then
all of the sudden he just starts to

Struggle in his own air supply. "Must
stop farting into own nostrils."

"Never tacos before scuba!"

Flow chart of clowns.Circus, annoying.
Birthday clowns, sad.

One that's just around, is creepy.
But if any of them get hurt, it's funny.

There's a saying that goes 'People who
live in glass houses shouldn't throw

stones'

OK. How about, nobody should throw stones.

That's crappy behavior!

My policy is no stone throwing regardless
of housing situation.

Don't do it!

There is one exception though. If
you're trapped in a glass house...

And you have a stone, then throw it!

What are you an idiot?

So really, it's only people in glass
houses should throw stones.

Provided they are trapped. In a house.
with a stone.

It's a little longer but you know.

Pony tail locations. OK.

Pony's ass, OK. Back of my friend's dad's
head, not okay.

Mostly because of this area right here.
This isn't helping this.

That's not good.

This is the pie chart of procrastination.

Okay, this is very autobiographical
This is the cuteness of the girl

Versus how interested I am in hearing
about how intuitive her cat is.

You see, the cuter the girl is, the more
I'm willing to hear about the cat

Oh really yeah he's very intuitive.

But you'll notice at a certain point,
I don't care how cute you are.

I don't want to hear about your
fucking cat anymore.

I hate your cat.

When you leave the room, I try to get it.

This is my ability to draw
mountains over time.

I learned something on the road,
travelling around.

State shapes. The easier it is to draw the
shape of the state,

The harder it is to live in that state.

So if you live in a regular polygon. get
the hell out of there!

You've gotta move to a squiggly area

Culture is attracted to squiggles.

Those who see the glass half full are
considered optimists. Yeah

But shouldn't we be more specific about
the content of the glass?

If it's a glass of shit I'm going half
empty!

I don't like shit as an optimist, yeah,
it's a half empty shit glass right here.

Baby blood, that's even more complicated!

Is this blood going to a baby
or coming from a baby?

Because to a baby, yeah we gotta have a
full glass of baby blood here

don't worry about it. From a baby okay,
hold on. It's a half empty baby

blood glass, don't ask me why i collected
the blood in a glass it's just you know.

Finally, pillow fights. OK. Man versus
Woman, fun.

Man versus man, gay. Woman versus woman,
awesome. Man versus pillow, crazy.

Pillow versus pillow, crazy awesome.

That's a real pillow fight right there.

You see two pillows fighting, you know
somethings going down.

They're designed for relaxation. If
they're fighting, what hope do we have?

One time I saw geese fighting and I was
like This is a pillow fight ahead of time

(Music)

Whenever people talk about porcupines,

It's always about the needles.

Oh he's got needles, watch out.

Well, I wanna know other stuff.
Like:

Are they good swimmers?

How does a porcupine handle himself in the
water?

Are they social?
(Don't know)

What kind of habits do porcupines have?

And what would happen if I threw
marshmallows at one?

And then roasted it over a fire?

So a porcupine is not just needles.
You know?

They're also..
like...

Skewers.

Thank you.

A power nap is when you sleep on some one
who's weaker than you

I went whale watching once.
It was very similar

To watching people on a boat become
disappointed.

We did a lot of whale thinking about
that day.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home

If you can't tell the difference between a
spoon and a ladel,

then you're fat.

I want to put stickers on turtles.

I don't know why.

I just know I want to put them on them.

As the best kind of animal for advertising
your band and mother nature.

Now I got a time machine at home.

It only goes forward at regular speed.

It's essentially a cardboard box and on
the outside I wrote time machine

in sharpie

I love unnecessary bells.

How fast does a zebra have to run before
it looks grey?

Now I met many choco-holics but I ain't
never seen no choco-hol.

We got an epidemic people.

People who love chocolate and don't
understand the rules of word endings

They're probably over-work-aholed.

They call it fishing but they should call
it what it really is,

tricking and killing.

Fishing.

Hiking is just walking where it's OK to
pee.

Sometimes old people hike by mistake.

Now, if you're a chick magnet,

Be very careful about which direction you
face

Because you could become
a chick repellent

Yeah.

I want to commit a crime during a reinactment

turn it in to an actment.

Hot potato.. is a very different game
when the people playing are starving.

Then it's more like, my potato.

Burn fingertips and I don't give a damn,
free potato!

It's very easy to turn a toy into an
adult toy.

Location, location, location!

If I ever see an amputee being hanged,

I'll just yell out letters.

Yeah.

I used to get bummed out when it rained.

But then I realized..
That's God's way of washing off hippies.

Rain is short for
patchouli neutralizer

Sometimes, when you learn the meaning of a
term, it can be very disappointing.

When I was a kid, we were going to meet
one of my mom's friends once

and on the way, she described him to me as
a cat person.

We got there, and I was like "Wait a
minute. You just like cats?"

"That's a cat liker, man."

Cat person is a different story.

"Why does Steve never go into the pool?"
"Well he's a cat person." "Okay."

I think they should put pies on the fronts
of trains.

So when they hit something,
It's at least a little bit funny.

He's dead, but there's a cream pie right
in his face.

It's a little bit funny, Sergeant,
I had to admit.

I saw a transvestite wearing a shirt that
said "Guess."

I was walking down the street and this guy
waved to me.

Then he came up to me and said, "I'm
sorry, I thought you were some one else."

I said "I am."

I love birthdays. You get a cake for every
year that you're alive.

When I see a new baby I'm like
"Yes!"

"Please survive."

My chocolate!

Cake is the only food we can write on.
It's always so encouraging like...

"Happy birthday, Leo!"
"Congratulations Eric!"

I feel like we're missing out on an
opportunity.

I'm talking about negative cakes.

"Surprise! You're adopted!"

Just when you want cake