Do kids think of sperm donors as family?
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0:01 - 0:03What is a parent?
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0:04 - 0:06What is a parent?
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0:07 - 0:09It's not an easy question.
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0:10 - 0:12Today we have adoption,
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0:12 - 0:14stepfamilies,
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0:14 - 0:15surrogate mothers.
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0:16 - 0:18Many parents face tough questions
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0:19 - 0:21and tough decisions.
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0:22 - 0:25Shall we tell our child
about the sperm donation? -
0:27 - 0:29If so, when?
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0:29 - 0:31What words to use?
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0:32 - 0:37Sperm donors are often referred
to as "biological fathers," -
0:37 - 0:40but should we really
be using the word "father?" -
0:42 - 0:44As a philosopher and social scientist,
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0:44 - 0:48I have been studying these questions
about the concept of parenthood. -
0:49 - 0:52But today, I will talk to you
about what I learned -
0:52 - 0:54from talking to parents and children.
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0:55 - 1:00I will show you that they know
what matters most in a family, -
1:00 - 1:02even though their family
looks a little different. -
1:03 - 1:08I will show you their creative ways
of dealing with tough questions. -
1:09 - 1:13But I will also show you
the parents' uncertainties. -
1:15 - 1:17We interviewed couples
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1:17 - 1:20who received fertility treatment
at Ghent University Hospital, -
1:21 - 1:23using sperm from a donor.
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1:23 - 1:25In this treatment timeline,
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1:25 - 1:28you can see two points
at which we conducted interviews. -
1:29 - 1:31We included heterosexual couples,
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1:32 - 1:36where the man for some reason
did not have good-quality sperm, -
1:36 - 1:42and lesbian couples who obviously
needed to find sperm elsewhere. -
1:43 - 1:45We also included children.
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1:47 - 1:48I wanted to know
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1:48 - 1:53how those children define concepts
like parenthood and family. -
1:54 - 1:57In fact, that is what I asked them,
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1:58 - 2:00only not in that way.
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2:01 - 2:04I drew an apple tree instead.
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2:05 - 2:08This way, I could ask abstract,
philosophical questions -
2:08 - 2:12in a way that did not make them run off.
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2:13 - 2:15So as you can see,
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2:15 - 2:17the apple tree is empty.
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2:18 - 2:20And that illustrates my research approach.
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2:21 - 2:23By designing techniques like this,
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2:23 - 2:28I can bring as little meaning and content
as possible to the interview, -
2:29 - 2:31because I want to hear that from them.
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2:32 - 2:34I asked them:
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2:35 - 2:38What would your family look like
if it were an apple tree? -
2:39 - 2:42And they could take a paper apple
for everyone who, in their view, -
2:43 - 2:44was a member of the family,
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2:44 - 2:47write a name on it
and hang it wherever they wanted. -
2:47 - 2:49And I would ask questions.
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2:50 - 2:53Most children started
with a parent or a sibling. -
2:54 - 2:56One started with "Boxer,"
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2:57 - 2:59the dead dog of his grandparents.
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3:00 - 3:04At this point, none of the children
started mentioning the donor. -
3:04 - 3:09So, I asked them about their birth story.
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3:09 - 3:11I said, "Before you were born,
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3:11 - 3:14it was just your mom and dad,
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3:14 - 3:15or mom and mommy.
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3:15 - 3:18Can you tell me how you came
into the family?" -
3:19 - 3:21And they explained.
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3:22 - 3:23One said,
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3:24 - 3:26"My parents did not have good seeds,
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3:27 - 3:31but there are friendly men out there
who have spare seeds. -
3:31 - 3:33They bring them to the hospital,
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3:33 - 3:35and they put them in a big jar.
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3:36 - 3:37My mommy went there,
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3:38 - 3:40and she took two from the jar,
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3:41 - 3:43one for me and one for my sister.
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3:44 - 3:46She put the seeds in her belly --
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3:46 - 3:47somehow --
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3:48 - 3:51and her belly grew really big,
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3:51 - 3:52and there I was."
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3:53 - 3:54Hmm.
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3:56 - 4:00So only when they started
mentioning the donor, -
4:00 - 4:03I asked questions about him,
using their own words. -
4:04 - 4:05I said,
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4:05 - 4:10"If this would be an apple
for the friendly man with the seeds, -
4:10 - 4:11what would you do with it?"
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4:12 - 4:14And one boy was thinking out loud,
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4:14 - 4:16holding the apple.
