Tinder Date With A Cop

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah....

Jokes.

Jokes, I got jokes.

First date, whaaaat?

A-Allison?

It's obvious you're not

physically attracted to me.

I swiped right, you look exactly like

your profile.

Allison: You can't lie to me.

I'm a cop.

upbeat music

And I'm the best profiler in the city.

Well you are terrible at your job,

because I think you're beautiful.

I'm great at my job.

I'm tryna...that was supposed

to be a joke. If you could talk to

any person, alive or dead,

who would you talk to?

My father.

[Dramatically] My dead father.

His unsolved murder is

the reason I became a cop

I know you can do better than me.

But I'm asking you to give us a chance.

(phone rings)

Oh! Oh-kay.

Detective Allison.

(whispers) Want to see a dead

body?

Mmm, uhh...

Woah!

I did not think you meant

an actual dead body! Ohh, my...

What did you think I meant?

I thought dead body was a

euphemism for...

Am I even allowed

to be in here?

It will just take a minute...

ten tops.

As soon as Guilty Mc-Guilterson

over here confesses.

We can go get some

frozen yogurt and

get to know each other better.

Is this a date?

Listen buddy,

I put my work first

so if I get called in

of course I'm going to

bring my Tinder date.

You understand, right?

(stammers) Totally.

'Cause there's a place in my life

for someone to come second,

like a close second.

Did you even put

any effort into tonight?

Look at your outfit.

Look at your hair.

I blow dried my hair

there is just a lot of it.

I think you look beautiful.

You do?

He's just saying that so he can

so he can have sex with you

never call you again.

Would you please shut-up.

(moans) I'm sorry, but

that was so hot.

I guess the interrogation is really

getting me going.

Me too! (both laugh)

You've got to be kidding me.

Do you want to...like...

give it a whirl?

Sure. (laughs)

(both laugh)

Yeah 'cause I already know

that he's guilty so it doesn't matter.

Okay... (muttering) how 'bout...

If you could talk to

any person living or dead,

who would it be?

It certainly wouldn't be my

dead wife or her dead boyfriend.

Not that I know anything about any other

bodies that you guys may find around

around my apartment

tonight or going forward.

If you could be an animal for a day,

what would it be?

I loved that dog!

She was going to take him

away from me. Her boyfriend

doesn't even like dogs. Who doesn't

like dogs?

The people I murder!

Was that..

Did he...

Was that a confession?

Doesn't matter, because I know

exactly what happened.

You found out that your wife

was cheating on you

with her comptroller Steven.

But wasn't her fault because you couldn't

sexually satisfy you because

you have a micropenis.

To add salt to the wound

you were banging

your small Pekingese ras-kahl.

Most people pronounce it rascal,

but you're an arrogant asshole.

Somehow you've even failed to satisfy

that little dog.

(whispers) How small is it?

(yells) You killed all three!

(sexy music)

What is wrong with you!

I didn't fuck my dog!

Murder my wife and

her boyfriend, of course.

I'm not a monster.

That's how you get a confession.

That was amazing.

I don't have a micropenis!

It's statistically average.

I'm great at my job.

I just suck at love.

Oh yeah? Profile me.

What am I thinking right now?

You're wondering what it would

be like to be inside a Pekingese...

(interrupts) No, oh god no.

I was just thinking

I was going to kiss you.

Oh! No-no-no...

Did I ruin it? Lemme fix it, lemme fix it

Do you want to see

a naked body?

Uh, yeah. I'd like that, yeah.

Great. Let's go downtown.

I didn't think you meant a dead

naked body.

What did you think I meant?

I'm a cop.

I'm having a really nice time.

(gags)

(Upbeat music)