Singles, couples: how to wake up love? | Florence Escaravage | TEDxCannes
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0:30 - 0:34We are all programmed
to love and be loved. -
0:34 - 0:35It's in us.
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0:35 - 0:40It is our genetic programming necessary
for the reproduction of the species. -
0:41 - 0:42But love is magic!
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0:42 - 0:45For this magic to work,
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0:45 - 0:48certain conditions must be met.
-
0:48 - 0:52But too often, we block
this emotional circulation -
0:52 - 0:54without knowing it.
-
0:54 - 0:58Yet, we are all capable, if we will,
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0:58 - 1:00to find love in three months.
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1:00 - 1:04So I would like to tell you two things:
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1:04 - 1:05first,
-
1:07 - 1:12it is the opposite of what you can read
in women's magazines; -
1:13 - 1:15secondly,
-
1:15 - 1:17it relies on the opposite dynamics
-
1:17 - 1:21of that which consists
in lying on a couch. -
1:21 - 1:24Why is it contrary to
what is said in women's magazines? -
1:24 - 1:26Because in women's magazines,
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1:26 - 1:30you are often told you should talk
about your strong points; -
1:31 - 1:34that what kills love is control -
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1:34 - 1:37control over your image,
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1:37 - 1:40control over what you want
to reveal about yourself. -
1:40 - 1:43So you are told that you must
talk about your strong points, -
1:43 - 1:45that you must be self-confident,
-
1:45 - 1:47and all that seems natural to you.
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1:47 - 1:50I often meet women who are beautiful,
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1:50 - 1:55have a great job,
are smart, are self-confident. -
1:55 - 1:57And yet, they can't find love.
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1:57 - 2:00If we had to wait for self-confidence
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2:01 - 2:02to find love,
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2:02 - 2:05there would not be many babies on Earth.
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2:06 - 2:09So I will take the example of two singles:
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2:09 - 2:11imagine Paul and Virginia.
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2:11 - 2:14They meet for the first time
around a drink. -
2:14 - 2:17Paul is a serious man,
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2:17 - 2:22he will want to appear
intelligent, but also friendly. -
2:23 - 2:27Virginie is a little more bohemian,
so she will want to show -
2:27 - 2:31how eclectic her life is,
how unusual her activities are, -
2:31 - 2:34and then she will also want
to talk about her travels. -
2:34 - 2:38So that exchange is bound for disaster.
-
2:38 - 2:42It so happens that when you want
to show yourself in your best light, -
2:43 - 2:46when you wish to arouse admiration,
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2:46 - 2:51without knowing it, you block
the circulation of emotions. -
2:53 - 2:55And that's a disaster.
-
2:56 - 3:01Imagine a cursor on
the range of your personality: -
3:02 - 3:05at one end, you gather
all your sources of joy: -
3:05 - 3:08what makes you tick, what makes you
wake up in the morning, -
3:08 - 3:10what makes you very joyful,
-
3:10 - 3:13And at the other end,
you put what, in your journey, -
3:13 - 3:18constitutes your trials,
but also your doubts, your questions. -
3:19 - 3:21The more you advance in age,
-
3:21 - 3:26the more you tend to place
that cursor in the center - -
3:26 - 3:31what you do, your movies, your readings,
your outings, your travels. -
3:31 - 3:34The more you advance in age,
the more you need to be reassured. -
3:35 - 3:37In fact, you must do the opposite.
-
3:37 - 3:41Sometimes, you get to meet
someone only once, -
3:41 - 3:45then you might as well
be yourself, only stronger. -
3:45 - 3:51Because this is the only way
to truly display our personality, -
3:51 - 3:53to let go of your control,
-
3:54 - 3:59and then to establish a bridge of exchange
so as to let emotions circulate. -
4:00 - 4:04Secondly: why is falling in love
or finding love -
4:04 - 4:08the absolutely opposite dynamics
of lying on a couch? -
4:08 - 4:11Because when you are at the shrink,
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4:11 - 4:14you're into introspection, into analysis.
