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I would like to talk to you
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about the sausage principle
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the theory that says if you love something,
never find out how it was made.
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Tonight, I would like to show you my sausage.
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wait, wait, wait...
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This is my sausage:
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The 2014 Fifa World Cup
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Ooh My God!!!!
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Ok, the World Cup starts this week
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and I am both excited and extremely conflicted about it.
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Now, I know, in America, Soccer is something you pick your ten year old daughter up from.
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but...but for me and everyone else on earth
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It's a little more important.
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Soccer had become Brazil's religion.
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In Colombia, soccer was a religion.
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Football is a religion here
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Soccer, or Football like we say,
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it's a religion.
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Yeah, and they're not exaggerating.
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When David Beckham got a tatoo of Jesus,
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the response of most soccer fans was,
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that's huge for Jesus.
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...that's a big deal for him.
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Here's my conflict:
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The World Cup is one of my favorite things
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but it's organized by these guys: FIFA
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You either know it was the
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Fédération Internationale de Football Association.
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Or, that soccer video game you have.
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But for Americans viewers who may never
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have encountered them,
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FIFA is a comically grotesque organization.
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In fact, telling someone about the inner workings of FIFA
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For the first time is a bit like
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showing someone "two girls one cup"
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You do it mainly so you can watch the
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horrified expression on people's faces.
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Because let's start where FIFA is current World Cup
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is about to take place.
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Brazil. Brazilians are excited about everything.
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This is how they celebrate
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the fact that it's just about to be Lent.
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They love the concept of giving up chocolate temporarily.
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They're also the biggest soccer fans on earth.
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So they must be thrilled
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at the prospect of hosting the World Cup.
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It's been months of unrest in some of the city's favelas
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or slums with clashes between police and residents.
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Here people demonstrated against Brazil holding
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The World Cup
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That makes no sense.
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Why would you be unhappy hosting
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the thing that you love the most in all the world?
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The government has spent more
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than eleven billion dollars getting ready.
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The United States team will play its
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second game here in the city of Manaus.
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In this brand new $270 million dollar stadium.
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Manaus is so remote that it's almost impossible
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to reach by car.
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Which is why officials had to have
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the stadium materials brought in by boat.
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Shipped across the Atlantic from Portugal
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and up the Amazon River.
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OK, that does seem like a waste of money
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especially when you consider that that stadium
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is only going to be used for four World Cup games.
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There's also no team in Manaus that can fill it afterwards,
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at which point it becomes the world's
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most expensive bird toilet
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No wonder brazilians are so upset,
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Especially when you think about what they are actually
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getting in return.
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Well, and they're going to make money as well...
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Well actually, FIFA makes the money.
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This is where the controversy is.
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The country usually doesn't make money.
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FIFA, the organization of the World Cup,
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is who makes the money.
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Brazil, let me put this in terms you might understand.
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Think of money as pubic hair and FIFA as wax.
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Oh, they're going to be all over you during the World Cup
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but when they go, they're taking all the money with them.
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Including some from places
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you didn't even know you had any money,
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leaving you teary-eyed going,
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"Jesus, what happened here."
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"What, what happened!"
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I'm never doing this again.
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Because here are FIFA's tax demands
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for prospective host countries.
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It is FIFA and its FIFA subsidiaries that are
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fully exempt from any tax whatsoever levied
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at whatever level.
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State level, municipality level, all sorts of taxes.
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Consumption taxes, income taxes,
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you name it, it's all exempt.
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That's right, by Brazil's own estimate,
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they're allowing FIFA to forego $250 million dollars in taxes
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Somewhere, Wesley Snipes is going:
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"So soccer was the answer!"
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"Oh, God, it seems so obvious now"
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Now FIFA says they leave a lot behind.
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Which they do, like, new laws
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because you see once upon a time Brazil did this:
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In 2003, the Brazilian government banned alcohol
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from stadiums because of the enormously high
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death rate amongst fans.
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Well that seems like a good idea!
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Potentially life saving even!
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The only problem is, Budweiser,
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is one of FIFA's key sponsors.
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and they sell a product
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they reflexively insist on calling: beer.
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and FIFA seemed anxious to protect Budweiser
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from a law designed to protect people.
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Which is why the FIFA secretary general went to Brazil
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with a simple message:
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"I'm sorry to say,
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and maybe I look a bit arrogant, but that's something
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we will not negotiate. I mean there will be,
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and there must be, as part of the law, the fact that we
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have the right to sell beer.
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Yes uh, maybe I look a bit arrogant but, uh,
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how you say, uh, fuck your laws and your public safety.
