How language generates your world and mine | Chalmers Brothers | TEDxBocaRaton
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0:08 - 0:11We speak ourselves into the world.
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0:11 - 0:14We speak ourselves
into transformation, or not. -
0:15 - 0:19Into new possibilities
and new results for ourselves, or not. -
0:20 - 0:22TED is about ideas worth spreading,
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0:22 - 0:26I believe it's also about ideas
worth reminding ourselves of, -
0:26 - 0:28because what I want
to share with you today, -
0:28 - 0:30I believe many of us know, or knew,
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0:30 - 0:33but somehow, somewhere
along the way, we forgot. -
0:33 - 0:36And it's easy to forget this
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0:36 - 0:38because in some ways
it's so close we don't see it, -
0:38 - 0:40it's so obvious we can miss it.
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0:40 - 0:42What I would love to do today
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0:42 - 0:46is to reintroduce you,
to remind you of this idea -
0:46 - 0:48- which is really
two sides of the same coin, -
0:48 - 0:51two aspects of the same powerful idea -
-
0:51 - 0:53and do so in such a way
that you can leave here today -
0:53 - 0:56more conscious and more aware
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0:56 - 0:59of how to purposely
apply this in your life. -
1:00 - 1:02I ask a room full of people,
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1:02 - 1:04"What is language? What is language for?"
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1:04 - 1:06And what would
the giant majority answer with? -
1:07 - 1:10A tool for communication,
or some variation of this. -
1:10 - 1:12This is such a widely held idea,
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1:12 - 1:14or a way of understanding language,
-
1:14 - 1:17that most people
don't see it as an idea at all. -
1:17 - 1:21We see it as a definition. As a fact.
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1:21 - 1:26I offer this: if language is a tool,
it's a tool we cannot put down. -
1:26 - 1:28When we look a little bit more closely,
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1:28 - 1:31we can see that we are doing
a great deal more -
1:31 - 1:34than communicate
and describe with our language. -
1:34 - 1:35So, point number one:
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1:35 - 1:39language creates and generates,
it does not simply describe. -
1:40 - 1:43Some examples: think about
every single time in your life -
1:43 - 1:45you've ever said the word "yes".
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1:45 - 1:47Every time.
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1:47 - 1:49Now consider: if all
those times you had said no, -
1:49 - 1:51would your life be different?
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1:52 - 1:53You wouldn't be here.
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1:53 - 1:56The simple act of saying yes,
you move in the world this way, -
1:57 - 1:59these doors open,
these doors close, and vice versa. -
1:59 - 2:01We're not describing.
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2:01 - 2:03One of my favorite stories
about how language creates -
2:03 - 2:04is a baseball story.
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2:05 - 2:08Two umpires sitting around talking,
and the first one is saying, -
2:08 - 2:09"You know, Joe is a fabulous umpire:
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2:09 - 2:12there's balls in his strikes,
he calls them like they are." -
2:12 - 2:15The second umpire said,
"No no no, Joe is a great umpire. -
2:15 - 2:18There's balls in his strikes,
but he calls them like he sees them." -
2:18 - 2:20Joe said, "Ya'll both wrong."
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2:20 - 2:23He says, "There's balls in my strikes,
but they are nothing till I call them." -
2:23 - 2:24(Laughter)
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2:24 - 2:28When he says "Strike three",
it is "Strike three". -
2:28 - 2:30This question is for everybody
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2:30 - 2:32who is married,
or who has ever been married. -
2:32 - 2:33It's a simple question:
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2:33 - 2:36Is it different being married
than not being married? -
2:37 - 2:38Yes.
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2:38 - 2:42It's different legally, socially,
sexually, emotionally, financially. -
2:42 - 2:44It's different.
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2:44 - 2:45So the question:
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2:45 - 2:48how do we go from being
not married to being married? -
2:48 - 2:49How'd that happen?
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2:50 - 2:52Somebody said something.
