How to raise brave kids | Stacy Ennis | TEDxBoise

Author Stacy Ennis sees the uncertainty of our world today as an opportunity to teach our kids to be brave. Drawing on social scientific research about courage, she has developed a bravery framework she uses in her own parenting—and hopes people around the world will adopt, too. Bravery education, Stacy holds, is the most powerful parenting tool we have to transform our world from a place of uncertainty and fear to one of hope.

Stacy Ennis is a parent living what it means to bring up little humans in what can feel like a big, scary world. She's also a deep thinker with a background in journalism. She spent four years ghostwriting for a Nobel Prize winner, reading hundreds of scientific studies and engaging with audiences around the globe. As the former executive editor of Sam’s Club’s bimonthly magazine, Stacy created and edited content that regularly reached millions. She has lived a life of intentional discomfort that’s led her to live in developing countries, run her own business, and do scary things like try to give a TED talk.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

Fear governs so much of our world today:

political rhetoric, media reporting,

sometimes even parenting
and educational resources.

They all create
this general climate of fear.

We're not even safe on social media.

Do you remember
when Facebook was this fun place

where you could connect with your friends,

and there was no
political drama whatsoever?

That was a thing, right?

As a woman, as a business owner,
as a mom: Believe me, I get it.

Fear is a natural reaction to uncertainty.

And if there is one word to describe
our world today,

isn't it "uncertain?"

But fear in and of itself, it's useless

unless it encourages action.

And going from fear to action,
it requires a critical middle step.

And that step, it's bravery.

I have a four-year-old daughter,
her name is Lilly,

and she has no idea
what's going on in the world today.

And due to her age
and her maturity level -

you know, it's a four-year-old -

she has very few fears in life.

She is mostly afraid of loud noises
and her brother pulling her hair

and those weird shadows

that her picture frames make
on the wall at night.

But outside of that,
she is really not afraid of much else.

She is not aware
of the real fears we all face.

At least not yet.

And watching my daughter
in her state of innocence and purity,

it's been a lesson for me
in what it means to be brave.

And I've been learning from her.

And her bravery is probably
best illustrated by her alter ego,

Super Lilly, that emerged
when she was about two years old.

When Super Lilly puts on her cape,
she is transformed.

She goes from being a little girl,
to becoming a brave girl.

And I have to say,
those days when I experience

or read about yet another drama
somewhere in the world,

she can wash it all away

just by running up to me
in that superhero cape and saying:

"Mommy, I am brave."

Isn't that sense of fearlessness
what we want for all our children?

We want to raise kids who are courageous
because courage in our society

means a willingness to act,
in spite of fear,

in spite of uncertainty.

In a culture, in a world
where politicians,

media and parenting resources spread fear,

we need to raise brave kids.

Why?

Because the only way that we are
going to emerge from worldwide fear

is by empowering
the next generation to be brave.

This topic is especially personal to me.

Because from the moment
I looked at my daughter

in the hospital room that very,
very early morning she was born,

I knew, I knew that my mission in life,
it was to raise her to be brave.

Think about the kids in your own life.

Think about who they could become
and what they could do in this world

if they grow up to be courageous.

And then think about
who they could become,

and what they might not do if they don't.

For me, this vision of my daughter
growing up to be brave,

not just for herself but for others too,

it just struck this deep passion in me
to really understand and practice bravery

so that I can teach it to her.

And I have to be honest
because I was super confident about this.

I felt like, as a mom
to a daughter: I've got this.

I knew how to raise a brave girl.

I am a brave woman.

I knew for a fact that my daughter,

she would grow up
to be courageous and bold,

or I guess, I had about as much confidence
as somebody can have after labor

and delivering a human and being awake
for 48 straight hours.

But then, as sometimes happens,
life shook me by the shoulders.

Because I had another child.

A boy.

And I frankly had no idea what to do.

How would I raise a boy?

Let alone a brave boy.

And what does that even mean, "brave boy?"

Because here's what I knew.

I knew that the warrior
version of bravery,

the version that was tied to violence

and only connected bravery
with masculinity,

that was not what I wanted to teach him.

I wanted to teach him
a different form of bravery.

Bravery based off of what I saw
in my daughter's eyes

when she wore that superhero cape.

Love.

Bravery based on love.

And in our modern divided world,
don't we need that form of bravery now

more than ever before?

Having a son, it threw me,
but not for long

because I set on this quest to study
and understand bravery in a new way.

To create a bravery framework
that I can teach to my kids.

Now, I don't know about you,
but when life feels really overwhelming

and I just have no idea of what to do,
I turn to scientific research.

There's just something
about pouring over 40 pages of data

and analysis that just soothes my soul.

So I'll save you the tedious
recapping of everything I've learnt,

and instead,
let me just sum it up for you.

But first, one small piece
of housekeeping.

Many bravery researchers use the terms
bravery and courage interchangeably,

although that is hotly
debated in the field.

We are going to use them interchangeably
today for the sake of simplicity

and to avoid repetition.

