Fear governs so much of our world today:
political rhetoric, media reporting,
sometimes even parenting and educational resources.
They all create this general climate of fear.
We're not even safe on social media.
Do you remember when Facebook was this fun place
where you could connect with your friends,
and there was no political drama whatsoever?
That was a thing, right?
As a woman, as a business owner, as a mom: Believe me, I get it.
Fear is a natural reaction to uncertainty.
And if there is one word to describe our world today,
isn't it "uncertain?"
But fear in and of itself, it's useless
unless it encourages action.
And going from fear to action, it requires a critical middle step.
And that step, it's bravery.
I have a four-year-old daughter, her name is Lilly,
and she has no idea what's going on in the world today.
And due to her age and her maturity level -
you know, it's a four-year-old -
she has very few fears in life.
She is mostly afraid of loud noises and her brother pulling her hair
and those weird shadows
that her picture frames make on the wall at night.
But outside of that, she is really not afraid of much else.
She is not aware of the real fears we all face.
At least not yet.
And watching my daughter in her state of innocence and purity,
it's been a lesson for me in what it means to be brave.
And I've been learning from her.
And her bravery is probably best illustrated by her alter ego,
Super Lilly, that emerged when she was about two years old.
When Super Lilly puts on her cape, she is transformed.
She goes from being a little girl, to becoming a brave girl.
And I have to say, those days when I experience
or read about yet another drama somewhere in the world,
she can wash it all away
just by running up to me in that superhero cape and saying:
"Mommy, I am brave."
Isn't that sense of fearlessness what we want for all our children?
We want to raise kids who are courageous because courage in our society
means a willingness to act, in spite of fear,
in spite of uncertainty.
In a culture, in a world where politicians,
media and parenting resources spread fear,
we need to raise brave kids.
Why?
Because the only way that we are going to emerge from worldwide fear
is by empowering the next generation to be brave.
This topic is especially personal to me.
Because from the moment I looked at my daughter
in the hospital room that very, very early morning she was born,
I knew, I knew that my mission in life, it was to raise her to be brave.
Think about the kids in your own life.
Think about who they could become and what they could do in this world
if they grow up to be courageous.
And then think about who they could become,
and what they might not do if they don't.
For me, this vision of my daughter growing up to be brave,
not just for herself but for others too,
it just struck this deep passion in me to really understand and practice bravery
so that I can teach it to her.
And I have to be honest because I was super confident about this.
I felt like, as a mom to a daughter: I've got this.
I knew how to raise a brave girl.
I am a brave woman.
I knew for a fact that my daughter,
she would grow up to be courageous and bold,
or I guess, I had about as much confidence as somebody can have after labor
and delivering a human and being awake for 48 straight hours.
But then, as sometimes happens, life shook me by the shoulders.
Because I had another child.
A boy.
And I frankly had no idea what to do.
How would I raise a boy?
Let alone a brave boy.
And what does that even mean, "brave boy?"
Because here's what I knew.
I knew that the warrior version of bravery,
the version that was tied to violence
and only connected bravery with masculinity,
that was not what I wanted to teach him.
I wanted to teach him a different form of bravery.
Bravery based off of what I saw in my daughter's eyes
when she wore that superhero cape.
Love.
Bravery based on love.
And in our modern divided world, don't we need that form of bravery now
more than ever before?
Having a son, it threw me, but not for long
because I set on this quest to study and understand bravery in a new way.
To create a bravery framework that I can teach to my kids.
Now, I don't know about you, but when life feels really overwhelming
and I just have no idea of what to do, I turn to scientific research.
There's just something about pouring over 40 pages of data
and analysis that just soothes my soul.
So I'll save you the tedious recapping of everything I've learnt,
and instead, let me just sum it up for you.
But first, one small piece of housekeeping.
Many bravery researchers use the terms bravery and courage interchangeably,
although that is hotly debated in the field.
We are going to use them interchangeably today for the sake of simplicity
and to avoid repetition.
What I want to do is to sum up what I've learnt,
and then I'm going to give you some simple steps
that you can use in your parenting to begin to teach your kids to be brave.
The first thing I've learnt is that gender impacts how brave the kid becomes.
Gender differences in fear reporting begin as young as nine.
Nine.
Nine years old and our kids, they are already becoming braver
or more fearful based on which gender they are.
And I bet you can guess which gender is becoming more fearful.
Probably the most interesting thing
that I've learnt from the research was why.
