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(Narrator): And welcome back
to the roast of Caitlyn Jenner.
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Here's your host, Seth MacFarlane.
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(Seth Impersonator):
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We're about halfway
through the show
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and Lisa Lampanelli is
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about halfway
through the New York Knicks
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and that gallon of
mayonnaise she got at Costco.
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(Laughter)
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(Caitlyn Impersonator): I
think we've roasted Lisa enough,
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time we turn the hose on momma
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Okay, well now I have something to say
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about the woman we are all here to celebrate.
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Here we go, this is it.
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Caitlyn Jenner!
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Give it to me hard, son.
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Uh, (clears throat), she-
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Bring it on, baby!
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Um
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I can take it.
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She's a hero to, both,
the people that know her
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and the transgender
community around the world.
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Our next roaster
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Oh come on! No, we've only
got ten minutes left on the show,
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and no one's taken
any shots at me. I can take it.
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It's for charity, it's for the kids.
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I mean come on,
you can make fun of anything
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My hair's a little flat today!
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If anybody's hair is flat, it's mine!
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(laughter)
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Okay, our next roaster
looks like David Lynch fucked a snake.
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(laughter)
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Anthony Jeselnik!
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(applause)
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-Okay, alright this is gonna be good.
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This is gonna be good.
Now We're cooking with gas.
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You've got this Anthony!
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Thank you.
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Lisa Lampanelli is here.
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Hey, we already did her, do me!
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Lisa Lamenelly has had more
angry black men inside of her
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than a liquor store in Ferguson!
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(laughter)
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Alright, we're done
with Lisa, it's momma's turn.
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Kanye West is here. Kanye.
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He's not even here! He's not here.
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A lot of people say Kanye
thinks he's the second coming-
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-Anthony...
-which is true.
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-Anthony...
-The first was Ray Jay.
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-Anthony...
-What?!
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It's my turn.
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Roast.
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Okay.
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There you go.
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You know, I'll do it.
Anthony Jeselnik will do it.
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This is gonna be good!
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It's gonna be good.
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Caitlyn Jenner's here!
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Great start, I can't wait
to see where you take it.
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-Caitlyn is so--
-Okay I'm so, I'm so what?
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Brave!
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(Applause)
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The stage manager is here.
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No, don't roast the stage manager.
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He looks like a bag of potatoes.
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-Anthony look at me!
-A bag of potatoes.....
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-Anthony, turn around!
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Who else is here?
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I'm here! I'm here, Anthony.
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I'm here, Anthony Jeselvik is here.
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No, no, you can't roast yourself, Anthony.
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Anthony Jeselvik sounds like he got
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face fucked by Ray Romano.
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(Laughter)
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No, move along.
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That's it, sit down, take a seat.
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If Anthony can roast himself,
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I'm gonna roast myself.
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I know that you guys
don't wanna make fun of me,
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but I want you to treat me
like you would treat anyone else.
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Here's how it should be done.
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It goes roast, roast, roast, roast, roast,
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And now time for the lady of the hour.
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And then say something funny,
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something like,
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"Hmm must be hard getting back into
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Olympic shape what
with losing all that trans fat"
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Jesus Christ
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Something like that would be good.
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How dare you make fun of her?
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Trans-phobe!
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(audience) Booooooo
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(Lisa Impersonator): Horrible
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Oh, come on, we did six whale jokes
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about Lisa and I can't do a bit of word play?
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(audience): Booooooo
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No, you've got it twisted,
they've all got it- What are you doing?
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Are you kidding me?
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(Caitlyn Impersonator): Really?
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I'd like to formally apologize on
behalf of Comedy Central, the comedians,
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we are very upset with the hate
that Caitlyn Jenner showed to herself.
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Caitlyn Jenner is a hero.
We do not stand by Caitlyn Jenner's words.
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Caitlyn Jenner is a brave soul
and we all hope that Cailtyn Jenner
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can heal the hate in Caitlyn Jenner's
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beautiful, cruel inspirational heart.
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-She's on the wrong side of history.
-Oh this is bullshit. You wanna know what?
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It was a fucking joke, man.
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It was fucking joke.
And if you can't take that,
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then you should all grow some balls.
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(Gasps)
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Or better yet, why don't you borrow a pair of--
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(microphone feedback)
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Nacho Punch!
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Hello, I'm gonna roast Chloe soon!
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I'm coming for you Chloe!
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I'm gonna come for you Chloe!
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You look like you're seeing through me right now.
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I'm trans, I'm not transparent.
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Laughter
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More Laughter