9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Intro music)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Yeah

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
A lot of things happened in the past

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
then i was born

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
then i went to Texas

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to show. (Ho!)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now I'd like to tell you[br]a little bit about me

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I grew up in Central New Jersey.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I had a childhood too.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I liked skateboarding.[br]I found it relaxing and fun!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(That's true!)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Then i did some jobs for money.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
They were not as fun as the skateboarding.[br](No!)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now I do live comedy shows[br](Can you handle that?)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Sometimes on T.V. (Like right now!)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Get ready to have your ass blown off by me

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
With subtle...subtle (Low energy) [br]Comedy. (Low energy, Ho!)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Crowd cheers) (Hey!)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Thank you.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Thank you audience. Thanks.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Thanks for being here for my special.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Those are the best claps I'm going to get[br]so I'm going to end on that.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Oh okay, they're saying I should do more,[br]alright.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I saw a friend of mine I hadn't seen in a[br]while and I went in to shake his hand,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I went in for the handshake.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
When I went to shake his hand,[br]he squeezed just the fingers part

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
he cut me off

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Making me give him a wussy handshake.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But I thought, like, quickly and[br]I just went with it, I just went..

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Charmed."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You cut me off, I'll curtsy on your ass.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I hate when I go in for a handshake

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and I'm coming in traditional.[br]I'm showing you my hand

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and then the person comes back here[br]with like, the fist thing

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Then i gotta scramble, like,[br]upgrade, oh we're doing the fist, OK.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Because yours is newer [br]I gotta do your thing

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So I don't do it I just go like

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Paper covers rock bitch.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Best of one!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
When I thought about, I like rock paper[br]scissors two-thirds. You know what I mean?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Rock breaks scissors. These scissors are bent.[br]They're destroyed.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I can't cut stuff so i lose.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Scissors cuts paper. They're just strips

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
This is not even paper, this going to take[br]me forever to put together. You got me

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Paper covers rock. Rock is fine![br]No stuctural damage to rock

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Rock can break through paper[br]at any point. Just say the word

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Paper sucks.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It should be rock, dynamite[br]with a cutable wick, scissors.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I like to stand there at the ATM machine[br]when somebody types in their PIN number

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I go, "Got it!" And then I run away.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And staying in hotels because you[br]can leave a message for somebody

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and you don't even need to know their name

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Just like a room number, you know.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Hey can I get a pen-I just want to leave a[br]my friends in 710, yeah thanks.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Leprechauns are gonna fuck [br]you up at midnight."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Honey what the hell is this? [br]Did you anger a small Irishman?"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
When I'm drinking I like to have a straw.[br]You know what I mean.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
The straw enables you to drink without[br]using your wrist

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
The straw is your friend.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
If you lose eye contact with the straw...

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Then he'll betray you and make you look[br]like an idiot.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I just act like I'm surprised at something[br]like, cover it up you know.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
My God!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
That's what you had for breakfast?! [br](mouths "WOW!")

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Then I gotta pull the straw to the side[br]"The hell do you think you're doing?"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"The last time I checked you were right[br]by my mouth!"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"What the hell are you doing [br]on the other side of the glass?"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"I don't need you, you're a luxery."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
The ice is even worse!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I get to the bottom of the glass, just me[br]and the ice. OK.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Just one of you, I want something to chew on.[br]Come on.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And the ice is like"Hold!"[br]"Brothers hold! Everybody strike! Now!"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Jeez!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I wonder how good this spotlight works...

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Pretty good.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
The easiest time to add insult to injury[br]is when you're signing somebody's cast.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"You're a dick."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"You deserve this."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Also I'm sorry I broke your leg."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Jerk."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I wonder what's the smallest garbage can[br]I can put on the curb outside my house.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And have them empty it and put it back.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"I hate this guy. I hate this guy. Freakin[br]tiny gar- four really?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Four tiny garbage cans[br]are you kidding me?"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"He chained them up man come on!"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Then on time I would leave a tiny sweater.[br]Next to the cans.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So when the garbage man come up he's like[br]"Wait a minute!"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"This guys not a jerk, we have a tiny[br]resident living here!"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"This is appropriately sized, never mind."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Regular sized house though, he's doing[br]very well for himself."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I was sitting in a bench in New York and[br]I was trying to work

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I was sitting there, I was writing in my[br]note book and I suddenly heard...

