The only wrong you can do is not doing anything: Geo at TEDxCopenhagen

Why do we find it so hard to communicate with people who are seriously ill? When Geo, a stand-up comedian was diagnosed with cancer he experienced in every aspect how awkward people behave when having to deal with a person who has a potentially fatal disease. How should the surroundings react? How should they communicate with a sick friend, husband or son? Geo's talk deals with this matter through his first hand experiences with the subject.

Two years ago, I studied Latin

and realized that I've been
diagnosed with cancer.

At least that it felt like
I had to study Latin

to understand what the doctor
who just examined me was saying.

He says, "You have testis cancer."

I say, "I have to test what, to get what?"
(Laughter)

"No no no, no you have testis cancer."

Testicular cancer,
testis is in Latin, means testicular.

I don't know if it were
because of my obvious Latin look.

(Laughter)

He felt the need to tell me in Latin
what the problem was.

And — actually as a comedian
for the last 16 years,

I found it quite ironic that he told me
I might die in a language that's dead.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

But this little Latin session
actually became quite symbolic to me,

when I experienced the following
one and a half years,

as I realized how hard it is for people

to talk to people
who have a serious illness,

and not just for you and me
but also for doctors.

And it really became clear to me
when the cancer spread to my lung

that even my wife and mother
became awkward

about the communication with me.

My wife withdrew and held back

and she didn't want to ask me
too many questions of how I felt,

and she was afraid
to put too much stress on me,

and my mom, she was
a seriously concerned mom,

no one wants to see her child sick.

So she was too uncomfortable
about calling me,

and —

so we decided that I should just call her
when I had the energy to do it.

But if there's someone

you really want to be in charge with
when you're sick

is your mom and you wife.

You want a thousand questions a day,

and you want a thousand missed calls
from your mother a day.

And I heard from a lot of my friends
they say,

"Yeah, we didn't want to contact you,

we're afraid we're going to cry
or you're going to cry,

we weren't certain that what we say
will be profound enough."

And my advice to anyone who knows
anyone who's seriously ill,

there's nothing you can say or do
that's wrong,

the only wrong you can do
it's doing nothing at all.

And just a small "I'm thinking of you"
is enough,

it doesn't have to be long [unclear].

And — my mom doesn't have
a mobile or a computer,

so she couldn't text me or send an email,

but you know we all have -
except for my mom,

(Laughter)
this little device here,

and if you know someone who's ill

you know, this is accessible 24/7.

Send them a text, an email,
a facebook, a twitter

and let them know that you are thinking
of them and their loved ones.

And you know I remember when I was -

it wasn't always I got hundreds
of messages from friends and family

and it wasn't always
I had the strength to read them,

but on good days
you know when I turn on my phone,

hearing these messages coming in
and seeing them

you know it really kept me going
and made my day.

And especially the ones
that made me laugh.

There was few moments where I laughed
I forgot that I was ill.

I'll give you an example:
I had long hair

I had to go through chemotherapy
and lost my hair,

I had long hair for 20 years,
it was my brand, it was my image,

and I got a text from a stand-up comedian
one of my colleagues

with a picture of him
wearing a long hear wig,

(Laughter)

saying, "Don't worry my friend
I'll do your gigs for you,"

(Laughter)

"And of course keep the money."
(Laughter)

I worked at a radio station at the moment
and my boss came round

with 6 chocolate balls.

I had my testicles removed and —
(Laughter)

he thought I need a replacement
(Laughter)

and they're all different sizes
as he didn't know my exact size.

(Laughter)

When I was declared cancer-free

which is 1 year and 8 days ago,

I posted on...
(Applause)

Thank you.
(Applause)

(Applause)

And I posted it on my Facebook
enthusiastically,

"Yeah I beat cancer, it's so great,"

and I got 4000 likes,
4000 people like my update!

And I showed it to my nurse,
"Look, 4000 people like my update,"

She just looked and said,
"Well, you have 50,000 fans!"

(Laughter)

So does that mean that 46,000
was like 'Oh, fuck'?. (Laughter)

And I texted all my friends and family

150 to be exact,

and I said,
"Yeah I'm back, I'm alive, I beat cancer."

and 149 wrote back,

"That's amazing, that's amazing
we love you, we love life."

Except for one guy, my friend Uve,
from my university,

he wrote, "Oh dear Geo,
this is so great, good news.

I myself have been ill lately,
I've had a little bit of fever.

(Laughter)

And I've also been dizzy,
but I'm all right now!

(Laughter)

And I just booked tickets to Mexico,
It's going to be great."

I had to go back,
I wrote to Uve,

and he was,
"Yeah I've been struggling,

fighting against cancer
for the last 1 and half years,

I beat it, I might be mentally,
physically and financially broke,

but who cares I'm alive!"

"I've been a little bit dizzy."
(Laughter)

But it just shows, I mean,
these four examples

show how extreme it can be

and still, you know they all meant well,

Uve meant well, his text
might have been a bit off (Laughter)

but it certainly made me glad

and it made me laugh for sure.
(Laughter)

But my point is Uve did something

and I see - now I've my phone out

and I see you have your phones out,

and I'm done here in a few seconds and -

when I'm done I want you to

text or call a person
who needs to hear from you.

And remember, you can't do
or say anything wrong

the only wrong you could do is
not doing anything.

Thank you very much.

(Applause)

(Cheers)