[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Intro music)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A lot of things happened in the past
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then i was born
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then i went to Texas
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to show. (Ho!)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now I'd like to tell you\Na little bit about me
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I grew up in Central New Jersey.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had a childhood too.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I liked skateboarding.\NI found it relaxing and fun!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(That's true!)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then i did some jobs for money.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They were not as fun as the skateboarding.\N(No!)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now I do live comedy shows\N(Can you handle that?)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes on T.V. (Like right now!)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Get ready to have your ass blown off by me
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,With subtle...subtle (Low energy) \NComedy. (Low energy, Ho!)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Crowd cheers) (Hey!)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you audience. Thanks.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thanks for being here for my special.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those are the best claps I'm going to get\Nso I'm going to end on that.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh okay, they're saying I should do more,\Nalright.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I saw a friend of mine I hadn't seen in a\Nwhile and I went in to shake his hand,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I went in for the handshake.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I went to shake his hand,\Nhe squeezed just the fingers part
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he cut me off
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Making me give him a wussy handshake.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I thought, like, quickly and\NI just went with it, I just went..
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Charmed."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You cut me off, I'll curtsy on your ass.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I hate when I go in for a handshake
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'm coming in traditional.\NI'm showing you my hand
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then the person comes back here\Nwith like, the fist thing
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then i gotta scramble, like,\Nupgrade, oh we're doing the fist, OK.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because yours is newer \NI gotta do your thing
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I don't do it I just go like
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Paper covers rock bitch.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Best of one!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I thought about, I like rock paper\Nscissors two-thirds. You know what I mean?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Rock breaks scissors. These scissors are bent.\NThey're destroyed.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can't cut stuff so i lose.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Scissors cuts paper. They're just strips
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is not even paper, this going to take\Nme forever to put together. You got me
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Paper covers rock. Rock is fine!\NNo stuctural damage to rock
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Rock can break through paper\Nat any point. Just say the word
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Paper sucks.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It should be rock, dynamite\Nwith a cutable wick, scissors.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I like to stand there at the ATM machine\Nwhen somebody types in their PIN number
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I go, "Got it!" And then I run away.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And staying in hotels because you\Ncan leave a message for somebody
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you don't even need to know their name
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just like a room number, you know.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hey can I get a pen-I just want to leave a\Nmy friends in 710, yeah thanks.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Leprechauns are gonna fuck \Nyou up at midnight."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Honey what the hell is this? \NDid you anger a small Irishman?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I'm drinking I like to have a straw.\NYou know what I mean.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The straw enables you to drink without\Nusing your wrist
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The straw is your friend.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you lose eye contact with the straw...
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then he'll betray you and make you look\Nlike an idiot.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just act like I'm surprised at something\Nlike, cover it up you know.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My God!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's what you had for breakfast?! \N(mouths "WOW!")
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then I gotta pull the straw to the side\N"The hell do you think you're doing?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"The last time I checked you were right\Nby my mouth!"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"What the hell are you doing \Non the other side of the glass?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I don't need you, you're a luxery."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The ice is even worse!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I get to the bottom of the glass, just me\Nand the ice. OK.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just one of you, I want something to chew on.\NCome on.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the ice is like"Hold!"\N"Brothers hold! Everybody strike! Now!"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Jeez!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wonder how good this spotlight works...
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Pretty good.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The easiest time to add insult to injury\Nis when you're signing somebody's cast.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You're a dick."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You deserve this."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Also I'm sorry I broke your leg."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Jerk."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wonder what's the smallest garbage can\NI can put on the curb outside my house.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And have them empty it and put it back.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I hate this guy. I hate this guy. Freakin\Ntiny gar- four really?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Four tiny garbage cans\Nare you kidding me?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"He chained them up man come on!"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then on time I would leave a tiny sweater.\NNext to the cans.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when the garbage man come up he's like\N"Wait a minute!"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"This guys not a jerk, we have a tiny\Nresident living here!"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"This is appropriately sized, never mind."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Regular sized house though, he's doing\Nvery well for himself."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was sitting in a bench in New York and\NI was trying to work
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was sitting there, I was writing in my\Nnote book and I suddenly heard...