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2:52 - 2:54And in that moment it's different,
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2:54 - 2:57and it's not a little bit different,
it's really different. -
2:57 - 2:59We speak ourselves into the world.
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3:00 - 3:03How was the United States
of America created? -
3:03 - 3:07What is there, in the Archives,
right next to the Constitution -
3:07 - 3:08in Washington D.C.?
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3:08 - 3:09The Declaration.
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3:09 - 3:12This country was declared into being.
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3:12 - 3:14Now, there was work to do after that, yes,
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3:14 - 3:17but without the Declaration
does not happen. -
3:17 - 3:20How was Jim's Auto Body Shop
down the street created? -
3:20 - 3:23And all organizations for that matter?
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3:23 - 3:25They were also declared into being,
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3:25 - 3:29and Jim and the rest of us
can find the evidence in the file cabinet, -
3:29 - 3:31"We hereby shareholders
declare part 100, a, b, c; -
3:31 - 3:35August, 1, the company doesn't exist,
August, 2, it does." -
3:35 - 3:38Leaders get paid
to have effective conversations. -
3:39 - 3:42Leaders create
and continually sustain and cultivate -
3:42 - 3:45this non-physical but very real
and very powerful thing -
3:45 - 3:47called corporate culture,
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3:47 - 3:50not with shovels
and fertilizer, of course, -
3:50 - 3:54but with the conversations they have,
the conversations they require, -
3:54 - 3:57and the conversations
they prohibit in their organizations. -
3:58 - 4:01These conversations
shape and impact that culture -
4:01 - 4:06every bit as much as the culture
influences the workplace conversations. -
4:07 - 4:08Causality is two-way.
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4:10 - 4:11Now, let's get personal.
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4:11 - 4:13Think about somebody in your life
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4:13 - 4:17with whom you have
a close, deep, excellent relationship. -
4:17 - 4:20Your conversations with that person
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4:20 - 4:23create the experience of intimacy,
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4:23 - 4:28generate the space of authenticity
and vulnerability, not describe it. -
4:29 - 4:31You change those conversations,
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4:31 - 4:33and you change that relationship.
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4:34 - 4:36You end those conversations,
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4:36 - 4:38and you end the relationship.
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4:39 - 4:41Back to the wedding:
Is there not a moment in most weddings -
4:41 - 4:44when the person doing the ceremony
will say some version of this: -
4:44 - 4:48"Anybody here thinks that so and so
and so and so should not be married? -
4:48 - 4:50Speak now, or forever hold your peace."
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4:50 - 4:51Here's my promise to you:
-
4:51 - 4:54you stand up in that moment
and you scream: "I object!", -
4:54 - 4:58you are not describing,
you are creating. (Laughter) -
4:58 - 4:59Think about it.
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4:59 - 5:02You're creating chaos, a crisis,
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5:02 - 5:06you're also creating
a brand new relationship with the groom. -
5:07 - 5:08Think about it.
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5:08 - 5:12And a brand, spanking new
public identity for yourself. -
5:12 - 5:15(Laughter)
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5:15 - 5:17I am not saying
we don't describe with language. -
5:17 - 5:20What I'm saying is
that is not all that we do. -
5:21 - 5:25And it's this whole other
"not all that we do" -
5:25 - 5:26that's worth looking at.
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5:27 - 5:29One more example.
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5:29 - 5:33In times of ongoing change,
exactly like those we live in today, -
5:34 - 5:39our ability to continually learn
is critically important. -
5:39 - 5:44And one of the most spectacularly
powerful prerequisites for learning, -
5:44 - 5:46regardless of whether
we're learning to ride a bike, -
5:46 - 5:49learning to rebuild a relationship,
learning to lead a company, -
5:49 - 5:51that prerequisite is a language step,
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5:51 - 5:54and it's when the learner says,
either internally or out loud, -
5:54 - 5:56"I don't know."
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5:58 - 6:01Declaring "I don't know"
does not describe a state of affairs, -
6:01 - 6:02it produces something.
