WEBVTT 00:00:00.842 --> 00:00:03.004 What is a parent? NOTE Paragraph 00:00:03.999 --> 00:00:05.606 What is a parent? NOTE Paragraph 00:00:07.043 --> 00:00:09.151 It's not an easy question. 00:00:09.630 --> 00:00:12.004 Today we have adoption, 00:00:12.028 --> 00:00:13.604 stepfamilies, 00:00:13.628 --> 00:00:15.085 surrogate mothers. 00:00:15.846 --> 00:00:18.259 Many parents face tough questions 00:00:19.151 --> 00:00:20.680 and tough decisions. 00:00:21.888 --> 00:00:25.141 Shall we tell our child about the sperm donation? 00:00:27.322 --> 00:00:28.697 If so, when? 00:00:29.176 --> 00:00:30.776 What words to use? 00:00:31.522 --> 00:00:37.383 Sperm donors are often referred to as "biological fathers," 00:00:37.407 --> 00:00:40.406 but should we really be using the word "father?" NOTE Paragraph 00:00:41.843 --> 00:00:44.248 As a philosopher and social scientist, 00:00:44.272 --> 00:00:48.494 I have been studying these questions about the concept of parenthood. 00:00:49.088 --> 00:00:52.116 But today, I will talk to you about what I learned 00:00:52.140 --> 00:00:54.280 from talking to parents and children. 00:00:55.377 --> 00:00:59.731 I will show you that they know what matters most in a family, 00:00:59.755 --> 00:01:02.286 even though their family looks a little different. 00:01:03.133 --> 00:01:08.134 I will show you their creative ways of dealing with tough questions. 00:01:09.287 --> 00:01:13.037 But I will also show you the parents' uncertainties. NOTE Paragraph 00:01:15.284 --> 00:01:16.815 We interviewed couples 00:01:16.839 --> 00:01:20.241 who received fertility treatment at Ghent University Hospital, 00:01:21.075 --> 00:01:22.814 using sperm from a donor. 00:01:23.183 --> 00:01:24.750 In this treatment timeline, 00:01:24.774 --> 00:01:28.066 you can see two points at which we conducted interviews. 00:01:28.994 --> 00:01:31.427 We included heterosexual couples, 00:01:32.055 --> 00:01:35.927 where the man for some reason did not have good-quality sperm, 00:01:36.435 --> 00:01:41.553 and lesbian couples who obviously needed to find sperm elsewhere. 00:01:42.996 --> 00:01:45.194 We also included children. 00:01:46.878 --> 00:01:48.361 I wanted to know 00:01:48.385 --> 00:01:53.018 how those children define concepts like parenthood and family. 00:01:54.150 --> 00:01:56.951 In fact, that is what I asked them, 00:01:58.259 --> 00:01:59.698 only not in that way. 00:02:01.437 --> 00:02:04.096 I drew an apple tree instead. 00:02:05.056 --> 00:02:08.403 This way, I could ask abstract, philosophical questions 00:02:08.427 --> 00:02:11.700 in a way that did not make them run off. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:13.332 --> 00:02:14.984 So as you can see, 00:02:15.008 --> 00:02:16.550 the apple tree is empty. 00:02:17.630 --> 00:02:20.243 And that illustrates my research approach. 00:02:20.659 --> 00:02:22.942 By designing techniques like this, 00:02:22.966 --> 00:02:27.739 I can bring as little meaning and content as possible to the interview, 00:02:28.533 --> 00:02:30.551 because I want to hear that from them. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:32.362 --> 00:02:33.694 I asked them: 00:02:34.738 --> 00:02:37.828 What would your family look like if it were an apple tree? 00:02:38.739 --> 00:02:42.489 And they could take a paper apple for everyone who, in their view, 00:02:42.513 --> 00:02:44.120 was a member of the family, 00:02:44.144 --> 00:02:47.318 write a name on it and hang it wherever they wanted. 00:02:47.342 --> 00:02:48.912 And I would ask questions. 00:02:50.153 --> 00:02:53.278 Most children started with a parent or a sibling. 00:02:53.806 --> 00:02:55.970 One started with "Boxer," 00:02:56.667 --> 00:02:59.175 the dead dog of his grandparents. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:59.830 --> 00:03:03.688 At this point, none of the children started mentioning the donor. 