How to Survive a Breakup and/or Heartbreak -Teal Swan-

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To love someone, is to include them as yourself. It is to come into a state of emotional oneness with that person. Breakups are so painful because you have chosen to kill something that is a part of you. Even if it was the other person who chose to do it, you are going to experience a death of something that is a part of you. What ensues is a grieving process, much like the one that happens when someone we love actually dies. In this episode, Teal explains heartbreak in depth and outlines exactly what to do to heal from it.

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Kuan Yin's Mantra (c) 2002 Lisa Thiel - used by permission http://www.sacreddream.com

Hello there.

Relationships are almost always
the most difficult aspect of our lives.

But what's more difficult than having a relationship,
is losing the relationship.

It's difficult to find somebody
who hasn't experienced a break-up or a divorce,

or a separation from someone that they love.

For this reason, it's obvious
that heartbreak is an important topic.

Before going on, it must be said
that it's possible to experience heartbreak,

without a relationship actually physically ending.

In fact, some people live their life
inside a relationship in a state of perpetual heartbreak.

When this is the case, the break-up has still occurred,
but it has occurred internally.

To love someone is to include that person as yourself,
is to come into a state of emotional oneness.

Now we are at our best when we are in this state,
cause it's our most natural state.

It means that we are vibrationally
matching the frequency of source itself.

In contrast, to break up with someone
is to become separated.

It is the most extreme difference
from source vibration that you can possibly get.

Instead of being the presence of source,
it is the absence of source.

So we are at our absolute worst
when we're in that particular frequency.

All break-ups are essentially a betrayal.

A betrayal is the breaking
of a presumptive contract or agreement.

When we love someone, we enter
into a kind of energetic agreement

or lose contract to be one.

When we experience a break-up, whether it's
an actual break-up or an energetic break-up.

This agreement is broken.

As a result, we feel betrayed.

All betrayals of the unspoken
oneness agreement in a relationship.

Whether it's emotional withdrawal,
or cheating, or criticism,

creates a separation between two people.

Why exactly is breaking up so incredibly painful?

As we said earlier, to love somebody
is to include them as yourself.

So to break up with someone,
whether you were the one that did the breaking up,

or whether they were the ones
that did the breaking up with you,

you are still losing a part of yourself.

On an emotional level,
a break-up feels like a severing.

It feels like a part of you
is being severed from the rest of you.

Now as it applies to relationships, it's quite common
that hatred is the way that we feel

towards people who we have a break-up with.

The reason is that hatred
is the cover emotion for hurt.

What I mean by cover emotions is that your emotional
body actually comes with survival mechanisms.

Whenever you are in a superbly low vibration,
one that could line you up with a negative experience

that could threaten your own survival,

you have a knee-jurk reaction
to move into a higher vibrational state.

In psychology,
sometimes they call this is a secondary emotion.

I call it a cover emotion because it exists
to keep you from being in the lower vibration.

Sort of like ice over the top of a frozen lake.

Hatred, being the cover emotion from hurt,
enables people to stay out of the pain

that they're experiencing as a result
of the betrayal they feel

as a result of that separation
from the person that they love.

Obviously, when we're in a state of hatred,
we're usually in a state of heartbreak.

And what needs to be addressed
is the hurt underneath the hatred.

The heart chakra is the energy center of the body
that corresponds to connection.

It's the chakra that is concerned with wholeness,
and love, and compassion, among other things.

The heart chakra is the unifier.

This is why so many of the organs and biologic systems
associated with the heart chakra,

are unifying systems,
like the circulatory system.

They unify the whole body.

When we experience the severing or separation inherent in a break-up,

the chakra and biological systems associated with it,
that are the most impacted,

is the chakra that is in charge of connection,
the heart chakra.

On a biological level, emotional pain and physical pain
involves the same regions of the brain.

Many scientists suggest that when painful mental
and emotional separation occurs between people,

it causes an area of the brain to be stimulated that
in turn overstimulates a nerve called the Vagus nerve,

causing pain in the chest.

This chest pain is why people
say their heart has been broken.

It is easy to see how the pain receptors in the body
that would be the most affected by loss trauma

are the nerves associated with the chakra
and biological systems that deal with connection.

This, after all, is where the damage is.

Before we go on, I'm gonna
let some of you off of the hook.

It's really common in relationships,
though none of us wanna talk about it,

that when things go really south,

we start hoping that our partner
will just die in freak accident.

Don't worry, a lot of people think that way.

