Shit academics say about access

AMY: Did you see that Hallmark movie last
night? It made me think of you and all you've

really overcome.

CINDY: Your particular disability must be
very mild indeed.

RYAN: Is China going to let our students go
there and just study in China? No, I don't

think so.

BEN: Queering composition? Is that a thing?

ELAINE: What should I call you?

(SILENCE)

JEN: So what should I call you?

(SILENCE)

NICK: Tell me what word I'm supposed to
say. I want to get it right.

CINDY: You are so inspiring to me.

TRAUMAN: I had a student like you once.

AMY: I had a student with Tourette's last
year.

MARGARET: So what does PTSD stand for?

AMY: ... I think.

MARGARET: Ohhh. So what was the trauma?

KATIE: Do you even know how many students
are registered with disability services nowadays?

Really, I mean, there has to be something
in the water or something, I just don't

even know.

SCOTT: Foucault has a lot to say about this.

TRAUMAN: I'm not racist, but...

ELAINE: Standard English. STAN- DARD- ENG-
LISH.

RYAN: Look at all these Asian students they
let in. They don't even speak English, and

they let them into English classes?

ELAINE: STAN- DARD- ENG- LISH.

CINDY: I think you should just stop trying
to milk the system.

ELAINE: (SHOUTING) STANDARD ENGLISH!

BRENDA: That's not my problem.

LORELEI: Why would we need to talk about accessibility?

TRAUMAN: Isn't there a committee for that?

JEN: Isn't there a committee for that?

JEN: Isn't there a committee for that?

ELAINE: Isn't there a committee for that?

JEN: On campus? Somewhere?

PATRICK: There's got to be a committee for
that.

SCOTT: I mean, I know, right, like, um, you
know, I've been thinking a lot about these

issues, in and around them, and, you know,
the intersections are complex, and I don't

want to undervalue the complexity of what
you're going through or anything, or make

any kind of generalizations, but, um, I mean,
I know, right? I, I, I get it. Um, it's

nice. Nice. Nice.

KRISTA: Of course my class is accessible.
If they can't do the work, then they shouldn't

be in the class.

JEN: You know, you probably wouldn't be
an adjunct if you'd taken a PhD in rhet-comp.

ALI: I don't do digital media.

JULIA: I have a computer. That's digital,
right?

DICKIE: First- year- writing.

NORA: First- year- writing.

DEBRA: WRI- TING.

DICKIE: Do you see anything about new media
in there?

ELIZABETH: Don't you think the ADA is just
a little ridiculous?

(SOUND OF DRAWER CLOSING)

KATIE: You want extra time on your test?

ELIZABETH: I mean, why is there Braille on
drive-thru ATMs?

CINDY: You know, I do have a disability statement
on my syllabus.

LOUIE: I don't give handouts.

RYAN: You know in the bathrooms, too, it's
just like... you know, if I could just like

put my arm on these metal railings that they
supply... You know, I think access is so overblown.

TRAUMAN: Why learn HTML? I can just make a
webpage in Word!

STEPHANIE: What does this mean in your language?

KRISTA: I mean, they're like... Appalachian.

JULIA: Ohhh.

KRIS: Standard English.

JULIA: Oh, wait, what's the one I heard
the other week? Youzzins?

KRIS: Standard English! (LAUGHS)

JULIA & KRISTA: Yinzes?

CINDY: Stand- ard- Eng- lish.

JULIA: Maybe we could get a native, like,
you know, to talk like they do.

TRAUMAN: I'm not even sure how these students
got into college in the first place.

DEBRA: Bless you for doing this work. You
truly must be a special person.

BRENDA: Have you told others your story?

LORELEI: Cancer is a gift!

STEPHANIE: I don't know how you do it. You're
so amazing!

BEN: I'm so happy to help!

RYAN: As a white faculty member, I just don't
understand this talk about access. I have

no trouble getting classes, filling classes,
getting on the bus, and getting the best seat

right up in the front of the bus.

SILAS: I always have at least one minority
day in every class I teach.

NICK: I understand about diversity.

JULIA: I believe in race. The human race.

NICK: I think I'm like a sixteenth Native
American or something.

KRISTA: I don't even know why people try
to claim that identity. It's like they just

want something for free.

PATRICK: No.

KATIE: No.

STEPHANIE: No.

BRENDA: You want what?

TRAUMAN: Ohh. You're disabled? I'm so
sorry.

JULIA: Sometimes I read slow. That's a disability,
right?

MARGARET: Oh, I forget things all the time,
too. Maybe I have a memory impairment.

TRAUMAN: Is that even a thing?

PATRICK: Disabled students, I mean, differently
abled students.

CINDY: But honestly, aren't we all disabled
in some way?

SILAS: Isn't there a committee for that?

KRISTA: Isn't there a committee for that?

LOUIE: I used to be on that committee.

STEPHANIE: (SLOWLY AND DELIBERATELY) THANK
YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING US AWARE OF THESE ISSUES.

ELAINE: Don't worry. You can just read my
notes later. You're not missing anything.

KRISTA: How do people think they should just
get a job and expect everyone to work around

their new schedule as a parent?

NORA: Don't you think there's a reason
that more women don't get tenure?

JULIA: Being a professor is a whole form of
birth control unto itself.

BRENDA: I never think of you as a woman.

SCOTT: I never think of you as a woman.

NICK: I don't think of you as black.

BRENDA: I never think of you as disabled,
though.

SCOTT: I never think of you as gay.

NICK: You're just... my friend.

SCOTT: I never think of you as a disability--

NICK: I've had tons of disabled students--

SCOTT: I mean, uh, as a disabled--

NICK: Students with dis--

SCOTT: I mean, as, you know, as--

NICK: Uh, spec-, special needs kids--

SCOTT: As... disabled... with a disability.

ELIZABETH: How do I know they're not
just playing games?

NICK: When it's up here... (WRITES ON BOARD)
I can see it.

SILAS: Students didn't have ADHD ten years
ago. That's why I ban laptops and cellphones

in all of my classes.

NICK: But if it's on here, in front of them...

SILAS: (MOUTHS WORDS) No laptops.

ELIZABETH: I mean, this has a dog on it.

LOUIE: If I give accommodations to you, I'll
have to give them to everyone.

STEPHANIE: I'm so sorry there's no interpreter,
but maybe I can just stand up there and go

like this!

RYAN: They have those really nice seats where
it's like three, it's like a three, right

in the front, where you can just like spread
out.

JEN: Why can't we all just get along?

RYAN: I don't know why anyone's talking
about access in this day and age.

DICKIE: If you want to know the IQ of a committee,
take the dumbest person on the committee and

divide it by the number of people in the committee.

BEN: If you can't do it, maybe you should
find another profession.