WEBVTT 00:00:00.857 --> 00:00:02.690 Hello, Doha. Hello! 00:00:03.655 --> 00:00:04.805 Salaam alaikum. NOTE Paragraph 00:00:06.460 --> 00:00:10.806 I love coming to Doha. It's such an international place. 00:00:10.830 --> 00:00:14.358 It feels like the United Nations here. 00:00:14.382 --> 00:00:17.651 You land at the airport, and you're welcomed by an Indian lady 00:00:17.675 --> 00:00:21.538 who takes you to Al Maha Services, where you meet a Filipino lady 00:00:21.562 --> 00:00:23.776 who hands you off to a South African lady 00:00:23.800 --> 00:00:25.523 who then takes you to a Korean 00:00:25.547 --> 00:00:28.344 who takes you to a Pakistani guy with the luggage 00:00:28.368 --> 00:00:30.382 who takes you to the car with a Sri Lankan. 00:00:30.406 --> 00:00:33.216 You go to the hotel and you check in. There's a Lebanese. 00:00:33.240 --> 00:00:36.420 Yeah? And then a Swedish guy showed me my room. NOTE Paragraph 00:00:36.444 --> 00:00:38.266 I said, "Where are the Qataris?" NOTE Paragraph 00:00:38.290 --> 00:00:39.936 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:00:39.960 --> 00:00:42.906 (Applause) NOTE Paragraph 00:00:42.930 --> 00:00:46.265 They said, "No, no, it's too hot. They come out later. They're smart." 00:00:46.289 --> 00:00:47.440 "They know." NOTE Paragraph 00:00:47.464 --> 00:00:49.180 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:00:49.204 --> 00:00:52.993 And of course, it's growing so fast, sometimes there's growing pains. 00:00:53.017 --> 00:00:55.295 You know, like sometimes you run into people 00:00:55.319 --> 00:00:58.580 that you think know the city well, but they don't know it that well. 00:00:58.604 --> 00:01:01.176 My Indian cab driver showed up at the W, 00:01:01.200 --> 00:01:03.467 and I asked him to take me to the Sheraton, 00:01:03.491 --> 00:01:05.122 and he said, "No problem, sir." 00:01:06.018 --> 00:01:08.081 And then we sat there for two minutes. NOTE Paragraph 00:01:08.105 --> 00:01:10.609 I said, "What's wrong?" He said, "One problem, sir." NOTE Paragraph 00:01:10.633 --> 00:01:11.672 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:01:11.696 --> 00:01:13.561 I said, "What?" He goes, "Where is it?" NOTE Paragraph 00:01:13.585 --> 00:01:15.998 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:01:16.022 --> 00:01:18.061 I go, "You're the driver, you should know." NOTE Paragraph 00:01:18.085 --> 00:01:19.815 He goes, "No, I just arrived, sir." NOTE Paragraph 00:01:20.466 --> 00:01:23.705 I go, "You just arrived at the W?" "No, I just arrived in Doha, sir." NOTE Paragraph 00:01:23.729 --> 00:01:24.767 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:01:24.791 --> 00:01:26.688 "I was on my way home from the airport, 00:01:26.712 --> 00:01:28.339 I got a job. I'm working already." NOTE Paragraph 00:01:28.363 --> 00:01:29.854 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:01:29.878 --> 00:01:32.018 He goes, "Sir, why don't you drive?" NOTE Paragraph 00:01:32.042 --> 00:01:33.070 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:01:33.094 --> 00:01:34.674 "I don't know where we're going." NOTE Paragraph 00:01:34.698 --> 00:01:36.802 "Neither do I. It will be an adventure, sir." NOTE Paragraph 00:01:36.826 --> 00:01:38.618 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:01:39.670 --> 00:01:43.276 The Middle East has been an adventure the past couple of years. 