Abnormal. Of course, abnormal | Guilia Fois | TEDxToulouse

As a radio journalist, Giulia Fois collects testimonies from her listeners regarding their sexual lives, and those always boil down to the same question: Am I normal? in her late-night show "Miss G", she talks about topics related to modern sexuality, and human relationships.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

Audio: Man: Hello, this is Simon speaking.

Well, during sex, I sometimes think
about my ex-girlfriend.

I am wondering if it's normal,
considering I have a girlfriend and all.

Woman: Hello, Miss G.

My name is Maëva, I am 18.

I often hear that women always
reach orgasm after men,

like if we were actually
programmed this way.

I've heard that it takes more time
for women to come,

and for men, it is supposed
to happen faster.

I actually have the opposite problem
with my lover.

He always comes after me.

Should I worry about this?

Are we abnormal, or what?

Thank you, Miss G. Cheers.

Man: Hello.

I'm Pierre, calling Miss G.

After sex, I don't like to cuddle.

My lover would like to hug me,

but I'd rather be on my own a little bit,
before hugging.

He tells me that it is not normal
and it's a concern for me.

I would like to get your opinion on this.
Thank you. [Beep]

(Applause)

Giulia Fois: Am I normal?

There it is.

The question I hear on the air,
every night or so,

it bothers nearly each listener,
explicitly or not.

It is the same question
sex therapists hear in their sessions,

time and time again.

I know it can seem foolish.

But, every single one of you here,
deep within yourselves,

at least once in your life
haven't you pondered:

"Why? Why this sudden urge?
Why this specific desire?

Why did I have this dream?
Why this fantasy?

Why him? Why her? And why this way?

Why, now? Is this all normal, really?"

Consequently, I asked myself,

"With sex, what does it mean
to be normal?

Is there a sexual norm?

Can sexuality actually be normal?

Is it something we should wish for?"

When such questions are popping up,

the best approach is to go back to basics.

Let's take a look at what the dictionary
has to say about it.

First, the dictionary tells us that:

normal: conforming to the nature
of a being or a thing,

to the organization of that thing,
something usual, logical, ordinary.

Second option:

normal: complying to an average
considered as a norm,

that has no exceptional features;

and finally,

normal: can be used as a rule,
a model, a reference.

Let me suggest you to examine
these definitions together,

one after the other,
to check if they make sense.

Let's check if sexuality can conform
to the nature of a being or a thing,

if it can be usual, logical or ordinary.

Voice: Woman: Hi Miss G, I'm Charlotte.

I'm calling you
because tonight's theme is orgasm.

For me, the best way to summarize
that state is:

"I can't be held responsible
for my actions."

When it occurs, it captures
the whole body and eclipses all the rest.

Strangely, it's a bit like when sneezing,
or someone tickling you.

We might never be as aware of our own self
as in that very moment

and it can even lead
to embarrassing situations.

I remember, I recently reacted
rather violently

after my lover accidentally
interrupted my orgasm.

I told him, "I hate you!
Don't you ever do that again!"

I apologized afterwards.
Shame on me to act like a brute.

Well, that's also what orgasm is.
That's why we love it so much!

Thank you, and have a good show!

[Ringtone]

GF: That's right.
Orgasm means complete abandon.

A total letting-go
that shakes us to the core.

This means that when we love,
when we desire,

nothing conforms to the nature
of things anymore.

We are out of ourselves,
we are beyond ourselves.

We all know it: heart beating hard,
butterflies in the stomach,

depending on the situation.

Dilated pupils.

Our body refuses to obey us,
and the mind plays in a loop.

It's totally abnormal,
yet totally natural.

Poets called it the intoxication
of senses.

And science and medicine finally
admitted they were right.

Yes, when we love
we are always a bit drunk, a bit insane.

Actually, in response
to a sexual or sensual stimulus,

our brain releases
a mixture of hormones

that will give us a natural high.

First of all, the brain secretes dopamine,

the hormone of motivation and reward,
that makes us come back for more.

When everything goes well,
the brain also secretes endorphins,

the hormone of pleasure.

Finally, it secretes oxytocin,
the hormone of attachment.

We could say we are in overdrive.

It appears clearly with brain imaging.

All the brain areas linked to motivation
are hyper-excited

When this state goes on,
it is called love.

Love is biologically blind,
because at the same time,

all brain areas related to critical
judgment are somehow dormant.

Love is totally abnormal,
that's its essence.

When we reach the peeks
of sexual pleasure, it gets even worse.

