Abnormal. Of course, abnormal | Guilia Fois | TEDxToulouse
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0:11 - 0:13Audio: Man: Hello, this is Simon speaking.
-
0:13 - 0:16Well, during sex, I sometimes think
about my ex-girlfriend. -
0:17 - 0:20I am wondering if it's normal,
considering I have a girlfriend and all. -
0:20 - 0:22Woman: Hello, Miss G.
-
0:22 - 0:24My name is Maëva, I am 18.
-
0:25 - 0:31I often hear that women always
reach orgasm after men, -
0:31 - 0:33like if we were actually
programmed this way. -
0:34 - 0:37I've heard that it takes more time
for women to come, -
0:37 - 0:40and for men, it is supposed
to happen faster. -
0:41 - 0:44I actually have the opposite problem
with my lover. -
0:45 - 0:47He always comes after me.
-
0:47 - 0:51Should I worry about this?
-
0:51 - 0:53Are we abnormal, or what?
-
0:54 - 0:56Thank you, Miss G. Cheers.
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0:57 - 0:58Man: Hello.
-
0:59 - 1:01I'm Pierre, calling Miss G.
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1:01 - 1:03After sex, I don't like to cuddle.
-
1:03 - 1:05My lover would like to hug me,
-
1:05 - 1:08but I'd rather be on my own a little bit,
before hugging. -
1:09 - 1:12He tells me that it is not normal
and it's a concern for me. -
1:12 - 1:16I would like to get your opinion on this.
Thank you. [Beep] -
1:18 - 1:20(Applause)
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1:22 - 1:24Giulia Fois: Am I normal?
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1:24 - 1:25There it is.
-
1:25 - 1:30The question I hear on the air,
every night or so, -
1:30 - 1:35it bothers nearly each listener,
explicitly or not. -
1:35 - 1:38It is the same question
sex therapists hear in their sessions, -
1:38 - 1:39time and time again.
-
1:39 - 1:42I know it can seem foolish.
-
1:42 - 1:45But, every single one of you here,
deep within yourselves, -
1:45 - 1:48at least once in your life
haven't you pondered: -
1:48 - 1:52"Why? Why this sudden urge?
Why this specific desire? -
1:52 - 1:54Why did I have this dream?
Why this fantasy? -
1:54 - 1:56Why him? Why her? And why this way?
-
1:57 - 2:00Why, now? Is this all normal, really?"
-
2:00 - 2:02Consequently, I asked myself,
-
2:02 - 2:07"With sex, what does it mean
to be normal? -
2:08 - 2:10Is there a sexual norm?
-
2:10 - 2:12Can sexuality actually be normal?
-
2:12 - 2:14Is it something we should wish for?"
-
2:14 - 2:17When such questions are popping up,
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2:17 - 2:20the best approach is to go back to basics.
-
2:20 - 2:23Let's take a look at what the dictionary
has to say about it. -
2:23 - 2:25First, the dictionary tells us that:
-
2:25 - 2:28normal: conforming to the nature
of a being or a thing, -
2:28 - 2:32to the organization of that thing,
something usual, logical, ordinary. -
2:32 - 2:34Second option:
-
2:34 - 2:37normal: complying to an average
considered as a norm, -
2:37 - 2:39that has no exceptional features;
-
2:39 - 2:40and finally,
-
2:40 - 2:44normal: can be used as a rule,
a model, a reference. -
2:44 - 2:48Let me suggest you to examine
these definitions together, -
2:48 - 2:51one after the other,
to check if they make sense. -
2:51 - 2:57Let's check if sexuality can conform
to the nature of a being or a thing, -
2:57 - 3:01if it can be usual, logical or ordinary.
-
3:05 - 3:07Voice: Woman: Hi Miss G, I'm Charlotte.
-
3:07 - 3:10I'm calling you
because tonight's theme is orgasm. -
3:10 - 3:13For me, the best way to summarize
that state is: -
3:13 - 3:15"I can't be held responsible
for my actions." -
3:15 - 3:19When it occurs, it captures
the whole body and eclipses all the rest. -
3:19 - 3:22Strangely, it's a bit like when sneezing,
or someone tickling you. -
3:22 - 3:26We might never be as aware of our own self
as in that very moment -
3:26 - 3:29and it can even lead
to embarrassing situations. -
3:29 - 3:33I remember, I recently reacted
rather violently -
3:33 - 3:37after my lover accidentally
interrupted my orgasm. -
3:37 - 3:41I told him, "I hate you!
Don't you ever do that again!" -
3:41 - 3:46I apologized afterwards.
Shame on me to act like a brute. -
3:46 - 3:49Well, that's also what orgasm is.