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Kissing noises) So I looked up and\NI was like "Huh?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there was a guy standing four feet\Nfrom me just going (kissing noises)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To a squirrel that was three feet from me.\NSo I looked at the squirrel and
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he wasn't looking up. I realized\N"Ah man are you kidding me?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm less focused on squirrels?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm working and i hear (kissing noise)\N"Huh what's that? Is it kissing?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Aimed at the squirrel. He's like\Ncome on man, really?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nice try, stupid. I got an acorn.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I saw a sign on this door, it said\N"Exit Only"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I entered it and I went up to the\Nguy working there and i was like,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I have some good news.""You have severely\Nunderestimated this door over here."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"By like 100% man."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I hate heavy doors!\NI hate when there's a heavy door because
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there should be a sign on it.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A sign that says, "Warning! You're going\Nto look weak right Now!"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Damn it.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why didn't you tell me man? I'm walking\Nwith a girl here
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't want to struggle to\Nget into the bar!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So now I treat every door like it's heavy.\NBecause I don't want to get burned again.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The problem is, every door isn't heavy.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I'm like slamming doors.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't want to slam a door and not\Nhave an emotion to go with the activity
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That look crazy.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what happens when I go into a\Nconvenience store and i'm just like
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,BAM! I need some gum NOW!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't have time to mess around man,\NI've got some bad breath.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why is your door so light?\NThat looks delicious.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to make a revolving door that says\Npull on it.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just see how obedient people are\NYou know?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're like, "Oh it's one of these, \NI'm sorry, excuse me."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"It's the door, not me."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Thank you."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So this is a large pad. On this pad,\NI have data from the last year.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are findings. So I'd like to \Nget into that.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK. I'm going to start with a simple\Nchart. OK this is pretty simple
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is 'how short the person is'\Nvs. 'how drunk the person is'
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this line is how funny it is.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You see the shorter and more drunk the\Nperson is, the funnier it is.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This up here would be a midget or\Na small child who's very drunk.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here this guys like 6 foot and he's just\Nlike buzzed. And it's like (shrug noise)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But here we have a dwarf about to take a\Ndive off a chair
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can I get this man another shot,\Nmaybe some whiskey in a thimble
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK. Break down of Hummer owners.\N
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Tough guys come at 43% of the owners.\NPricks are 27%.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Douche bags are 17%, Now dildos are\Nalmost 15%
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and this is interesting because I never\Nhad to pluralize dildo before..
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know if that sorta\Nlooks like dildas
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I hope I never have to again.\NLike in a deposition or something.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How many dildos were there?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know, but I'm\Nsore and I want to go home
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How funny I find farts by location.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,School is pretty funny, church is funnier,\Nmy face isn't funny at all that's negative
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My brothers face is off the charts though.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Scuba, I'm not sure.It depends,\Nif you can see the bubbles come
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,out of the wet suit.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's pretty funny because HAHA\Nwe have a man punishing fishermen
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the distance. Very nice.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Actually it's probably funnier if you\Ncan't see the bubbles come out.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Cuz then you see a guy swimming then\Nall of the sudden he just starts to
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Struggle in his own air supply. "Must\Nstop farting into own nostrils."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Never tacos before scuba!"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Flow chart of clowns.Circus, annoying.\NBirthday clowns, sad.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One that's just around, is creepy.\NBut if any of them get hurt, it's funny.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's a saying that goes 'People who\Nlive in glass houses shouldn't throw
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,stones'
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK. How about, nobody should throw stones.\N
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's crappy behavior!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My policy is no stone throwing regardless\Nof housing situation.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't do it!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There is one exception though. If\Nyou're trapped in a glass house...