00:03:04.465 --> 00:03:08.803 So, I asked them about their birth story. 00:03:09.161 --> 00:03:11.183 I said, "Before you were born, 00:03:11.207 --> 00:03:13.570 it was just your mom and dad, 00:03:13.594 --> 00:03:14.872 or mom and mommy. 00:03:15.421 --> 00:03:18.478 Can you tell me how you came into the family?" 00:03:19.282 --> 00:03:20.721 And they explained. 00:03:21.602 --> 00:03:22.808 One said, 00:03:23.691 --> 00:03:26.164 "My parents did not have good seeds, 00:03:26.865 --> 00:03:30.887 but there are friendly men out there who have spare seeds. 00:03:31.386 --> 00:03:33.136 They bring them to the hospital, 00:03:33.160 --> 00:03:35.374 and they put them in a big jar. 00:03:36.249 --> 00:03:37.486 My mommy went there, 00:03:37.510 --> 00:03:40.081 and she took two from the jar, 00:03:40.786 --> 00:03:42.924 one for me and one for my sister. 00:03:43.725 --> 00:03:45.774 She put the seeds in her belly -- 00:03:46.161 --> 00:03:47.353 somehow -- 00:03:48.236 --> 00:03:50.543 and her belly grew really big, 00:03:50.567 --> 00:03:51.819 and there I was." NOTE Paragraph 00:03:53.289 --> 00:03:54.439 Hmm. 00:03:56.123 --> 00:04:00.191 So only when they started mentioning the donor, 00:04:00.215 --> 00:04:03.440 I asked questions about him, using their own words. 00:04:03.926 --> 00:04:05.325 I said, 00:04:05.349 --> 00:04:09.815 "If this would be an apple for the friendly man with the seeds, 00:04:09.839 --> 00:04:11.172 what would you do with it?" 00:04:12.069 --> 00:04:14.427 And one boy was thinking out loud, 00:04:14.451 --> 00:04:15.819 holding the apple. 00:04:15.843 --> 00:04:17.088 And he said, 00:04:17.890 --> 00:04:20.584 "I won't put this one up there with the others. 00:04:21.239 --> 00:04:23.132 He's not part of my family. 00:04:24.191 --> 00:04:26.385 But I will not put him on the ground. 00:04:26.409 --> 00:04:28.319 That's too cold and too hard. 00:04:29.024 --> 00:04:31.325 I think he should be in the trunk, 00:04:32.207 --> 00:04:34.550 because he made my family possible. 00:04:35.264 --> 00:04:37.218 If he would not have done this, 00:04:37.242 --> 00:04:41.200 that would really be sad because my family would not be here, 00:04:41.224 --> 00:04:42.820 and I would not be here." NOTE Paragraph 00:04:45.845 --> 00:04:49.373 So also, parents constructed family tales -- 00:04:49.397 --> 00:04:51.154 tales to tell their children. 00:04:52.660 --> 00:04:55.787 One couple explained their insemination 00:04:55.811 --> 00:04:58.334 by taking their children to a farm 00:04:59.291 --> 00:05:01.852 to watch a vet inseminate cows. 00:05:03.656 --> 00:05:05.027 And why not? 00:05:05.051 --> 00:05:07.491 It's their way of explaining; 00:05:07.515 --> 00:05:10.541 their do-it-yourself with family narratives. 00:05:10.981 --> 00:05:12.161 DIY. 00:05:12.533 --> 00:05:14.901 And we had another couple who made books -- 00:05:14.925 --> 00:05:16.380 a book for each child. 00:05:16.752 --> 00:05:18.274 They were really works of art 00:05:18.298 --> 00:05:21.774 containing their thoughts and feelings throughout the treatment. 00:05:22.192 --> 00:05:24.806 They even had the hospital parking tickets in there. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:25.553 --> 00:05:27.174 So it is DIY: 00:05:27.198 --> 00:05:29.580 finding ways, words and images 00:05:29.604 --> 00:05:32.354 to tell your family story to your child. 00:05:33.717 --> 00:05:36.532 And these stories were highly diverse, 00:05:36.940 --> 00:05:39.876 but they all had one thing in common: 00:05:41.913 --> 00:05:45.134 it was a tale of longing for a child 00:05:45.885 --> 00:05:47.563 and a quest for that child. 