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6:03 - 6:05What it produces
is called a context for learning; -
6:05 - 6:07not physical, very real.
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6:08 - 6:11We declare beginnerhood into being.
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6:11 - 6:13We speak it so.
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6:13 - 6:15Just like the umpire.
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6:16 - 6:17Everybody here knows this:
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6:17 - 6:21Who here in this room has ever tried
to teach somebody something -
6:21 - 6:23when the learner thought
they already knew it? -
6:23 - 6:25How much learning takes place?
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6:25 - 6:27Not much.
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6:27 - 6:28So point number one:
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6:28 - 6:31language creates and generates,
it does not simply describe. -
6:31 - 6:34Point number two: we live in language.
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6:36 - 6:38We live in language.
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6:38 - 6:40Now, that expression, what does it mean?
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6:40 - 6:41I like to frame it this way.
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6:41 - 6:45Who here in this room
has the little voice inside? -
6:45 - 6:47When it's saying,
"What's he talking about?" -
6:47 - 6:49that's what I'm talking about.
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6:49 - 6:50Who has a debate team?
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6:50 - 6:52(Laughter)
-
6:52 - 6:55One of my favorite quotes
of all time is Mark Twain. -
6:55 - 6:58He said, "I'm always in a conversation.
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6:58 - 7:00And sometimes, other people are involved."
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7:00 - 7:03(Laughter)
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7:03 - 7:05It's not just Mark Twain, it's us.
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7:05 - 7:06It's all of us.
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7:06 - 7:09And because we live in language,
this is what we do. -
7:09 - 7:12You, and I, and all of us,
we are confronted with events. -
7:12 - 7:15Events at home, events at work,
events with our kids, -
7:15 - 7:18events in college,
events at the beach; events. -
7:18 - 7:21And what we do as a human beings,
we make up stories about these events, -
7:21 - 7:23we hold these stories to be the truth,
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7:23 - 7:25and we forget that we made them up.
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7:25 - 7:26(Laughter)
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7:26 - 7:29Now, when I say "story",
I don't mean fib, or fabrication, -
7:29 - 7:33it's not a purposeful manipulation,
it's not a self-deception. -
7:33 - 7:35It's an interpretation.
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7:35 - 7:37An explanation.
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7:37 - 7:40A crucial distinction
for us to possess -
7:40 - 7:43is event is not equal explanation.
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7:44 - 7:47Event is not equal explanation.
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7:47 - 7:48One example:
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7:48 - 7:50your child comes home from school,
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7:50 - 7:54looks up at you straight in the eye,
and says, "I'm stupid." -
7:54 - 7:57"What are you talking about?"
"I'm stupid." -
7:57 - 7:59"What are you talking about?"
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7:59 - 8:03"I got an F on my English test."
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8:03 - 8:06In this little example, what's the event?
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8:07 - 8:08The F on the test.
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8:08 - 8:10What's the explanation?
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8:10 - 8:11"I'm stupid."
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8:11 - 8:15Question: if that kid lives
in that conversation long enough, -
8:15 - 8:17is that a descriptive thing
or a creative thing? -
8:17 - 8:19That's a creative thing.
-
8:19 - 8:22And let's back up from the F
on the test and think more broadly. -
8:22 - 8:26Is it the events of your life
or your explanations about those events -
8:26 - 8:28that are more influential
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8:28 - 8:31as to the actual actions
you end up taking in the world? -
8:32 - 8:33It's the explanations.
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8:33 - 8:36And not only actual actions
we take in the world, -
8:36 - 8:39we produce something
called results in the world -
8:39 - 8:41in a wide variety of areas, do we not?
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8:42 - 8:44Yes.
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8:44 - 8:47And the explanation
is the spring board, not the event. -
8:48 - 8:49Out of any given event,
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8:49 - 8:51how many possible explanations are there?
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8:53 - 8:54Infinite.
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8:56 - 8:57What if we can break a habit?
