-
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah....
-
Jokes.
-
Jokes, I got jokes.
-
First date, whaaaat?
-
A-Allison?
-
It's obvious you're not
-
physically attracted to me.
-
I swiped right, you look exactly like
-
your profile.
-
Allison: You can't lie to me.
-
I'm a cop.
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upbeat music
-
And I'm the best profiler in the city.
-
Well you are terrible at your job,
-
because I think you're beautiful.
-
I'm great at my job.
-
I'm tryna...that was supposed
-
to be a joke. If you could talk to
-
any person, alive or dead,
-
who would you talk to?
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My father.
-
[Dramatically] My dead father.
-
His unsolved murder is
-
the reason I became a cop
-
I know you can do better than me.
-
But I'm asking you to give us a chance.
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(phone rings)
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Oh! Oh-kay.
-
Detective Allison.
-
(whispers) Want to see a dead
-
body?
-
Mmm, uhh...
-
Woah!
-
I did not think you meant
-
an actual dead body! Ohh, my...
-
What did you think I meant?
-
I thought dead body was a
-
euphemism for...
-
Am I even allowed
-
to be in here?
-
It will just take a minute...
-
ten tops.
-
As soon as Guilty Mc-Guilterson
-
over here confesses.
-
We can go get some
-
frozen yogurt and
-
get to know each other better.
-
Is this a date?
-
Listen buddy,
-
I put my work first
-
so if I get called in
-
of course I'm going to
-
bring my Tinder date.
-
You understand, right?
-
(stammers) Totally.
-
'Cause there's a place in my life
-
for someone to come second,
-
like a close second.
-
Did you even put
-
any effort into tonight?
-
Look at your outfit.
-
Look at your hair.
-
I blow dried my hair
-
there is just a lot of it.
-
I think you look beautiful.
-
You do?
-
He's just saying that so he can
-
so he can have sex with you
-
never call you again.
-
Would you please shut-up.
-
(moans) I'm sorry, but
-
that was so hot.
-
I guess the interrogation is really
-
getting me going.
-
Me too! (both laugh)
-
You've got to be kidding me.
-
Do you want to...like...
-
give it a whirl?
-
Sure. (laughs)
-
(both laugh)
-
Yeah 'cause I already know
-
that he's guilty so it doesn't matter.
-
Okay... (muttering) how 'bout...
-
If you could talk to
-
any person living or dead,
-
who would it be?
-
It certainly wouldn't be my
-
dead wife or her dead boyfriend.
-
Not that I know anything about any other
-
bodies that you guys may find around
-
around my apartment
-
tonight or going forward.
-
If you could be an animal for a day,
-
what would it be?
-
I loved that dog!
-
She was going to take him
-
away from me. Her boyfriend
-
doesn't even like dogs. Who doesn't
-
like dogs?
-
The people I murder!
-
Was that..
-
Did he...
-
Was that a confession?
-
Doesn't matter, because I know
-
exactly what happened.
-
You found out that your wife
-
was cheating on you
-
with her comptroller Steven.
-
But wasn't her fault because you couldn't
-
sexually satisfy you because
-
you have a micropenis.
-
To add salt to the wound
-
you were banging
-
your small Pekingese ras-kahl.
-
Most people pronounce it rascal,
-
but you're an arrogant asshole.
-
Somehow you've even failed to satisfy
-
that little dog.
-
(whispers) How small is it?
-
(yells) You killed all three!
-
(sexy music)
-
What is wrong with you!
-
I didn't fuck my dog!
-
Murder my wife and
-
her boyfriend, of course.
-
I'm not a monster.
-
That's how you get a confession.
-
That was amazing.
-
I don't have a micropenis!
-
It's statistically average.
-
I'm great at my job.
-
I just suck at love.
-
Oh yeah? Profile me.
-
What am I thinking right now?
-
You're wondering what it would
-
be like to be inside a Pekingese...
-
(interrupts) No, oh god no.
-
I was just thinking
-
I was going to kiss you.
-
Oh! No-no-no...
-
Did I ruin it? Lemme fix it, lemme fix it
-
Do you want to see
-
a naked body?
-
Uh, yeah. I'd like that, yeah.
-
Great. Let's go downtown.
-
I didn't think you meant a dead
-
naked body.
-
What did you think I meant?
-
I'm a cop.
-
I'm having a really nice time.
-
(gags)
-
(Upbeat music)