Y'know I'm a vampire
I want to suck your blood
(Director) Adam Sandler for Twilight
I'm, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry Bella My mama said that girls are the devil
Vampires are better No
(Director) Alan Rickman
I suck the blood of little animals
Are you afraid?
(Director) This is Austin Powers auditioning for Twilight
Hey Bella (inaudible)
I can turn into a werewolf, baby (animal noise)
(wolf howling) Yeah, baby
(Director) Got Bam Margera here, auditioning for Twilight
So, what, he's like a werewolf or something?
(Director) Jacob, yes
Who actually watches these movies?
(Director) Mostly teen girls and their moms
This is so weird
(Director) Bear Grylls
I'm just so parched
Hopefully if I find a small animal like a squirrel
then I'll be able to suck their blood
I've been waiting a century to marry you, uh, Bella Swan, so uh
(Director) Can you put more emotion into it, like you care?
Yeah, yeah. Hey Bella, I'm a vampire! Just tell me I'm a vampire
You want my girl, Jacob? You ain't gonna get it. Aight?
(Director) Clint Eastwood
What the hell is this story about again?
(Director) It's about vampires and love and
Listen, wolf boy, the only thing
standing between me and you is Bella
Sorry, Bella, must've put my baby inside you
That's my baby! We have to save Bella, before she dies.
I've already played a vampire before
(Director) We're aware, that's why we called you in, Colin
So did I get the part?
(Director) This is Jack Sparrow, auditioning for Twilight
I know what you are, you're a vampire
(Director) Jeff Goldblum
Bella, not to be afraid, no, no, no no no
Uh, uh, I do have a thirst for blood I have a flir-, er, first, er thirst
right, but I'm not going to suck your blood
No! No, I'm not going to, uh, uh, I'm not going to drink your blood
No, no no no You're safe, yes, yes yes yes yes yes
But, uh, perhaps you should, you you you you you should maybe perhaps trust me
Yes yes
(Director) Could you do it less like stuttering and noises?
Ahhh
Do you really want a werewolf in your life?
I am a vampire, so I can live forever
Jacob, he's a wolf, so he's probably like 3000 years old in dog years
He's probably going to die any second, so why not go with me?
How you doing?
(Director) Leonardo DiCaprio for Twilight
You did this. Now she's gonna die.
We have to protect the tribe!
You, Edward!
(animal noises)
(Director) Leo, what are you doing?
I'm turning into a wolf
Oh no Bella, don't listen to Jacob. He's a meanie and he'll hurt you.
And if you have sex with Edward
you're gonna have a little baby vampire in your stomach
and he'll be eating at you, and it'll be your fault.
(Director) Orlando Jones for Twilight
Orlando Jones?! I'm Orlando Bloom!
I was in Troy, Pirates of the Caribbean, Elizabethtown
I don't want 7 Up, I'm on a diet
(Director) What's with the sweater?
It's not a sweater, I'm a werewolf!
(Director) This is Russell Brand, auditioning for Twilight
Bella, don't listen to Jacob, he's just a little wolf boy
I promise, Bella, that I won't suck your blood
(Director) Ryan Gosling
Bella, I just wanted you to know that you're
the best thing that ever happened to me
♪ I've been waiting all my life, all my life ♪
♪ for someone like you, like you, like you ♪
♪ I've been waiting here all night, all night ♪