WEBVTT

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We are all programmed
to love and be loved.

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It's in us.

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It is our genetic programming necessary
for the reproduction of the species.

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But love is magic!

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For this magic to work,

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certain conditions must be met.

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But too often, we block
this emotional circulation

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without knowing it.

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Yet, we are all capable, if we will,

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to find love in three months.

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So I would like to tell you two things:

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first,

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it is the opposite of what you can read
in women's magazines;

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secondly,

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it relies on the opposite dynamics

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of that which consists
in lying on a couch.

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Why is it contrary to
what is said in women's magazines?

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Because in women's magazines,

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you are often told you should talk
about your strong points;

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that what kills love is control -

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control over your image,

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control over what you want
to reveal about yourself.

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So you are told that you must
talk about your strong points,

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that you must be self-confident,

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and all that seems natural to you.

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I often meet women who are beautiful,

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have a great job,
are smart, are self-confident.

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And yet, they can't find love.

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If we had to wait for self-confidence

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to find love,

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there would not be many babies on Earth.

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So I will take the example of two singles:

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imagine Paul and Virginia.

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They meet for the first time
around a drink.

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Paul is a serious man,

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he will want to appear
intelligent, but also friendly.

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Virginie is a little more bohemian,
so she will want to show

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how eclectic her life is,
how unusual her activities are,

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and then she will also want
to talk about her travels.

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So that exchange is bound for disaster.

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It so happens that when you want
to show yourself in your best light,

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when you wish to arouse admiration,

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without knowing it, you block
the circulation of emotions.

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And that's a disaster.

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Imagine a cursor on
the range of your personality:

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at one end, you gather
all your sources of joy:

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what makes you tick, what makes you
wake up in the morning,

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what makes you very joyful,

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And at the other end,
you put what, in your journey,

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constitutes your trials,
but also your doubts, your questions.

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The more you advance in age,

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the more you tend to place
that cursor in the center -

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what you do, your movies, your readings,
your outings, your travels.

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The more you advance in age,
the more you need to be reassured.

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In fact, you must do the opposite.

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Sometimes, you get to meet
someone only once,

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then you might as well
be yourself, only stronger.

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Because this is the only way
to truly display our personality,

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to let go of your control,

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and then to establish a bridge of exchange
so as to let emotions circulate.

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Secondly: why is falling in love
or finding love

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the absolutely opposite dynamics
of lying on a couch?

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Because when you are at the shrink,

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you're into introspection, into analysis.

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When you want to fall in love,
you are into receiving, into opening up.

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When you are at a psychiatrist's,
you try to understand;

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to understand yourself,

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understand your expectations;

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when you fall in love,
you are totally into receiving,

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you must allow yourself
to be surprised by a personality,

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you must be carried away,

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and you must not listen
to this little voice that judges,

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that will tell you that this person
does not meet your requirements.

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For Paul and Virginia

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to have a fiery history,

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they must return
to the state of an adolescent;

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this teenager,
with his emotions, his moods,

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and the somewhat cyclotomic
activity of his moods.

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Imagine him coming out
of a period of withdrawal;

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by opening up to the world,
he's all about receiving from others,

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and his attention isn't caught by
the first or second person passing by

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but the third one;

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he's all about connection
with this passing person

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so he doesn't control himself at all,

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and he can totally receive.

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You will tell me, "OK,
it's all very well, but exactly,

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around a drink, how do you do it?"

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In order to create love reciprocity,

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you must wake up a sleeping being.

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Waking up in yourself, but also
for the other, a sleeping being,

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it means resonating strings
that do not vibrate often.

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It's about asking questions

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about what drives our life,
what drives us,

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what makes us joyful,

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about perhaps a difficult journey,

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about the look back on
such or such experience.

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I can already hear some say,

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"Oh, no! But on the first date,

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you don't go about
asking intimate questions."

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But these are not intimate questions!

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Instead of asking,

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"What's your job, how's it going?"

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maybe, "Why did you choose this job?"

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Instead of asking,

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"Ah, you play golf...
And where do you play?

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How often do you play?", you ask,

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"Why do you play golf? And tennis?

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Why did you choose this career change?"

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It is the only way to express
what lies deep within you.

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And then finally, you realize
that it is not every day

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you get the opportunity
to look within yourself

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for answers to these questions
about your choices.

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This is the only way to free

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and set up this exchange bridge
that allows emotions to circulate.

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You fall in love with someone
not for what they do, or how they do it,

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but for why they do it.

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Do you know these Russian dolls?

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Imagine that in you,

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you have several Russian dolls:
the biggest is the one that controls.

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Well, if you really want to fall in love

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and be in an exchange
where emotions circulate,

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you must look not for the doll

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that controls, judges,
thinks, is intelligent,

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but this smallest,
very whole doll at the bottom,

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which is the one that, like the tree,
wants to grow, receive light,

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transform, be touched.

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Because you all know
that being in love, falling in love

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is to be revealed to oneself.

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I can already hear some people say,

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"No, I do not work like that.

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I let myself be guided
by physical attractions

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or I let myself be guided
by intellectual attraction."

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Fine.

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But you can fail.

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You can fail if you do not enrich
your attractions

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with all that very raw material
which constitutes us.

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Many people come to see me,

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who are sometimes divorced,
single, and who tell me,

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"I have not fallen in love for years,"

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or "I ask for too much,
I cannot find the right person,"

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or "I do not meet enough people,"

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or "I am not interested
in anyone at the moment!"

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Well, in fact, you are misinterpreting.

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In fact, these people,
when they meet someone,

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only get 10% of their personality.

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Because if they really establish
a bridge of exchange

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where emotions circulate,

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then they receive 100% of the person.

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For couples, you'll tell me,
"OK, that's fine,

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but falling in love with
your significant other

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does it work the same way?"

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And here I say a big yes.

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For a couple, it's about
reconnecting regularly

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with what moves us in the other.

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When we separate, when we cheat,
when we distance ourselves,

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it is because we lost
the connection between us.

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We all evolve!

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Fifteen or twenty years later,
we are not the same anymore.

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It's not that bad.

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But just because of exchanges,

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we connect regularly
through what makes us vibrate,

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through what makes us sensitive,

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then we touch the other's vulnerability.

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You know, vulnerability
has nothing to do with weakness.

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Vulnerability is what is fragile,

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it's our doubts, our questions.

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Because you know,
someone's strength, you see it,

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you see it all the time.

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On the other hand,
vulnerability is rarely shown.

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We often separate for the same reasons
we have loved each other.

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You remember Paul -

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fifteen years and three children later,

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he's going to get irritated, upset
about Virginie's very bohemian side.

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And Virginie will be irritated
by Paul's rigidity

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and his very orderly mind
over things and the world.

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And yet,

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they were precisely attracted
fifteen years earlier

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by this difference,
by this very different matter

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that had in fact, perhaps,
awakened something in them

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that their education had stifled.

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If the couple connects regularly,

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if the couple sets up these exchanges,

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then it is still easier to accept the idea

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of the other's difference.

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If we want to get out
of the differences-irritate-me stage,

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that's when we really understand

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what love with a capital L is for,
what a couple that lasts is for.

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Because it is much easier
to accept the alterity of the other

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when we connect regularly,
when we engage regularly.

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The important thing I wanted
to tell you about the couple

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is that is when you connect,

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it is much easier
to understand that the other,

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Is actually an invitation to go

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and wake up in us this part

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that maybe our education
has buried, has stifled.

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The other is an invitation

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to go reveal colors,
other colors of our personality.

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Love!

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(Applause)