A Saudi, an Indian and an Iranian walk into a Qatari bar ...
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0:01 - 0:03Hello, Doha. Hello!
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0:04 - 0:05Salaam alaikum.
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0:06 - 0:11I love coming to Doha.
It's such an international place. -
0:11 - 0:14It feels like the United Nations here.
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0:14 - 0:18You land at the airport,
and you're welcomed by an Indian lady -
0:18 - 0:22who takes you to Al Maha Services,
where you meet a Filipino lady -
0:22 - 0:24who hands you off to a South African lady
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0:24 - 0:26who then takes you to a Korean
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0:26 - 0:28who takes you to a Pakistani guy
with the luggage -
0:28 - 0:30who takes you to the car
with a Sri Lankan. -
0:30 - 0:33You go to the hotel and you check in.
There's a Lebanese. -
0:33 - 0:36Yeah? And then a Swedish guy
showed me my room. -
0:36 - 0:38I said, "Where are the Qataris?"
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0:38 - 0:40(Laughter)
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0:40 - 0:43(Applause)
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0:43 - 0:46They said, "No, no, it's too hot.
They come out later. They're smart." -
0:46 - 0:47"They know."
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0:47 - 0:49(Laughter)
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0:49 - 0:53And of course, it's growing so fast,
sometimes there's growing pains. -
0:53 - 0:55You know, like sometimes
you run into people -
0:55 - 0:59that you think know the city well,
but they don't know it that well. -
0:59 - 1:01My Indian cab driver showed up at the W,
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1:01 - 1:03and I asked him to take me
to the Sheraton, -
1:03 - 1:05and he said, "No problem, sir."
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1:06 - 1:08And then we sat there for two minutes.
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1:08 - 1:11I said, "What's wrong?"
He said, "One problem, sir." -
1:11 - 1:12(Laughter)
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1:12 - 1:14I said, "What?" He goes, "Where is it?"
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1:14 - 1:16(Laughter)
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1:16 - 1:18I go, "You're the driver,
you should know." -
1:18 - 1:20He goes, "No, I just arrived, sir."
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1:20 - 1:24I go, "You just arrived at the W?"
"No, I just arrived in Doha, sir." -
1:24 - 1:25(Laughter)
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1:25 - 1:27"I was on my way home from the airport,
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1:27 - 1:28I got a job. I'm working already."
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1:28 - 1:30(Laughter)
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1:30 - 1:32He goes, "Sir, why don't you drive?"
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1:32 - 1:33(Laughter)
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1:33 - 1:35"I don't know where we're going."
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1:35 - 1:37"Neither do I. It will be
an adventure, sir." -
1:37 - 1:39(Laughter)
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1:40 - 1:43The Middle East has been
an adventure the past couple of years. -
1:43 - 1:46It is going crazy with the Arab Spring
and revolution and all this. -
1:46 - 1:49Are there any Lebanese
here tonight, by applause? -
1:49 - 1:50(Cheering)
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1:50 - 1:51Lebanese, yeah.
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1:51 - 1:53The Middle East is going crazy.
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1:53 - 1:55You know the Middle East is going crazy
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1:55 - 1:57when Lebanon is the most peaceful
place in the region. -
1:57 - 2:00(Laughter) (Applause)
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2:00 - 2:01Who would have thought?
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2:01 - 2:03(Laughter)
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2:03 - 2:04Oh my gosh.
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2:05 - 2:07No, there's serious issues in the region.
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2:07 - 2:11Some people don't want to talk about them.
I'm here to talk about them tonight. -
2:11 - 2:14Ladies and gentlemen of the Middle East,
here's a serious issue. -
2:14 - 2:16When we see each other, when we say hello,
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2:16 - 2:18how many kisses are we going to do?
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2:18 - 2:19(Laughter)
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2:19 - 2:22Every country is different
and it's confusing, okay? -
2:22 - 2:24In Lebanon, they do three.
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2:24 - 2:25In Egypt, they do two.
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2:25 - 2:28I was in Lebanon, I got used to three.
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2:28 - 2:31I went to Egypt. I went to say hello
to this one Egyptian guy, -
2:31 - 2:33I went, one, two. I went for three --
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2:33 - 2:34He wasn't into it.
