Leslie Jones Begs America Not To Elect Trump | The Daily Show

In a new installment of In My Opinion, contributor Leslie Jones returns to The Daily Show to implore America not to make the catastrophic decision of electing Donald Trump. #DailyShow #LeslieJones #Trump

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Your favorite auntie is back

to straighten out America.

Because America needs me.

Lord have mercy!

The election is now less than eight
months away.

And guess what?

America is on the path to doing
something really,

really stupid!

"A new Fox News poll is finding
former President Trump

leading President Biden by five
points nationally

in a head-to-head match-up.

This is his biggest lead yet against
Joe Biden.

Just over half of those voters said
that they are worse off

today than compared to 2020."

"A new CBS News poll shows 46%
of registered voters

remember the Trump era
presidency

as excellent or good, compared to
President Biden's 33%."

"If the election were held today,
even Democrats I know

think that Trump would win."

What the f**k is wrong with us?

Seriously!

(cheering, applause)

This is like a movie where

you see the disaster coming from
a mile away,

and nobody is stopping it!

Every time I turn on the news, I'm
shouting at the screen

like it's a horror movie.

Don't go in there, America!

Leatherface is in there, America!

I mean, are we going to really bring
back a man who tried

to overthrow the government?

This is like asking Jeffrey Epstein
to watch your kids.

Or a pedophile priest to watch your kids.

Or that sick f**k who used to work
at Nickelodeon

to watch your kids!

Hey, how about we do this?

Don't let anybody watch your kids!

And listen, I know some people
don't care about January 6,

but let me remind you about
something real quick.

He was also a terrible f**king
president before that!

(cheering, applause)

Do you really not remember?

I know we don't have the attention
spans anymore,

but how can you forget the man
who wanted to nuke a hurricane?

That actually happened.

And the thing that gets me the most

is there are people who are saying
we're worse

off than we were in 2020.

In 2020, we didn't even have
f**kin' toilet paper.

We was wiping our ass with family
photos!

And listen, I know the pandemic
wasn't Trump's fault,

but Trump made it worse every
chance he got.

Don't you people remember the
kind

of advice he was giving us?

"President Trump suggested,
without facts, that bleach

injections might fight COVID."

"And then I see the disinfectant
where it knocks it

out in a minute, one minute.

And is there a way we can do
something like that

by injection inside or, for almost a
cleaning?"

He told us to inject ourselves with
disinfectant!

We turned to him for advice, and dude

was like, "kill yourself."

I could go on and on about why it

would be a terrible idea to bring
back Trump,

but you know what?

I guess I shouldn't be surprised
that America is

about to do something that we
know is harmful to us

because that is what we always do.

Look at how we treat our own bodies.

We know we need to sleep eight
hours a night,

but we stay up all night scrolling
onto our phone

until it falls on our damn face.

We know we should take care of
our mental health,

but we entertain ourselves by
watching documentaries

of f**king serial killers.

We know we should go to the
doctor,

but instead, we get medical advice
from the internet.

Listen, listen, I'm guilty of it, too.

When I feel sick, I look up
symptoms on WebMD.

I know it's irresponsible, but I can't
control myself,

probably because I'm dying of
scurvy.

We--

(laughs)

(cheering, applause)

We are constantly making
decisions

that we know are bad for us.

We know we should be eating
healthy,

but instead, we eat like shit.

We're out here eating Double Stuf
Oreos

and triple-decker sandwiches.

We stack our food like a f**king
Jenga.

You know what has only one layer?

A goddamn carrot!

Just, just look at the lengths we
go.

Just look at the lengths we go to
for fast food.

Look at it.

"Well, this week we learned the
answer to the age-old

question, how long would you wait
in line

just for an In-N-Out Burger?"

"At the store's first location in
Idaho,

some patrons had to wait as long
as eight hours.

This week's opening featured
customers

even braving cold temperatures to
camp out overnight

just to be the first in line."

You disgusting, gluttonous
motherf**kers..

Eight hours?

I'm not a mathematician, but if
you're

waiting eight hours for fast food,

it ain't fast food no more!

(cheering, applause)

Unbelievable!

Some of the stuff we eat shouldn't
even be legal.

In fact, in some countries, it's not
legal.

There's shit that's been banned in
Europe

because it gives you cancer. And
we're like, "nah, we good."

Because we don't care enough to
make good decisions.

It's even acceptable in America to
binge drink as an adult.

Listen, it's cute at 21.

But, baby, at 45, that's called
alcoholism.

And after eating like shit,
we know we should be exercising.

But instead, we're doing shit like this.

"And next, you've always wanted
six-pack abs,

but can't seem to get to the gym.

Now there's a shortcut for that.

Researchers at the University of
Miami

have developed a new plastic
surgery technique

called abdominal etching.

It can reshape belly fat to make
you look like you spent

a lot of time at the gym.

Tools and some foam, this is
surgery,

are used to sculpt abdominal fat
to accentuate muscle lines.

Typically six for men, and three
vertical lines for women."

Jesus wept.

What is wrong with you people?

You can't trick people into thinking
that you got fake abs.

That's why we got Spanx!

I can't believe that this is what we

got our scientists working on.

Forget about curing diseases.

We got to make Jordan look like
he's doing sit-ups.

Okay.

Uh.

(cheering, applause)

Maybe we use a different name
for that joke.

No, no, I think that's a good name.

I think it makes the joke perfect.

- Like a Paul or a Steve. Or a, no?
- Nope. Jordan is just great.

- I mean, there's a lot of--
- But it's not just Jordan.

We all make wrong decisions, from
food,

to exercise, to mental health.

Last, but not least, most
importantly, we know

we shouldn't be dating DJs.

But here I am, swiping right on
every f**king guy

with DJ in his bio.

Now I'm on the third hour of
listening to his new song,

and the beat still hasn't dropped.

Drop the f**king beat, DJ Andre!

I got to go get some sleep!

(cheering, applause)

So here's an idea, America.

How about for at least this
election, for this one thing,

let's not do the obviously stupid
thing

that we know we shouldn't do.

And that means you're going to
have to put in some effort.

It means getting involved in the
political process.

It means not sitting on your ass,

just because you're not in love
with the choices.

I know you like fast food, but this
time,

let's eat a carrot instead of voting

for a guy who looks like a carrot.