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you have a stone, then throw it!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What are you an idiot?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So really, it's only people in glass\Nhouses should throw stones.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Provided they are trapped. In a house.\Nwith a stone.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a little longer but you know.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Pony tail locations. OK.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Pony's ass, OK. Back of my friend's dad's\Nhead, not okay.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Mostly because of this area right here.\NThis isn't helping this.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's not good.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is the pie chart of procrastination.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Okay, this is very autobiographical\NThis is the cuteness of the girl
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Versus how interested I am in hearing\Nabout how intuitive her cat is.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You see, the cuter the girl is, the more\NI'm willing to hear about the cat
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh really yeah he's very intuitive.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But you'll notice at a certain point,\NI don't care how cute you are.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't want to hear about your\Nfucking cat anymore.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I hate your cat.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When you leave the room, I try to get it.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is my ability to draw\Nmountains over time.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I learned something on the road,\Ntravelling around.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,State shapes. The easier it is to draw the\Nshape of the state,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The harder it is to live in that state.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So if you live in a regular polygon. get\Nthe hell out of there!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You've gotta move to a squiggly area
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Culture is attracted to squiggles.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those who see the glass half full are\Nconsidered optimists. Yeah
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But shouldn't we be more specific about\Nthe content of the glass?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If it's a glass of shit I'm going half\Nempty!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't like shit as an optimist, yeah,\Nit's a half empty shit glass right here.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Baby blood, that's even more complicated!\N
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is this blood going to a baby\Nor coming from a baby?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because to a baby, yeah we gotta have a\Nfull glass of baby blood here
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,don't worry about it. From a baby okay,\Nhold on. It's a half empty baby
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,blood glass, don't ask me why i collected \Nthe blood in a glass it's just you know.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Finally, pillow fights. OK. Man versus\NWoman, fun.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Man versus man, gay. Woman versus woman,\Nawesome. Man versus pillow, crazy.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Pillow versus pillow, crazy awesome.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's a real pillow fight right there.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You see two pillows fighting, you know\Nsomethings going down.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're designed for relaxation. If \Nthey're fighting, what hope do we have?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One time I saw geese fighting and I was\Nlike This is a pillow fight ahead of time
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Music)\N
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Whenever people talk about porcupines,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's always about the needles.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh he's got needles, watch out.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, I wanna know other stuff.\NLike:
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Are they good swimmers?\N
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How does a porcupine handle himself in the\Nwater?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Are they social?\N(Don't know)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What kind of habits do porcupines have?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And what would happen if I threw\Nmarshmallows at one?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then roasted it over a fire?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So a porcupine is not just needles.\NYou know?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're also..\Nlike...
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Skewers.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A power nap is when you sleep on some one\Nwho's weaker than you
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I went whale watching once.\NIt was very similar
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To watching people on a boat become\Ndisappointed.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We did a lot of whale thinking about \Nthat day.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A mobile home with a flat tire is a home
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you can't tell the difference between a\Nspoon and a ladel,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then you're fat.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to put stickers on turtles.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know why.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just know I want to put them on them.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As the best kind of animal for advertising\Nyour band and mother nature.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now I got a time machine at home.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It only goes forward at regular speed.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's essentially a cardboard box and on\Nthe outside I wrote time machine
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in sharpie
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I love unnecessary bells.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How fast does a zebra have to run before\Nit looks grey?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now I met many choco-holics but I ain't\Nnever seen no choco-hol.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We got an epidemic people.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People who love chocolate and don't \Nunderstand the rules of word endings
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're probably over-work-aholed.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They call it fishing but they should call\Nit what it really is,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,tricking and killing.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fishing.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hiking is just walking where it's OK to\Npee.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes old people hike by mistake.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, if you're a chick magnet,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Be very careful about which direction you\Nface
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because you could become\Na chick repellent
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to commit a crime during a reinactment
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,turn it in to an actment.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hot potato.. is a very different game\Nwhen the people playing are starving.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then it's more like, my potato.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Burn fingertips and I don't give a damn,\Nfree potato!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's very easy to turn a toy into an\Nadult toy.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Location, location, location!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If I ever see an amputee being hanged,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll just yell out letters.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I used to get bummed out when it rained.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But then I realized..\NThat's God's way of washing off hippies.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Rain is short for\Npatchouli neutralizer
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes, when you learn the meaning of a\Nterm, it can be very disappointing.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was a kid, we were going to meet\None of my mom's friends once
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and on the way, she described him to me as\Na cat person.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We got there, and I was like "Wait a \Nminute. You just like cats?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"That's a cat liker, man."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Cat person is a different story.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Why does Steve never go into the pool?"\N"Well he's a cat person." "Okay."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think they should put pies on the fronts\Nof trains.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when they hit something,\NIt's at least a little bit funny.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He's dead, but there's a cream pie right\Nin his face.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a little bit funny, Sergeant,\NI had to admit.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I saw a transvestite wearing a shirt that\Nsaid "Guess."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was walking down the street and this guy\Nwaved to me.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then he came up to me and said, "I'm\Nsorry, I thought you were some one else."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said "I am."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I love birthdays. You get a cake for every\Nyear that you're alive.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I see a new baby I'm like\N"Yes!"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Please survive."\N
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My chocolate!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Cake is the only food we can write on.\NIt's always so encouraging like...
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Happy birthday, Leo!"\N"Congratulations Eric!"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I feel like we're missing out on an\Nopportunity.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm talking about negative cakes.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Surprise! You're adopted!"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just when you want cake