As parents, as caregivers, one of the ways that we create this bravery divide
is by talking to our girls about how something scary made them feel
and then praising our boys for how they overcame their fears,
their feelings.
And the result is that we raise fearful girls
and brave, but you know, sometimes emotionally stunted boys.
Next, I learned that there is no universal definition of bravery.
Studies show that 70% of kids have an understanding of what courage is,
which sounds great.
Until you really dig in,
and you find that those definitions vary widely.
And this is a problem
because if our kids don't understand what courage is,
how can they be courageous?
In just one study I reviewed there was an entire page of definitions
dated all the way back to Aristotle and Aquinas.
Dictionaries don't align, people's individual views don't align,
sometimes research doesn't even always align.
But I actually see this misalignment as an opportunity
because as parents we get the chance to help our kids learn a form of bravery
that works in the context of today.
And the last thing I learned is that bravery matures just like kids do.
As kids, our understanding of bravery has to do with action,
small everyday acts of courage,
like going into a dark room to turn on the light.
And in order for our kids
to get to that higher level ethically driven brave action
that we need in our world today,
we have to teach them the baby steps of bravery.
We've got to meet our kids where they're at
and match our parenting to the maturity of their bravery.
All of this brings me around to the most important thing
that I learned from the research, from my own life,
and what I observed in others.
It's really quite simple.
We need to be intentional about how we teach bravery to our kids.
And look, I know, we already have so much to worry about as parents.
We have to teach our kids responsibility, hard work, grooming habits, math,
and I'm asking you to pile on
another thing on top of this huge pile of stuff
that we have to teach kids.
But hear me out.
Because the beauty of bravery is that it lifts up
all of the other dimensions of our parenting.
When we are teaching our kids to be brave,
we are setting them up for a more fulfilled life.
And we are also creating a foundation for a better world.
A world that is not based on fear,
but instead it is based on courage and hope.
Now, we can't control everything our kids do -
believe me, I've tried, it doesn't work.
But we can become mindful bravery educators.
There are so many things we can do to teach our kids to be brave.
And I've put together just five things.
Five simple steps that you can take right away
to begin to raise brave kids.
First is to start young.
Babies as young as one day old can begin to develop bravery
simply by feeling secure in the world.
Love your kids well
because their sense of self-worth and security
will be what they draw on when fears arise.
Next is to encourage microbravery.
Small everyday acts of courage are critically important.
This is something that the organization Girls Leadership
refers to as microbravery.
So when your kids are afraid of something small,
like going into that dark room to turn on the light,
or petting a friendly dog, or trying a new food,
lovingly encourage them to overcome their fears.
And when they do or even if they don't,
praise the effort, not the accomplishment.
Research backs this idea of praising effort
for nearly everything we do in our parenting, not just in bravery.
Also, use the language of bravery.
Lovingly encourage your girls and your boys by using words
like "courage" and "brave" and "bold."
Talk to your kids about their experiences and fearful situations,
including how they felt, which is what we typically do for girls,
and also what they learned,
which is what we traditionally do for boys,
which brings me to my next point.
Be aware of gendered bravery parenting.
Research shows that moms are less likely to talk with their boys than their girls
about their emotional state.
And that in general,
we don't do a very good job of fostering autonomy in girls,
which is a critical building block of bravery.
Instead, equally engage your girls and your boys
in discussions about their emotions.
And while you're are at it: Stop discouraging girls from taking risks.
Instead ... Thank you. (Applause)
Instead, encourage them to take smart risks.
Start becoming aware of your words and your actions
so that we can level up the gender playing field for bravery.
And lastly - this is really important.
Do brave things yourself.
When was the last time that you did something truly brave?
Really think about it for a moment.
Our kids are watching us,
so take that dance class, or travel to a new country,
or take a bold risk in your career,
give a TED Talk.
Our kids are watching us, they are learning from our bravery.
And that idea of microbravery? It applies to you too.
If you're not feeling particularly brave, that's okay.
You can grow your bravery just like kids can.
As parents, as caretakers, as educators, as humans,
we have such an incredible opportunity ahead of us.
We get to transform our world from a place based on fear
to one based on courage and hope.
And we get to do it through the tiny humans we're raising.
Our own little superheroes.
Forget the baby boomers, and Generation X, and the Millennials.
Our country, our world, needs our kids to be the brave generation.
And lucky us: we get to parent them.
Thank you.
(Applause)