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8:57 - 9:01What if we can break the habit
of throwing the right wrong scaffolding -
9:01 - 9:04on top of our and other
people's explanations? -
9:04 - 9:07"My explanation is right, yours is wrong,
this is right, this is wrong." -
9:07 - 9:09What if we can stop that,
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9:09 - 9:12and instead have something
called 'powerful-unpowerful'. -
9:12 - 9:14It would look like this:
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9:14 - 9:16Is your explanation
powerful or unpowerful, -
9:16 - 9:19given the results you say you want?
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9:21 - 9:24Does my explanation
serve me or not serve me, -
9:24 - 9:29given what I say I want to be,
do, or have in this situation, -
9:29 - 9:30in this relationship?
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9:30 - 9:34Always with the tagline
"given the results we say we want" -
9:34 - 9:35never in a vacuum.
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9:36 - 9:38Never in a vacuum.
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9:38 - 9:41Because we're doing it already anyway.
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9:41 - 9:43That's not in doubt.
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9:43 - 9:44We are Mark Twain.
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9:45 - 9:48Have you ever known someone
who didn't see themselves as doing this? -
9:48 - 9:51Because this is about self awareness.
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9:51 - 9:53It's not a problem that we do this.
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9:53 - 9:55The only problem is
we don't see that we're doing it! -
9:55 - 9:59Here's what someone must look like
who does not see himself as doing this. -
9:59 - 10:03It's wonderful to meet everyone today,
and it's obvious to me how each of you -
10:03 - 10:06are necessarily influenced
by your age, your race, your sex, -
10:06 - 10:09your degree of travel
or non-travel when you were little, -
10:09 - 10:11and your cultural, educational,
and work histories, -
10:11 - 10:14and all these necessarily service filters
to which you perceive reality. -
10:14 - 10:17I, on the other hand, am somehow
blessed with cosmic objectivity, -
10:17 - 10:20was somehow born
unfettered in this regard, -
10:20 - 10:21and unburdened by all the cognitive,
-
10:21 - 10:24emotional, and cultural filters
that clog you up. -
10:24 - 10:26My eyes are more like
clear panes of glass, -
10:26 - 10:29amazingly allowing me
access to native reality -
10:29 - 10:32in such a way that it yields
cosmically objective viewpoints. -
10:32 - 10:33How excellent for me
-
10:33 - 10:36that I was somehow born
and blessed with such a gift? -
10:36 - 10:37(Laughter) (Applause)
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10:41 - 10:43I get to this part in a workshop,
-
10:43 - 10:45a guy stands up in the back
of the room and says, -
10:45 - 10:49"My brother, my brother, finally!
Someone who understands me!" (Laughter) -
10:49 - 10:52"I thought I was alone!
The burden of this gift! -
10:52 - 10:54The only one with any objectivity!"
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10:56 - 10:59Everybody is interpreting, no matter what,
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10:59 - 11:01no exceptions, ever.
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11:01 - 11:02One of my teachers said this,
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11:02 - 11:05"Everything that is said,
is said by someone." -
11:06 - 11:08(Laughter)
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11:08 - 11:10Think about it.
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11:10 - 11:12Somebody who was born somewhere,
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11:12 - 11:14in some culture,
in some time period somewhere, -
11:14 - 11:17raised by individual human beings,
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11:17 - 11:19each of whom had standards,
distinctions, values, practices, -
11:19 - 11:22experiences, moods, like each of us.
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11:22 - 11:25But folks, here is the consequence,
and we know this: -
11:25 - 11:30if you do not see yourself
as doing this now, making up explanations, -
11:30 - 11:32and you couple that with not producing
-
11:32 - 11:35some important result
that you say you want, -
11:35 - 11:38well, then the option for you of offering
a more powerful interpretation, -
11:38 - 11:40it'll never occur to you.
-
11:40 - 11:42It'll be off your radar screen,
-
11:42 - 11:45because if you don't think
you're doing it now, -
11:45 - 11:46there's nothing to update.
-
11:48 - 11:51And what you have effectively done
is take off the table -
11:51 - 11:53a spectacular leverage point.