The reason is, is that all break-up is,
is a death of something,

it's a death of a part of yourself.

And when we don't feel like we have
the strength to willingly cause a death,

we hope it will happen unwillingly, or involuntarily.

That way we don't have to face the guilt.

We don't have to doubt ourselves.

We don't have to feel self-blame,
on top of the pain of the loss itself.

Even if it was the other person who chose to do it,

you're going to experience a death
of something that is a part of you.

What ensues is a grieving process much like the one
that happens when someone we love actually dies.

You're not just gonna wake up one day
and get over heartbreak.

Heartbreak is a trauma to the system
and like any other trauma,

the system has to go through a healing process
to get to a state of wholeness again.

You may decide to move on,
but that does not mean you have healed anything.

Trying to rush the process of healing
after you experience a breakup,

does not work anymore than it works to rush
the process of grieving after someone dies.

That being said, heartache,
does not have to last forever.

It doesn't even have to last for a long time.

And the more proactive
you are about your healing process,

obviously, the faster the healing process is going to go.

So what should you do
if you experience heartbreak?

Before we get into the list, it's important to know
that if the break-up was recent

and you're still in the shock and the grief of it,

stop living your life for this day or this week.

Start living for the next 5 minutes, or hour.

When life collapses
and we're in the wake of a major trauma,

we've got to reel it in and only plan
and live our life according to short increments.

What would make me feel better for the next 5 minutes,

what would feel like relief to do with the next hour.

So we're living minute to minute, and hour to hour.

And we can extend that
as time goes on and we feel capable.

And now for the list.

The first thing, is that you do not distract yourself.

This is a common thing
that people will try to tell you to do,

most especially your friends
when you're feeling heartbreak.

Let's distract ourselves by going hiking,

let's distract ourselves by playing a game.

Let's distract ourselves by drinking.

This will backfire immensely.

You've already lost an aspect of yourself.

If you go and bounce out on yourself, which is what
you're doing when you're distracting yourself,

you're just going to compound the wound
that has already occured.

Heartbreak is all consuming
and it's okay to let it be.

Sometimes to get to the other side of something,
we have to go straight into it.

Recognize that if you have
come together with somebody,

in order to form an attachment
kind of relationship with somebody,

most likely it is a compensation
for an aspect of yourself that you have lost already.

Subconsciously, being with that other person
makes you feel more whole in some way.

We must embark on a journey of restoring
our completeness, in and of ourselves.

We must turn our attention inward
and become whole again.

Do not mistake this for independence.

This is an interdependent universe.

Interdependence is not painful.
Independence is.

Autonomy on the other hand,
is a state of wholeness in and of itself.

In a state of wholeness we do not come together with
other people to make up for what is missing within us.

To be autonomous, we have to be
in a secure relationship with ourselves.

We have to take steps to insure
a secure relationship for ourselves, with ourselves.

And we have to take steps to become whole.

The worst thing you can do,
when you're in this phase of heartbreak,

is to jump right into another attachment type
of relationship with someone.

Especially if this is a romantic break-up
that we're talking about.

We can't do that straight away without
making the trauma that we're experiencing worse.

I'm developing a process currently,
that's called the completion process.

It's actually a process which is designed
to help us become whole again.

Hopefully, by the time you're watching this,
I will have completed that process already,

so that you can find it on the internet
and actually add that to your life.

Part of becoming whole is to come back to yourself,
to find yourself all over again.

Who am I?

What do I want?

What do I need?

What changes do I want to make to my life?

Think back to a time when you were truly happy
in an autonomous way in your life.

What things were you doing then?

Add some of those things back into your life.

Often, break-ups call for starting over as if
from square one and going in a whole new direction.

Our priorities have to shift,
we have to be willing to do that.

We have to take the steps
to feel like ourselves again,

because we have lost ourselves.

Even people who decide to end the relationship go
through a period of feeling lost without the other person.

If you're feeling lost, you can look
up my YouTube video titled:

"Feeling Lost and Ten Steps to Becoming Found"

3. Change up your life so it feels new.

This can be as drastic as moving to a whole new city,
getting a whole new job, starting a whole new life.

Or it can be something as simple
as rearranging the furniture in your house, redecorating.

We could cook new foods.

We could change something
about our physical appearance.

Changing things in your life around, especially things
that remind you of the pain of the loss, is crucial.

Don't be afraid to put away
the reminders you have of them.

This may feel scary because you don't want
to lose any more connection with them.

