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Hello, Doha. Hello!

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Salaam alaikum.

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I love coming to Doha.[br]It's such an international place.

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It feels like the United Nations here.

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You land at the airport,[br]and you're welcomed by an Indian lady

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who takes you to Al Maha Services,[br]where you meet a Filipino lady

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who hands you off to a South African lady

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who then takes you to a Korean

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who takes you to a Pakistani guy[br]with the luggage

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who takes you to the car[br]with a Sri Lankan.

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You go to the hotel and you check in.[br]There's a Lebanese.

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Yeah? And then a Swedish guy[br]showed me my room.

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I said, "Where are the Qataris?"

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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They said, "No, no, it's too hot.[br]They come out later. They're smart."

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"They know."

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(Laughter)

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And of course, it's growing so fast,[br]sometimes there's growing pains.

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You know, like sometimes[br]you run into people

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that you think know the city well,[br]but they don't know it that well.

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My Indian cab driver showed up at the W,

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and I asked him to take me[br]to the Sheraton,

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and he said, "No problem, sir."

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And then we sat there for two minutes.

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I said, "What's wrong?"[br]He said, "One problem, sir."

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(Laughter)

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I said, "What?" He goes, "Where is it?"

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(Laughter)

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I go, "You're the driver,[br]you should know."

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He goes, "No, I just arrived, sir."

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I go, "You just arrived at the W?"[br]"No, I just arrived in Doha, sir."

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(Laughter)

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"I was on my way home from the airport,

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I got a job. I'm working already."

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(Laughter)

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He goes, "Sir, why don't you drive?"

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(Laughter)

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"I don't know where we're going."

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"Neither do I. It will be[br]an adventure, sir."

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(Laughter)

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The Middle East has been[br]an adventure the past couple of years.

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It is going crazy with the Arab Spring[br]and revolution and all this.

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Are there any Lebanese[br]here tonight, by applause?

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(Cheering)

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Lebanese, yeah.

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The Middle East is going crazy.

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You know the Middle East is going crazy

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when Lebanon is the most peaceful[br]place in the region.

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(Laughter) (Applause)

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Who would have thought?

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(Laughter)

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Oh my gosh.

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No, there's serious issues in the region.

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Some people don't want to talk about them.[br]I'm here to talk about them tonight.

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Ladies and gentlemen of the Middle East,[br]here's a serious issue.

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When we see each other, when we say hello,

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how many kisses are we going to do?

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(Laughter)

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Every country is different[br]and it's confusing, okay?

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In Lebanon, they do three.

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In Egypt, they do two.

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I was in Lebanon, I got used to three.

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I went to Egypt. I went to say hello[br]to this one Egyptian guy,

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I went, one, two. I went for three --

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He wasn't into it.

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(Laughter)

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I told him, I said, "No, no,[br]I was just in Lebanon."

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He goes, "I don't care where you were.[br]You just stay where you are, please."

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(Laughter) (Applause)

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I went to Saudi Arabia.

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In Saudi Arabia, they go one, two,[br]and then they stay on the same side:

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three, four, five, six,[br]seven, eight, nine,

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10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 --

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(Laughter)

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Next time you see a Saudi, look closely.

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They're just a little bit tilted.

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(Laughter)

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"Abdul, are you okay?"

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"I was saying hello[br]for half an hour. I'll be all right."

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(Laughter)

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Qataris, you guys do the nose to nose.

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Why is that? Are you too tired[br]to go all the way around?

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(Laughter)

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"Habibi, it's so hot. Just come here[br]for a second. Say hello.

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Hello, Habibi. Just don't move.[br]Just stay there, please.

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I need to rest."

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(Laughter)

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Iranians, sometimes we do two,[br]sometimes we do three.

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A friend of mine explained to me,[br]before the '79 revolution, it was two.

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(Laughter)

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After the revolution, three.

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So with Iranians, you can tell[br]whose side the person is on

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based on the number[br]of kisses they give you.

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Yeah, if you go one, two, three --[br]"I can't believe you support this regime!"

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(Laughter)

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"With your three kisses."

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(Laughter)

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But no, guys, really,[br]it is exciting to be here,

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and like I said, you guys[br]are doing a lot culturally,

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you know, and it's amazing,

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and it helps change the image[br]of the Middle East in the West.

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A lot of Americans don't know[br]a lot about us, about the Middle East.

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I'm Iranian and American. I'm there.[br]I know, I've traveled here.

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There's so much, we laugh, right?

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People don't know we laugh.

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When I did the Axis of Evil comedy tour,[br]it came out on Comedy Central,

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I went online to see[br]what people were saying.

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I ended up on a conservative website.

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One guy wrote another guy. He said,[br]"I never knew these people laughed."

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Think about it. You never see us laughing[br]in American film or television, right?

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Maybe like an evil laugh: "Wuhahaha."

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(Laughter)

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"I will kill you in the name[br]of Allah, wuhahahahaha."

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(Laughter)

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But never like, "Ha ha ha ha la."

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(Laughter)

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We like to laugh.[br]We like to celebrate life.

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And I wish more Americans[br]would travel here.

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I always encourage my friends:

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"Travel, see the Middle East,

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there's so much to see,[br]so many good people."

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And it's vice versa,[br]and it helps stop problems

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of misunderstanding[br]and stereotypes from happening.

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For example, I don't know[br]if you heard about this,

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a little while ago in the US,[br]there was a Muslim family

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walking down the aisle of an airplane,

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talking about the safest place[br]to sit on the plane.

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Some passengers overheard them,

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somehow misconstrued that[br]as terrorist talk,

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got them kicked off the plane.

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It was a family, a mother, father, child,[br]talking about the seating.

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As a Middle Eastern male,

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I know there's certain things[br]I'm not supposed to say

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on an airplane in the US, right?

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I'm not supposed to be[br]walking down the aisle,

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and be like, "Hi, Jack." That's not cool.

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(Laughter)

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Even if I'm there with my friend[br]named Jack, I say,

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"Greetings, Jack. Salutations, Jack."

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Never "Hi, Jack."

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(Laughter)

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But now, apparently we can't even talk

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about the safest place[br]to sit on an airplane.

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So my advice to all my Middle Eastern[br]friends and Muslim friends

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and anyone who looks[br]Middle Eastern or Muslim,

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so to, you know, Indians, and Latinos,[br]everyone, if you're brown --

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(Laughter)

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Here's my advice to my brown friends.

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(Laughter)

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The next time you're[br]on an airplane in the US,

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just speak your mother tongue.

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That way no one knows[br]what you're saying. Life goes on.

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(Laughter)

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Granted, some mother tongues[br]might sound a little threatening

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to the average American.

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If you're walking[br]down the aisle speaking Arabic,

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you might freak them out --

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(Imitating Arabic)

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They might say, "What's he talking about?"

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The key, to my Arab brothers and sisters,

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is to throw in random[br]good words to put people at ease

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as you're walking down the aisle.

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Just as you're walking down --

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(Imitating Arabic)

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Strawberry!

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(Laughter)

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(Imitating Arabic)

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Rainbow!

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(Laughter)

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(Imitating Arabic)

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Tutti Frutti!

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(Laughter)

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"I think he's going to hijack[br]the plane with some ice cream."

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Thank you very much. Have a good night.

0:06:45.814,0:06:46.965
Thank you, TED.

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(Cheers) (Applause)