How to listen better - tips from a deaf guy | Stephen O'Keefe | TEDxStanleyPark
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0:16 - 0:21Do you know someone
with a listening problem? -
0:22 - 0:27Or are you that someone who
has a listening problem? -
0:28 - 0:33Poor listening leads to misunderstandings,
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0:34 - 0:36weaker relationships,
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0:36 - 0:38even wars.
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0:40 - 0:43By the way, I want you to know, I'm deaf.
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0:43 - 0:48I don't want you to think
I'm doing the world's worst -
0:48 - 0:51Arnold Schwarzenegger
impression ever -
0:52 - 0:55(Applause) (Cheers)
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0:57 - 1:01I'm here to share with you how to listen.
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1:01 - 1:04I know how weird this is.
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1:04 - 1:08A deaf person giving you listening tips.
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1:08 - 1:10(Laughter)
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1:10 - 1:12What's next?
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1:12 - 1:16A blind person giving
you decorating advice? -
1:16 - 1:18(Laughter)
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1:19 - 1:24Or Donald Trump
giving you hair care tips? -
1:24 - 1:28(Laughter) (Applause) (Cheers)
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1:31 - 1:37Do you feel like everything you say
goes in one ear and out the other? -
1:38 - 1:43Or in my case, in one
eye and out the other? -
1:43 - 1:45(Laughter)
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1:45 - 1:50Many years ago, I was
set up on a blind date -
1:50 - 1:53with my future wife, Ann-Marie.
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1:54 - 1:58She found out I was deaf before our date
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1:59 - 2:05so she bought a book called
"Sign Language for Dummies." -
2:05 - 2:07(Laughter)
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2:08 - 2:10How great is that?
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2:11 - 2:14(Applause)
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2:16 - 2:20Only problem is I don't
know any sign language. -
2:20 - 2:23(Laughter)
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2:24 - 2:26Except for the swear words.
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2:28 - 2:31So on our date I explained to Ann-Marie,
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2:31 - 2:35my parents raised me in a hearing world,
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2:35 - 2:39all I have to do is look
at you and read your lips. -
2:40 - 2:43And by the way, you have
the most beautiful lips. -
2:43 - 2:46(Laughter)
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2:47 - 2:51So our connection turned
into romance and love. -
2:51 - 2:54We have a wonderful son together.
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2:55 - 2:58(Applause)
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3:01 - 3:06And Ann-Marie says I hear better
than anyone she's ever met. -
3:06 - 3:08(Laughter)
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3:08 - 3:12But you know what? it hasn't
always been easy for me. -
3:12 - 3:14Nobody's life is.
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3:14 - 3:16I've had my challenges.
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3:16 - 3:20You've had yours, and I've had mine.
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3:20 - 3:23I've had to work so hard to communicate
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3:23 - 3:27because being left out
was out of the question. -
3:29 - 3:33My lowest point was
when I was 15 years old, -
3:33 - 3:36I'm with my best friend, Chris.
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3:36 - 3:41We're in Scouts together,
and people call us 'the twins,' -
3:41 - 3:46because we did everything
together, including Scouts. -
3:46 - 3:49I'm the only deaf person
in my Scout troop. -
3:50 - 3:53We're all going on a Scout camp together,
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3:54 - 4:00and on the second night
we're having a great time. -
4:00 - 4:04We built the mother of all bonfires.
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4:06 - 4:12It was so hot that Satan
would burn if he stood next to it. -
4:12 - 4:14(Laughter)
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4:14 - 4:19We were having fun,
we're swearing like drunken sailors. -
4:19 - 4:20(Laughter)
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4:20 - 4:24We're burning wieners to a crisp.
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4:24 - 4:26I'm sitting on a log with my buddies.
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4:27 - 4:28They're all talking,
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4:29 - 4:33and I'm having a really
hard time reading their lips, -
4:34 - 4:37especially in the fire's flickering light.
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4:38 - 4:42It's like putting together a jigsaw puzzle
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4:43 - 4:44with no photo.
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4:45 - 4:51All I know is that Chris has got some
amazing story about Mr. Brown. -
4:52 - 4:56By the time he's finished with his story,
my buddies are laughing. -
4:58 - 5:00I missed the punchline.
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5:01 - 5:05I go, "Chris, Chris!
What'd Mr. Brown say?" -
5:05 - 5:07He goes, "Nevermind."
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5:07 - 5:10"Chris! what did Mr. Brown say?"
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5:10 - 5:12"Nevermind."
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5:12 - 5:15So I go to another one of my buddies,
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5:15 - 5:18"Scott, what did Mr. Brown say?"
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5:18 - 5:19"Nevermind."
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5:20 - 5:23They did not see the hurt in my face,
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5:24 - 5:28that I really wanted
to know what was going on. -
5:29 - 5:32So I pulled out my flashlight
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5:32 - 5:34(Laughter)
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5:34 - 5:36so I could read Chris' lips.
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5:37 - 5:41I go, "Hey Chris, what did Mr. Brown say?"
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5:41 - 5:45Chris goes, "Ahhh! I can't see!"
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5:47 - 5:52And I wondered why nobody would talk
to me for the rest of the night. -
5:52 - 5:54(Laughter)
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5:55 - 5:58So I retreat back to my tent,
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5:58 - 6:00alone,
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6:00 - 6:04isolated; I feel like I'm left out.
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6:04 - 6:07They were talking, they were laughing.
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6:07 - 6:11If they saw the pain in my face,
and in my heart, -
6:12 - 6:15they would understand better.