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4:16 - 4:17And he said,
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4:18 - 4:21"I won't put this one
up there with the others. -
4:21 - 4:23He's not part of my family.
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4:24 - 4:26But I will not put him on the ground.
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4:26 - 4:28That's too cold and too hard.
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4:29 - 4:31I think he should be in the trunk,
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4:32 - 4:35because he made my family possible.
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4:35 - 4:37If he would not have done this,
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4:37 - 4:41that would really be sad
because my family would not be here, -
4:41 - 4:43and I would not be here."
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4:46 - 4:49So also, parents
constructed family tales -- -
4:49 - 4:51tales to tell their children.
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4:53 - 4:56One couple explained their insemination
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4:56 - 4:58by taking their children to a farm
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4:59 - 5:02to watch a vet inseminate cows.
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5:04 - 5:05And why not?
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5:05 - 5:07It's their way of explaining;
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5:08 - 5:11their do-it-yourself
with family narratives. -
5:11 - 5:12DIY.
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5:13 - 5:15And we had another couple
who made books -- -
5:15 - 5:16a book for each child.
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5:17 - 5:18They were really works of art
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5:18 - 5:22containing their thoughts and feelings
throughout the treatment. -
5:22 - 5:25They even had the hospital
parking tickets in there. -
5:26 - 5:27So it is DIY:
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5:27 - 5:30finding ways, words and images
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5:30 - 5:32to tell your family story to your child.
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5:34 - 5:37And these stories were highly diverse,
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5:37 - 5:40but they all had one thing in common:
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5:42 - 5:45it was a tale of longing for a child
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5:46 - 5:48and a quest for that child.
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5:48 - 5:53It was about how special
and how deeply loved their child was. -
5:55 - 6:00And research so far shows
that these children are doing fine. -
6:00 - 6:02They do not have
more problems than other kids. -
6:03 - 6:07Yet, these parents also wanted
to justify their decisions -
6:07 - 6:09through the tales they tell.
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6:10 - 6:13They hoped that their children
would understand their reasons -
6:13 - 6:14for making the family in this way.
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6:16 - 6:20Underlying was a fear
that their children might disapprove -
6:20 - 6:22and would reject the non-genetic parent.
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6:23 - 6:25And that fear is understandable,
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6:25 - 6:28because we live in a very heteronormative
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6:28 - 6:30and geneticized society --
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6:30 - 6:32a world that still believes
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6:32 - 6:36that true families consist
of one mom, one dad -
6:36 - 6:38and their genetically related children.
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6:40 - 6:41Well.
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6:42 - 6:45I want to tell you about a teenage boy.
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6:45 - 6:48He was donor-conceived
but not part of our study. -
6:49 - 6:51One day, he had an argument
with his father, -
6:51 - 6:53and he yelled,
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6:53 - 6:55"You're telling me what to do?
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6:55 - 6:57You're not even my father!"
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7:00 - 7:03That was exactly what
the parents in our study feared. -
7:04 - 7:07Now, the boy soon felt sorry,
and they made up. -
7:08 - 7:11But it is the reaction of his father
that is most interesting. -
7:12 - 7:13He said,
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7:14 - 7:19"This outburst had nothing to do
with the lack of a genetic link. -
7:20 - 7:23It was about puberty --
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7:23 - 7:24being difficult.
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7:24 - 7:26It's what they do at that age.
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7:27 - 7:28It will pass."
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7:29 - 7:31What this man shows us
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7:31 - 7:34is that when something goes wrong,
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7:35 - 7:36we should not immediately think
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7:36 - 7:39it is because the family
is a little different. -
7:39 - 7:42These things happen in all families.
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7:44 - 7:45And every now and then,
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7:46 - 7:47all parents may wonder:
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7:48 - 7:50Am I a good enough parent?
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7:51 - 7:52These parents, too.
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7:53 - 7:57They, above all, wanted to do
what's best for their child. -
7:58 - 8:00But they also sometimes wondered:
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8:00 - 8:02Am I a real parent?
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8:02 - 8:06And their uncertainties were present
long before they even were parents. -
8:06 - 8:08At the start of treatment,
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8:08 - 8:09when they first saw the counselor,
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8:10 - 8:13they paid close attention
to the counselor, -
8:13 - 8:15because they wanted to do it right.
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8:16 - 8:17Even 10 years later,
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8:18 - 8:21they still remember
the advice they were given. -
8:25 - 8:28So when they thought about the counselor
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8:29 - 8:31and the advice they were given,
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8:31 - 8:32we discussed that.
