0:00:29.918,0:00:33.836
We are all programmed[br]to love and be loved.

0:00:33.840,0:00:35.259
It's in us.

0:00:35.260,0:00:39.620
It is our genetic programming necessary[br]for the reproduction of the species.

0:00:40.670,0:00:42.339
But love is magic!

0:00:42.340,0:00:44.999
For this magic to work,

0:00:45.000,0:00:47.609
certain conditions must be met.

0:00:47.610,0:00:52.209
But too often, we block[br]this emotional circulation

0:00:52.210,0:00:53.959
without knowing it.

0:00:53.960,0:00:58.389
Yet, we are all capable, if we will,

0:00:58.390,0:00:59.929
to find love in three months.

0:00:59.930,0:01:03.729
So I would like to tell you two things:

0:01:03.730,0:01:04.989
first,

0:01:07.120,0:01:11.670
it is the opposite of what you can read[br]in women's magazines;

0:01:13.120,0:01:14.829
secondly,

0:01:14.830,0:01:17.359
it relies on the opposite dynamics

0:01:17.360,0:01:20.709
of that which consists[br]in lying on a couch.

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Why is it contrary to[br]what is said in women's magazines?

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Because in women's magazines,

0:01:26.100,0:01:30.420
you are often told you should talk[br]about your strong points;

0:01:31.010,0:01:33.550
that what kills love is control -

0:01:34.360,0:01:36.769
control over your image,

0:01:36.770,0:01:39.879
control over what you want[br]to reveal about yourself.

0:01:39.880,0:01:42.729
So you are told that you must[br]talk about your strong points,

0:01:42.730,0:01:44.759
that you must be self-confident,

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and all that seems natural to you.

0:01:46.940,0:01:50.269
I often meet women who are beautiful,

0:01:50.270,0:01:54.748
have a great job,[br]are smart, are self-confident.

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And yet, they can't find love.

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If we had to wait for self-confidence

0:02:01.100,0:02:02.158
to find love,

0:02:02.159,0:02:05.159
there would not be many babies on Earth.

0:02:05.670,0:02:09.178
So I will take the example of two singles:

0:02:09.179,0:02:11.228
imagine Paul and Virginia.

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They meet for the first time[br]around a drink.

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Paul is a serious man,

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he will want to appear[br]intelligent, but also friendly.

0:02:22.918,0:02:26.502
Virginie is a little more bohemian,[br]so she will want to show

0:02:26.503,0:02:31.088
how eclectic her life is,[br]how unusual her activities are,

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and then she will also want[br]to talk about her travels.

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So that exchange is bound for disaster.

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It so happens that when you want[br]to show yourself in your best light,

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when you wish to arouse admiration,

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without knowing it, you block[br]the circulation of emotions.

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And that's a disaster.

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Imagine a cursor on[br]the range of your personality:

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at one end, you gather[br]all your sources of joy:

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what makes you tick, what makes you[br]wake up in the morning,

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what makes you very joyful,

0:03:09.779,0:03:13.028
And at the other end,[br]you put what, in your journey,

0:03:13.029,0:03:18.209
constitutes your trials,[br]but also your doubts, your questions.

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The more you advance in age,

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the more you tend to place[br]that cursor in the center -

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what you do, your movies, your readings,[br]your outings, your travels.

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The more you advance in age,[br]the more you need to be reassured.

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In fact, you must do the opposite.

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Sometimes, you get to meet[br]someone only once,

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then you might as well[br]be yourself, only stronger.

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Because this is the only way[br]to truly display our personality,

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to let go of your control,

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and then to establish a bridge of exchange[br]so as to let emotions circulate.

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Secondly: why is falling in love[br]or finding love

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the absolutely opposite dynamics[br]of lying on a couch?

0:04:08.279,0:04:10.538
Because when you are at the shrink,

0:04:10.539,0:04:13.898
you're into introspection, into analysis.

0:04:13.899,0:04:19.327
When you want to fall in love,[br]you are into receiving, into opening up.

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When you are at a psychiatrist's,[br]you try to understand;

0:04:22.430,0:04:24.269
to understand yourself,

0:04:24.270,0:04:26.059
understand your expectations;

0:04:26.699,0:04:33.008
when you fall in love,[br]you are totally into receiving,

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you must allow yourself[br]to be surprised by a personality,

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you must be carried away,

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and you must not listen[br]to this little voice that judges,

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that will tell you that this person[br]does not meet your requirements.

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For Paul and Virginia

0:04:48.541,0:04:52.490
to have a fiery history,

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they must return[br]to the state of an adolescent;

0:04:57.370,0:05:03.875
this teenager,[br]with his emotions, his moods,

0:05:03.876,0:05:07.319
and the somewhat cyclotomic[br]activity of his moods.

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Imagine him coming out[br]of a period of withdrawal;

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by opening up to the world,[br]he's all about receiving from others,

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and his attention isn't caught by[br]the first or second person passing by

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but the third one;

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he's all about connection[br]with this passing person

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so he doesn't control himself at all,

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and he can totally receive.

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You will tell me, "OK,[br]it's all very well, but exactly,

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around a drink, how do you do it?"

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In order to create love reciprocity,

0:05:42.150,0:05:45.799
you must wake up a sleeping being.

