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Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah....
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Jokes.
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Jokes, I got jokes.
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First date, whaaaat?
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A-Allison?
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It's obvious you're not
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physically attracted to me.
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I swiped right, you look exactly like
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your profile.
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Allison: You can't lie to me.
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I'm a cop.
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upbeat music
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And I'm the best profiler in the city.
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Well you are terrible at your job,
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because I think you're beautiful.
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I'm great at my job.
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I'm tryna...that was supposed
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to be a joke. If you could talk to
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any person, alive or dead,
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who would you talk to?
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My father.
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[Dramatically] My dead father.
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His unsolved murder is
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the reason I became a cop
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I know you can do better than me.
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But I'm asking you to give us a chance.
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(phone rings)
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Oh! Oh-kay.
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Detective Allison.
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(whispers) Want to see a dead
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body?
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Mmm, uhh...
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Woah!
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I did not think you meant
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an actual dead body! Ohh, my...
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What did you think I meant?
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I thought dead body was a
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euphemism for...
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Am I even allowed
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to be in here?
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It will just take a minute...
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ten tops.
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As soon as Guilty Mc-Guilterson
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over here confesses.
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We can go get some
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frozen yogurt and
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get to know each other better.
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Is this a date?
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Listen buddy,
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I put my work first
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so if I get called in
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of course I'm going to
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bring my Tinder date.
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You understand, right?
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(stammers) Totally.
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'Cause there's a place in my life
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for someone to come second,
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like a close second.
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Did you even put
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any effort into tonight?
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Look at your outfit.
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Look at your hair.
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I blow dried my hair
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there is just a lot of it.
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I think you look beautiful.
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You do?
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He's just saying that so he can
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so he can have sex with you
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never call you again.
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Would you please shut-up.
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(moans) I'm sorry, but
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that was so hot.
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I guess the interrogation is really
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getting me going.
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Me too! (both laugh)
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You've got to be kidding me.
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Do you want to...like...
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give it a whirl?
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Sure. (laughs)
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(both laugh)
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Yeah 'cause I already know
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that he's guilty so it doesn't matter.
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Okay... (muttering) how 'bout...
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If you could talk to
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any person living or dead,
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who would it be?
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It certainly wouldn't be my
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dead wife or her dead boyfriend.
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Not that I know anything about any other
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bodies that you guys may find around
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around my apartment
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tonight or going forward.
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If you could be an animal for a day,
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what would it be?
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I loved that dog!
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She was going to take him
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away from me. Her boyfriend
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doesn't even like dogs. Who doesn't
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like dogs?
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The people I murder!
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Was that..
102
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Did he...
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Was that a confession?
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Doesn't matter, because I know
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exactly what happened.
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You found out that your wife
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was cheating on you
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with her comptroller Steven.
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But wasn't her fault because you couldn't
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sexually satisfy you because
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you have a micropenis.
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To add salt to the wound
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you were banging
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your small Pekingese ras-kahl.
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Most people pronounce it rascal,
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but you're an arrogant asshole.
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Somehow you've even failed to satisfy
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that little dog.
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(whispers) How small is it?
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(yells) You killed all three!
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(sexy music)
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What is wrong with you!
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I didn't fuck my dog!
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Murder my wife and
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her boyfriend, of course.
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I'm not a monster.
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That's how you get a confession.
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That was amazing.
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I don't have a micropenis!
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It's statistically average.
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I'm great at my job.
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I just suck at love.
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Oh yeah? Profile me.
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What am I thinking right now?
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You're wondering what it would
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be like to be inside a Pekingese...
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(interrupts) No, oh god no.
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I was just thinking
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I was going to kiss you.
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Oh! No-no-no...
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Did I ruin it? Lemme fix it, lemme fix it
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Do you want to see
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a naked body?
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Uh, yeah. I'd like that, yeah.
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Great. Let's go downtown.
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I didn't think you meant a dead
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naked body.
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What did you think I meant?
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I'm a cop.
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I'm having a really nice time.
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(gags)
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(Upbeat music)