00:05:48.370 --> 00:05:53.437 It was about how special and how deeply loved their child was. 00:05:55.142 --> 00:05:59.790 And research so far shows that these children are doing fine. 00:05:59.814 --> 00:06:02.408 They do not have more problems than other kids. NOTE Paragraph 00:06:02.854 --> 00:06:07.275 Yet, these parents also wanted to justify their decisions 00:06:07.299 --> 00:06:08.961 through the tales they tell. 00:06:09.505 --> 00:06:12.639 They hoped that their children would understand their reasons 00:06:12.663 --> 00:06:14.498 for making the family in this way. 00:06:15.865 --> 00:06:19.819 Underlying was a fear that their children might disapprove 00:06:19.843 --> 00:06:22.085 and would reject the non-genetic parent. 00:06:22.511 --> 00:06:25.131 And that fear is understandable, 00:06:25.155 --> 00:06:28.196 because we live in a very heteronormative 00:06:28.220 --> 00:06:29.958 and geneticized society -- 00:06:30.438 --> 00:06:31.930 a world that still believes 00:06:31.954 --> 00:06:36.106 that true families consist of one mom, one dad 00:06:36.130 --> 00:06:38.467 and their genetically related children. NOTE Paragraph 00:06:39.738 --> 00:06:40.893 Well. 00:06:42.165 --> 00:06:45.266 I want to tell you about a teenage boy. 00:06:45.290 --> 00:06:48.059 He was donor-conceived but not part of our study. 00:06:48.658 --> 00:06:51.276 One day, he had an argument with his father, 00:06:51.300 --> 00:06:52.592 and he yelled, 00:06:53.305 --> 00:06:55.402 "You're telling me what to do? 00:06:55.426 --> 00:06:57.307 You're not even my father!" 00:06:59.601 --> 00:07:02.983 That was exactly what the parents in our study feared. 00:07:03.984 --> 00:07:07.213 Now, the boy soon felt sorry, and they made up. 00:07:07.629 --> 00:07:11.400 But it is the reaction of his father that is most interesting. NOTE Paragraph 00:07:12.169 --> 00:07:13.342 He said, 00:07:13.772 --> 00:07:19.134 "This outburst had nothing to do with the lack of a genetic link. 00:07:19.765 --> 00:07:22.642 It was about puberty -- 00:07:23.005 --> 00:07:24.446 being difficult. 00:07:24.470 --> 00:07:26.233 It's what they do at that age. 00:07:26.792 --> 00:07:28.066 It will pass." NOTE Paragraph 00:07:29.462 --> 00:07:31.318 What this man shows us 00:07:31.342 --> 00:07:33.930 is that when something goes wrong, 00:07:34.564 --> 00:07:36.165 we should not immediately think 00:07:36.189 --> 00:07:38.596 it is because the family is a little different. 00:07:39.330 --> 00:07:42.416 These things happen in all families. 00:07:43.936 --> 00:07:45.426 And every now and then, 00:07:45.818 --> 00:07:47.495 all parents may wonder: 00:07:48.412 --> 00:07:50.441 Am I a good enough parent? 00:07:51.164 --> 00:07:52.488 These parents, too. 00:07:53.099 --> 00:07:57.192 They, above all, wanted to do what's best for their child. 00:07:57.748 --> 00:07:59.643 But they also sometimes wondered: 00:08:00.034 --> 00:08:01.810 Am I a real parent? 00:08:02.288 --> 00:08:06.257 And their uncertainties were present long before they even were parents. NOTE Paragraph 00:08:06.281 --> 00:08:07.713 At the start of treatment, 00:08:07.737 --> 00:08:09.452 when they first saw the counselor, 00:08:10.146 --> 00:08:12.841 they paid close attention to the counselor, 00:08:12.865 --> 00:08:14.872 because they wanted to do it right. 00:08:15.853 --> 00:08:17.331 Even 10 years later, 00:08:18.053 --> 00:08:20.672 they still remember the advice they were given. NOTE Paragraph 00:08:24.981 --> 00:08:27.882 So when they thought about the counselor 00:08:28.854 --> 00:08:30.653 and the advice they were given, 00:08:30.677 --> 00:08:31.840 we discussed that. 00:08:31.864 --> 00:08:35.428 And we saw one lesbian couple who said, 00:08:36.627 --> 00:08:38.231 "When our son asks us, 00:08:38.255 --> 00:08:40.304 'Do I have a dad?' 00:08:41.482 --> 00:08:44.294 we will say 'No, you do not have a dad.' 00:08:44.839 --> 00:08:47.907 But we will say nothing more, not unless he asks, 00:08:48.287 --> 00:08:50.315 because he might not be ready for that. 00:08:50.339 --> 00:08:51.839 The counselor said so." NOTE Paragraph 00:08:53.350 --> 00:08:54.520 Well. 00:08:55.091 --> 00:08:56.993 I don't know; that's quite different 00:08:57.017 --> 00:08:59.710 from how we respond to children's questions. 