But remind yourself,
you're not burning the reminder of them,

unless you ofcourse need to do that to let go,

you're just boxing it up so it's out of sight.

You can still take it out any time you want to.

Or throw it away if and when the time ever feels right.

4. We have to adress our negative beliefs, like core
beliefs, that have occurred as a result of this pain.

Things like: "I'm never gonna trust anyone ever again."

or "I can't make relationships work."

We especially want to adress the 'shoulds'.

What causes us extreme amounts of pain,
when it comes to break-ups,

is the idea that it shouldn't be happening.

We 'should' be with this person for the rest of our life.

When we think that something 'should' happen,
and it's not happening.

That's a recipe for emotional disaster.

So for those of you that want to change these beliefs
once you discover what they are,

go look at my YouTube video titled:
"How to Change a Belief".

Also, look into Byron Katie's work.

Her process, which is actually called 'The Work',
is some of the best that I have found

when it comes to flipping around your thoughts in a way that you can see a perspective that you didn't see before.

5. Ask 'Why?'

Now, a lot of people who coach you through heartbreak
are going to tell you to avoid asking why,

to just drop it all together
because it's gonna cause you more pain.

I could not disagree more.

It's crucial that we ask
why something happened.

The understanding, in fact, will set us free.

Not only that, it's important that we learn
from every single experience that we have

so we don't repeat the same patterns
and exact the same mistakes again.

Whilst maintaining the understanding
that there's always a much more beautiful and positive

big picture behind why it ultimately happened,
it's crucial that we develop awareness.

Even when we say we don't know why
something happened, we almost always do know why.

It's just that we aren't admitting it to ourselves
because it's too painful.

6. People come in and out of our lives for a reason.

We may be telling ourselves the story
that they were in our lives for a reason,

like that they are our soulmate, when in fact they came
into our life for an entirely other reason.

Stay open to the idea that they have come
to give you part of the puzzle

and begin to look for what part or parts of the puzzle
they may have come to give you.

It is very tempting when we feel heartbroken
to feel like the world is against us.

Looking for the positive things
that came as a result of the relationship,

including what the relationship
caused you to know that you really want,

is a great way to get out of the feeling
that you have been nothing but harmed.

7. Sit down and figure out what is right with you.

When we experience a break-up of any kind,

usually our self-worth takes a major tank along with it.

We start telling ourselves the story
that there must be something wrong with us.

Not only that, when it comes to break-ups,
this is especially amplified.

Because obviously, if something wasn't wrong with us,
this wouldn't have happened.

We have to shift our focus to our strengths,
and the things that make us worth connecting with.

If we have a difficult time coming up with this list,

we can contact our friends
and have them each compile a list about us.

Then, with each item or each strength, we have
to figure out how that strength helps us in our life,

or why it might be beneficial to someone
who wants to be in a relationship with us.

8. Feel the support and connection
with other people in your life.

Find a community.

A break-up is the most painful thing
because it is a loss of connection.

Obviously, if you find connection in other ways,

we're not gonna be starving to death for connection
to such an extreme degree.

This is a perfect time to work on receiving energy.

If you have trouble with receiving,
watch my YouTube video titled: "How to receive".

This will also help you to feel like you're not alone,
so anxiety is less likely to be triggered.

You may not feel capable of connecting
with people in the state of pain that you're in,

but it will help you, because you're suffering
from the absence of someone.

Having the presence of someone
does help improve the situation.

9. Think about the best case scenario.

When we experience a break-up,
we instantly spiral into the worst case scenario

because our life is enduring a complete collapse.

Instead, we have to think about the best case scenario
in our lives in say a year from now.

What would we be doing?

Who would we be with?

What kinds of new aspects
would we see in our lives?

That's the kind of way
we need to start thinking.

Because the reality is, a break-up
may be a closing of one door,

but that means that another door has opened.

And just maybe, the door that has opened for you, is the
one which will let in what you've actually always wanted.

10. Let yourself cry when you feel the urge to cry.

Crying is a detoxification of pent up emotional energy.

Suppression is the opposite of healing.

Crying may feel embarrassing, but it's important
to get over the social stigma and let it out.

11. Relax your body.

Relaxing your body, relaxes the mind
and relaxing the mind relaxes the body.

It's a two way street.

We can use this to our advantage because often
when we're in the middle of a break-up,

we can't relax our mind
no matter what we try to do.

So we can try to relax our body instead.