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6:16 - 6:21Have you ever had any bad experiences
with poor listening? -
6:23 - 6:27We all pay a big price for poor listening.
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6:28 - 6:31Conflict, lack of respect,
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6:32 - 6:34lack of understanding,
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6:34 - 6:36lack of empathy.
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6:38 - 6:43I'm amazed that people
who can hear do not use their ears. -
6:44 - 6:49I may be deaf, but I figured out
a way to listen better, -
6:50 - 6:54and I'm excited to share
with you what I learned. -
6:55 - 6:57It's really simple.
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6:57 - 6:59It involves three steps.
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7:00 - 7:06Step one is to listen
with your full attention. -
7:07 - 7:10That means be in the moment.
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7:12 - 7:15Forget what everybody's
saying in response. -
7:15 - 7:18Be focused on the person.
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7:19 - 7:26When you do that, you give them
something we are all starved for: -
7:26 - 7:28Attention.
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7:29 - 7:33Two is to listen with your eyes.
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7:35 - 7:39That can be as simple
as looking at the person, -
7:40 - 7:44their body language, how
they're moving their arms, -
7:44 - 7:46their facial expressions.
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7:47 - 7:49For instance, if I am driving
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7:51 - 7:55and somebody down
the road goes, "Ahhh!", -
8:00 - 8:04that's pretty obvious what
they're trying to tell me. -
8:04 - 8:06(Laughter)
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8:06 - 8:10And it's time for me
to drive off the sidewalk. -
8:10 - 8:13(Laughter) (Applause)
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8:17 - 8:23I'm amazed, I'm amazed
at people who do not even -
8:23 - 8:26look at other people when they're talking.
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8:26 - 8:31If you give eye contact, in most cultures,
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8:31 - 8:34it's the ultimate form of connection.
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8:36 - 8:40The third thing you do
is listen with your heart. -
8:41 - 8:46Open your heart to receive
what the person has to say. -
8:47 - 8:50When you do that, you'll understand
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8:50 - 8:54where they're coming from,
their feelings, their emotions. -
8:56 - 9:00Sometimes they just want to be understood
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9:00 - 9:05without you trying to find
the bright side of things. -
9:06 - 9:09If someone goes to me, "I'm bankrupt!"
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9:11 - 9:15You never say this: "At least
you don't have to pay taxes!" -
9:15 - 9:18(Laughter)
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9:19 - 9:22And sometimes the words
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9:23 - 9:25do not match their meaning.
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9:27 - 9:32The other day my wife
bought a hideous bag. -
9:32 - 9:35(Laughter)
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9:35 - 9:38It looked like road kill.
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9:38 - 9:41(Laughter)
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9:41 - 9:42She goes,
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9:44 - 9:45"Stephen!
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9:49 - 9:50(Cheers)
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9:50 - 9:52What do you think of my bag?"
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9:52 - 9:55(Laughter)
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9:55 - 9:58She's not asking me for my opinion.
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9:58 - 10:01(Laughter)
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10:01 - 10:04She's fishing for a compliment!
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10:04 - 10:07(Laughter)
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10:07 - 10:11(Applause) (Cheers)
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10:16 - 10:20So, true listening involves:
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10:21 - 10:23listen with your attention,
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10:23 - 10:25listen with your eyes,
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10:26 - 10:28listen with your heart.
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10:28 - 10:31Being deaf I should be good at this,
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10:32 - 10:34but I need to practice.
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10:35 - 10:41The other day I was losing
yet another argument with my wife. -
10:41 - 10:43(Laughter)
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10:43 - 10:45So I do this.
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10:46 - 10:49(Laughter)
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10:50 - 10:51She does this.
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10:51 - 10:53"Stephen!
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10:54 - 10:55Stephen!
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10:55 - 10:58(Laughter)
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10:58 - 10:59Are you listening?
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10:59 - 11:02Stephen! Are you listening?"
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11:02 - 11:06(Laughter) (Applause) (Cheers)
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11:13 - 11:17So if you listen with
your eyes, your heart, -
11:17 - 11:21and your attention, you will
have stronger relationships. -
11:22 - 11:26Remember my friend Chris
who ignored me at the campfire? -
11:27 - 11:32As we got older, we learned
to listen to each other -
11:32 - 11:37with respect, understanding, and empathy.
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11:38 - 11:43We reconnected, and he was
the best man at my wedding. -
11:43 - 11:47(Applause)
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11:51 - 11:57My promise to you is that if you do
what I shared with you today, -
11:58 - 12:02the universe will open up
with so many possibilities. -
12:03 - 12:07People will want to hear
what you have to say, -
12:07 - 12:12so loud and clear that it's deafening!
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12:12 - 12:16(Applause) (Cheers)
- Title:
- How to listen better - tips from a deaf guy | Stephen O'Keefe | TEDxStanleyPark
- Description:
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It’s all about active listening. This means to listen with your full attention by being in the moment, to listen with your eyes by reading the person’s body language, and most importantly, to listen with your heart so that the other person feels understood. Sometimes what the other person says does not match what they mean. It comes down to three tips – 1. Listen with your attention. 2. Listen with your eyes. 3. Listen with your heart.
Stephen O’Keefe’s humorous and inspiring TEDx talk will help you listen better to connect with others. Stephen grew up deaf and doesn’t understand why people who can hear, don’t use their ears. Find out more about Stephen O’Keefe at www.stephenokeefe.net
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 12:31
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