WEBVTT

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Fear governs so much of our world today:

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political rhetoric, media reporting,

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sometimes even parenting
and educational resources.

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They all create 
this general climate of fear.

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We're not even safe on social media.

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Do you remember 
when Facebook was this fun place

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where you could connect with your friends,

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and there was no
political drama whatsoever?

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That was a thing, right?

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As a woman, as a business owner,
as a mom: Believe me, I get it.

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Fear is a natural reaction to uncertainty.

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And if there is one word to describe 
our world today,

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isn't it "uncertain?"

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But fear in and of itself, it's useless

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unless it encourages action.

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And going from fear to action,
it requires a critical middle step.

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And that step, it's bravery.

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I have a four-year-old daughter,
her name is Lilly,

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and she has no idea
what's going on in the world today.

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And due to her age
and her maturity level -

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you know, it's a four-year-old -

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she has very few fears in life.

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She is mostly afraid of loud noises
and her brother pulling her hair

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and those weird shadows

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that her picture frames make
on the wall at night.

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But outside of that, 
she is really not afraid of much else.

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She is not aware
of the real fears we all face.

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At least not yet.

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And watching my daughter
in her state of innocence and purity,

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it's been a lesson for me
in what it means to be brave.

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And I've been learning from her.

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And her bravery is probably 
best illustrated by her alter ego,

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Super Lilly, that emerged 
when she was about two years old.

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When Super Lilly puts on her cape,
she is transformed.

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She goes from being a little girl,
to becoming a brave girl.

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And I have to say,
those days when I experience

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or read about yet another drama
somewhere in the world,

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she can wash it all away

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just by running up to me
in that superhero cape and saying:

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"Mommy, I am brave."

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Isn't that sense of fearlessness
what we want for all our children?

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We want to raise kids who are courageous 
because courage in our society

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means a willingness to act, 
in spite of fear,

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in spite of uncertainty.

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In a culture, in a world
where politicians,

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media and parenting resources spread fear,

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we need to raise brave kids.

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Why?

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Because the only way that we are
going to emerge from worldwide fear

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is by empowering
the next generation to be brave.

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This topic is especially personal to me.

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Because from the moment 
I looked at my daughter

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in the hospital room that very,
very early morning she was born,

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I knew, I knew that my mission in life,
it was to raise her to be brave.

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Think about the kids in your own life.

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Think about who they could become
and what they could do in this world

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if they grow up to be courageous.

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And then think about
who they could become,

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and what they might not do if they don't.

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For me, this vision of my daughter
growing up to be brave,

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not just for herself but for others too,

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it just struck this deep passion in me
to really understand and practice bravery

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so that I can teach it to her.

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And I have to be honest
because I was super confident about this.

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I felt like, as a mom
to a daughter: I've got this.

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I knew how to raise a brave girl.

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I am a brave woman.

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I knew for a fact that my daughter,

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she would grow up
to be courageous and bold,

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or I guess, I had about as much confidence
as somebody can have after labor

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and delivering a human and being awake
for 48 straight hours.

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But then, as sometimes happens,
life shook me by the shoulders.

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Because I had another child.

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A boy.

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And I frankly had no idea what to do.

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How would I raise a boy?

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Let alone a brave boy.

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And what does that even mean, "brave boy?"

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Because here's what I knew.

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I knew that the warrior
version of bravery,

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the version that was tied to violence 


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and only connected bravery
with masculinity,

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that was not what I wanted to teach him.

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I wanted to teach him
a different form of bravery.

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Bravery based off of what I saw
in my daughter's eyes

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when she wore that superhero cape.

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Love.

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Bravery based on love.

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And in our modern divided world,
don't we need that form of bravery now

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more than ever before?

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Having a son, it threw me,
but not for long

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because I set on this quest to study
and understand bravery in a new way.

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To create a bravery framework
that I can teach to my kids.

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Now, I don't know about you,
but when life feels really overwhelming

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and I just have no idea of what to do,
I turn to scientific research.

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There's just something
about pouring over 40 pages of data

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and analysis that just soothes my soul.

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So I'll save you the tedious 
recapping of everything I've learnt,

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and instead, 
let me just sum it up for you.

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But first, one small piece
of housekeeping.

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Many bravery researchers use the terms
bravery and courage interchangeably,

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although that is hotly
debated in the field.

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We are going to use them interchangeably
today for the sake of simplicity

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and to avoid repetition.

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What I want to do is to sum up
what I've learnt,

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and then I'm going to give you
some simple steps

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that you can use in your parenting 
to begin to teach your kids to be brave.

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The first thing I've learnt is that gender
impacts how brave the kid becomes.

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Gender differences in fear reporting 
begin as young as nine.

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Nine.

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Nine years old and our kids,
they are already becoming braver

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or more fearful
based on which gender they are.

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And I bet you can guess
which gender is becoming more fearful.

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Probably the most interesting thing

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that I've learnt
from the research was why.

