WEBVTT

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(Intro music)

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Yeah

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A lot of things happened in the past

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then i was born

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then i went to Texas

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to show. (Ho!)

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Now I'd like to tell you
a little bit about me

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I grew up in Central New Jersey.

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I had a childhood too.

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I liked skateboarding.
I found it relaxing and fun!

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(That's true!)

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Then i did some jobs for money.

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They were not as fun as the skateboarding.
(No!)

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Now I do live comedy shows
(Can you handle that?)

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Sometimes on T.V. (Like right now!)

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Get ready to have your ass blown off by me

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With subtle...subtle (Low energy) 
Comedy. (Low energy, Ho!)

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(Crowd cheers) (Hey!)

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Thank you.

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Thank you audience. Thanks.

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Thanks for being here for my special.

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Those are the best claps I'm going to get
so I'm going to end on that.

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Oh okay, they're saying I should do more,
alright.

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I saw a friend of mine I hadn't seen in a
while and I went in to shake his hand,

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I went in for the handshake.

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When I went to shake his hand,
he squeezed just the fingers part

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he cut me off

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Making me give him a wussy handshake.

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But I thought, like, quickly and
I just went with it, I just went..

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"Charmed."

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You cut me off, I'll curtsy on your ass.

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I hate when I go in for a handshake

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and I'm coming in traditional.
I'm showing you my hand

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and then the person comes back here
with like, the fist thing

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Then i gotta scramble, like,
upgrade, oh we're doing the fist, OK.

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Because yours is newer 
I gotta do your thing

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So I don't do it I just go like

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Paper covers rock bitch.

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Best of one!

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When I thought about, I like rock paper
scissors two-thirds. You know what I mean?

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Rock breaks scissors. These scissors are bent.
They're destroyed.

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I can't cut stuff so i lose.

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Scissors cuts paper. They're just strips

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This is not even paper, this going to take
me forever to put together. You got me

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Paper covers rock. Rock is fine!
No stuctural damage to rock

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Rock can break through paper
at any point. Just say the word

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Paper sucks.

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It should be rock, dynamite
with a cutable wick, scissors.

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I like to stand there at the ATM machine
when somebody types in their PIN number

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I go, "Got it!" And then I run away.

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And staying in hotels because you
can leave a message for somebody

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and you don't even need to know their name

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Just like a room number, you know.

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Hey can I get a pen-I just want to leave a
my friends in 710, yeah thanks.

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"Leprechauns are gonna fuck 
you up at midnight."

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"Honey what the hell is this? 
Did you anger a small Irishman?"

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When I'm drinking I like to have a straw.
You know what I mean.

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The straw enables you to drink without
using your wrist

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The straw is your friend.

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If you lose eye contact with the straw...

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Then he'll betray you and make you look
like an idiot.

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I just act like I'm surprised at something
like, cover it up you know.

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My God!

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That's what you had for breakfast?! 
(mouths "WOW!")

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Then I gotta pull the straw to the side
"The hell do you think you're doing?"

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"The last time I checked you were right
by my mouth!"

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"What the hell are you doing 
on the other side of the glass?"

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"I don't need you, you're a luxery."

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The ice is even worse!

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I get to the bottom of the glass, just me
and the ice. OK.

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Just one of you, I want something to chew on.
Come on.

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And the ice is like"Hold!"
"Brothers hold! Everybody strike! Now!"

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Jeez!

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I wonder how good this spotlight works...

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Pretty good.

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The easiest time to add insult to injury
is when you're signing somebody's cast.

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"You're a dick."

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"You deserve this."

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"Also I'm sorry I broke your leg."

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"Jerk."

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I wonder what's the smallest garbage can
I can put on the curb outside my house.

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And have them empty it and put it back.

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"I hate this guy. I hate this guy. Freakin
tiny gar- four really?

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Four tiny garbage cans
are you kidding me?"

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"He chained them up man come on!"

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Then on time I would leave a tiny sweater.
Next to the cans.

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So when the garbage man come up he's like
"Wait a minute!"

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"This guys not a jerk, we have a tiny
resident living here!"

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"This is appropriately sized, never mind."

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"Regular sized house though, he's doing
very well for himself."

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I was sitting in a bench in New York and
I was trying to work

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I was sitting there, I was writing in my
note book and I suddenly heard...

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(Kissing noises) So I looked up and
I was like "Huh?"

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And there was a guy standing four feet
from me just going (kissing noises)

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To a squirrel that was three feet from me.
So I looked at the squirrel and

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he wasn't looking up. I realized
"Ah man are you kidding me?"