That's why we love it so much! -
3:49 - 3:51Thank you, and have a good show!
-
3:51 - 3:53[Ringtone]
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3:53 - 3:55GF: That's right.
Orgasm means complete abandon. -
3:55 - 3:59A total letting-go
that shakes us to the core. -
3:59 - 4:03This means that when we love,
when we desire, -
4:03 - 4:05nothing conforms to the nature
of things anymore. -
4:05 - 4:08We are out of ourselves,
we are beyond ourselves. -
4:08 - 4:12We all know it: heart beating hard,
butterflies in the stomach, -
4:12 - 4:13depending on the situation.
-
4:13 - 4:14Dilated pupils.
-
4:14 - 4:19Our body refuses to obey us,
and the mind plays in a loop. -
4:19 - 4:23It's totally abnormal,
yet totally natural. -
4:23 - 4:25Poets called it the intoxication
of senses. -
4:25 - 4:28And science and medicine finally
admitted they were right. -
4:28 - 4:32Yes, when we love
we are always a bit drunk, a bit insane. -
4:32 - 4:35Actually, in response
to a sexual or sensual stimulus, -
4:35 - 4:38our brain releases
a mixture of hormones -
4:38 - 4:40that will give us a natural high.
-
4:40 - 4:42First of all, the brain secretes dopamine,
-
4:42 - 4:46the hormone of motivation and reward,
that makes us come back for more. -
4:46 - 4:49When everything goes well,
the brain also secretes endorphins, -
4:49 - 4:51the hormone of pleasure.
-
4:51 - 4:54Finally, it secretes oxytocin,
the hormone of attachment. -
4:54 - 4:56We could say we are in overdrive.
-
4:56 - 4:58It appears clearly with brain imaging.
-
4:58 - 5:02All the brain areas linked to motivation
are hyper-excited -
5:02 - 5:05When this state goes on,
it is called love. -
5:05 - 5:07Love is biologically blind,
because at the same time, -
5:07 - 5:13all brain areas related to critical
judgment are somehow dormant. -
5:14 - 5:17Love is totally abnormal,
that's its essence. -
5:17 - 5:22When we reach the peeks
of sexual pleasure, it gets even worse. -
5:24 - 5:25Voice: Man: Hi Miss G, Felix speaking.
-
5:25 - 5:28I am calling for tonight's show.
-
5:28 - 5:32What does it feel like to achieve orgasm?
-
5:32 - 5:38For me, having an orgasm means
to feel and sense everything, -
5:38 - 5:42as well as not feeling
nor sensing anything. -
5:42 - 5:47Contradictory feelings that come and go,
like shot from a machine gun. -
5:47 - 5:52I am happy, I am comfortable,
and then I am sad, and melancolic, -
5:52 - 5:54I feel like laughing, I feel like crying.
-
5:54 - 5:56I feel like...
-
5:56 - 6:00We call the orgasm "the little death",
-
6:01 - 6:03and with reason.
-
6:03 - 6:07Because we feel alive,
we merge with our partner. -
6:07 - 6:11We don't talk about her or me anymore,
we talk about us. -
6:11 - 6:13We are a whole, a unity.
-
6:13 - 6:18The world can end right now
and nothing else matters. -
6:20 - 6:23Having an orgasm is somehow
like dying, in a certain way. -
6:23 - 6:26Have a great evening. Bye.
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6:28 - 6:30GF: I can see that some of you
relate to this, -
6:30 - 6:32and it is actually good news.
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6:32 - 6:36Indeed, when sexual pleasure increases,
-
6:36 - 6:38it reaches our guts,
-
6:38 - 6:41towards something more spontaneous,
even animalistic. -
6:41 - 6:46An animality that we spend our lives
trying to tame, to civilize, -
6:46 - 6:49because "this is the way",
or "that is not how we behave". -
6:49 - 6:51Then, all of a sudden,
none of that matters. -
6:51 - 6:54Our self loses part of its grandeur,
it gets less reasonable, -
6:54 - 6:56less polished, it's an exalting self.
-
6:56 - 6:59Yes, it is disturbing.
It's troubling, and it's scary. -
6:59 - 7:03So we feel the need to cling
to the familiar, to stereotypes, -
7:03 - 7:06to "ready-made thinking",
to common-place ideas, -
7:06 - 7:09and to others,
to all the others surrounding us, -
7:09 - 7:13We think that they know
and do better than us, -
7:13 - 7:16because they do "do things",
at least in our minds. -
7:16 - 7:18Therefore, we cling to our beliefs,
-
7:18 - 7:21in another word, to the average behavior,
the norm. -
7:21 - 7:24More precisely, the statistical norm.
