Tinder Date With A Cop

Man: yea, yea, yea

Jokes, I got jokes

First date! What!?

Allison?

Allison: it's obvious you're not

physically attracted to me.

Man: I swiped right, you look exactly like

your profile picture.

Allison: You can't lie to me;

I'm a cop.

Upbeat music

And I'm the best profiler in the city.

Man: Well you are terrible at your job,

because I think you're beautiful.

Allison: I'm great at my job.

Man: I'm trying to...that was supposed

to be a joke. If you could talk to

any person, alive or dead, who

would you talk to?

Allison: My father.

[Dramatically] My dead father. His

unsolved murder is the reason I became

a cop. I know you can do better than me.

But I'm asking you to give us a chance.

Phone rings

Man: Oh! Oh-kay.

Allison [on phone]: Detective Allison.

[Whispers] Want to see a dead

body?

Man: Mmm, uhh...

Woah! I did not think you meant an

actual dead body!

Allison: What did you think I meant?

Man: I thought "dead body" was a

euphemism for...am I even allowed

to be in here?

Allison: It will just take a minute...

ten tops. [Louder] As soon as

guilty-mc-guilterson over here

confesses. [Casually] We can

go get some frozen yogurt and

get to know each other better.

Suspect: Is this a date?

Allison: [Angrily] Listen buddy...

I put my work first, so if I get

called in, of course I'm going to

bring my Tinder date.

[Casually] You understand, right?

Man: [Hesitates] Totally.

Allison: 'Cause there's a place

in my life for someone to come

second, like a close second.

Suspect: Did you even put

any effort into tonight?

Look at your outfit. Look at

your hair.

Allison: [Angrily] I blow dried my hair

there is just a lot of it.

Man: I think you look beautiful.

Allison: You do?

Suspect: He's just saying that so he

can have sex with you and never call you

again.

Man: [Angrily] Would you please shut-up.

Allison: Uhh! [Out of breath] I'm sorry,

that was so hot.

Man: I guess the interrogation is really

getting me going.

Allison: Me too!

Both laugh

Suspect: You've got to be kidding me.

Allison: Do you want to...like...

give it a wirl?

Man. Sure.

Both laugh

Allison: Yeah 'cause I already know

that he's guilty so it doesn't matter.

Man: Okay...If you could talk to

any person [raising voice] living or dead,

who would it be?

Suspect: It certainly wouldn't be my

dead wife or her dead boyfriend.

Not that I know anything about any other

bodies that you guys may find around

my apartment tonight or going forward.

Man: If you could be an animal for a day,

what would it be?

Suspect: [Shouting] I loved that dog!

[Quieter] She was going to take him

away from me. [Louder] Her boyfriend

doesn't even like dogs. Who doesn't

like dogs?

[Loud] The people I murder!

Man: Did he...was that a confession?

Allison: Doesn't matter, because I know

exactly what happened. You found

out that your wife was cheating on you

with her [unintelligible], Steven. But

It wasn't her fault because you couldn't

sexually satisfy you because you have a...

[Quiter] ...micropenis.

To add salt to the wound, you were banging

your small Pekingese "rascal" [Odd pronucniation]].

Most people pronounce it rascal,

but you're an arrogant asshole.

Somehow you've even failed to satisfy

that little dog.

[Whispering] How small is it?

[Loudly] You killed all three!

Upbeat music

Suspect: [Shouting] What is wrong with you!

I didn't fuck my dog...murder my wife

and her boyfriend, of course.

I'm not a monster.

Allison: That's how you get a confession.

Man: That was amazing.

Suspect: [Shouting] I don't have a micropenis!

It's statistically average.

Allison: [Happily] I'm great at my job.

I just suck at love.

Man: Oh yeah? Profile me.

What am I thinking right now?

Allison: You're wondering what it would

to be like to be inside a Pekingese...

Man: [Interupting, disturbed] No!

Oh God, no! I was just thinking

I was going to kiss you.

Allison: Oh! No! No! No!

Did I ruin it? Let me fix it.

[Whispering] Do you want to see

a naked body?

Man: Uh, yeah. I'd like that, yeah. laughs

Allison: Great. Let's go downtown.

Man: I didn't think you meant a dead

naked body.

Allison: What did you think I meant.

I'm a cop.

I'm having a really nice time.

Man retches

Upbeat music