-
11:53 - 11:54For intervening at the level
-
11:54 - 11:56you can make a real
difference, which is you. -
11:56 - 11:59We live in language
like a fish lives in water. -
11:59 - 12:02A fish is born in water,
lives in water; water, water, water. -
12:02 - 12:06Question: when would a fish first know,
he's born in water and lives in water? -
12:06 - 12:08When would he first know that?
-
12:08 - 12:10When you take him out.
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12:10 - 12:14We are born in language, live in language,
language all around, language everywhere. -
12:14 - 12:16Part of what I want to do today
is create a space -
12:16 - 12:21where we can begin to look at language
instead of living through it, -
12:21 - 12:24so we can be more aware
of what we're up to in language -
12:24 - 12:27and more conscious and more purposeful
-
12:27 - 12:31about how we wield this creative,
generative energy we call language. -
12:32 - 12:36We are swimming, each of us,
in an ocean of stories, -
12:36 - 12:39interpretations, explanations and beliefs,
-
12:39 - 12:41all of which live in language
-
12:41 - 12:45and a great majority of which we have
long since forgotten that we authored. -
12:46 - 12:50Some of these stories, interpretations,
explanations, and beliefs -
12:50 - 12:54absolutely do not take us today
and will not take us tomorrow -
12:54 - 12:57where we say we want to go.
-
12:57 - 13:00But because we have forgotten
that we are the author, -
13:01 - 13:05we have also forgotten that we have
the authority and the ability -
13:05 - 13:08to change them, update them,
transcend them or let them go. -
13:09 - 13:13So number one:
language creates and generates. -
13:13 - 13:15Plus, number two:
we live in language equals, -
13:15 - 13:18we are always creating
or generating something, -
13:20 - 13:23it just may or may not be
what we say we want. -
13:24 - 13:29What do you most seek in
to be, do, or have in your life? -
13:31 - 13:35Because regardless of how you answer
that question, these questions, -
13:35 - 13:40I'm here today to remind you
you speak yourself into the world. -
13:41 - 13:44We are not human beings,
we are human becomings. -
13:45 - 13:46We are.
-
13:46 - 13:51And in this neverending dance of learning,
growing, evolving, and becoming, -
13:51 - 13:55this ideal, this way
of understanding language, -
13:55 - 13:57this way of understanding ourselves,
-
13:57 - 13:59is the key.
-
14:00 - 14:05I invite you, I challenge you
as you leave here today, -
14:05 - 14:10to be a more powerful observer of yourself
and what you're up to in language -
14:10 - 14:14and live with ongoing awareness
and acceptance of your role -
14:14 - 14:17as the author of your life.
-
14:17 - 14:18(Applause)
-
14:19 - 14:21Thank you.
-
14:21 - 14:22(Applause)
- Title:
- How language generates your world and mine | Chalmers Brothers | TEDxBocaRaton
- Description:
-
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx
We speak ourselves into the world, whether we're aware of this or not and whether we're creating the sorts of results we want or not. In this inspired and funny talk, author and veteran executive coach Chalmers Brothers shares a new and powerful way of understanding language, conversations, relationships, leadership... and ourselves.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 14:31
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for How language generates your world and mine | Chalmers Brothers | TEDXBocaRaton | ||
Ivana Korom edited English subtitles for How language generates your world and mine | Chalmers Brothers | TEDXBocaRaton | ||
Denise RQ approved English subtitles for How language generates your world and mine | Chalmers Brothers | TEDXBocaRaton | ||
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for How language generates your world and mine | Chalmers Brothers | TEDXBocaRaton | ||
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for How language generates your world and mine | Chalmers Brothers | TEDXBocaRaton | ||
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for How language generates your world and mine | Chalmers Brothers | TEDXBocaRaton | ||
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for How language generates your world and mine | Chalmers Brothers | TEDXBocaRaton | ||
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for How language generates your world and mine | Chalmers Brothers | TEDXBocaRaton |