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8:32 - 8:35And we saw one lesbian couple who said,
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8:37 - 8:38"When our son asks us,
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8:38 - 8:40'Do I have a dad?'
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8:41 - 8:44we will say 'No, you do not have a dad.'
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8:45 - 8:48But we will say nothing more,
not unless he asks, -
8:48 - 8:50because he might not be ready for that.
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8:50 - 8:52The counselor said so."
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8:53 - 8:55Well.
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8:55 - 8:57I don't know; that's quite different
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8:57 - 9:00from how we respond
to children's questions. -
9:00 - 9:03Like, "Milk -- is that made in a factory?"
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9:04 - 9:07We will say, "No, it comes from cows,"
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9:07 - 9:09and we will talk about the farmer,
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9:09 - 9:11and the way the milk ends up in the shop.
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9:12 - 9:13We will not say,
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9:14 - 9:18"No, milk is not made in a factory."
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9:20 - 9:22So something strange happened here,
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9:22 - 9:25and of course these children noticed that.
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9:26 - 9:27One boy said,
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9:27 - 9:30"I asked my parents loads of questions,
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9:30 - 9:32but they acted really weird.
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9:33 - 9:37So, you know, I have a friend at school,
and she's made in the same way. -
9:37 - 9:40When I have a question,
I just go and ask her." -
9:42 - 9:43Clever guy.
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9:44 - 9:45Problem solved.
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9:46 - 9:48But his parents did not notice,
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9:49 - 9:51and it certainly was not
what they had in mind, -
9:51 - 9:53nor what the counselor had in mind
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9:53 - 9:59when they were saying how important
it is to be an open-communication family. -
10:00 - 10:03And that's the strange thing about advice.
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10:03 - 10:06When we offer people pills,
we gather evidence first. -
10:07 - 10:08We do tests,
-
10:08 - 10:09we do follow-up studies.
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10:09 - 10:13We want to know, and rightly so,
what this pill is doing -
10:13 - 10:16and how it affects people's lives.
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10:16 - 10:17And advice?
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10:19 - 10:21It is not enough for advice,
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10:21 - 10:25or for professionals to give advice
that is theoretically sound, -
10:25 - 10:27or well-meant.
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10:27 - 10:31It should be advice
that there is evidence for -- -
10:31 - 10:35evidence that it actually
improves patients' lives. -
10:36 - 10:41So the philosopher in me
would now like to offer you a paradox: -
10:42 - 10:46I advise you to stop following advice.
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10:48 - 10:49But, yes.
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10:50 - 10:53(Applause)
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10:55 - 10:57I will not end here with what went wrong;
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10:57 - 11:01I would not be doing justice
to the warmth we found in those families. -
11:03 - 11:06Remember the books
and the trip to the farmer? -
11:06 - 11:09When parents do things that work for them,
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11:10 - 11:11they do brilliant things.
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11:12 - 11:16What I want you to remember
as members of families, -
11:16 - 11:19in no matter what form or shape,
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11:19 - 11:24is that what families need
are warm relationships. -
11:25 - 11:29And we do not need to be
professionals to create those. -
11:30 - 11:32Most of us do just fine,
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11:33 - 11:35although it may be hard work,
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11:35 - 11:38and from time to time,
we can do with some advice. -
11:39 - 11:40In that case,
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11:41 - 11:43bear in mind three things.
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11:44 - 11:47Work with advice
that works for your family. -
11:48 - 11:53Remember -- you're the expert,
because you live your family life. -
11:55 - 11:56And finally,
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11:56 - 12:00believe in your abilities
and your creativity, -
12:01 - 12:04because you can do it yourself.
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12:05 - 12:06Thank you.
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12:06 - 12:13(Applause)
- Title:
- Do kids think of sperm donors as family?
- Speaker:
- Veerle Provoost
- Description:
-
How do we define a parent -- or a family? Bioethicist Veerle Provoost explores these questions in the context of non-traditional families, ones brought together by adoption, second marriages, surrogate mothers and sperm donations. In this talk, she shares stories of how parents and children create their own family narratives.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 12:26
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for Do kids think of sperm donors as family? | ||
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Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for Do kids think of sperm donors as family? | ||
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Leslie Gauthier edited English subtitles for Do kids think of sperm donors as family? | ||
Leslie Gauthier edited English subtitles for Do kids think of sperm donors as family? |