Engaging men as allies in preventing violence against women | Robert Eckstein | TEDxPiscataquaRiver

Sexual violence is one of the only social problems for which the onus (both professionally and personally) falls almost entirely on one gender. Dr. Robert Eckstein show us that in order to effectively reduce rates of sexual violence, it is essential that men become more engaged in the process. He shares some relatively simple, but effective strategies to engage men in becoming stronger allies to this cause.

Dr. Robert Eckstein is a Senior Lecturer at the University of New Hampshire for both the Department of Psychology and the Justice Studies Program, where he also serves as the Internship Coordinator for the undergraduate and graduate programs. He is also a the Curriculum Development Specialist for Prevention Innovations Research Center, a research group at the University of New Hampshire that focuses on the prevention of sexual assault, relationship abuse, and stalking.

Dr. Eckstein was given the University of New Hampshire’s Excellence in Teaching Award in 2010. He is the co-author of Bringing in the Bystander: A Prevention Workshop for Establishing a Community of Responsibility, an evidence-based, educational program aimed at implementing bystander intervention as a means of preventing violence against women.He is also the co-author of a high school adaptation of Bringing in the Bystander that is currently being evaluated through a federal Center for Disease Control grant.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

I work at the University of New Hampshire

where, among my other responsibilities,

I'm part of a research group called
'Prevention Innovations'.

Our primary mission is to create
and evaluate tools

that help with the prevention

of sexual violence, relationship violence,
and stalking.

Currently, there are 20 researchers
and practitioners,

that are part of 'Prevention Innovations',

and of the 20 I'm the only one

who identities as 'male'.

2 or 3 times a year,

I attend national conferences
related to this topic,

and the gender split at these conferences

is similarly skewed.

There have been
some remarkably important contributions

in the field in the recent years,

that have come from men.

But the majority of researchers,
practitioners and policy experts,

working to address this issue, are women.

As a man working in this field,
I take it as a given

that I will be in the minority.

But when we compare this
to other issues of social concern,

we can see how unique this is.

There are very few other problems
like this

that are being tackled almost entirely

by people of one gender.

Just think of a few examples:

Homelessness, drug addiction,

climate change, poverty,

racial injustice.

The list could go on
and we'd have a difficult time finding one

that is being addressed

by entirely men, or entirely women.

So how did it come to be

that women are and have been doing

the overwhelming majority of the work
in this field?

Why do women seem so much more passionate

about working to end relationship violence
and sexual violence?

And lastly, how do we get more men
involved in this important fight?

I will do my best
towards the end of my talk

to try to answer this question.

But first, I'll try to answer a question

that I've been asked countless times:

How do you get involved in a field
that focuses on the prevention

of violence against women?

When I began my graduate training
in clinical psychology

I knew I wanted to be a psychotherapist,

but I was uncertain of a specific focus

and not sure with which types of clients
I wanted to work.

My graduate program prided itself
in providing a generalist education,

where students were encouraged to try
a variety of different things.

So I took this sage advice
of being open to a whole variety

of clinical experiences.

So in my 4 years as a graduate student,

and in my first 2 years
as a young professional,

I spent time doing clinical work

in two College counseling centres,
two community mental health centres,

a state hospital,

and the mental health unit
of a maximum security prison.

It was about halfway through this process

that I started to notice a common theme
among many of my clients;

especially the women with whom I worked.

I was consistently surprised and saddened
by the number of my clients

who had a history of sexual trauma.

I want to make it clear, this was not
the case for all of my clients,

or maybe even the majority.

And I had a number of male clients
with similar life experiences.

But it definitely was a consistent theme.

Regardless of where I worked,
or what my clients looked like,

so many of them were living with instances

or multiple instances
of prior victimization.

Sometimes this came in a form
of a current abusive relationship

that they were trying to flee.

Sometimes it came in memories
of a childhood mourned

with the years of sexual abuse.

At some of the places I worked,
it was almost taken as a given

that a client would have such a history.

A client without a history of abuse

was the exception that proved the rule.

Even as somebody who was educated
and aware

of the sided prevalents rates,

I was still surprised
how much an abuse history

was a unifying theme
among my therapy clients.

Therapists are trained
to listen to their clients.

