How to listen better - tips from a deaf guy | Stephen O'Keefe | TEDxStanleyPark

It’s all about active listening. This means to listen with your full attention by being in the moment, to listen with your eyes by reading the person’s body language, and most importantly, to listen with your heart so that the other person feels understood. Sometimes what the other person says does not match what they mean. It comes down to three tips – 1. Listen with your attention. 2. Listen with your eyes. 3. Listen with your heart.

Stephen O’Keefe’s humorous and inspiring TEDx talk will help you listen better to connect with others. Stephen grew up deaf and doesn’t understand why people who can hear, don’t use their ears. Find out more about Stephen O’Keefe at www.stephenokeefe.net

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

Do you know someone
with a listening problem?

Or are you that someone who
has a listening problem?

Poor listening leads to misunderstandings,

weaker relationships,

even wars.

By the way, I want you to know, I'm deaf.

I don't want you to think
I'm doing the world's worst

Arnold Schwarzenegger
impression ever

(Applause) (Cheers)

I'm here to share with you how to listen.

I know how weird this is.

A deaf person giving you listening tips.

(Laughter)

What's next?

A blind person giving
you decorating advice?

(Laughter)

Or Donald Trump
giving you hair care tips?

(Laughter) (Applause) (Cheers)

Do you feel like everything you say
goes in one ear and out the other?

Or in my case, in one
eye and out the other?

(Laughter)

Many years ago, I was
set up on a blind date

with my future wife, Ann-Marie.

She found out I was deaf before our date

so she bought a book called
"Sign Language for Dummies."

(Laughter)

How great is that?

(Applause)

Only problem is I don't
know any sign language.

(Laughter)

Except for the swear words.

So on our date I explained to Ann-Marie,

my parents raised me in a hearing world,

all I have to do is look
at you and read your lips.

And by the way, you have
the most beautiful lips.

(Laughter)

So our connection turned
into romance and love.

We have a wonderful son together.

(Applause)

And Ann-Marie says I hear better
than anyone she's ever met.

(Laughter)

But you know what? it hasn't
always been easy for me.

Nobody's life is.

I've had my challenges.

You've had yours, and I've had mine.

I've had to work so hard to communicate

because being left out
was out of the question.

My lowest point was
when I was 15 years old,

I'm with my best friend, Chris.

We're in Scouts together,
and people call us 'the twins,'

because we did everything
together, including Scouts.

I'm the only deaf person
in my Scout troop.

We're all going on a Scout camp together,

and on the second night
we're having a great time.

We built the mother of all bonfires.

It was so hot that Satan
would burn if he stood next to it.

(Laughter)

We were having fun,
we're swearing like drunken sailors.

(Laughter)

We're burning wieners to a crisp.

I'm sitting on a log with my buddies.

They're all talking,

and I'm having a really
hard time reading their lips,

especially in the fire's flickering light.

It's like putting together a jigsaw puzzle

with no photo.

All I know is that Chris has got some
amazing story about Mr. Brown.

By the time he's finished with his story,
my buddies are laughing.

I missed the punchline.

I go, "Chris, Chris!
What'd Mr. Brown say?"

He goes, "Nevermind."

"Chris! what did Mr. Brown say?"

"Nevermind."

So I go to another one of my buddies,

"Scott, what did Mr. Brown say?"

"Nevermind."

They did not see the hurt in my face,

that I really wanted
to know what was going on.

So I pulled out my flashlight

(Laughter)

so I could read Chris' lips.

I go, "Hey Chris, what did Mr. Brown say?"

Chris goes, "Ahhh! I can't see!"

And I wondered why nobody would talk
to me for the rest of the night.

(Laughter)

So I retreat back to my tent,

alone,

isolated; I feel like I'm left out.

They were talking, they were laughing.

If they saw the pain in my face,
and in my heart,

they would understand better.

Have you ever had any bad experiences
with poor listening?

We all pay a big price for poor listening.

Conflict, lack of respect,

lack of understanding,

lack of empathy.

I'm amazed that people
who can hear do not use their ears.

I may be deaf, but I figured out
a way to listen better,

and I'm excited to share
with you what I learned.

It's really simple.

It involves three steps.

Step one is to listen
with your full attention.

That means be in the moment.

Forget what everybody's
saying in response.

Be focused on the person.

When you do that, you give them
something we are all starved for:

Attention.

Two is to listen with your eyes.

That can be as simple
as looking at the person,

their body language, how
they're moving their arms,

their facial expressions.

For instance, if I am driving

and somebody down
the road goes, "Ahhh!",

that's pretty obvious what
they're trying to tell me.

(Laughter)

And it's time for me
to drive off the sidewalk.

(Laughter) (Applause)

I'm amazed, I'm amazed
at people who do not even

look at other people when they're talking.

If you give eye contact, in most cultures,

it's the ultimate form of connection.

The third thing you do
is listen with your heart.

Open your heart to receive
what the person has to say.

When you do that, you'll understand

where they're coming from,
their feelings, their emotions.

Sometimes they just want to be understood

without you trying to find
the bright side of things.

If someone goes to me, "I'm bankrupt!"

You never say this: "At least
you don't have to pay taxes!"

(Laughter)

And sometimes the words

do not match their meaning.

The other day my wife
bought a hideous bag.

(Laughter)

It looked like road kill.

(Laughter)

She goes,

"Stephen!

(Cheers)

What do you think of my bag?"

(Laughter)

She's not asking me for my opinion.

(Laughter)

She's fishing for a compliment!

(Laughter)

(Applause) (Cheers)

So, true listening involves:

listen with your attention,

listen with your eyes,

listen with your heart.

Being deaf I should be good at this,

but I need to practice.

The other day I was losing
yet another argument with my wife.

(Laughter)

So I do this.

(Laughter)

She does this.

"Stephen!

Stephen!

(Laughter)

Are you listening?

Stephen! Are you listening?"

(Laughter) (Applause) (Cheers)

So if you listen with
your eyes, your heart,

and your attention, you will
have stronger relationships.

Remember my friend Chris
who ignored me at the campfire?

As we got older, we learned
to listen to each other

with respect, understanding, and empathy.

We reconnected, and he was
the best man at my wedding.

(Applause)

My promise to you is that if you do
what I shared with you today,

the universe will open up
with so many possibilities.

People will want to hear
what you have to say,

so loud and clear that it's deafening!

(Applause) (Cheers)