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2:34 - 2:39(Laughter)
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2:39 - 2:42I told him, I said, "No, no,
I was just in Lebanon." -
2:42 - 2:45He goes, "I don't care where you were.
You just stay where you are, please." -
2:45 - 2:47(Laughter) (Applause)
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2:49 - 2:50I went to Saudi Arabia.
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2:50 - 2:54In Saudi Arabia, they go one, two,
and then they stay on the same side: -
2:54 - 2:56three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, -
2:56 - 2:5910, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 --
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2:59 - 3:02(Laughter)
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3:02 - 3:04Next time you see a Saudi, look closely.
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3:04 - 3:05They're just a little bit tilted.
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3:05 - 3:07(Laughter)
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3:07 - 3:08"Abdul, are you okay?"
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3:08 - 3:11"I was saying hello
for half an hour. I'll be all right." -
3:11 - 3:12(Laughter)
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3:13 - 3:16Qataris, you guys do the nose to nose.
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3:16 - 3:19Why is that? Are you too tired
to go all the way around? -
3:19 - 3:20(Laughter)
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3:20 - 3:23"Habibi, it's so hot. Just come here
for a second. Say hello. -
3:23 - 3:26Hello, Habibi. Just don't move.
Just stay there, please. -
3:26 - 3:27I need to rest."
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3:27 - 3:29(Laughter)
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3:29 - 3:33Iranians, sometimes we do two,
sometimes we do three. -
3:34 - 3:37A friend of mine explained to me,
before the '79 revolution, it was two. -
3:37 - 3:38(Laughter)
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3:38 - 3:40After the revolution, three.
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3:40 - 3:43So with Iranians, you can tell
whose side the person is on -
3:43 - 3:45based on the number
of kisses they give you. -
3:45 - 3:49Yeah, if you go one, two, three --
"I can't believe you support this regime!" -
3:49 - 3:50(Laughter)
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3:50 - 3:51"With your three kisses."
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3:51 - 3:54(Laughter)
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3:54 - 3:56But no, guys, really,
it is exciting to be here, -
3:56 - 3:59and like I said, you guys
are doing a lot culturally, -
3:59 - 4:01you know, and it's amazing,
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4:01 - 4:04and it helps change the image
of the Middle East in the West. -
4:04 - 4:07A lot of Americans don't know
a lot about us, about the Middle East. -
4:07 - 4:11I'm Iranian and American. I'm there.
I know, I've traveled here. -
4:11 - 4:12There's so much, we laugh, right?
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4:13 - 4:14People don't know we laugh.
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4:14 - 4:17When I did the Axis of Evil comedy tour,
it came out on Comedy Central, -
4:17 - 4:19I went online to see
what people were saying. -
4:19 - 4:21I ended up on a conservative website.
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4:21 - 4:25One guy wrote another guy. He said,
"I never knew these people laughed." -
4:25 - 4:29Think about it. You never see us laughing
in American film or television, right? -
4:29 - 4:31Maybe like an evil laugh: "Wuhahaha."
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4:31 - 4:33(Laughter)
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4:33 - 4:36"I will kill you in the name
of Allah, wuhahahahaha." -
4:36 - 4:37(Laughter)
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4:37 - 4:39But never like, "Ha ha ha ha la."
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4:39 - 4:41(Laughter)
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4:41 - 4:43We like to laugh.
We like to celebrate life. -
4:43 - 4:45And I wish more Americans
would travel here. -
4:45 - 4:47I always encourage my friends:
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4:47 - 4:48"Travel, see the Middle East,
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4:48 - 4:50there's so much to see,
so many good people." -
4:50 - 4:53And it's vice versa,
and it helps stop problems -
4:53 - 4:56of misunderstanding
and stereotypes from happening. -
4:56 - 4:58For example, I don't know
if you heard about this, -
4:58 - 5:01a little while ago in the US,
there was a Muslim family -
5:01 - 5:03walking down the aisle of an airplane,
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5:03 - 5:05talking about the safest place
to sit on the plane. -
5:05 - 5:07Some passengers overheard them,
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5:07 - 5:10somehow misconstrued that
as terrorist talk, -
5:10 - 5:12got them kicked off the plane.