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"I'm less focused on squirrels?"

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I'm working and i hear (kissing noise)
"Huh what's that? Is it kissing?"

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Aimed at the squirrel. He's like
come on man, really?

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Nice try, stupid. I got an acorn.

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I saw a sign on this door, it said
"Exit Only"

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So I entered it and I went up to the
guy working there and i was like,

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"I have some good news.""You have severely
underestimated this door over here."

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"By like 100% man."

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I hate heavy doors!
I hate when there's a heavy door because

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there should be a sign on it.

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A sign that says, "Warning! You're going
to look weak right Now!"

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Damn it.

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Why didn't you tell me man? I'm walking
with a girl here

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I don't want to struggle to
get into the bar!

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So now I treat every door like it's heavy.
Because I don't want to get burned again.

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The problem is, every door isn't heavy.

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So I'm like slamming doors.

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I don't want to slam a door and not
have an emotion to go with the activity

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That look crazy.

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So what happens when I go into a
convenience store and i'm just like

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BAM! I need some gum NOW!

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I don't have time to mess around man,
I've got some bad breath.

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Why is your door so light?
That looks delicious.

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I want to make a revolving door that says
pull on it.

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Just see how obedient people are
You know?

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They're like, "Oh it's one of these, 
I'm sorry, excuse me."

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"It's the door, not me."

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"Thank you."

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So this is a large pad. On this pad,
I have data from the last year.

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These are findings. So I'd like to 
get into that.

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OK. I'm going to start with a simple
chart. OK this is pretty simple

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This is 'how short the person is'
vs. 'how drunk the person is'

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And this line is how funny it is.

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You see the shorter and more drunk the
person is, the funnier it is.

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This up here would be a midget or
a small child who's very drunk.

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Here this guys like 6 foot and he's just
like buzzed. And it's like (shrug noise)

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But here we have a dwarf about to take a
dive off a chair

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Can I get this man another shot,
maybe some whiskey in a thimble

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OK. Break down of Hummer owners.


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Tough guys come at 43% of the owners.
Pricks are 27%.

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Douche bags are 17%, Now dildos are
almost 15%

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and this is interesting because I never
had to pluralize dildo before..

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I don't know if that sorta
looks like dildas

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I hope I never have to again.
Like in a deposition or something.

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How many dildos were there?

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I don't know, but I'm
sore and I want to go home

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How funny I find farts by location.

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School is pretty funny, church is funnier,
my face isn't funny at all that's negative

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My brothers face is off the charts though.

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Scuba, I'm not sure.It depends,
if you can see the bubbles come

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out of the wet suit.

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That's pretty funny because HAHA
we have a man punishing fishermen

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in the distance. Very nice.

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Actually it's probably funnier if you
can't see the bubbles come out.

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Cuz then you see a guy swimming then
all of the sudden he just starts to

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Struggle in his own air supply. "Must
stop farting into own nostrils."

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"Never tacos before scuba!"

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Flow chart of clowns.Circus, annoying.
Birthday clowns, sad.

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One that's just around, is creepy.
But if any of them get hurt, it's funny.

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There's a saying that goes 'People who
live in glass houses shouldn't throw

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stones'

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OK. How about, nobody should throw stones.


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That's crappy behavior!

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My policy is no stone throwing regardless
of housing situation.

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Don't do it!

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There is one exception though. If
you're trapped in a glass house...

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And you have a stone, then throw it!

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What are you an idiot?

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So really, it's only people in glass
houses should throw stones.

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Provided they are trapped. In a house.
with a stone.

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It's a little longer but you know.

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Pony tail locations. OK.

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Pony's ass, OK. Back of my friend's dad's
head, not okay.

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Mostly because of this area right here.
This isn't helping this.

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That's not good.

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This is the pie chart of procrastination.

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Okay, this is very autobiographical
This is the cuteness of the girl

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Versus how interested I am in hearing
about how intuitive her cat is.

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You see, the cuter the girl is, the more
I'm willing to hear about the cat

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Oh really yeah he's very intuitive.

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But you'll notice at a certain point,
I don't care how cute you are.

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I don't want to hear about your
fucking cat anymore.

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I hate your cat.

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When you leave the room, I try to get it.

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This is my ability to draw
mountains over time.

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I learned something on the road,
travelling around.

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State shapes. The easier it is to draw the
shape of the state,

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The harder it is to live in that state.

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So if you live in a regular polygon. get
the hell out of there!