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Kissing noises) So I looked up and[br]I was like "Huh?"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And there was a guy standing four feet[br]from me just going (kissing noises)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
To a squirrel that was three feet from me.[br]So I looked at the squirrel and

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
he wasn't looking up. I realized[br]"Ah man are you kidding me?"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"I'm less focused on squirrels?"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I'm working and i hear (kissing noise)[br]"Huh what's that? Is it kissing?"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Aimed at the squirrel. He's like[br]come on man, really?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Nice try, stupid. I got an acorn.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I saw a sign on this door, it said[br]"Exit Only"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So I entered it and I went up to the[br]guy working there and i was like,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"I have some good news.""You have severely[br]underestimated this door over here."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"By like 100% man."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I hate heavy doors![br]I hate when there's a heavy door because

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
there should be a sign on it.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
A sign that says, "Warning! You're going[br]to look weak right Now!"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Damn it.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Why didn't you tell me man? I'm walking[br]with a girl here

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I don't want to struggle to[br]get into the bar!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So now I treat every door like it's heavy.[br]Because I don't want to get burned again.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
The problem is, every door isn't heavy.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So I'm like slamming doors.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I don't want to slam a door and not[br]have an emotion to go with the activity

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
That look crazy.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So what happens when I go into a[br]convenience store and i'm just like

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
BAM! I need some gum NOW!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I don't have time to mess around man,[br]I've got some bad breath.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Why is your door so light?[br]That looks delicious.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I want to make a revolving door that says[br]pull on it.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Just see how obedient people are[br]You know?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
They're like, "Oh it's one of these, [br]I'm sorry, excuse me."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"It's the door, not me."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Thank you."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So this is a large pad. On this pad,[br]I have data from the last year.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
These are findings. So I'd like to [br]get into that.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
OK. I'm going to start with a simple[br]chart. OK this is pretty simple

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
This is 'how short the person is'[br]vs. 'how drunk the person is'

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And this line is how funny it is.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You see the shorter and more drunk the[br]person is, the funnier it is.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
This up here would be a midget or[br]a small child who's very drunk.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Here this guys like 6 foot and he's just[br]like buzzed. And it's like (shrug noise)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But here we have a dwarf about to take a[br]dive off a chair

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Can I get this man another shot,[br]maybe some whiskey in a thimble

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
OK. Break down of Hummer owners.[br]

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Tough guys come at 43% of the owners.[br]Pricks are 27%.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Douche bags are 17%, Now dildos are[br]almost 15%

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and this is interesting because I never[br]had to pluralize dildo before..

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I don't know if that sorta[br]looks like dildas

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I hope I never have to again.[br]Like in a deposition or something.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
How many dildos were there?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I don't know, but I'm[br]sore and I want to go home

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
How funny I find farts by location.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
School is pretty funny, church is funnier,[br]my face isn't funny at all that's negative

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
My brothers face is off the charts though.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Scuba, I'm not sure.It depends,[br]if you can see the bubbles come

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
out of the wet suit.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
That's pretty funny because HAHA[br]we have a man punishing fishermen

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
in the distance. Very nice.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Actually it's probably funnier if you[br]can't see the bubbles come out.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Cuz then you see a guy swimming then[br]all of the sudden he just starts to

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Struggle in his own air supply. "Must[br]stop farting into own nostrils."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Never tacos before scuba!"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Flow chart of clowns.Circus, annoying.[br]Birthday clowns, sad.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
One that's just around, is creepy.[br]But if any of them get hurt, it's funny.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
There's a saying that goes 'People who[br]live in glass houses shouldn't throw

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
stones'

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
OK. How about, nobody should throw stones.[br]

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
That's crappy behavior!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
My policy is no stone throwing regardless[br]of housing situation.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Don't do it!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
There is one exception though. If[br]you're trapped in a glass house...

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And you have a stone, then throw it!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
What are you an idiot?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So really, it's only people in glass[br]houses should throw stones.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Provided they are trapped. In a house.[br]with a stone.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It's a little longer but you know.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Pony tail locations. OK.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Pony's ass, OK. Back of my friend's dad's[br]head, not okay.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Mostly because of this area right here.[br]This isn't helping this.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
That's not good.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
This is the pie chart of procrastination.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Okay, this is very autobiographical[br]This is the cuteness of the girl

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Versus how interested I am in hearing[br]about how intuitive her cat is.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You see, the cuter the girl is, the more[br]I'm willing to hear about the cat

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Oh really yeah he's very intuitive.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But you'll notice at a certain point,[br]I don't care how cute you are.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I don't want to hear about your[br]fucking cat anymore.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I hate your cat.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
When you leave the room, I try to get it.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
This is my ability to draw[br]mountains over time.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I learned something on the road,[br]travelling around.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
State shapes. The easier it is to draw the[br]shape of the state,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
The harder it is to live in that state.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So if you live in a regular polygon. get[br]the hell out of there!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You've gotta move to a squiggly area