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Waking up in yourself, but also[br]for the other, a sleeping being,

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it means resonating strings[br]that do not vibrate often.

0:05:56.619,0:05:58.819
It's about asking questions

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about what drives our life,[br]what drives us,

0:06:03.839,0:06:05.818
what makes us joyful,

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about perhaps a difficult journey,

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about the look back on[br]such or such experience.

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I can already hear some say,

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"Oh, no! But on the first date,

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you don't go about[br]asking intimate questions."

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But these are not intimate questions!

0:06:20.349,0:06:21.998
Instead of asking,

0:06:21.999,0:06:24.168
"What's your job, how's it going?"

0:06:24.169,0:06:26.638
maybe, "Why did you choose this job?"

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Instead of asking,

0:06:28.479,0:06:32.729
"Ah, you play golf...[br]And where do you play?

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How often do you play?", you ask,

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"Why do you play golf? And tennis?

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Why did you choose this career change?"

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It is the only way to express[br]what lies deep within you.

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And then finally, you realize[br]that it is not every day

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you get the opportunity[br]to look within yourself

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for answers to these questions[br]about your choices.

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This is the only way to free

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and set up this exchange bridge[br]that allows emotions to circulate.

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You fall in love with someone[br]not for what they do, or how they do it,

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but for why they do it.

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Do you know these Russian dolls?

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Imagine that in you,

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you have several Russian dolls:[br]the biggest is the one that controls.

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Well, if you really want to fall in love

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and be in an exchange[br]where emotions circulate,

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you must look not for the doll

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that controls, judges,[br]thinks, is intelligent,

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but this smallest,[br]very whole doll at the bottom,

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which is the one that, like the tree,[br]wants to grow, receive light,

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transform, be touched.

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Because you all know[br]that being in love, falling in love

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is to be revealed to oneself.

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I can already hear some people say,

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"No, I do not work like that.

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I let myself be guided[br]by physical attractions

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or I let myself be guided[br]by intellectual attraction."

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Fine.

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But you can fail.

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You can fail if you do not enrich[br]your attractions

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with all that very raw material[br]which constitutes us.

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Many people come to see me,

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who are sometimes divorced,[br]single, and who tell me,

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"I have not fallen in love for years,"

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or "I ask for too much,[br]I cannot find the right person,"

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or "I do not meet enough people,"

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or "I am not interested[br]in anyone at the moment!"

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Well, in fact, you are misinterpreting.

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In fact, these people,[br]when they meet someone,

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only get 10% of their personality.

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Because if they really establish[br]a bridge of exchange

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where emotions circulate,

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then they receive 100% of the person.

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For couples, you'll tell me,[br]"OK, that's fine,

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but falling in love with[br]your significant other

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does it work the same way?"

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And here I say a big yes.

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For a couple, it's about[br]reconnecting regularly

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with what moves us in the other.

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When we separate, when we cheat,[br]when we distance ourselves,

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it is because we lost[br]the connection between us.

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We all evolve!

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Fifteen or twenty years later,[br]we are not the same anymore.

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It's not that bad.

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But just because of exchanges,

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we connect regularly[br]through what makes us vibrate,

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through what makes us sensitive,

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then we touch the other's vulnerability.

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You know, vulnerability[br]has nothing to do with weakness.

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Vulnerability is what is fragile,

0:10:03.160,0:10:05.929
it's our doubts, our questions.

0:10:05.930,0:10:08.689
Because you know,[br]someone's strength, you see it,

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you see it all the time.

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On the other hand,[br]vulnerability is rarely shown.

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We often separate for the same reasons[br]we have loved each other.

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You remember Paul -

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fifteen years and three children later,

0:10:25.209,0:10:30.418
he's going to get irritated, upset[br]about Virginie's very bohemian side.

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And Virginie will be irritated[br]by Paul's rigidity

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and his very orderly mind[br]over things and the world.

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And yet,

0:10:43.460,0:10:48.429
they were precisely attracted[br]fifteen years earlier

0:10:48.430,0:10:51.820
by this difference,[br]by this very different matter

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that had in fact, perhaps,[br]awakened something in them

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that their education had stifled.

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If the couple connects regularly,

0:11:08.120,0:11:12.290
if the couple sets up these exchanges,

0:11:12.300,0:11:18.419
then it is still easier to accept the idea

0:11:18.420,0:11:20.250
of the other's difference.

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If we want to get out[br]of the differences-irritate-me stage,

0:11:24.730,0:11:27.740
that's when we really understand

0:11:27.751,0:11:32.708
what love with a capital L is for,[br]what a couple that lasts is for.

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Because it is much easier[br]to accept the alterity of the other

0:11:37.830,0:11:43.439
when we connect regularly,[br]when we engage regularly.

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The important thing I wanted[br]to tell you about the couple

0:11:46.729,0:11:49.589
is that is when you connect,

0:11:49.590,0:11:53.379
it is much easier[br]to understand that the other,

0:11:53.399,0:11:56.979
Is actually an invitation to go

0:11:56.980,0:12:01.039
and wake up in us this part

0:12:01.040,0:12:04.800
that maybe our education[br]has buried, has stifled.

0:12:04.830,0:12:07.960
The other is an invitation

0:12:08.540,0:12:14.659
to go reveal colors,[br]other colors of our personality.

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Love!

0:12:16.110,0:12:17.580
(Applause)