Pretty - Episode 1

[cheering]
Man's voice: It has been quite a year.

A lot has happened,
and we're stronger.

And this time ...

we're ready -- to -- win.

[girl singing]
♪ There is a unicorn, his name is Gumdrop ♪

Hello! My name is Michael Champagne.

I'm a proud pageant dad.

It's a full-time job,

and I love it.

This is my daughter Annette.

We named her after Annette Funicello.

I love allll things Disney:

the parks, and the figurines,

and Zac Efron.

So my daughter Annette,
she just turned five this year,

and she has had quite a growth spurt,
so I want you to meet her.

She's out here.
We'll sneak up on her, though,

'cause she's real shy. Not like me.
She doesn't understand the camera,

y'know, unlike this one right here.
C'mon, let's go.

[laughing]

[Annette singing in a little-girl voice]

Michael: There she is!

♪ and he eats jelly bean pizza
for breakfast ♪

When I grow up,
I'm gonna be a princess.

Michael: I make sure to tell her,
each and every day,

that you can be anything you wanna be.

A pretty, pretty princess,
who lives in a big tower,

so no Jews can get me.

Who the [bleep] left the god[bleep]
water hose goin'?

This is my sweetness, my, uh,
beautiful wife Ribina,

proud mother of our beautiful baby girl.

Yay!

I'm colored.

Ribina: I still ain't convinced she mine.
Not fully.

Michael: We're actually able
to do these pageants

because of this wonderful woman
right here.

I mean, she brings home the bacon.

I smoke for a livin'.

Ribina is a professional smoker.

You've heard of professional shoppers,
that they got?

Well, the United Tobacco Smoking Agency --

Association of America,
get it right, bitch.

Association of America.
Association of America!

pays Ribina to test all their products
full-time.

'Cause I think it's important
to do work that matters.

Yeah.

[Annette singing about
her magical canoe]

Michael, on phone:
I did not order the color fuchsia.

I ordered the color flamingo.

Totally different,
different colors. Absolutely.

And I just -- hold on a second.

Um, sweetness, could you get the door
for me, help me with all this stuff?

Can't you see I'm at work?

God[bleep]!

Annette, echoing her: God[bleep]!

Blind [bleep]er!

Blind [bleep]er!

Which one did I have?

I can't [bleep]in' tell!

So between her income smoking,

and the, um, settlement that we got
from the fine folks at Taymag --

Ribina: Lint fire.

Michael: You don't think
it's gonna happen to you.

Ribina: Dryer tried to kill me.

Michael: Yeah, you really gotta
clean that drawer out.

Ribina: That [bleep]in' dryer
tried to kill me.

Michael: It did.

One time, Mommy's cigarettes
made the dryer go boom.

Michael, laughing: Hush, now, Annette.
No no no, that's not what happened.

Yes it is! I was there, I saw it.
Mommy's cigarettes made the dryer go --

OK, what'd I tell you about
tellin' tall tales?

Um, could you turn that off
for a second, please?

Just cut, or whatever you say?

Cut.

Michael: We are rehearsing
for the Miss Star Eyes Pageant,

which we had to drop out of last year
at the very last minute.

I had a hysterectomy.

She had pink eye.

Michael: OK, Annette, let's tell them!
We're here to --

Win!

And if we don't win, it's --

OK!

As long as we don't lose --

To a Mexican.

Our heart.

As long as we don't lose our heart.

Daddy says that Mexicans
are lazy and dirty.

Honestly, I don't know where she
comes up with this stuff.

I don't know. It just goes and goes.

Annette: That's what he says.
He says lazy, dirty Mexicans.

She watches too much TV,
her mother lets her,

she jabbajabbajabba,
and doesn't make a lick o'sense.

Michael: I love Mexicans!
I love every kind of Mexican.

I love Salma Hayek,
I love Christopher Walken,

Annette is gonna clean up
in the talent portion.

She lights up a stage!

[click, click]

[BOOM!]

[theme song]
♪ There is a unicorn ♪

♪ and his name is Gumdrop ♪

♪ and he lives on Gumdrop Mountain ♪

♪ and he likes to eat
jelly bean pizza for breakfast ♪

♪ and he has a magic hula hoop ♪

♪ and his favorite number is 8 ♪

♪ which just also happens
to be my favorite number ♪

♪ His name is Gumdrop the Unicorn ♪

♪ and then last Tuesday ♪

♪ he died ♪