What’s happenin’ yall? This week we bendin’ over for da man with The Handmaid’s
Tale by Margaret Atwood. The sh**’s gone HAM up in da USA,
where a crew of bible-thumpin honkies brought down da government, took a sh** on the constitution,
and now they runnnin da game wit a new society called Gilead. And up in G-town, da man always
hatin on women: they can't own property, work, learn- nothin. They jus’ get
tossed in a house and gotta do what they told. And since mutha Earth been fu**ed
by pollution, syphillis, and all kinda otha mess, most women can’t pop out babies no
mo. To keep da human race alive, some women are captured and turned in to Handmaids- which
are basically baby-makin sex slaves. Dis story followin da life of Offred. Girl
tried to bail to Canada wit her fam, but she got GOT by da
fuzz and brought to da Re- education Center where they gonna brainwash her in to a true
blue Handmaid. Offred eventually becomes da Handmaid for some brutha name Commander Fred
who she gotta get buck nasty wit’ while layin’ on his wife Serena. And ain’t nobody
ejoyin themselves. What Serena don’t know tho, is dat
da Commander and Offred been chillin like she mo’ than jus’ his booty call.
They doin da kinkiest things you can think of: scrabble and magazine readin.
MMMM MMMMM! Offred ain’t really feelin’ their lil’ date nights, but she go along
with it anyway. One day Offred out shopping with a
sistah named Ofglen when she like “Say girl. Keep this on the DL but I’m a member of
da resistance called “Mayday” dat tryna stick to dem Gilead haters.”
Pissed dat a bitch ain’t gotten preggers yet, Serena say she’ll, give Offred
info on her long lost daughter if she bangs the gardner Nick. Serena wanna get rid of
Offred REAL BAD. Turns out, diddling Nick’s dangle is pretty sweet, and they start bangin
on da reg. Later, Offred get word dat Ofglen
offed herself cuz she was afraid da secret po-lice were comin’ to git her. When Serena
find out bout Offred hittin da club wit her hubby, girl gets MAD crunk. Not long after,
two bustas roll up in a van to take Offred away. But Nick say “don’t trip, girl.
They actually Mayday members comin’ to save yo ass.” So Offred get tossed in dat van,
not knowin’ whether she bout to be freed or get wrecked.
Da book end wit a section called “Historical Notes.” Bout two centuries
later, some stuffy-ass professor talkin bout Gilead and da fact dat The Handmaid’s Tale
might be a buncha bullsh**. Da hell?
Now if you dun peeped dis text, you might
be askin yo’self: Why da hell is da story so janky and out of order? Da
main character Offred- even tho dat ain’t her real name, tellin this story like she
time trippin o’ somethin.
Well there’s a good reason for dat homeboy. Like Offred herself tellin’ us:
Da structure of dis novel is all jacked up cuz that’s exactly how
Offred feelin: broken, to’ up, and confused as hell as to how errything in da world went
to sh**. Sho, Atwood givin us explicit
reasons errything so twisted- like pollution and syphillis, but there’s mo’ to it than
that, padna. Think of dis book like a thought experiment, where Atwood takin common ignant
thoughts bout women like: “women should be stay in their place” and show us where
dat kinda hateful thinkin can lead us. When you got a whole society tryna
to put women in a box like dat, it gonna make em in to empty, choiceless drones dat don’t
serve no purpose otha’ than poppin’ out babies. Sheeit, you can peep dat dehumanizing
effect by the fact that Offred ain’t even got a real name. Girl feelin like she already
dead. In the end, it looks like things
have turned out a’ight. Or do it? We get some uppidy professor yappin bout Offred’s
story like it’s da distant past. But on da real, he usin da same kinda woman-hatin
logic sayin dat her story prolly ain’t even legit. And dat’s da same whack-ass jive
dat turned the USA in to Gilead. So truth is, dis book just straight up depressing as
hell. But chin up, homeboy, cuz dat
subscribe button is still there to cheer yo ass up. So hit it and catch me next week,
playas. Peace.