What I want to do is to sum up
what I've learnt,

and then I'm going to give you
some simple steps

that you can use in your parenting
to begin to teach your kids to be brave.

The first thing I've learnt is that gender
impacts how brave the kid becomes.

Gender differences in fear reporting
begin as young as nine.

Nine.

Nine years old and our kids,
they are already becoming braver

or more fearful
based on which gender they are.

And I bet you can guess
which gender is becoming more fearful.

Probably the most interesting thing

that I've learnt
from the research was why.

As parents, as caregivers, one of the ways
that we create this bravery divide

is by talking to our girls
about how something scary made them feel

and then praising our boys
for how they overcame their fears,

their feelings.

And the result is
that we raise fearful girls

and brave, but you know,
sometimes emotionally stunted boys.

Next, I learned that there is
no universal definition of bravery.

Studies show that 70% of kids
have an understanding of what courage is,

which sounds great.

Until you really dig in,

and you find that
those definitions vary widely.

And this is a problem

because if our kids
don't understand what courage is,

how can they be courageous?

In just one study I reviewed
there was an entire page of definitions

dated all the way back
to Aristotle and Aquinas.

Dictionaries don't align,
people's individual views don't align,

sometimes research
doesn't even always align.

But I actually see this misalignment
as an opportunity

because as parents we get the chance
to help our kids learn a form of bravery

that works in the context of today.

And the last thing I learned is
that bravery matures just like kids do.

As kids, our understanding of bravery
has to do with action,

small everyday acts of courage,

like going into a dark room
to turn on the light.

And in order for our kids

to get to that higher level
ethically driven brave action

that we need in our world today,

we have to teach them
the baby steps of bravery.

We've got to meet our kids
where they're at

and match our parenting
to the maturity of their bravery.

All of this brings me around
to the most important thing

that I learned from the research,
from my own life,

and what I observed in others.

It's really quite simple.

We need to be intentional
about how we teach bravery to our kids.

And look, I know, we already have
so much to worry about as parents.

We have to teach our kids responsibility,
hard work, grooming habits, math,

and I'm asking you to pile on

another thing on top
of this huge pile of stuff

that we have to teach kids.

But hear me out.

Because the beauty of bravery
is that it lifts up

all of the other dimensions
of our parenting.

When we are teaching our kids to be brave,

we are setting them up
for a more fulfilled life.

And we are also creating
a foundation for a better world.

A world that is not based on fear,

but instead it is based
on courage and hope.

Now, we can't control
everything our kids do -

believe me, I've tried, it doesn't work.

But we can become
mindful bravery educators.

There are so many things we can do
to teach our kids to be brave.

And I've put together just five things.

Five simple steps
that you can take right away

to begin to raise brave kids.

First is to start young.

Babies as young as one day old
can begin to develop bravery

simply by feeling secure in the world.

Love your kids well

because their sense
of self-worth and security

will be what they draw on
when fears arise.

Next is to encourage microbravery.

Small everyday acts of courage
are critically important.

This is something
that the organization Girls Leadership

refers to as microbravery.

So when your kids are afraid
of something small,

like going into that dark room
to turn on the light,

or petting a friendly dog,
or trying a new food,

lovingly encourage them
to overcome their fears.

And when they do
or even if they don't,

praise the effort, not the accomplishment.

Research backs this idea
of praising effort

for nearly everything we do
in our parenting, not just in bravery.

Also, use the language of bravery.

Lovingly encourage your girls
and your boys by using words

like "courage" and "brave" and "bold."

Talk to your kids about their experiences
and fearful situations,

including how they felt,
which is what we typically do for girls,

and also what they learned,

which is what
we traditionally do for boys,

which brings me to my next point.

Be aware of gendered bravery parenting.

Research shows that moms are less likely
to talk with their boys than their girls

about their emotional state.

And that in general,

we don't do a very good job
of fostering autonomy in girls,

which is a critical
building block of bravery.

Instead, equally engage
your girls and your boys

in discussions about their emotions.

And while you're are at it:
Stop discouraging girls from taking risks.

Instead ... Thank you.
(Applause)

Instead, encourage them
to take smart risks.

Start becoming aware
of your words and your actions

so that we can level up
the gender playing field for bravery.

And lastly - this is really important.

Do brave things yourself.

When was the last time
that you did something truly brave?

Really think about it for a moment.

Our kids are watching us,

so take that dance class,
or travel to a new country,

or take a bold risk in your career,

give a TED Talk.

Our kids are watching us,
they are learning from our bravery.

And that idea of microbravery?
It applies to you too.

If you're not feeling
particularly brave, that's okay.

You can grow your bravery
just like kids can.

As parents, as caretakers,
as educators, as humans,

we have such an incredible
opportunity ahead of us.

We get to transform our world
from a place based on fear

to one based on courage and hope.

And we get to do it
through the tiny humans we're raising.

Our own little superheroes.

Forget the baby boomers,
and Generation X, and the Millennials.

Our country, our world,
needs our kids to be the brave generation.

And lucky us: we get to parent them.

Thank you.

(Applause)