We need to take whatever steps we can
to get our body into a state of ease.

This means: put on a song
that positively alters the way you feel.

Or get a massage.

Or do yoga, or exercise,

or paint or sculpt

or do breathing exercises specifically for stress

or taking Epsom Salt baths.

Do anything that would bring your body
into a state of ease.

12. Meditate daily.

Meditation enables us to release our thoughts
so our thoughts can stop.

It gives us an extreme amount of relief.

This is really important during a break-up.

It also allows us to connect with our Source aspect,
with the spiritual realms

and that enables us to see a bigger perspective.

That bigger perspective is, ofcourse, very important
when we're living a painful subjective reality.

Also, when we meditate, we come into a state of
allowing, which is the most healing of all states.

13. Write in our gratitude or our positive aspects journal.

When we experience a break-up,
the world essentially turns black.

We can't see any positive,
we can only focus on the negative

and we're spiraling out of control.

So one of the best things you can do,
especially first thing in the morning,

and last thing before you go to bed at night,

is to force yourself to write a full page
of things that you either feel grateful for,

appreciate or things that feel good
to think about or look at, or experience.

When you're in emotional pain,
it's best to think small.

Let's be honest, the big things in our life
aren't really going so well right now.

So what we have to do is to focus on the very little things which cause us to feel positive emotion

when we think about them or look at them
or when we experience them.

And be honest.

You can only put things on this list
that genuinely feel good to put down.

Not things you think you 'should' put down
because they 'should' feel good right now.

When we do this before bed, our sleep will be better and we will wake up in the same vibration we went to sleep in

which is improved.

When we wake up and do this,
we set the stage for the rest of the day.

This is especially important if we're going
through a heartbreak because when we're heartbroken,

we usually wake up and the heartbreak
hit us like a semi truck again

and the rest of the day we spend just trying to cope
and stay alive instead of living.

14. Practice the art of self-love.

Now, I'm fully aware, that when you're going
through a heartbreak because you've lost love

and somebody comes in and says "love yourself"

it feels horrible because it's almost like I'm telling you
"you're gonna be alone for the rest of your life".

But that's not what I'm saying.

This universe operates
according to the 'law of attraction'.

It is like a big mirror.

So whatever vibration we hold
is reflected by the universe.

So the more love we send in our own direction,

the more people will come into our life
who will also send love in our direction.

Self hurt is behind self hate.

So loving yourself will also
prevent you from hurting yourself,

which to add injury to injury,
is a common side effect of heartbreak.

I've written a book called "Shadows Before Dawn"
which is a book that teaches you how to love yourself.

It's scheduled for release in may of 2015.

So hopefully by the time you're watching this,
that book will be released.

If you'd like to learn how to love yourself.

Pick up a copy of the book.

15. We need to allow ourselves to gain closure.

So right now, ask yourself
"What do I need in order to gain closure?"

Figure out what loose ends are preventing you
from moving forward in your life.

Maybe your feel like you need to apologize.

Maybe you feel like you need to ask 'why'.

Maybe you need to find out
how to avoid the same mistake in the future.

Maybe you have to give something away
that you've been keeping.

Maybe you have to have a symbolic ceremony.

Let yourself gain closure in whatever way you need to.

16. Seek out therapy.

There are so many types of therapies that you wanna do research to find which one resonates the most with you.

But just for your information.

There are entire therapy modalities
which deal entirely with relationship loss.

If you have lost your secure attachment to somebody
because a relationships has ended,

or there's been a break-up regardless
of whether your relationship has ended or not,

a therapist can actually be
a secure attachment figure for you.

This is in fact the main reason
why therapy is so therapeutic.

We need to be able to get help
when we feel like we need help

and heartbreak is a valid reason to seek out help.

Allow yourself to feel sorry for your loss.

The people who stay stuck in heartbreak are usually the people who never fully let themselves grieve or feel sorry for the loss.

In reality, we are all made up of the same energy.

We are all a part of a unified energetic field.

And so, we cannot really lose anyone or anything.

We can only create the illusion
that we have lost that particular thing.

Ultimately there is no coming
and there is no going.

You cannot lose your interconnectedness
because it is the basis of all that is.

Pain is temporary.

It doesn't feel like it
when you're in the middle of it,

which is why pain is so incredibly excruciating.

But your pain is like a crying child.

Treat it like that.

Your pain is not trying to hurt you.

It is, instead, the one that is hurting.

And it is crying out for your help.

Have a good week.