TWILIGHT AUDITION TAPE

Y'know
I'm a vampire

I want to suck your blood

(Director) Adam Sandler for Twilight

I'm, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry Bella
My mama said that girls are the devil

Vampires are better
No

(Director) Alan Rickman

I suck the blood of little animals

Are you afraid?

(Director) This is Austin Powers
auditioning for Twilight

Hey Bella (inaudible)

I can turn into a werewolf,
baby (animal noise)

(wolf howling) Yeah, baby

(Director) Got Bam Margera here,
auditioning for Twilight

So, what, he's like a
werewolf or something?

(Director) Jacob, yes

Who actually watches these movies?

(Director) Mostly teen girls
and their moms

This is so weird

(Director) Bear Grylls

I'm just so parched

Hopefully if I find a small animal
like a squirrel

then I'll be able to suck their blood

I've been waiting a century
to marry you, uh, Bella Swan, so uh

(Director) Can you put more
emotion into it, like you care?

Yeah, yeah. Hey Bella, I'm a vampire!
Just tell me I'm a vampire

You want my girl, Jacob?
You ain't gonna get it. Aight?

(Director) Clint Eastwood

What the hell is this story about again?

(Director) It's about
vampires and love and

Listen, wolf boy, the only thing

standing between me and you is Bella

Sorry, Bella, must've
put my baby inside you

That's my baby! We have to save Bella,
before she dies.

I've already played a vampire before

(Director) We're aware, that's
why we called you in, Colin

So did I get the part?

(Director) This is Jack Sparrow,
auditioning for Twilight

I know what you are, you're a vampire

(Director) Jeff Goldblum

Bella, not to be afraid, no, no,
no no no

Uh, uh, I do have a thirst for blood
I have a flir-, er, first, er thirst

right, but I'm not going
to suck your blood

No! No, I'm not going to, uh,
uh, I'm not going to drink your blood

No, no no no
You're safe, yes, yes yes yes yes yes

But, uh, perhaps you should, you you you
you you should maybe perhaps trust me

Yes yes

(Director) Could you do it
less like stuttering and noises?

Ahhh

Do you really want a
werewolf in your life?

I am a vampire,
so I can live forever

Jacob, he's a wolf, so he's probably
like 3000 years old in dog years

He's probably going to die any second,
so why not go with me?

How you doing?

(Director) Leonardo DiCaprio for Twilight

You did this. Now she's gonna die.

We have to protect the tribe!

You, Edward!

(animal noises)

(Director) Leo, what are you doing?

I'm turning into a wolf

Oh no Bella, don't listen to Jacob.
He's a meanie and he'll hurt you.

And if you have sex with Edward

you're gonna have a little baby
vampire in your stomach

and he'll be eating at you,
and it'll be your fault.

(Director) Orlando Jones for Twilight

Orlando Jones?! I'm Orlando Bloom!

I was in Troy, Pirates of the
Caribbean, Elizabethtown

I don't want 7 Up, I'm on a diet

(Director) What's with the sweater?

It's not a sweater, I'm a werewolf!

(Director) This is Russell Brand,
auditioning for Twilight

Bella, don't listen to Jacob,
he's just a little wolf boy

I promise, Bella, that
I won't suck your blood

(Director) Ryan Gosling

Bella, I just wanted you
to know that you're

the best thing that ever
happened to me

♪ I've been waiting all my life,
all my life ♪

♪ for someone like you,
like you, like you ♪

♪ I've been waiting here
all night, all night ♪