Voice: Man: Hi Miss G, Felix speaking.

I am calling for tonight's show.

What does it feel like to achieve orgasm?

For me, having an orgasm means
to feel and sense everything,

as well as not feeling
nor sensing anything.

Contradictory feelings that come and go,
like shot from a machine gun.

I am happy, I am comfortable,
and then I am sad, and melancolic,

I feel like laughing, I feel like crying.

I feel like...

We call the orgasm "the little death",

and with reason.

Because we feel alive,
we merge with our partner.

We don't talk about her or me anymore,
we talk about us.

We are a whole, a unity.

The world can end right now
and nothing else matters.

Having an orgasm is somehow
like dying, in a certain way.

Have a great evening. Bye.

GF: I can see that some of you
relate to this,

and it is actually good news.

Indeed, when sexual pleasure increases,

it reaches our guts,

towards something more spontaneous,
even animalistic.

An animality that we spend our lives
trying to tame, to civilize,

because "this is the way",
or "that is not how we behave".

Then, all of a sudden,
none of that matters.

Our self loses part of its grandeur,
it gets less reasonable,

less polished, it's an exalting self.

Yes, it is disturbing.
It's troubling, and it's scary.

So we feel the need to cling
to the familiar, to stereotypes,

to "ready-made thinking",
to common-place ideas,

and to others,
to all the others surrounding us,

We think that they know
and do better than us,

because they do "do things",
at least in our minds.

Therefore, we cling to our beliefs,

in another word, to the average behavior,
the norm.

More precisely, the statistical norm.

I've got a piece of great news for you!

Every single week, every single day,

a new investigation, survey, research,

or new data on sexual activity
is released on the Web, or on TV,

and there's a lot to ponder about.

Here's an example:

13.5 cm:

the average length
of the French man's penis,

according to a Ulster University.

It places us at a decent position,
in a European rating,

not too shabby, at least.

Gentlemen, refrain yourself
from checking right away.

We all know, there is more than size!

Size hasn't stopped anyone
from making love 97 times a year,

according to a Durex study.

That's an average of twice a week,
and it seems to satisfy most of us.

And especially left-handers!

86% of left-handed people,

I am left-handed,

86% of the left-handers claim to be
very satisfied with their sexual life,

while only 15% of the right-handers are.

But, what's the point?

I have no idea.

Of course the authors of this study
do not explain anything.

It'd be too good to be true.

Let's get back to our 2 times a week.

Twice a week, it's pretty good.

Pretty good.

You are left-handed, aren't you?
I am so happy for you!

You are among the 86%, no doubt!

So, twice a week, it's fine.

But we can do better.

Look at this data! 3 times a week.

According to a study conducted

by the University of Edinburgh,
it's no small matter,

people who have sex 3 times a week

look 7 to 12 years younger
than their actual age.

Wow!

Ever better than Botox!

Let's add one more time:
you hit the jackpot!

People who have sex 4 times a week

are 5% richer than others.

Another side effect: they are also
less depressed, and more intelligent.

You see...
Just don't ask me why!

Of course, nobody explains why.

It shows that what matters is to do it,
and to do it a lot.

The cult of performance
that we have all followed

for the last 20 years or so,
hasn't spared our sexuality.

The statistical norm
for our sexual activity is "always more",

always further, always stronger,

and the only question that matters today
is not "How?" anymore, but "How much?"

Voice: Woman:
Hi! I am calling for "Miss G like Giulia".

I would like to know
whether sexual normality exists.

I would think that there isn't any,
because as people usually say:

"We all have our own rhythm",
"We all have our own balance",

How to define a good rhythm?

Twice, 3 times, 10 times, 20 times a week?

It sounds weird to count how many times,

but is there a magic number, a norm?

GF: Don't laugh!

I feel like laughing too, actually,

were I not convinced
that right here, right now,

there are at least a few among you
pondering the same question:

"Wait a minute, how many times
was it already? Am I okay?

Am I in the right range?"

Here, I'll give you the stats,
so we can move on.

The real numbers,
not the bogus Internet studies.

Actually, only one enquiry
about our sexuality is valid today

It's a research conducted by INSERM,

published in 2008 and titled:

"Context of sexuality in France" (CSF).

According to the CSF study,

we, French people, make love
on average 9 times a month.

Okay? Everybody's alright?

9 times a month, but wait, wait, wait!

When a couple lives together,
the number goes down.

and down...

and down.