00:01:43.300 --> 00:01:46.451 It is going crazy with the Arab Spring and revolution and all this. 00:01:46.475 --> 00:01:48.853 Are there any Lebanese here tonight, by applause? NOTE Paragraph 00:01:48.877 --> 00:01:49.886 (Cheering) NOTE Paragraph 00:01:49.910 --> 00:01:51.062 Lebanese, yeah. NOTE Paragraph 00:01:51.086 --> 00:01:52.593 The Middle East is going crazy. 00:01:52.617 --> 00:01:54.538 You know the Middle East is going crazy 00:01:54.562 --> 00:01:57.251 when Lebanon is the most peaceful place in the region. NOTE Paragraph 00:01:57.275 --> 00:01:59.839 (Laughter) (Applause) NOTE Paragraph 00:01:59.863 --> 00:02:01.259 Who would have thought? NOTE Paragraph 00:02:01.283 --> 00:02:02.776 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:02:02.800 --> 00:02:04.313 Oh my gosh. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:04.948 --> 00:02:06.908 No, there's serious issues in the region. 00:02:06.932 --> 00:02:10.654 Some people don't want to talk about them. I'm here to talk about them tonight. 00:02:10.678 --> 00:02:13.693 Ladies and gentlemen of the Middle East, here's a serious issue. 00:02:13.717 --> 00:02:16.027 When we see each other, when we say hello, 00:02:16.051 --> 00:02:17.800 how many kisses are we going to do? NOTE Paragraph 00:02:17.824 --> 00:02:19.275 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:02:19.299 --> 00:02:21.776 Every country is different and it's confusing, okay? 00:02:21.800 --> 00:02:23.606 In Lebanon, they do three. 00:02:23.630 --> 00:02:25.337 In Egypt, they do two. 00:02:25.361 --> 00:02:27.609 I was in Lebanon, I got used to three. 00:02:27.949 --> 00:02:31.245 I went to Egypt. I went to say hello to this one Egyptian guy, 00:02:31.269 --> 00:02:33.117 I went, one, two. I went for three -- 00:02:33.141 --> 00:02:34.345 He wasn't into it. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:34.369 --> 00:02:39.267 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:02:39.291 --> 00:02:41.743 I told him, I said, "No, no, I was just in Lebanon." 00:02:41.767 --> 00:02:45.371 He goes, "I don't care where you were. You just stay where you are, please." NOTE Paragraph 00:02:45.395 --> 00:02:47.404 (Laughter) (Applause) NOTE Paragraph 00:02:49.005 --> 00:02:50.358 I went to Saudi Arabia. 00:02:50.382 --> 00:02:53.786 In Saudi Arabia, they go one, two, and then they stay on the same side: 00:02:53.810 --> 00:02:56.327 three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 00:02:56.351 --> 00:02:59.044 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 -- NOTE Paragraph 00:02:59.068 --> 00:03:01.735 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:03:01.759 --> 00:03:03.681 Next time you see a Saudi, look closely. 00:03:03.705 --> 00:03:05.375 They're just a little bit tilted. NOTE Paragraph 00:03:05.399 --> 00:03:07.093 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:03:07.117 --> 00:03:08.291 "Abdul, are you okay?" NOTE Paragraph 00:03:08.315 --> 00:03:10.983 "I was saying hello for half an hour. I'll be all right." NOTE Paragraph 00:03:11.007 --> 00:03:12.157 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:03:12.768 --> 00:03:15.735 Qataris, you guys do the nose to nose. 00:03:16.218 --> 00:03:19.043 Why is that? Are you too tired to go all the way around? NOTE Paragraph 00:03:19.067 --> 00:03:20.103 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:03:20.127 --> 00:03:23.223 "Habibi, it's so hot. Just come here for a second. Say hello. 00:03:23.247 --> 00:03:25.989 Hello, Habibi. Just don't move. Just stay there, please. 00:03:26.013 --> 00:03:27.239 I need to rest." NOTE Paragraph 00:03:27.263 --> 00:03:29.378 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:03:29.402 --> 00:03:33.490 Iranians, sometimes we do two, sometimes we do three. 