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4:14 - 4:19When you want to fall in love,
you are into receiving, into opening up. -
4:19 - 4:22When you are at a psychiatrist's,
you try to understand; -
4:22 - 4:24to understand yourself,
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4:24 - 4:26understand your expectations;
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4:27 - 4:33when you fall in love,
you are totally into receiving, -
4:33 - 4:36you must allow yourself
to be surprised by a personality, -
4:36 - 4:37you must be carried away,
-
4:37 - 4:40and you must not listen
to this little voice that judges, -
4:41 - 4:45that will tell you that this person
does not meet your requirements. -
4:45 - 4:48For Paul and Virginia
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4:49 - 4:52to have a fiery history,
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4:53 - 4:57they must return
to the state of an adolescent; -
4:57 - 5:04this teenager,
with his emotions, his moods, -
5:04 - 5:07and the somewhat cyclotomic
activity of his moods. -
5:07 - 5:10Imagine him coming out
of a period of withdrawal; -
5:11 - 5:16by opening up to the world,
he's all about receiving from others, -
5:17 - 5:21and his attention isn't caught by
the first or second person passing by -
5:21 - 5:22but the third one;
-
5:22 - 5:26he's all about connection
with this passing person -
5:26 - 5:29so he doesn't control himself at all,
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5:29 - 5:32and he can totally receive.
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5:32 - 5:34You will tell me, "OK,
it's all very well, but exactly, -
5:34 - 5:36around a drink, how do you do it?"
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5:36 - 5:41In order to create love reciprocity,
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5:42 - 5:46you must wake up a sleeping being.
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5:46 - 5:51Waking up in yourself, but also
for the other, a sleeping being, -
5:51 - 5:57it means resonating strings
that do not vibrate often. -
5:57 - 5:59It's about asking questions
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5:59 - 6:04about what drives our life,
what drives us, -
6:04 - 6:06what makes us joyful,
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6:06 - 6:08about perhaps a difficult journey,
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6:08 - 6:12about the look back on
such or such experience. -
6:13 - 6:14I can already hear some say,
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6:14 - 6:16"Oh, no! But on the first date,
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6:16 - 6:19you don't go about
asking intimate questions." -
6:19 - 6:20But these are not intimate questions!
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6:20 - 6:22Instead of asking,
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6:22 - 6:24"What's your job, how's it going?"
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6:24 - 6:27maybe, "Why did you choose this job?"
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6:27 - 6:28Instead of asking,
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6:28 - 6:33"Ah, you play golf...
And where do you play? -
6:33 - 6:35How often do you play?", you ask,
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6:35 - 6:37"Why do you play golf? And tennis?
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6:37 - 6:40Why did you choose this career change?"
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6:40 - 6:46It is the only way to express
what lies deep within you. -
6:46 - 6:50And then finally, you realize
that it is not every day -
6:50 - 6:53you get the opportunity
to look within yourself -
6:53 - 6:56for answers to these questions
about your choices. -
6:56 - 7:00This is the only way to free
-
7:00 - 7:05and set up this exchange bridge
that allows emotions to circulate. -
7:05 - 7:10You fall in love with someone
not for what they do, or how they do it, -
7:10 - 7:13but for why they do it.
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7:13 - 7:15Do you know these Russian dolls?
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7:15 - 7:18Imagine that in you,
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7:18 - 7:23you have several Russian dolls:
the biggest is the one that controls. -
7:23 - 7:28Well, if you really want to fall in love
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7:28 - 7:33and be in an exchange
where emotions circulate, -
7:33 - 7:34you must look not for the doll
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7:34 - 7:39that controls, judges,
thinks, is intelligent, -
7:39 - 7:44but this smallest,
very whole doll at the bottom, -
7:44 - 7:50which is the one that, like the tree,
wants to grow, receive light, -
7:51 - 7:54transform, be touched.
-
7:54 - 7:59Because you all know
that being in love, falling in love -
7:59 - 8:01is to be revealed to oneself.
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8:04 - 8:06I can already hear some people say,
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8:06 - 8:08"No, I do not work like that.
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8:08 - 8:11I let myself be guided
by physical attractions -
8:11 - 8:14or I let myself be guided
by intellectual attraction." -
8:15 - 8:16Fine.
-
8:17 - 8:19But you can fail.
