0:00:00.493,0:00:01.849
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah....

0:00:03.169,0:00:03.989
Jokes.

0:00:03.989,0:00:06.169
Jokes, I got jokes.

0:00:07.909,0:00:09.600
First date, whaaaat?

0:00:11.143,0:00:12.247
A-Allison?

0:00:12.247,0:00:13.026
It's obvious you're not

0:00:13.026,0:00:14.182
physically attracted to me.

0:00:14.182,0:00:15.955
I swiped right, you look exactly like

0:00:15.955,0:00:17.287
your profile.

0:00:17.367,0:00:18.833
Allison: You can't lie to me.

0:00:18.833,0:00:19.789
I'm a cop.

0:00:19.789,0:00:29.070
<i>upbeat music</i>

0:00:29.070,0:00:31.072
And I'm the best profiler in the city.

0:00:31.072,0:00:33.475
Well you are terrible at your job,

0:00:33.475,0:00:35.722
because I think you're beautiful.

0:00:35.722,0:00:37.103
I'm great at my job.

0:00:37.733,0:00:38.708
I'm tryna...that was supposed

0:00:38.718,0:00:40.442
to be a joke. If you could talk to

0:00:40.442,0:00:42.995
any person, alive or dead,

0:00:42.995,0:00:44.331
who would you talk to?

0:00:44.331,0:00:45.532
My father.

0:00:45.532,0:00:47.441
[Dramatically] My dead father.

0:00:47.441,0:00:48.557
His unsolved murder is

0:00:48.557,0:00:50.483
the reason I became a cop

0:00:50.653,0:00:52.871
I know you can do better than me.

0:00:54.091,0:00:57.367
But I'm asking you to give us a chance.

0:00:57.367,0:00:59.662
(phone rings)

0:00:59.662,0:01:02.232
Oh! Oh-kay.

0:01:03.052,0:01:04.322
Detective Allison.

0:01:05.032,0:01:06.587
(whispers) Want to see a dead

0:01:06.587,0:01:07.651
body?

0:01:07.651,0:01:09.369
Mmm, uhh...

0:01:09.689,0:01:10.346
Woah!

0:01:10.596,0:01:12.173
I did not think you meant

0:01:12.173,0:01:14.782
an actual dead body! Ohh, my...

0:01:14.782,0:01:15.942
What did you think I meant?

0:01:15.942,0:01:17.330
I thought dead body was a

0:01:17.330,0:01:18.719
euphemism for...

0:01:20.139,0:01:21.048
Am I even allowed

0:01:21.048,0:01:21.907
to be in here?

0:01:22.397,0:01:23.659
It will just take a minute...

0:01:23.659,0:01:24.940
ten tops.

0:01:25.000,0:01:26.981
As soon as Guilty Mc-Guilterson

0:01:26.981,0:01:28.133
over here confesses.

0:01:29.183,0:01:30.356
We can go get some

0:01:30.356,0:01:31.523
frozen yogurt and

0:01:31.523,0:01:32.676
get to know each other better.

0:01:32.676,0:01:33.795
Is this a date?

0:01:33.795,0:01:34.588
Listen buddy,

0:01:34.588,0:01:36.344
I put my work first

0:01:36.344,0:01:37.510
so if I get called in

0:01:37.510,0:01:38.487
of course I'm going to

0:01:38.487,0:01:39.847
bring my Tinder date.

0:01:39.847,0:01:42.046
You understand, right?

0:01:42.046,0:01:43.001
(stammers) Totally.

0:01:43.001,0:01:44.859
'Cause there's a place in my life

0:01:44.859,0:01:46.275
for someone to come second,

0:01:47.125,0:01:48.732
like a close second.

0:01:49.272,0:01:50.066
Did you even put

0:01:50.066,0:01:51.313
any effort into tonight?

0:01:51.313,0:01:52.150
Look at your outfit.

0:01:52.150,0:01:53.225
Look at your hair.

0:01:53.225,0:01:54.645
I blow dried my hair

0:01:54.645,0:01:56.416
there is just a lot of it.

0:01:56.416,0:01:57.567
I think you look beautiful.

0:01:59.117,0:01:59.854
You do?

0:01:59.854,0:02:00.726
He's just saying that so he can

0:02:00.726,0:02:01.671
so he can have sex with you

0:02:01.671,0:02:02.797
never call you again.

0:02:02.797,0:02:05.367
Would you please shut-up.

0:02:05.367,0:02:07.365
(moans) I'm sorry, but

0:02:08.155,0:02:09.454
that was so hot.

0:02:09.454,0:02:11.087
I guess the interrogation is really

0:02:11.087,0:02:12.296
getting me going.

0:02:12.296,0:02:13.629
Me too! (both laugh)

0:02:13.629,0:02:15.270
You've got to be kidding me.

0:02:15.270,0:02:16.512
Do you want to...like...