00:09:00.473 --> 00:09:03.274 Like, "Milk -- is that made in a factory?" 00:09:03.783 --> 00:09:06.945 We will say, "No, it comes from cows," 00:09:06.969 --> 00:09:08.725 and we will talk about the farmer, 00:09:08.749 --> 00:09:10.972 and the way the milk ends up in the shop. 00:09:11.806 --> 00:09:13.353 We will not say, 00:09:14.102 --> 00:09:17.710 "No, milk is not made in a factory." 00:09:20.042 --> 00:09:22.472 So something strange happened here, 00:09:22.496 --> 00:09:24.854 and of course these children noticed that. NOTE Paragraph 00:09:25.571 --> 00:09:26.856 One boy said, 00:09:27.445 --> 00:09:29.837 "I asked my parents loads of questions, 00:09:29.861 --> 00:09:31.670 but they acted really weird. 00:09:32.788 --> 00:09:36.732 So, you know, I have a friend at school, and she's made in the same way. 00:09:37.241 --> 00:09:40.241 When I have a question, I just go and ask her." 00:09:41.760 --> 00:09:42.968 Clever guy. 00:09:43.630 --> 00:09:44.927 Problem solved. 00:09:45.765 --> 00:09:48.349 But his parents did not notice, 00:09:48.875 --> 00:09:51.457 and it certainly was not what they had in mind, 00:09:51.481 --> 00:09:53.415 nor what the counselor had in mind 00:09:53.439 --> 00:09:58.636 when they were saying how important it is to be an open-communication family. NOTE Paragraph 00:10:00.462 --> 00:10:02.716 And that's the strange thing about advice. 00:10:02.740 --> 00:10:06.036 When we offer people pills, we gather evidence first. 00:10:06.536 --> 00:10:07.792 We do tests, 00:10:07.816 --> 00:10:09.117 we do follow-up studies. 00:10:09.141 --> 00:10:13.068 We want to know, and rightly so, what this pill is doing 00:10:13.092 --> 00:10:15.588 and how it affects people's lives. 00:10:16.035 --> 00:10:17.356 And advice? 00:10:18.748 --> 00:10:20.594 It is not enough for advice, 00:10:20.618 --> 00:10:25.441 or for professionals to give advice that is theoretically sound, 00:10:25.465 --> 00:10:26.766 or well-meant. 00:10:27.447 --> 00:10:30.828 It should be advice that there is evidence for -- 00:10:30.852 --> 00:10:34.753 evidence that it actually improves patients' lives. NOTE Paragraph 00:10:36.174 --> 00:10:40.737 So the philosopher in me would now like to offer you a paradox: 00:10:42.308 --> 00:10:46.392 I advise you to stop following advice. 00:10:47.897 --> 00:10:49.289 But, yes. NOTE Paragraph 00:10:50.221 --> 00:10:53.138 (Applause) NOTE Paragraph 00:10:54.591 --> 00:10:57.154 I will not end here with what went wrong; 00:10:57.178 --> 00:11:01.414 I would not be doing justice to the warmth we found in those families. 00:11:02.931 --> 00:11:05.561 Remember the books and the trip to the farmer? 00:11:05.585 --> 00:11:09.199 When parents do things that work for them, 00:11:09.572 --> 00:11:11.145 they do brilliant things. 00:11:12.391 --> 00:11:16.034 What I want you to remember as members of families, 00:11:16.058 --> 00:11:18.549 in no matter what form or shape, 00:11:18.930 --> 00:11:24.277 is that what families need are warm relationships. 00:11:25.409 --> 00:11:28.870 And we do not need to be professionals to create those. 00:11:29.644 --> 00:11:31.946 Most of us do just fine, 00:11:32.986 --> 00:11:34.695 although it may be hard work, 00:11:35.038 --> 00:11:37.908 and from time to time, we can do with some advice. NOTE Paragraph 00:11:39.209 --> 00:11:40.480 In that case, 00:11:40.504 --> 00:11:42.527 bear in mind three things. 00:11:43.760 --> 00:11:47.047 Work with advice that works for your family. 00:11:48.008 --> 00:11:53.486 Remember -- you're the expert, because you live your family life. 00:11:54.681 --> 00:11:55.965 And finally, 00:11:56.478 --> 00:12:00.468 believe in your abilities and your creativity, 00:12:01.027 --> 00:12:04.372 because you can do it yourself. NOTE Paragraph 00:12:05.259 --> 00:12:06.413 Thank you. NOTE Paragraph 00:12:06.437 --> 00:12:12.915 (Applause)