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8:19 - 8:24You can fail if you do not enrich
your attractions -
8:24 - 8:27with all that very raw material
which constitutes us. -
8:27 - 8:29Many people come to see me,
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8:29 - 8:32who are sometimes divorced,
single, and who tell me, -
8:32 - 8:34"I have not fallen in love for years,"
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8:34 - 8:38or "I ask for too much,
I cannot find the right person," -
8:38 - 8:40or "I do not meet enough people,"
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8:40 - 8:43or "I am not interested
in anyone at the moment!" -
8:43 - 8:46Well, in fact, you are misinterpreting.
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8:46 - 8:51In fact, these people,
when they meet someone, -
8:51 - 8:54only get 10% of their personality.
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8:55 - 8:58Because if they really establish
a bridge of exchange -
8:58 - 9:00where emotions circulate,
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9:00 - 9:03then they receive 100% of the person.
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9:03 - 9:06For couples, you'll tell me,
"OK, that's fine, -
9:06 - 9:08but falling in love with
your significant other -
9:08 - 9:11does it work the same way?"
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9:11 - 9:14And here I say a big yes.
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9:14 - 9:19For a couple, it's about
reconnecting regularly -
9:19 - 9:22with what moves us in the other.
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9:23 - 9:29When we separate, when we cheat,
when we distance ourselves, -
9:29 - 9:32it is because we lost
the connection between us. -
9:33 - 9:35We all evolve!
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9:35 - 9:37Fifteen or twenty years later,
we are not the same anymore. -
9:37 - 9:40It's not that bad.
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9:40 - 9:43But just because of exchanges,
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9:43 - 9:48we connect regularly
through what makes us vibrate, -
9:48 - 9:50through what makes us sensitive,
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9:50 - 9:55then we touch the other's vulnerability.
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9:56 - 10:00You know, vulnerability
has nothing to do with weakness. -
10:00 - 10:03Vulnerability is what is fragile,
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10:03 - 10:06it's our doubts, our questions.
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10:06 - 10:09Because you know,
someone's strength, you see it, -
10:09 - 10:10you see it all the time.
-
10:10 - 10:14On the other hand,
vulnerability is rarely shown. -
10:15 - 10:19We often separate for the same reasons
we have loved each other. -
10:20 - 10:22You remember Paul -
-
10:22 - 10:24fifteen years and three children later,
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10:25 - 10:30he's going to get irritated, upset
about Virginie's very bohemian side. -
10:30 - 10:35And Virginie will be irritated
by Paul's rigidity -
10:36 - 10:40and his very orderly mind
over things and the world. -
10:40 - 10:43And yet,
-
10:43 - 10:48they were precisely attracted
fifteen years earlier -
10:48 - 10:52by this difference,
by this very different matter -
10:53 - 10:58that had in fact, perhaps,
awakened something in them -
10:59 - 11:01that their education had stifled.
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11:03 - 11:07If the couple connects regularly,
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11:08 - 11:12if the couple sets up these exchanges,
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11:12 - 11:18then it is still easier to accept the idea
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11:18 - 11:20of the other's difference.
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11:21 - 11:25If we want to get out
of the differences-irritate-me stage, -
11:25 - 11:28that's when we really understand
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11:28 - 11:33what love with a capital L is for,
what a couple that lasts is for. -
11:33 - 11:38Because it is much easier
to accept the alterity of the other -
11:38 - 11:43when we connect regularly,
when we engage regularly. -
11:43 - 11:47The important thing I wanted
to tell you about the couple -
11:47 - 11:50is that is when you connect,
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11:50 - 11:53it is much easier
to understand that the other, -
11:53 - 11:57Is actually an invitation to go
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11:57 - 12:01and wake up in us this part
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12:01 - 12:05that maybe our education
has buried, has stifled. -
12:05 - 12:08The other is an invitation
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12:09 - 12:15to go reveal colors,
other colors of our personality. -
12:15 - 12:16Love!
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12:16 - 12:18(Applause)
- Title:
- Singles, couples: how to wake up love? | Florence Escaravage | TEDxCannes
- Description:
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This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx
In this didactical talk, Florence Escaravage shares the keys to her innovative approach: how can we wake up in us and in others a lover asleep? What are the conditions for the magic to work? We are all perfectly able to find love in a few moths or to get our significant other to fall in love with us all over again!
- Video Language:
- French
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 12:29