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As parents, as caregivers, one of the ways
that we create this bravery divide

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is by talking to our girls
about how something scary made them feel

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and then praising our boys
for how they overcame their fears,

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their feelings.

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And the result is
that we raise fearful girls

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and brave, but you know,
sometimes emotionally stunted boys.

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Next, I learned that there is
no universal definition of bravery.

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Studies show that 70% of kids
have an understanding of what courage is,

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which sounds great.

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Until you really dig in,

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and you find that
those definitions vary widely.

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And this is a problem

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because if our kids
don't understand what courage is,

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how can they be courageous?

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In just one study I reviewed
there was an entire page of definitions

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dated all the way back
to Aristotle and Aquinas.

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Dictionaries don't align, 
people's individual views don't align,

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sometimes research 
doesn't even always align.

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But I actually see this misalignment
as an opportunity

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because as parents we get the chance
to help our kids learn a form of bravery

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that works in the context of today.

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And the last thing I learned is
that bravery matures just like kids do.

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As kids, our understanding of bravery
has to do with action,

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small everyday acts of courage,

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like going into a dark room
to turn on the light.

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And in order for our kids

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to get to that higher level
ethically driven brave action

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that we need in our world today,

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we have to teach them
the baby steps of bravery.

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We've got to meet our kids
where they're at

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and match our parenting
to the maturity of their bravery.

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All of this brings me around
to the most important thing

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that I learned from the research,
from my own life,

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and what I observed in others.

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It's really quite simple.

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We need to be intentional
about how we teach bravery to our kids.

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And look, I know, we already have 
so much to worry about as parents.

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We have to teach our kids responsibility,
hard work, grooming habits, math,

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and I'm asking you to pile on

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another thing on top
of this huge pile of stuff

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that we have to teach kids.

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But hear me out.

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Because the beauty of bravery
is that it lifts up

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all of the other dimensions
of our parenting.

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When we are teaching our kids to be brave,

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we are setting them up
for a more fulfilled life.

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And we are also creating
a foundation for a better world.

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A world that is not based on fear,

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but instead it is based
on courage and hope.

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Now, we can't control
everything our kids do -

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believe me, I've tried, it doesn't work.

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But we can become 
mindful bravery educators.

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There are so many things we can do 
to teach our kids to be brave.

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And I've put together just five things.

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Five simple steps 
that you can take right away

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to begin to raise brave kids.

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First is to start young.

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Babies as young as one day old
can begin to develop bravery

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simply by feeling secure in the world.

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Love your kids well

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because their sense
of self-worth and security

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will be what they draw on 
when fears arise.

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Next is to encourage microbravery.

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Small everyday acts of courage
are critically important.

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This is something
that the organization Girls Leadership

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refers to as microbravery.

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So when your kids are afraid
of something small,

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like going into that dark room
to turn on the light,

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or petting a friendly dog,
or trying a new food,

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lovingly encourage them
to overcome their fears.

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And when they do
or even if they don't,

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praise the effort, not the accomplishment.

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Research backs this idea
of praising effort

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for nearly everything we do
in our parenting, not just in bravery.

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Also, use the language of bravery.

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Lovingly encourage your girls
and your boys by using words

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like "courage" and "brave" and "bold."

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Talk to your kids about their experiences
and fearful situations,

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including how they felt,
which is what we typically do for girls,

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and also what they learned,

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which is what
we traditionally do for boys,

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which brings me to my next point.

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Be aware of gendered bravery parenting.

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Research shows that moms are less likely
to talk with their boys than their girls

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about their emotional state.

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And that in general,

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we don't do a very good job
of fostering autonomy in girls,

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which is a critical
building block of bravery.

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Instead, equally engage
your girls and your boys

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in discussions about their emotions.

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And while you're are at it:
Stop discouraging girls from taking risks.

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Instead ... Thank you.
(Applause)

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Instead, encourage them
to take smart risks.

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Start becoming aware
of your words and your actions

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so that we can level up
the gender playing field for bravery.

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And lastly - this is really important.

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Do brave things yourself.

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When was the last time
that you did something truly brave?

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Really think about it for a moment.

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Our kids are watching us,

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so take that dance class,
or travel to a new country,

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or take a bold risk in your career,

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give a TED Talk.

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Our kids are watching us,
they are learning from our bravery.

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And that idea of microbravery?
It applies to you too.

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If you're not feeling
particularly brave, that's okay.

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You can grow your bravery
just like kids can.

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As parents, as caretakers,
as educators, as humans,

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we have such an incredible
opportunity ahead of us.

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We get to transform our world
from a place based on fear

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to one based on courage and hope.

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And we get to do it
through the tiny humans we're raising.

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Our own little superheroes.

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Forget the baby boomers,
and Generation X, and the Millennials.

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Our country, our world,
needs our kids to be the brave generation.

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And lucky us: we get to parent them.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)