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Culture is attracted to squiggles.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Those who see the glass half full are[br]considered optimists. Yeah

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But shouldn't we be more specific about[br]the content of the glass?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
If it's a glass of shit I'm going half[br]empty!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I don't like shit as an optimist, yeah,[br]it's a half empty shit glass right here.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Baby blood, that's even more complicated![br]

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Is this blood going to a baby[br]or coming from a baby?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Because to a baby, yeah we gotta have a[br]full glass of baby blood here

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
don't worry about it. From a baby okay,[br]hold on. It's a half empty baby

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
blood glass, don't ask me why i collected [br]the blood in a glass it's just you know.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Finally, pillow fights. OK. Man versus[br]Woman, fun.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Man versus man, gay. Woman versus woman,[br]awesome. Man versus pillow, crazy.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Pillow versus pillow, crazy awesome.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
That's a real pillow fight right there.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You see two pillows fighting, you know[br]somethings going down.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
They're designed for relaxation. If [br]they're fighting, what hope do we have?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
One time I saw geese fighting and I was[br]like This is a pillow fight ahead of time

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Music)[br]

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Whenever people talk about porcupines,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It's always about the needles.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Oh he's got needles, watch out.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Well, I wanna know other stuff.[br]Like:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Are they good swimmers?[br]

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
How does a porcupine handle himself in the[br]water?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Are they social?[br](Don't know)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
What kind of habits do porcupines have?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And what would happen if I threw[br]marshmallows at one?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And then roasted it over a fire?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So a porcupine is not just needles.[br]You know?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
They're also..[br]like...

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Skewers.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Thank you.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
A power nap is when you sleep on some one[br]who's weaker than you

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I went whale watching once.[br]It was very similar

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
To watching people on a boat become[br]disappointed.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
We did a lot of whale thinking about [br]that day.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
A mobile home with a flat tire is a home

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
If you can't tell the difference between a[br]spoon and a ladel,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
then you're fat.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I want to put stickers on turtles.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I don't know why.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I just know I want to put them on them.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
As the best kind of animal for advertising[br]your band and mother nature.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now I got a time machine at home.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It only goes forward at regular speed.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It's essentially a cardboard box and on[br]the outside I wrote time machine

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
in sharpie

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I love unnecessary bells.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
How fast does a zebra have to run before[br]it looks grey?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now I met many choco-holics but I ain't[br]never seen no choco-hol.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
We got an epidemic people.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
People who love chocolate and don't [br]understand the rules of word endings

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
They're probably over-work-aholed.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
They call it fishing but they should call[br]it what it really is,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
tricking and killing.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Fishing.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Hiking is just walking where it's OK to[br]pee.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Sometimes old people hike by mistake.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now, if you're a chick magnet,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Be very careful about which direction you[br]face

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Because you could become[br]a chick repellent

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Yeah.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I want to commit a crime during a reinactment

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
turn it in to an actment.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Hot potato.. is a very different game[br]when the people playing are starving.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Then it's more like, my potato.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Burn fingertips and I don't give a damn,[br]free potato!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It's very easy to turn a toy into an[br]adult toy.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Location, location, location!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
If I ever see an amputee being hanged,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I'll just yell out letters.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Yeah.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I used to get bummed out when it rained.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But then I realized..[br]That's God's way of washing off hippies.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Rain is short for[br]patchouli neutralizer

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Sometimes, when you learn the meaning of a[br]term, it can be very disappointing.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
When I was a kid, we were going to meet[br]one of my mom's friends once

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and on the way, she described him to me as[br]a cat person.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
We got there, and I was like "Wait a [br]minute. You just like cats?"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"That's a cat liker, man."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Cat person is a different story.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Why does Steve never go into the pool?"[br]"Well he's a cat person." "Okay."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I think they should put pies on the fronts[br]of trains.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So when they hit something,[br]It's at least a little bit funny.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
He's dead, but there's a cream pie right[br]in his face.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It's a little bit funny, Sergeant,[br]I had to admit.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I saw a transvestite wearing a shirt that[br]said "Guess."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I was walking down the street and this guy[br]waved to me.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Then he came up to me and said, "I'm[br]sorry, I thought you were some one else."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I said "I am."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I love birthdays. You get a cake for every[br]year that you're alive.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
When I see a new baby I'm like[br]"Yes!"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Please survive."[br]

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
My chocolate!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Cake is the only food we can write on.[br]It's always so encouraging like...

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Happy birthday, Leo!"[br]"Congratulations Eric!"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I feel like we're missing out on an[br]opportunity.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I'm talking about negative cakes.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Surprise! You're adopted!"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Just when you want cake