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What’s happenin’ yall? This week we
bendin’ over for da man with The Handmaid’s
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Tale by Margaret Atwood.
The sh**’s gone HAM up in da USA,
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where a crew of bible-thumpin honkies brought
down da government, took a sh** on the constitution,
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and now they runnnin da game wit a new society
called Gilead. And up in G-town, da man always
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hatin on women: they can't own property,
work, learn- nothin. They jus’ get
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tossed in a house and gotta do what they told.
And since mutha Earth been fu**ed
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by pollution, syphillis, and all kinda otha
mess, most women can’t pop out babies no
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mo. To keep da human race alive, some women
are captured and turned in to Handmaids- which
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are basically baby-makin sex slaves.
Dis story followin da life of Offred. Girl
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tried to bail to
Canada wit her fam, but she got GOT by da
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fuzz and brought to da Re- education Center
where they gonna brainwash her in to a true
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blue Handmaid. Offred eventually becomes da
Handmaid for some brutha name Commander Fred
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who she gotta get buck nasty wit’ while
layin’ on his wife Serena. And ain’t nobody
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ejoyin themselves.
What Serena don’t know tho, is dat
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da Commander and Offred been chillin like
she mo’ than jus’ his booty call.
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They doin da kinkiest things you
can think of: scrabble and magazine readin.
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MMMM MMMMM! Offred ain’t really feelin’
their lil’ date nights, but she go along
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with it anyway.
One day Offred out shopping with a
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sistah named Ofglen when she like “Say girl.
Keep this on the DL but I’m a member of
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da resistance called “Mayday” dat tryna
stick to dem Gilead haters.”
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Pissed dat a bitch ain’t gotten
preggers yet, Serena say she’ll, give Offred
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info on her long lost daughter if she bangs
the gardner Nick. Serena wanna get rid of
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Offred REAL BAD. Turns out, diddling Nick’s
dangle is pretty sweet, and they start bangin
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on da reg.
Later, Offred get word dat Ofglen
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offed herself cuz she was afraid da secret
po-lice were comin’ to git her. When Serena
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find out bout Offred hittin da club wit her
hubby, girl gets MAD crunk. Not long after,
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two bustas roll up in a van to take Offred
away. But Nick say “don’t trip, girl.
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They actually Mayday members comin’ to save
yo ass.” So Offred get tossed in dat van,
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not knowin’ whether she bout to be freed
or get wrecked.
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Da book end wit a section called
“Historical Notes.” Bout two centuries
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later, some stuffy-ass professor talkin bout
Gilead and da fact dat The Handmaid’s Tale
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might be a buncha bullsh**. Da hell?
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Now if you dun peeped dis text, you might
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be askin yo’self: Why da hell
is da story so janky and out of order? Da
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main character Offred- even tho dat ain’t
her real name, tellin this story like she
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time trippin o’ somethin.
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Well there’s a good reason for dat
homeboy. Like Offred herself tellin’ us:
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Da structure of dis novel is all jacked up
cuz that’s exactly how
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Offred feelin: broken, to’ up, and confused
as hell as to how errything in da world went
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to sh**.
Sho, Atwood givin us explicit
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reasons errything so twisted- like pollution
and syphillis, but there’s mo’ to it than
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that, padna. Think of dis book like a thought
experiment, where Atwood takin common ignant
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thoughts bout women like: “women should
be stay in their place” and show us where
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dat kinda hateful thinkin can lead us.
When you got a whole society tryna
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to put women in a box like dat, it gonna make
em in to empty, choiceless drones dat don’t
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serve no purpose otha’ than poppin’ out
babies. Sheeit, you can peep dat dehumanizing
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effect by the fact that Offred ain’t even
got a real name. Girl feelin like she already
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dead.
In the end, it looks like things
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have turned out a’ight. Or do it? We get
some uppidy professor yappin bout Offred’s
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story like it’s da distant past. But on
da real, he usin da same kinda woman-hatin
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logic sayin dat her story prolly ain’t even
legit. And dat’s da same whack-ass jive
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dat turned the USA in to Gilead. So truth
is, dis book just straight up depressing as
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hell.
But chin up, homeboy, cuz dat
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subscribe button is still there to cheer yo
ass up. So hit it and catch me next week,
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playas. Peace.
