Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah....
Jokes.
Jokes, I got jokes.
First date, whaaaat?
A-Allison?
It's obvious you're not
physically attracted to me.
I swiped right, you look exactly like
your profile.
Allison: You can't lie to me.
I'm a cop.
upbeat music
And I'm the best profiler in the city.
Well you are terrible at your job,
because I think you're beautiful.
I'm great at my job.
I'm tryna...that was supposed
to be a joke. If you could talk to
any person, alive or dead,
who would you talk to?
My father.
[Dramatically] My dead father.
His unsolved murder is
the reason I became a cop
I know you can do better than me.
But I'm asking you to give us a chance.
(phone rings)
Oh! Oh-kay.
Detective Allison.
(whispers) Want to see a dead
body?
Mmm, uhh...
Woah!
I did not think you meant
an actual dead body! Ohh, my...
What did you think I meant?
I thought dead body was a
euphemism for...
Am I even allowed
to be in here?
It will just take a minute...
ten tops.
As soon as Guilty Mc-Guilterson
over here confesses.
We can go get some
frozen yogurt and
get to know each other better.
Is this a date?
Listen buddy,
I put my work first
so if I get called in
of course I'm going to
bring my Tinder date.
You understand, right?
(stammers) Totally.
'Cause there's a place in my life
for someone to come second,
like a close second.
Did you even put
any effort into tonight?
Look at your outfit.
Look at your hair.
I blow dried my hair
there is just a lot of it.
I think you look beautiful.
You do?
He's just saying that so he can
so he can have sex with you
never call you again.
Would you please shut-up.
(moans) I'm sorry, but
that was so hot.
I guess the interrogation is really
getting me going.
Me too! (both laugh)
You've got to be kidding me.
Do you want to...like...
give it a whirl?
Sure. (laughs)
(both laugh)
Yeah 'cause I already know
that he's guilty so it doesn't matter.
Okay... (muttering) how 'bout...
If you could talk to
any person living or dead,
who would it be?
It certainly wouldn't be my
dead wife or her dead boyfriend.
Not that I know anything about any other
bodies that you guys may find around
around my apartment
tonight or going forward.
If you could be an animal for a day,
what would it be?
I loved that dog!
She was going to take him
away from me. Her boyfriend
doesn't even like dogs. Who doesn't
like dogs?
The people I murder!
Was that..
Did he...
Was that a confession?
Doesn't matter, because I know
exactly what happened.
You found out that your wife
was cheating on you
with her comptroller Steven.
But wasn't her fault because you couldn't
sexually satisfy you because
you have a micropenis.
To add salt to the wound
you were banging
your small Pekingese ras-kahl.
Most people pronounce it rascal,
but you're an arrogant asshole.
Somehow you've even failed to satisfy
that little dog.
(whispers) How small is it?
(yells) You killed all three!
(sexy music)
What is wrong with you!
I didn't fuck my dog!
Murder my wife and
her boyfriend, of course.
I'm not a monster.
That's how you get a confession.
That was amazing.
I don't have a micropenis!
It's statistically average.
I'm great at my job.
I just suck at love.
Oh yeah? Profile me.
What am I thinking right now?
You're wondering what it would
be like to be inside a Pekingese...
(interrupts) No, oh god no.
I was just thinking
I was going to kiss you.
Oh! No-no-no...
Did I ruin it? Lemme fix it, lemme fix it
Do you want to see
a naked body?
Uh, yeah. I'd like that, yeah.
Great. Let's go downtown.
I didn't think you meant a dead
naked body.
What did you think I meant?
I'm a cop.
I'm having a really nice time.
(gags)
(Upbeat music)