00:03:33.514 --> 00:03:36.953 A friend of mine explained to me, before the '79 revolution, it was two. NOTE Paragraph 00:03:36.977 --> 00:03:38.014 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:03:38.038 --> 00:03:40.000 After the revolution, three. 00:03:40.024 --> 00:03:42.749 So with Iranians, you can tell whose side the person is on 00:03:42.773 --> 00:03:44.857 based on the number of kisses they give you. 00:03:44.881 --> 00:03:48.524 Yeah, if you go one, two, three -- "I can't believe you support this regime!" NOTE Paragraph 00:03:48.548 --> 00:03:49.549 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:03:49.573 --> 00:03:51.097 "With your three kisses." NOTE Paragraph 00:03:51.121 --> 00:03:53.789 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:03:53.813 --> 00:03:56.294 But no, guys, really, it is exciting to be here, 00:03:56.318 --> 00:03:59.173 and like I said, you guys are doing a lot culturally, 00:03:59.197 --> 00:04:00.868 you know, and it's amazing, 00:04:00.892 --> 00:04:03.753 and it helps change the image of the Middle East in the West. 00:04:03.777 --> 00:04:07.297 A lot of Americans don't know a lot about us, about the Middle East. 00:04:07.321 --> 00:04:10.760 I'm Iranian and American. I'm there. I know, I've traveled here. 00:04:10.784 --> 00:04:12.496 There's so much, we laugh, right? 00:04:12.520 --> 00:04:13.883 People don't know we laugh. 00:04:13.907 --> 00:04:17.248 When I did the Axis of Evil comedy tour, it came out on Comedy Central, 00:04:17.272 --> 00:04:19.380 I went online to see what people were saying. 00:04:19.404 --> 00:04:21.191 I ended up on a conservative website. 00:04:21.215 --> 00:04:24.597 One guy wrote another guy. He said, "I never knew these people laughed." 00:04:25.036 --> 00:04:28.846 Think about it. You never see us laughing in American film or television, right? 00:04:28.870 --> 00:04:31.464 Maybe like an evil laugh: "Wuhahaha." NOTE Paragraph 00:04:31.488 --> 00:04:32.539 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:04:32.563 --> 00:04:35.666 "I will kill you in the name of Allah, wuhahahahaha." NOTE Paragraph 00:04:35.690 --> 00:04:36.848 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:04:36.872 --> 00:04:38.773 But never like, "Ha ha ha ha la." NOTE Paragraph 00:04:38.797 --> 00:04:40.524 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:04:40.548 --> 00:04:43.211 We like to laugh. We like to celebrate life. 00:04:43.235 --> 00:04:45.291 And I wish more Americans would travel here. 00:04:45.315 --> 00:04:46.759 I always encourage my friends: 00:04:46.783 --> 00:04:48.233 "Travel, see the Middle East, 00:04:48.257 --> 00:04:50.399 there's so much to see, so many good people." 00:04:50.423 --> 00:04:52.673 And it's vice versa, and it helps stop problems 00:04:52.697 --> 00:04:55.720 of misunderstanding and stereotypes from happening. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:55.744 --> 00:04:58.098 For example, I don't know if you heard about this, 00:04:58.122 --> 00:05:00.756 a little while ago in the US, there was a Muslim family 00:05:00.780 --> 00:05:02.771 walking down the aisle of an airplane, 00:05:02.795 --> 00:05:05.189 talking about the safest place to sit on the plane. 00:05:05.490 --> 00:05:07.047 Some passengers overheard them, 00:05:07.071 --> 00:05:10.317 somehow misconstrued that as terrorist talk, 00:05:10.341 --> 00:05:12.133 got them kicked off the plane. 