-
7:24 - 7:26I've got a piece of great news for you!
-
7:26 - 7:28Every single week, every single day,
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7:28 - 7:32a new investigation, survey, research,
-
7:32 - 7:35or new data on sexual activity
is released on the Web, or on TV, -
7:35 - 7:37and there's a lot to ponder about.
-
7:37 - 7:39Here's an example:
-
7:39 - 7:4213.5 cm:
-
7:42 - 7:45the average length
of the French man's penis, -
7:45 - 7:48according to a Ulster University.
-
7:48 - 7:53It places us at a decent position,
in a European rating, -
7:53 - 7:54not too shabby, at least.
-
7:54 - 7:57Gentlemen, refrain yourself
from checking right away. -
7:57 - 8:00We all know, there is more than size!
-
8:00 - 8:06Size hasn't stopped anyone
from making love 97 times a year, -
8:06 - 8:09according to a Durex study.
-
8:09 - 8:14That's an average of twice a week,
and it seems to satisfy most of us. -
8:14 - 8:17And especially left-handers!
-
8:17 - 8:1886% of left-handed people,
-
8:18 - 8:20I am left-handed,
-
8:20 - 8:2586% of the left-handers claim to be
very satisfied with their sexual life, -
8:25 - 8:27while only 15% of the right-handers are.
-
8:27 - 8:29But, what's the point?
-
8:29 - 8:30I have no idea.
-
8:30 - 8:33Of course the authors of this study
do not explain anything. -
8:33 - 8:34It'd be too good to be true.
-
8:34 - 8:36Let's get back to our 2 times a week.
-
8:36 - 8:38Twice a week, it's pretty good.
-
8:38 - 8:39Pretty good.
-
8:39 - 8:42You are left-handed, aren't you?
I am so happy for you! -
8:42 - 8:43You are among the 86%, no doubt!
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8:43 - 8:46So, twice a week, it's fine.
-
8:47 - 8:48But we can do better.
-
8:48 - 8:50Look at this data! 3 times a week.
-
8:50 - 8:51According to a study conducted
-
8:51 - 8:54by the University of Edinburgh,
it's no small matter, -
8:54 - 8:56people who have sex 3 times a week
-
8:56 - 8:59look 7 to 12 years younger
than their actual age. -
8:59 - 9:00Wow!
-
9:00 - 9:02Ever better than Botox!
-
9:02 - 9:05Let's add one more time:
you hit the jackpot! -
9:06 - 9:10People who have sex 4 times a week
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9:11 - 9:14are 5% richer than others.
-
9:14 - 9:20Another side effect: they are also
less depressed, and more intelligent. -
9:21 - 9:23You see...
Just don't ask me why! -
9:23 - 9:25Of course, nobody explains why.
-
9:25 - 9:28It shows that what matters is to do it,
and to do it a lot. -
9:28 - 9:31The cult of performance
that we have all followed -
9:31 - 9:33for the last 20 years or so,
hasn't spared our sexuality. -
9:33 - 9:38The statistical norm
for our sexual activity is "always more", -
9:38 - 9:39always further, always stronger,
-
9:39 - 9:45and the only question that matters today
is not "How?" anymore, but "How much?" -
9:45 - 9:49Voice: Woman:
Hi! I am calling for "Miss G like Giulia". -
9:49 - 9:54I would like to know
whether sexual normality exists. -
9:54 - 9:57I would think that there isn't any,
because as people usually say: -
9:57 - 10:00"We all have our own rhythm",
"We all have our own balance", -
10:00 - 10:03How to define a good rhythm?
-
10:04 - 10:07Twice, 3 times, 10 times, 20 times a week?
-
10:07 - 10:11It sounds weird to count how many times,
-
10:11 - 10:15but is there a magic number, a norm?
-
10:16 - 10:17GF: Don't laugh!
-
10:17 - 10:19I feel like laughing too, actually,
-
10:19 - 10:22were I not convinced
that right here, right now, -
10:22 - 10:25there are at least a few among you
pondering the same question: -
10:25 - 10:28"Wait a minute, how many times
was it already? Am I okay? -
10:28 - 10:29Am I in the right range?"
-
10:29 - 10:33Here, I'll give you the stats,
so we can move on. -
10:33 - 10:36The real numbers,
not the bogus Internet studies. -
10:36 - 10:39Actually, only one enquiry
about our sexuality is valid today -
10:39 - 10:41It's a research conducted by INSERM,
-
10:41 - 10:44published in 2008 and titled:
-
10:44 - 10:46"Context of sexuality in France" (CSF).