And if they listen carefully
and without judgement,

they eventually develop
a deep sense of empathy.

This comes more easily and more quickly
for some clients

than it does for others.

But I personally never struggled
to find empathy for my clients

who were survivors of sexual violence
or relationship violence.

And as it often happens,

as my empathy for individual clients
began to grow,

I developed a deeper compassion
for other people

who may be going through
something similar.

And I began to ask

who else may be going through this?

Do I know people in my own life
who may be silently struggling

with their own story of survival?

It was around this time
that I made more conscious decision

to be a vocal advocate and ally

to the cause of the prevention
of the violence against women.

I started to pay more attention
to how I talked about these issues

when they came up.

I became more consciencious

of my own personal history
of male privilege,

and I became more aware of
how I was coming across to other people.

It was important for me

that the people in my life knew

that this was something that I cared about
and that I took seriously.

Shortly after I became more vigilant
about this,

something interesting began to happen.

Various women that I know
began to share with me

their own personal experiences
of abuse and assault.

Someone shared with me a story
of sexual harassment

they endured at work;

another woman disclosed

that she'd been sexually assaulted
while in college,

and she was still struggling with symptoms
of PTSD;

and one person who I'd known for years

began to regularly open up to me
about sexual abuse

that had occurred during their childhood.

None of these disclosures were the result
of prying or prompting.

I honestlty believe that survivors
are just looking for a way

to share their story,

and I presented myself

as somebody who is willing to listen.

In a way, my professional experience

allowed me to care about this more

in my personal life.

And in turn, my personal life,
my personal experiences

deepened my desire to make this a part
of my professional identity.

So how do we get more men
to care about this important cause?

Well, like any other social problem
or public health crisis,

we do it by making it personal.

We do it by making it relatable.

We do it by bringing it close to home.

In the case of relationship violence
and sexual violence,

this is an easy thing to do,

even if it is a difficult thing
to consider.

Because relationship violence
and sexual violence

are already personal.

They're already relatable.

They're already hitting close to home.

The Center for Disease Control
has found that in the United States

1 in 4 women will be abused

by a relationship partner,

and 1 in 6 women will be the victim
of a completed or attempted rape.

I know this is a difficult thing
to think about,

but consider
some of the important women in your life,

some of the women that you care about.

Your partner, your friends,

your sisters, your daughters,

your mother, your grandmothers.

How many women are on this list?

Is it more than 4?

Is it more than 6?

The reality is everybody in this room

will have somebody in their life

that either has or will be
directly impacted by this problem.

So earlier I posed the question:
"How do we engage more man

in the prevention of violence
against women?"

My answer to that question is:
Let's start small.

Let's start with day to day things.

Let's start by making it clear
to the women in your life

that this is something
that you do care about.

I think this is an important message
regardless of gender.

But in my experience,

it's something that has been
more of a challenge for men.

So as I posed these questions
I'm posing them for everyone.

But I want the men that are listening
to pay especially close attention.

Do you feel confident
that the women that you care about

see you as an ally,

in the cause to prevent
violence against women?

When it comes up,
how do you talk about rape?

When it comes up,
how do you talk about domestic violence?

When there's a high-profile case
in the news,

or in our popular culture,

do you express your opinions
about this case?

And if so, how do you do it?

Do you know what 'victim blaming' is?

Do you know what 'rape myths' are?

Do you make it an effort
to avoid endorsing these ideas?

And in the most general of terms,

what type of language do you use
when you talk about women?

What type of language do you use
when you talk about gender?

And specifically for the men,

do you automatically become defensive

when you hear discussions related
to the violence against women?

Do you automatically become defensive

when you hear discussions
around male privilege?

If so, have you ever thought
how this comes accross

to the women that you care about?

And lastly, do people look at you
and say,

"This is somebody
I can share my story with,

without feeling judged or blamed?

This is somebody
with whom I can share my story

and feel confident that they will listen
and provide support."

Earlier, when I talked about engaging men
in this cause,

I was not talking about growing the ranks
of male researchers,

and policy experts and clinicians.

I believe that engaging men in this fight
can begin

by encouraging them to be better allies
and support systems

in the lives of women
that they are close to.

And what we know is

doing this can actually help
to prevent violence.