00:05:12.157 --> 00:05:15.443 It was a family, a mother, father, child, talking about the seating. 00:05:15.467 --> 00:05:16.723 As a Middle Eastern male, 00:05:16.747 --> 00:05:19.493 I know there's certain things I'm not supposed to say 00:05:19.517 --> 00:05:21.206 on an airplane in the US, right? 00:05:21.230 --> 00:05:23.405 I'm not supposed to be walking down the aisle, 00:05:23.429 --> 00:05:25.437 and be like, "Hi, Jack." That's not cool. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:25.461 --> 00:05:26.883 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:05:26.907 --> 00:05:29.336 Even if I'm there with my friend named Jack, I say, 00:05:29.360 --> 00:05:31.316 "Greetings, Jack. Salutations, Jack." 00:05:31.844 --> 00:05:33.039 Never "Hi, Jack." NOTE Paragraph 00:05:33.063 --> 00:05:35.956 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:05:35.980 --> 00:05:38.168 But now, apparently we can't even talk 00:05:38.192 --> 00:05:40.368 about the safest place to sit on an airplane. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:40.693 --> 00:05:43.778 So my advice to all my Middle Eastern friends and Muslim friends 00:05:43.802 --> 00:05:46.089 and anyone who looks Middle Eastern or Muslim, 00:05:46.113 --> 00:05:49.611 so to, you know, Indians, and Latinos, everyone, if you're brown -- NOTE Paragraph 00:05:49.635 --> 00:05:51.323 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:05:51.347 --> 00:05:53.609 Here's my advice to my brown friends. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:53.633 --> 00:05:54.686 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:05:54.710 --> 00:05:57.079 The next time you're on an airplane in the US, 00:05:57.103 --> 00:05:58.720 just speak your mother tongue. 00:05:59.132 --> 00:06:01.710 That way no one knows what you're saying. Life goes on. NOTE Paragraph 00:06:01.734 --> 00:06:02.756 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:06:02.780 --> 00:06:05.689 Granted, some mother tongues might sound a little threatening 00:06:05.713 --> 00:06:06.875 to the average American. 00:06:06.899 --> 00:06:09.208 If you're walking down the aisle speaking Arabic, 00:06:09.232 --> 00:06:10.594 you might freak them out -- NOTE Paragraph 00:06:10.618 --> 00:06:12.920 (Imitating Arabic) NOTE Paragraph 00:06:12.944 --> 00:06:14.999 They might say, "What's he talking about?" 00:06:15.023 --> 00:06:17.012 The key, to my Arab brothers and sisters, 00:06:17.036 --> 00:06:19.576 is to throw in random good words to put people at ease 00:06:19.600 --> 00:06:21.184 as you're walking down the aisle. 00:06:21.208 --> 00:06:22.638 Just as you're walking down -- NOTE Paragraph 00:06:22.662 --> 00:06:24.007 (Imitating Arabic) NOTE Paragraph 00:06:24.031 --> 00:06:25.209 Strawberry! NOTE Paragraph 00:06:25.233 --> 00:06:32.169 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:06:32.416 --> 00:06:33.902 (Imitating Arabic) NOTE Paragraph 00:06:33.926 --> 00:06:35.077 Rainbow! NOTE Paragraph 00:06:35.101 --> 00:06:37.070 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:06:37.094 --> 00:06:38.351 (Imitating Arabic) NOTE Paragraph 00:06:38.375 --> 00:06:39.526 Tutti Frutti! NOTE Paragraph 00:06:39.550 --> 00:06:40.660 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:06:40.684 --> 00:06:43.826 "I think he's going to hijack the plane with some ice cream." NOTE Paragraph 00:06:43.850 --> 00:06:45.790 Thank you very much. Have a good night. 00:06:45.814 --> 00:06:46.965 Thank you, TED. NOTE Paragraph 00:06:46.989 --> 00:06:50.817 (Cheers) (Applause)