-
10:46 - 10:48According to the CSF study,
-
10:48 - 10:51we, French people, make love
on average 9 times a month. -
10:51 - 10:54Okay? Everybody's alright?
-
10:54 - 10:579 times a month, but wait, wait, wait!
-
10:57 - 11:00When a couple lives together,
the number goes down. -
11:00 - 11:02and down...
-
11:02 - 11:03and down.
-
11:03 - 11:06Still according to the researchers
at INSERM, -
11:06 - 11:08among those who are in a relationship
for 2 or 3 years, -
11:08 - 11:1310% have told the researchers
that they hadn't had sex for 3 months. -
11:14 - 11:16Let's talk about sexual practices.
-
11:16 - 11:18If we believe what our favorite
magazines tell us, -
11:18 - 11:22you know, the ones that nobody reads,
but that everybody secretly does, -
11:22 - 11:24and according to TV documentary,
-
11:24 - 11:27we should all have become S&M,
swingers, libertines, -
11:27 - 11:29or all the three together, why not.
-
11:29 - 11:35We would all have a sex toy hidden
in the kitchen drawer, just in case. -
11:35 - 11:37We are good to go!
-
11:37 - 11:42Here again, the CSF study shows
that 3,6% of men and 1,7% of women -
11:43 - 11:47claimed to have been once in their life
to a partner-swinging club. -
11:48 - 11:51That's not exactly a societal phenomenon.
-
11:51 - 11:54Sex toys: a famous weekly
women magazine, don't ask me the name, -
11:54 - 11:56recently titled its front page:
-
11:56 - 11:59"Going crazy for sex toys these days!"
-
11:59 - 12:03The article was based on a study stating
that 45% of French people use sex toys. -
12:03 - 12:04Okay.
-
12:04 - 12:08We should always check
how the surveys were conducted -
12:08 - 12:09and who did them.
-
12:09 - 12:11It's always useful.
-
12:11 - 12:15Considering that this study was done
by a sex toy manufacturing company, -
12:15 - 12:18that only its clients
were actually surveyed, -
12:18 - 12:21and that the results serves
the company well... -
12:21 - 12:22who will ever know that?
-
12:22 - 12:27We don't care either if the other 55%
of French people don't use sex toys. -
12:27 - 12:30All what matters is the nice headline:
-
12:30 - 12:32"Going crazy for sex toys these days!"
-
12:32 - 12:35What does the CSF study have to say
about sex toys? -
12:35 - 12:3978% of French people
have never used a sex toy. -
12:39 - 12:40Never.
-
12:41 - 12:45Generally speaking, the CSF study's
conclusions are definitive. -
12:45 - 12:48I'm afraid the great Gang Bang
hasn't occurred yet. -
12:49 - 12:52Since the Sexual Revolution, in the 1970s,
-
12:53 - 12:56very little or nothing has changed.
-
12:56 - 13:00We still consider our sexuality
as essentially heterosexual, -
13:00 - 13:02with penetration, in a conjugal context.
-
13:02 - 13:05Not exactly a revolution, is it?
-
13:05 - 13:08But that's not very sexy.
-
13:08 - 13:11You need to be flashy,
to make much ado, -
13:12 - 13:17because in front of the alcove's silence,
the mysteries of intimacy, the unknown, -
13:17 - 13:18we are scared.
-
13:18 - 13:20It's very scary.
-
13:20 - 13:22It's scary because, what happens there?
-
13:22 - 13:25What happens when we make love?
Nobody knows. -
13:25 - 13:28You can put word to desire.
You can't quantify pleasure. -
13:28 - 13:31Feeling experiences
is subjective, per definition. -
13:31 - 13:34And that, too, eludes us.
-
13:34 - 13:35That's scary too.
-
13:35 - 13:39You know, numbers are suitable.
They make sense, they are comfortable. -
13:39 - 13:41So we measure, we compare, we analyze.
-
13:41 - 13:43Then, suddenly, magic occurs!
-
13:43 - 13:45Meaning shifts,
-
13:45 - 13:51and a neutral and objective norm
turns into a moral judgment. -
13:51 - 13:57From what the average person does,
it becomes what everybody must do. -
13:57 - 14:03Sexuality has become mandatory,
what society accepts, or prohibits. -
14:04 - 14:06When we imagine everybody is having sex,
-
14:06 - 14:08all the time and everywhere,
-
14:08 - 14:12as soon as we feel awkward,
at the slightest decrease in performance -
14:12 - 14:16we feel so very has-been,
close to a loser, -
14:16 - 14:18somehow abnormal.