0:02:16.512,0:02:17.605
give it a whirl?

0:02:17.605,0:02:18.912
Sure. (laughs)

0:02:18.912,0:02:19.736
(both laugh)

0:02:19.736,0:02:21.022
Yeah 'cause I already know

0:02:21.022,0:02:22.731
that he's guilty so it doesn't matter.

0:02:23.571,0:02:25.092
Okay... (muttering) how 'bout...

0:02:25.312,0:02:26.483
If you could talk to

0:02:26.483,0:02:28.136
any person living or dead,

0:02:28.136,0:02:29.479
who would it be?

0:02:29.479,0:02:30.443
It certainly wouldn't be my

0:02:30.443,0:02:32.467
dead wife or her dead boyfriend.

0:02:32.467,0:02:34.427
Not that I know anything about any other

0:02:34.427,0:02:35.337
bodies that you guys may find around

0:02:35.337,0:02:36.247
around my apartment

0:02:36.247,0:02:37.477
tonight or going forward.

0:02:37.727,0:02:39.843
If you could be an animal for a day,

0:02:39.843,0:02:40.837
what would it be?

0:02:40.837,0:02:42.193
I loved that dog!

0:02:42.193,0:02:43.286
She was going to take him

0:02:43.286,0:02:44.848
away from me. Her boyfriend

0:02:44.848,0:02:46.314
doesn't even like dogs. Who doesn't

0:02:46.314,0:02:47.631
like dogs?

0:02:47.631,0:02:48.681
The people I murder!

0:02:49.321,0:02:49.901
Was that..

0:02:49.901,0:02:50.725
Did he...

0:02:50.725,0:02:51.789
Was that a confession?

0:02:51.789,0:02:53.783
Doesn't matter, because I know

0:02:53.783,0:02:55.429
exactly what happened.

0:02:55.429,0:02:57.075
You found out that your wife

0:02:57.075,0:02:58.421
was cheating on you

0:02:58.421,0:03:00.109
with her comptroller Steven.

0:03:00.109,0:03:02.095
But wasn't her fault because you couldn't

0:03:02.095,0:03:03.828
sexually satisfy you because

0:03:03.828,0:03:05.281
you have a micropenis.

0:03:05.281,0:03:06.667
To add salt to the wound

0:03:06.667,0:03:07.853
you were banging

0:03:07.853,0:03:09.441
your small Pekingese <i>ras-kahl</i>.

0:03:09.441,0:03:11.583
Most people pronounce it rascal,

0:03:11.583,0:03:13.200
but you're an arrogant asshole.

0:03:13.200,0:03:14.967
Somehow you've even failed to satisfy

0:03:14.967,0:03:16.801
that little dog.

0:03:17.231,0:03:19.060
(whispers) How small is it?

0:03:19.060,0:03:22.053
(yells) You killed all three!

0:03:22.053,0:03:24.487
(sexy music)

0:03:24.487,0:03:25.868
What is wrong with you!

0:03:25.868,0:03:27.726
I didn't fuck my dog!

0:03:28.016,0:03:29.154
Murder my wife and

0:03:29.154,0:03:30.742
her boyfriend, of course.

0:03:30.742,0:03:32.777
I'm not a monster.

0:03:32.777,0:03:35.666
That's how you get a confession.

0:03:35.666,0:03:37.086
That was amazing.

0:03:37.086,0:03:38.601
I don't have a micropenis!

0:03:38.601,0:03:40.520
It's statistically average.

0:03:40.520,0:03:42.257
I'm great at my job.

0:03:42.257,0:03:44.157
I just suck at love.

0:03:44.157,0:03:47.695
Oh yeah? Profile me.

0:03:47.695,0:03:49.431
What am I thinking right now?

0:03:49.431,0:03:51.485
You're wondering what it would

0:03:51.485,0:03:53.843
be like to be inside a Pekingese...

0:03:53.843,0:03:55.431
(interrupts) No, oh god no.

0:03:55.431,0:03:56.824
I was just thinking

0:03:56.824,0:03:57.925
I was going to kiss you.

0:03:57.925,0:03:59.649
Oh! No-no-no...

0:03:59.649,0:04:01.777
Did I ruin it? Lemme fix it, lemme fix it

0:04:02.607,0:04:03.947
Do you want to see

0:04:03.947,0:04:06.302
a naked body?

0:04:07.152,0:04:10.142
Uh, yeah. I'd like that, yeah.

0:04:10.142,0:04:12.398
Great. Let's go downtown.

0:04:12.398,0:04:13.873
I didn't think you meant a dead

0:04:13.873,0:04:15.182
naked body.

0:04:15.182,0:04:17.175
What did you think I meant?

0:04:17.175,0:04:18.654
I'm a cop.

0:04:20.314,0:04:23.423
I'm having a really nice time.

0:04:23.423,0:04:24.880
(gags)

0:04:24.880,0:04:28.120
(Upbeat music)