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You've gotta move to a squiggly area

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Culture is attracted to squiggles.

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Those who see the glass half full are
considered optimists. Yeah

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But shouldn't we be more specific about
the content of the glass?

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If it's a glass of shit I'm going half
empty!

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I don't like shit as an optimist, yeah,
it's a half empty shit glass right here.

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Baby blood, that's even more complicated!


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Is this blood going to a baby
or coming from a baby?

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Because to a baby, yeah we gotta have a
full glass of baby blood here

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don't worry about it. From a baby okay,
hold on. It's a half empty baby

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blood glass, don't ask me why i collected 
the blood in a glass it's just you know.

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Finally, pillow fights. OK. Man versus
Woman, fun.

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Man versus man, gay. Woman versus woman,
awesome. Man versus pillow, crazy.

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Pillow versus pillow, crazy awesome.

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That's a real pillow fight right there.

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You see two pillows fighting, you know
somethings going down.

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They're designed for relaxation. If 
they're fighting, what hope do we have?

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One time I saw geese fighting and I was
like This is a pillow fight ahead of time

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(Music)


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Whenever people talk about porcupines,

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It's always about the needles.

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Oh he's got needles, watch out.

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Well, I wanna know other stuff.
Like:

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Are they good swimmers?


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How does a porcupine handle himself in the
water?

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Are they social?
(Don't know)

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What kind of habits do porcupines have?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And what would happen if I threw
marshmallows at one?

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And then roasted it over a fire?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
So a porcupine is not just needles.
You know?

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They're also..
like...

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Skewers.

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Thank you.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
A power nap is when you sleep on some one
who's weaker than you

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I went whale watching once.
It was very similar

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To watching people on a boat become
disappointed.

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We did a lot of whale thinking about 
that day.

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A mobile home with a flat tire is a home

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If you can't tell the difference between a
spoon and a ladel,

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then you're fat.

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I want to put stickers on turtles.

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I don't know why.

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I just know I want to put them on them.

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As the best kind of animal for advertising
your band and mother nature.

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Now I got a time machine at home.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
It only goes forward at regular speed.

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It's essentially a cardboard box and on
the outside I wrote time machine

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
in sharpie

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I love unnecessary bells.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
How fast does a zebra have to run before
it looks grey?

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Now I met many choco-holics but I ain't
never seen no choco-hol.

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We got an epidemic people.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
People who love chocolate and don't 
understand the rules of word endings

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They're probably over-work-aholed.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
They call it fishing but they should call
it what it really is,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
tricking and killing.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Fishing.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Hiking is just walking where it's OK to
pee.

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Sometimes old people hike by mistake.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Now, if you're a chick magnet,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Be very careful about which direction you
face

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Because you could become
a chick repellent

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Yeah.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I want to commit a crime during a reinactment

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
turn it in to an actment.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Hot potato.. is a very different game
when the people playing are starving.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Then it's more like, my potato.

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Burn fingertips and I don't give a damn,
free potato!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
It's very easy to turn a toy into an
adult toy.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Location, location, location!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
If I ever see an amputee being hanged,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I'll just yell out letters.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Yeah.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I used to get bummed out when it rained.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
But then I realized..
That's God's way of washing off hippies.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Rain is short for
patchouli neutralizer

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Sometimes, when you learn the meaning of a
term, it can be very disappointing.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
When I was a kid, we were going to meet
one of my mom's friends once

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and on the way, she described him to me as
a cat person.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
We got there, and I was like "Wait a 
minute. You just like cats?"

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"That's a cat liker, man."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Cat person is a different story.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"Why does Steve never go into the pool?"
"Well he's a cat person." "Okay."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I think they should put pies on the fronts
of trains.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
So when they hit something,
It's at least a little bit funny.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
He's dead, but there's a cream pie right
in his face.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
It's a little bit funny, Sergeant,
I had to admit.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I saw a transvestite wearing a shirt that
said "Guess."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I was walking down the street and this guy
waved to me.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Then he came up to me and said, "I'm
sorry, I thought you were some one else."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I said "I am."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I love birthdays. You get a cake for every
year that you're alive.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
When I see a new baby I'm like
"Yes!"

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"Please survive."


99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
My chocolate!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Cake is the only food we can write on.
It's always so encouraging like...

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"Happy birthday, Leo!"
"Congratulations Eric!"

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I feel like we're missing out on an
opportunity.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I'm talking about negative cakes.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"Surprise! You're adopted!"

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Just when you want cake