-
14:18 - 14:22But, we forget that these studies
say nothing about us. -
14:22 - 14:24Yes, they are important,
because they serve a purpose: -
14:24 - 14:27they take the pulse of society,
at a specific time. -
14:27 - 14:31On the other hand,
they say nothing at all about us. -
14:32 - 14:34They say nothing about me either.
-
14:34 - 14:38Frankly, I'd rather make love
only once a month, -
14:38 - 14:40if that one time is glorious,
-
14:40 - 14:42instead of 10 lame times a week.
-
14:42 - 14:44You'll agree with me on this one.
-
14:44 - 14:45(Applause)
-
14:45 - 14:46Thank you.
-
14:47 - 14:50What pleases me,
doesn't necessary suit you. -
14:50 - 14:53My sexuality belongs to me,
and solely to me. -
14:53 - 14:55It is yours, and yours only.
-
14:55 - 14:59For once, hard sciences agree
with social sciences: -
14:59 - 15:04Psychoanalysts, sex therapist
or neurobiologists, they all agree: -
15:04 - 15:08We are all somehow programmed
to have various desires, -
15:08 - 15:10to have fantasies, more or less intently,
-
15:10 - 15:13and more or less powerful orgasms.
-
15:13 - 15:16That is the result of a combination
of environmental factors, -
15:16 - 15:20cultural and biological factors,
and our emotional journey. -
15:20 - 15:23These are the ingredients
that make our very own sexuality. -
15:23 - 15:26We combines them in our own personal way.
-
15:26 - 15:28The process is more or less conscious.
-
15:28 - 15:32We reach a result that is deeply personal,
and unique to each of us. -
15:32 - 15:34Actually, these are variations
we should focus on: -
15:34 - 15:38those within your usual sexual appetite,
your usual pleasure. -
15:38 - 15:41What really matters
is to be truthful to yourself. -
15:41 - 15:43Sexuality cannot be normal,
-
15:43 - 15:45because it cannot be normalized.
-
15:45 - 15:51Sexuality is, by definition and by nature,
unique, individual, singular. -
15:52 - 15:55That's scary too,
because there is no reference, no compass. -
15:55 - 16:01Basically, within legality,
and between two consensual partners, -
16:01 - 16:05we all do what we can,
and what we want. -
16:05 - 16:09So, the good question is not to ponder
whether we are normal. -
16:09 - 16:11There real question is,
"What do I want?" -
16:11 - 16:12"What do I want?"
-
16:12 - 16:14It is a difficult question.
-
16:14 - 16:16We can spend a lifetime
looking for the answer. -
16:16 - 16:19Even worse, the answer can
change the next day. -
16:19 - 16:22Sexuality is like an organism;
it moves and shifts. -
16:22 - 16:25What is true today
might not be true tomorrow. -
16:25 - 16:30Nevertheless, that complicated
and scary question, -
16:30 - 16:32that can sometimes be painful,
-
16:32 - 16:34this very question makes us free.
-
16:34 - 16:36It opens doors to countless possibilities.
-
16:36 - 16:39And it is, most importantly,
more accurate. -
16:39 - 16:41Naturally, I will ask you
this very question. -
16:41 - 16:43All of you, here today.
-
16:43 - 16:45What do you want?
-
16:45 - 16:47Thank you.
-
16:47 - 16:48(Applause)
- Title:
- Abnormal. Of course, abnormal | Guilia Fois | TEDxToulouse
- Description:
-
As a radio journalist, Giulia Fois collects testimonies from her listeners regarding their sexual lives, and those always boil down to the same question: Am I normal? in her late-night show "Miss G", she talks about topics related to modern sexuality, and human relationships.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx
- Video Language:
- French
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 16:54
Ivana Korom approved English subtitles for Anormal, forcément anormal | Guilia Foïs | TEDxToulouse | ||
Ivana Korom edited English subtitles for Anormal, forcément anormal | Guilia Foïs | TEDxToulouse | ||
Ivana Korom edited English subtitles for Anormal, forcément anormal | Guilia Foïs | TEDxToulouse | ||
Claire Ghyselen accepted English subtitles for Anormal, forcément anormal | Guilia Foïs | TEDxToulouse | ||
Claire Ghyselen edited English subtitles for Anormal, forcément anormal | Guilia Foïs | TEDxToulouse | ||
Claire Ghyselen edited English subtitles for Anormal, forcément anormal | Guilia Foïs | TEDxToulouse | ||
Claire Ghyselen edited English subtitles for Anormal, forcément anormal | Guilia Foïs | TEDxToulouse | ||
Claire Ghyselen edited English subtitles for Anormal, forcément anormal | Guilia Foïs | TEDxToulouse |