The Roast of Caitlyn Jenner

(Narrator): And welcome back
to the roast of Caitlyn Jenner.

Here's your host, Seth MacFarlane.

(Seth Impersonator):

We're about halfway
through the show

and Lisa Lampanelli is

about halfway
through the New York Knicks

and that gallon of
mayonnaise she got at Costco.

(Laughter)

(Caitlyn Impersonator): I
think we've roasted Lisa enough,

time we turn the hose on momma

Okay, well now I have something to say

about the woman we are all here to celebrate.

Here we go, this is it.

Caitlyn Jenner!

Give it to me hard, son.

Uh, (clears throat), she-

Bring it on, baby!

Um

I can take it.

She's a hero to, both,
the people that know her

and the transgender
community around the world.

Our next roaster

Oh come on! No, we've only
got ten minutes left on the show,

and no one's taken
any shots at me. I can take it.

It's for charity, it's for the kids.

I mean come on,
you can make fun of anything

My hair's a little flat today!

If anybody's hair is flat, it's mine!

(laughter)

Okay, our next roaster
looks like David Lynch fucked a snake.

(laughter)

Anthony Jeselnik!

(applause)

-Okay, alright this is gonna be good.

This is gonna be good.
Now We're cooking with gas.

You've got this Anthony!

Thank you.

Lisa Lampanelli is here.

Hey, we already did her, do me!

Lisa Lamenelly has had more
angry black men inside of her

than a liquor store in Ferguson!

(laughter)

Alright, we're done
with Lisa, it's momma's turn.

Kanye West is here. Kanye.

He's not even here! He's not here.

A lot of people say Kanye
thinks he's the second coming-

-Anthony...
-which is true.

-Anthony...
-The first was Ray Jay.

-Anthony...
-What?!

It's my turn.

Roast.

Okay.

There you go.

You know, I'll do it.
Anthony Jeselnik will do it.

This is gonna be good!

It's gonna be good.

Caitlyn Jenner's here!

Great start, I can't wait
to see where you take it.

-Caitlyn is so--
-Okay I'm so, I'm so what?

Brave!

(Applause)

The stage manager is here.

No, don't roast the stage manager.

He looks like a bag of potatoes.

-Anthony look at me!
-A bag of potatoes.....

-Anthony, turn around!

Who else is here?

I'm here! I'm here, Anthony.

I'm here, Anthony Jeselvik is here.

No, no, you can't roast yourself, Anthony.

Anthony Jeselvik sounds like he got

face fucked by Ray Romano.

(Laughter)

No, move along.

That's it, sit down, take a seat.

If Anthony can roast himself,

I'm gonna roast myself.

I know that you guys
don't wanna make fun of me,

but I want you to treat me
like you would treat anyone else.

Here's how it should be done.

It goes roast, roast, roast, roast, roast,

And now time for the lady of the hour.

And then say something funny,

something like,

"Hmm must be hard getting back into

Olympic shape what
with losing all that trans fat"

Jesus Christ

Something like that would be good.

How dare you make fun of her?

Trans-phobe!

(audience) Booooooo

(Lisa Impersonator): Horrible

Oh, come on, we did six whale jokes

about Lisa and I can't do a bit of word play?

(audience): Booooooo

No, you've got it twisted,
they've all got it- What are you doing?

Are you kidding me?

(Caitlyn Impersonator): Really?

I'd like to formally apologize on
behalf of Comedy Central, the comedians,

we are very upset with the hate
that Caitlyn Jenner showed to herself.

Caitlyn Jenner is a hero.
We do not stand by Caitlyn Jenner's words.

Caitlyn Jenner is a brave soul
and we all hope that Cailtyn Jenner

can heal the hate in Caitlyn Jenner's

beautiful, cruel inspirational heart.

-She's on the wrong side of history.
-Oh this is bullshit. You wanna know what?

It was a fucking joke, man.

It was fucking joke.
And if you can't take that,

then you should all grow some balls.

(Gasps)

Or better yet, why don't you borrow a pair of--

(microphone feedback)

Nacho Punch!

Hello, I'm gonna roast Chloe soon!

I'm coming for you Chloe!

I'm gonna come for you Chloe!

You look like you're seeing through me right now.

I'm trans, I'm not transparent.

Laughter

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