Still according to the researchers
at INSERM,

among those who are in a relationship
for 2 or 3 years,

10% have told the researchers
that they hadn't had sex for 3 months.

Let's talk about sexual practices.

If we believe what our favorite
magazines tell us,

you know, the ones that nobody reads,
but that everybody secretly does,

and according to TV documentary,

we should all have become S&M,
swingers, libertines,

or all the three together, why not.

We would all have a sex toy hidden
in the kitchen drawer, just in case.

We are good to go!

Here again, the CSF study shows
that 3,6% of men and 1,7% of women

claimed to have been once in their life
to a partner-swinging club.

That's not exactly a societal phenomenon.

Sex toys: a famous weekly
women magazine, don't ask me the name,

recently titled its front page:

"Going crazy for sex toys these days!"

The article was based on a study stating
that 45% of French people use sex toys.

Okay.

We should always check
how the surveys were conducted

and who did them.

It's always useful.

Considering that this study was done
by a sex toy manufacturing company,

that only its clients
were actually surveyed,

and that the results serves
the company well...

who will ever know that?

We don't care either if the other 55%
of French people don't use sex toys.

All what matters is the nice headline:

"Going crazy for sex toys these days!"

What does the CSF study have to say
about sex toys?

78% of French people
have never used a sex toy.

Never.

Generally speaking, the CSF study's
conclusions are definitive.

I'm afraid the great Gang Bang
hasn't occurred yet.

Since the Sexual Revolution, in the 1970s,

very little or nothing has changed.

We still consider our sexuality
as essentially heterosexual,

with penetration, in a conjugal context.

Not exactly a revolution, is it?

But that's not very sexy.

You need to be flashy,
to make much ado,

because in front of the alcove's silence,
the mysteries of intimacy, the unknown,

we are scared.

It's very scary.

It's scary because, what happens there?

What happens when we make love?
Nobody knows.

You can put word to desire.
You can't quantify pleasure.

Feeling experiences
is subjective, per definition.

And that, too, eludes us.

That's scary too.

You know, numbers are suitable.
They make sense, they are comfortable.

So we measure, we compare, we analyze.

Then, suddenly, magic occurs!

Meaning shifts,

and a neutral and objective norm
turns into a moral judgment.

From what the average person does,
it becomes what everybody must do.

Sexuality has become mandatory,
what society accepts, or prohibits.

When we imagine everybody is having sex,

all the time and everywhere,

as soon as we feel awkward,
at the slightest decrease in performance

we feel so very has-been,
close to a loser,

somehow abnormal.

But, we forget that these studies
say nothing about us.

Yes, they are important,
because they serve a purpose:

they take the pulse of society,
at a specific time.

On the other hand,
they say nothing at all about us.

They say nothing about me either.

Frankly, I'd rather make love
only once a month,

if that one time is glorious,

instead of 10 lame times a week.

You'll agree with me on this one.

(Applause)

Thank you.

What pleases me,
doesn't necessary suit you.

My sexuality belongs to me,
and solely to me.

It is yours, and yours only.

For once, hard sciences agree
with social sciences:

Psychoanalysts, sex therapist
or neurobiologists, they all agree:

We are all somehow programmed
to have various desires,

to have fantasies, more or less intently,

and more or less powerful orgasms.

That is the result of a combination
of environmental factors,

cultural and biological factors,
and our emotional journey.

These are the ingredients
that make our very own sexuality.

We combines them in our own personal way.

The process is more or less conscious.

We reach a result that is deeply personal,
and unique to each of us.

Actually, these are variations
we should focus on:

those within your usual sexual appetite,
your usual pleasure.

What really matters
is to be truthful to yourself.

Sexuality cannot be normal,

because it cannot be normalized.

Sexuality is, by definition and by nature,
unique, individual, singular.

That's scary too,
because there is no reference, no compass.

Basically, within legality,
and between two consensual partners,

we all do what we can,
and what we want.

So, the good question is not to ponder
whether we are normal.

There real question is,
"What do I want?"

"What do I want?"

It is a difficult question.

We can spend a lifetime
looking for the answer.

Even worse, the answer can
change the next day.

Sexuality is like an organism;
it moves and shifts.

What is true today
might not be true tomorrow.

Nevertheless, that complicated
and scary question,

that can sometimes be painful,

this very question makes us free.

It opens doors to countless possibilities.

And it is, most importantly,
more accurate.

Naturally, I will ask you
this very question.

All of you, here today.

What do you want?

Thank you.

(Applause)