If I Demetri Martin Standup Comedy]

(Intro music)

Yeah

A lot of things happened in the past

then i was born

then i went to Texas

to show. (Ho!)

Now I'd like to tell you a little bit about me

I grew up in Central New Jersey.

I had a childhood too.

I liked skateboarding. I found it relaxing and fun!

(That's true!)

Then i did some jobs for money.

They were not as fun as the skateboarding. (No!)

Now I do live comedy shows (Can you handle that?)

Sometimes on T.V. (Like right now!)

Get ready to have your ass blown off by me

With subtle...subtle (Low energy) Comedy. (Low energy, Ho!)

(Crowd cheers) (Hey!)

Thank you.

Thank you audience. Thanks.

Thanks for being here for my special.

Those are the best claps I'm going to get
so I'm going to end on that.

Oh okay, they're saying I should do more, alright.

I saw a friend of mine I hadn't seen in a
while and I went in to shake his hand,

I went in for the handshake.

When I went to shake his hand,
he squeezed just the fingers part

he cut me off

Making me give him a wussy handshake.

But I thought, like, quickly and
I just went with it, I just went..

"Charmed."

You cut me off, I'll curtsy on your ass.

I hate when I go in for a handshake

and I'm coming in traditional.
I'm showing you my hand

and then the person comes back here
with like, the fist thing

Then i gotta scramble, like,
upgrade, oh we're doing the fist, OK.

Because yours is newer I gotta do your thing

So I don't do it I just go like

Paper covers rock bitch.

Best of one!

When I thought about, I like rock paper
scissors two-thirds. You know what I mean?

Rock breaks scissors. These scissors are bent.
They're destroyed.

I can't cut stuff so i lose.

Scissors cuts paper. They're just strips

This is not even paper, this going to take
me forever to put together. You got me

Paper covers rock. Rock is fine!
No stuctural damage to rock

Rock can break through paper
at any point. Just say the word

Paper sucks.

It should be rock, dynamite
with a cutable wick, scissors.

I like to stand there at the ATM machine
when somebody types in their PIN number

I go, "Got it!" And then I run away.

And staying in hotels because you
can leave a message for somebody

and you don't even need to know their name

Just like a room number, you know.

Hey can I get a pen-I just want to leave a
my friends in 710, yeah thanks.

"Leprechauns are gonna fuck
you up at midnight."

"Honey what the hell is this?
Did you anger a small Irishman?"

When I'm drinking I like to have a straw.
You know what I mean.

The straw enables you to drink without
using your wrist

The straw is your friend.

If you lose eye contact with the straw...

Then he'll betray you and make you look
like an idiot.

I just act like I'm surprised at something,
like, cover it up you know.

My God!

That's what you had for breakfast?!
(mouths "WOW!")

Then I gotta pull the straw to the side
"The hell do you think you're doing?"

"The last time I checked you were right
by my mouth!"

"What the hell are you doing on the other side of the glass?"

"I don't need you, you're a luxery."

The ice is even worse!

I get to the bottom of the glass, just me
and the ice. OK.

Just one of you, I want something to chew on.
Come on.

And the ice is like"Hold!"
"Brothers hold! Everybody strike! Now!"

Jeez!

I wonder how good this spotlight works...

Pretty good.

The easiest time to add insult to injury
is when you're signing somebody's cast.

"You're a dick."

"You deserve this."

"Also I'm sorry I broke your leg."

"Jerk."

I wonder what's the smallest garbage can
I can put on the curb outside my house.

And have them empty it and put it back.

"I hate this guy. I hate this guy. Freakin
tiny gar- four really?

Four tiny garbage cans
are you kidding me?"

"He chained them up man come on!"

Then on time I would leave a tiny sweater.
Next to the cans.

So when the garbage man come up he's like
"Wait a minute!"

"This guys not a jerk, we have a tiny
resident living here!"

"This is appropriately sized, never mind."

"Regular sized house though, he's doing
very well for himself."

I was sitting in a bench in New York and
I was trying to work

I was sitting there, I was writing in my
note book and I suddenly heard...

(Kissing noises) So I looked up and
I was like "Huh?"

And there was a guy standing four feet
from me just going (kissing noises)

To a squirrel that was three feet from me.
So I looked at the squirrel and

he wasn't looking up. I realized
"Ah man are you kidding me?"

"I'm less focused on squirrels?"

I'm working and i hear (kissing noise)
"Huh what's that? Is it kissing?"

Aimed at the squirrel. He's like
come on man, really?

Nice try, stupid. I got an acorn.

I saw a sign on this door, it said
"Exit Only"

So I entered it and I went up to the
guy working there and i was like,

"I have some good news.""You have severely
underestimated this door over here."

"By like 100% man."

I hate heavy doors!
I hate when there's a heavy door because

there should be a sign on it.

A sign that says, "Warning! You're going
to look weak right Now!"

Damn it.

Why didn't you tell me man? I'm walking
with a girl here

I don't want to struggle to
get into the bar!

So now I treat every door like it's heavy.
Because I don't want to get burned again.

The problem is, every door isn't heavy.

So I'm like slamming doors.

I don't want to slam a door and not
have an emotion to go with the activity

That look crazy.

So what happens when I go into a
convenience store and i'm just like

BAM! I need some gum NOW!

I don't have time to mess around man,
I've got some bad breath.

Why is your door so light?
That looks delicious.

I want to make a revolving door that says
pull on it.

Just see how obedient people are
You know?

They're like, "Oh it's one of these,
I'm sorry, excuse me."

"It's the door, not me."

"Thank you."