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5:12 - 5:15It was a family, a mother, father, child,
talking about the seating. -
5:15 - 5:17As a Middle Eastern male,
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5:17 - 5:19I know there's certain things
I'm not supposed to say -
5:20 - 5:21on an airplane in the US, right?
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5:21 - 5:23I'm not supposed to be
walking down the aisle, -
5:23 - 5:25and be like, "Hi, Jack." That's not cool.
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5:25 - 5:27(Laughter)
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5:27 - 5:29Even if I'm there with my friend
named Jack, I say, -
5:29 - 5:31"Greetings, Jack. Salutations, Jack."
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5:32 - 5:33Never "Hi, Jack."
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5:33 - 5:36(Laughter)
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5:36 - 5:38But now, apparently we can't even talk
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5:38 - 5:40about the safest place
to sit on an airplane. -
5:41 - 5:44So my advice to all my Middle Eastern
friends and Muslim friends -
5:44 - 5:46and anyone who looks
Middle Eastern or Muslim, -
5:46 - 5:50so to, you know, Indians, and Latinos,
everyone, if you're brown -- -
5:50 - 5:51(Laughter)
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5:51 - 5:54Here's my advice to my brown friends.
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5:54 - 5:55(Laughter)
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5:55 - 5:57The next time you're
on an airplane in the US, -
5:57 - 5:59just speak your mother tongue.
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5:59 - 6:02That way no one knows
what you're saying. Life goes on. -
6:02 - 6:03(Laughter)
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6:03 - 6:06Granted, some mother tongues
might sound a little threatening -
6:06 - 6:07to the average American.
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6:07 - 6:09If you're walking
down the aisle speaking Arabic, -
6:09 - 6:11you might freak them out --
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6:11 - 6:13(Imitating Arabic)
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6:13 - 6:15They might say, "What's he talking about?"
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6:15 - 6:17The key, to my Arab brothers and sisters,
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6:17 - 6:20is to throw in random
good words to put people at ease -
6:20 - 6:21as you're walking down the aisle.
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6:21 - 6:23Just as you're walking down --
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6:23 - 6:24(Imitating Arabic)
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6:24 - 6:25Strawberry!
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6:25 - 6:32(Laughter)
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6:32 - 6:34(Imitating Arabic)
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6:34 - 6:35Rainbow!
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6:35 - 6:37(Laughter)
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6:37 - 6:38(Imitating Arabic)
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6:38 - 6:40Tutti Frutti!
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6:40 - 6:41(Laughter)
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6:41 - 6:44"I think he's going to hijack
the plane with some ice cream." -
6:44 - 6:46Thank you very much. Have a good night.
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6:46 - 6:47Thank you, TED.
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6:47 - 6:51(Cheers) (Applause)
- Title:
- A Saudi, an Indian and an Iranian walk into a Qatari bar ...
- Speaker:
- Maz Jobrani
- Description:
-
Iranian-American comedian Maz Jobrani takes to the TEDxSummit stage in Doha, Qatar to take on serious issues in the Middle East -- like how many kisses to give when saying “Hi,” and what not to say on an American airplane.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 07:11
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for A Saudi, an Indian and an Iranian walk into a Qatari bar ... | ||
Krystian Aparta commented on English subtitles for A Saudi, an Indian and an Iranian walk into a Qatari bar ... | ||
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for A Saudi, an Indian and an Iranian walk into a Qatari bar ... | ||
Thu-Huong Ha edited English subtitles for A Saudi, an Indian and an Iranian walk into a Qatari bar ... | ||
Thu-Huong Ha approved English subtitles for A Saudi, an Indian and an Iranian walk into a Qatari bar ... | ||
Thu-Huong Ha edited English subtitles for A Saudi, an Indian and an Iranian walk into a Qatari bar ... | ||
Thu-Huong Ha edited English subtitles for A Saudi, an Indian and an Iranian walk into a Qatari bar ... | ||
Thu-Huong Ha edited English subtitles for A Saudi, an Indian and an Iranian walk into a Qatari bar ... |
Krystian Aparta
The English transcript was updated on 6/22/2015.