WEBVTT

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Do you know someone
with a listening problem?

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Or are you that someone who
has a listening problem?

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Poor listening leads to misunderstandings,

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weaker relationships,

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even wars.

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By the way, I want you to know, I'm deaf.

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I don't want you to think
I'm doing the world's worst

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Arnold Schwarzenegger
impression ever

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(Applause) (Cheers)

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I'm here to share with you how to listen.

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I know how weird this is.

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A deaf person giving you listening tips.

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(Laughter)

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What's next?

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A blind person giving
you decorating advice?

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(Laughter)

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Or Donald Trump
giving you hair care tips?

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(Laughter) (Applause) (Cheers)

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Do you feel like everything you say
goes in one ear and out the other?

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Or in my case, in one
eye and out the other?

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(Laughter)

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Many years ago, I was
set up on a blind date

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with my future wife, Ann-Marie.

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She found out I was deaf before our date

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so she bought a book called
"Sign Language for Dummies."

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(Laughter)

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How great is that?

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(Applause)

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Only problem is I don't
know any sign language.

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(Laughter)

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Except for the swear words.

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So on our date I explained to Ann-Marie,

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my parents raised me in a hearing world,

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all I have to do is look
at you and read your lips.

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And by the way, you have
the most beautiful lips.

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(Laughter)

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So our connection turned
into romance and love.

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We have a wonderful son together.

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(Applause)

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And Ann-Marie says I hear better
than anyone she's ever met.

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(Laughter)

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But you know what? it hasn't
always been easy for me.

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Nobody's life is.

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I've had my challenges.

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You've had yours, and I've had mine.

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I've had to work so hard to communicate

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because being left out
was out of the question.

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My lowest point was
when I was 15 years old,

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I'm with my best friend, Chris.

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We're in Scouts together,
and people call us 'the twins,'

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because we did everything
together, including Scouts.

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I'm the only deaf person
in my Scout troop.

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We're all going on a Scout camp together,

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and on the second night
we're having a great time.

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We built the mother of all bonfires.

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It was so hot that Satan
would burn if he stood next to it.

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(Laughter)

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We were having fun,
we're swearing like drunken sailors.

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(Laughter)

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We're burning wieners to a crisp.

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I'm sitting on a log with my buddies.

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They're all talking,

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and I'm having a really
hard time reading their lips,

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especially in the fire's flickering light.

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It's like putting together a jigsaw puzzle

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with no photo.

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All I know is that Chris has got some
amazing story about Mr. Brown.

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By the time he's finished with his story,
my buddies are laughing.

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I missed the punchline.

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I go, "Chris, Chris!
What'd Mr. Brown say?"

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He goes, "Nevermind."

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"Chris! what did Mr. Brown say?"

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"Nevermind."

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So I go to another one of my buddies,

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"Scott, what did Mr. Brown say?"

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"Nevermind."

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They did not see the hurt in my face,

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that I really wanted
to know what was going on.

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So I pulled out my flashlight

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(Laughter)

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so I could read Chris' lips.

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I go, "Hey Chris, what did Mr. Brown say?"

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Chris goes, "Ahhh! I can't see!"

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And I wondered why nobody would talk
to me for the rest of the night.

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(Laughter)

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So I retreat back to my tent,

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alone,

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isolated; I feel like I'm left out.

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They were talking, they were laughing.

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If they saw the pain in my face,
and in my heart,

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they would understand better.

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Have you ever had any bad experiences
with poor listening?

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We all pay a big price for poor listening.

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Conflict, lack of respect,

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lack of understanding,

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lack of empathy.

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I'm amazed that people
who can hear do not use their ears.

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I may be deaf, but I figured out
a way to listen better,

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and I'm excited to share
with you what I learned.

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It's really simple.

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It involves three steps.

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Step one is to listen
with your full attention.

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That means be in the moment.

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Forget what everybody's
saying in response.

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Be focused on the person.

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When you do that, you give them
something we are all starved for:

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Attention.

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Two is to listen with your eyes.

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That can be as simple
as looking at the person,

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their body language, how
they're moving their arms,

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their facial expressions.

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For instance, if I am driving

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and somebody down
the road goes, "Ahhh!",

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that's pretty obvious what
they're trying to tell me.

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(Laughter)

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And it's time for me
to drive off the sidewalk.

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(Laughter) (Applause)

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I'm amazed, I'm amazed
at people who do not even

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look at other people when they're talking.

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If you give eye contact, in most cultures,

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it's the ultimate form of connection.

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The third thing you do
is listen with your heart.

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Open your heart to receive
what the person has to say.

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When you do that, you'll understand

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where they're coming from,
their feelings, their emotions.

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Sometimes they just want to be understood

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without you trying to find
the bright side of things.

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If someone goes to me, "I'm bankrupt!"

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You never say this: "At least
you don't have to pay taxes!"

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(Laughter)

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And sometimes the words

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do not match their meaning.

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The other day my wife
bought a hideous bag.

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(Laughter)

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It looked like road kill.

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(Laughter)

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She goes,

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"Stephen!

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(Cheers)

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What do you think of my bag?"

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(Laughter)

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She's not asking me for my opinion.

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(Laughter)

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She's fishing for a compliment!

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(Laughter)

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(Applause) (Cheers)

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So, true listening involves:

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listen with your attention,

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listen with your eyes,

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listen with your heart.

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Being deaf I should be good at this,

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but I need to practice.

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The other day I was losing
yet another argument with my wife.

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(Laughter)

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So I do this.

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(Laughter)

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She does this.

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"Stephen!

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Stephen!

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(Laughter)

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Are you listening?

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Stephen! Are you listening?"

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(Laughter) (Applause) (Cheers)

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So if you listen with
your eyes, your heart,

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and your attention, you will
have stronger relationships.

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Remember my friend Chris
who ignored me at the campfire?

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As we got older, we learned
to listen to each other

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with respect, understanding, and empathy.

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We reconnected, and he was
the best man at my wedding.

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(Applause)

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My promise to you is that if you do
what I shared with you today,

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the universe will open up
with so many possibilities.

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People will want to hear
what you have to say,

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so loud and clear that it's deafening!

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(Applause) (Cheers)