When we look at data
from the Department of Justice

we see that sexual assault,

childhood sexual abuse
and domestic violence,

are among the most under-reported crimes
in the United States.

In fact, for all of these crimes,
less than half of instances

are reported to the Police.

Similarly, less than half of these victims
seek professional help

from a trained victim advocate
or mental health professional.

Instead, if a victim tells anyone

about their abuse or assault

it is usually someone they are close to:

a sibling, a friend, a roommate.

So, despite the incredible work
that's being done

in crisis centers and shelters
and psychologist offices,

regular people, non professionals,

people listening to this right now,

are the first line of defence

in helping people to heal
in the aftermath of trauma.

There's a groundbreaking research on this

that comes from Dr Rebecca Campbell.

She found that
one of the strongest predictors

of somebody being able to heal
after they have been sexually assaulted

is the care that they receive
from the first person that they tell.

If the victim is cared for and supported,

they are less likely
to show symptoms of PTSD,

and they are more likely
to seek professional help

or legal counsel.

As a culture, we need to broaden
this personal level of support.

We need to make it clear to all survivors

that there are people in their life
that care.

It should be empowering for us to know

that simply by being supportive

we can help to reverse
the negative impact of trauma.

But providing this type of support,

not only helps people to heal
from previous acts of violence,

it can actually prevent
further victimization.

Sadly, one of the best predictors
of somebody being sexually assaulted

is having a prior history
of victimization.

Each act of interpersonal violence

increases the likelihood
of it reoccurring.

One factor, that powerfully mitigates
this cycle,

is the receiving
of proper care and support.

If the survivor is cared for

they are less likely to be re-victimized.

So, if we are able
to be present for survivors

we are literally keeping them safer
going forward.

And one final benefit to this approach

is we can actually make
our community safer.

We would all like to live in a community

where every instance
of interpersonal violence

is reported to the Police.

But the question should not be:
"Why don't more survivors report?".

The question should be:
"What can we do to create an environment

where they are more comfortable
doing so?"

Survivors are more likely
to report their crime to the Police

if they feel believed and supported

by those whom they are close to.

Experts agree that the best strategy
for increasing reporting rates

is not telling the victim
that they must go to the Police.

It is providing them with love and support

so they have the strength to do so
of their own accord.

So to summarize, if we are able
to be present in people's lives,

and provide emotional support,

we can decrease the risk
that they develop PTSD,

we can lower the risk
for future victimization,

and we can increase the likelihood

that they report their assault
to the Police.

Fortunately, you do not have to be
a trained psychologist

to effectively respond

to a disclosure of abuse or assault.

Anybody can be a good listener.

Anybody can patiently offer support.

In general, try to avoid telling a person
what they have to do.

Try to avoid asking too many questions.

Even if it's not your intention,

it may appear
that you're doubting their story.

And try to avoid feeling
like it's your job

to fix the problem,
or trying to seek vengeance.

Instead, what is suggested

is offering some simple words
of compassion and encouragement.

Some very basic things that I have found
to be powerful,

are saying things like:

"I'm so sorry that this happened to you."

"I appreciate that you shared
this with me."

"What can I do to help you?"

One final way that we can all be
better allies is

simply being aware of local resources

that you can share with somebody
if need be.

If you'd like to learn more

about relationship violence
or sexual violence,

or learn more about how to support others

there are lot of great resources.

If you listen to this here
in New Hampshire,

I recommend visiting the website

for The New Hampshire Coalition
Against Domestic and Sexual Violence.

If you are listening to this
outside of New Hampshire

I recommend visiting the website

for the National Sexual Violence
Resource Center.

Every survivor of interpersonal violence

deserves to have at least
one person in their life

who is willing to listen
and to provide support.

Too often is assumed

that this person will be a mother,
or a sister, or a daughter.

In my experience, in general,

women have done an incredible job
of filling this role.

But think of how much we are limiting
ourselves as a culture

by continuing this assumption.

So, this is a call to action for men
to join the ranks.

To strengthen our team of allies.

For all of the men that are listening,

at some point in your life,

a woman you care about

will be directly impacted by this problem.

Are you confident
that they will turn to you?

Are you confident
that they will see you as an ally?

Thank you.

(Applause)