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Is that right?
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And the amazing thing is here, FIFA won.
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They successfully pressured Brazil into passing
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a so called "Budweiser Bill," allowing beer sales in soccer stadiums.
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and at this point you can either be horrified by that
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or relieved that FIFA wasn't also
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sponsored by cocaine and chainsaws.
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And Brazil, Brazil is lucky.
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Brazil's lucky, at least they
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just had FIFA force alcohol on them.
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When South Africa hosted the world cup four years ago,
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FIFA forced the creation of the FIFA World Cup Court
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Which sound funny, you know it's like
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going to the World Series and being
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dragged in front of judge Philly Phanatic.
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Except, FIFAs courts were no joke.
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Two Zimbabweans who robbed foreign journalists
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on a Wednesday. Were arrested on a Thursday.
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And began fifteen year jail sentences the next day.
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That is unsettlingly fast.
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That's like when you order chinese food
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and it comes five minutes later.
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"Uh, thanks very much but that was too quick!"
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"You didn't have time to make this properly"
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And there is a certain irony in FIFA setting up any
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kind of justice system given the scandals
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that have dogged it over the years.
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"Football's governing body has tried to tackle its
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shady inner workings by suspending two executives
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on corruption charges
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The FIFA scandal rumbles on.
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Jack Warner, who was at the center of bribery accusations
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has resigned as Vice-President.
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There've been so many corruption scandals that
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FIFA have had to deal with
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Bribery and FIFA go together like peanut butter and jelly."
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Yeah, but they shouldn't though.
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Peanut butter and jelly are supposed
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to go together.
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Fifa and bribery should go together like
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peanut butter and a child with a deadly nut alergy.
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"NO, TREVOR, NO! "
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"That's for your brother!"
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And if you think FIFA can't get any more
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cartoonishly evil.
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This is their headquarter's actual boardroom.
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That's right, FIFA apparenty modeled
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where they meet on the war room from
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"Doctor Strange Love"
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That is exhibit A for an organization that does
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not give a shit what you think about them.
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And yet, the head of FIFA maintains that they are merely
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a humble non-profit organization.
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"We are a non-profit organization.
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and we have to remain a non-profit organization."
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"A non-profit with over a billion dollars in the bank?"
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"Yeah but it is a reserve."
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A reserve?
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A reserve of a billion dollars?
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When your rainy day fund is so big
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you've got to check for swimming cartoon ducks,
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you might not be a non-profit anymore.
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That by the way...that man, the man you just saw
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Is Sepp Blatter and even his name
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should have been a red flag.
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If your name is Sepp, at the bare minimum,
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you've strangled someone in a bar fight.
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That's just a fact.
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And let me just give you a taste of Sepp Blatter
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as a human being.
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"Recently he was asked how should women's soccer
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be made more popular.
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He said: "Well, they should wear shorter shorts."
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Great idea, put the ladies in hot pants,
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call it "Foxy Soccer," and uh, while your at it,
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Tighten up the jerseys,
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maybe replace the ball with a plate of hot wings,
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and --Fuck it, let's just open a hooters.
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FIFA. FIFA, the humble non-profit
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Even recently spent $27 million dollars
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to fun United Passions,
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a fictionalized version of their history
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starring, for some reason, Tim Roth as Sepp Blatter.
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And this movie, like FIFA itself, looks terrible.
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"We'll be...
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The Fédération Internationale de Football Association. FIFA
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The first World Cup will be held in, Uruguay.
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You have everything you need to run our family,
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but you know, the slightest error, and you're out."
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Who makes a sports film where the heroes
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are the executives?
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And the crazy thing is,
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you don't need two hours and Tim Roth.
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Because the greatest film about Sepp Blatter
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has already been made.
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It's ten seconds long,
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and it's on YouTube.
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That is. Wonderfully, that is the one time
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you can genuinely say:
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"I'm glad that old man fell off that stage."
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But perhaps the worst part of FIFA is not even it's past
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or its present.
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It's its future.
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Because the host of the 2022 World Cup
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has already been decided.
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"The winner, to organize the 2022 FIFA world cup is: Qatar"
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Qatar?
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There's between one and fifty reasons
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why that is an awful idea.
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Summer temperatures in Qatar can reach
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some 50 degrees Celsius.
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A difficult environment to hold a professional sporting
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event outdoors.
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50 degrees Celsius is 122 degrees Fahrenheit.
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You are hosting the World Cup somewhere where
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soccer cannot physically be played.
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That's like if the NFL chose to host the Superbowl in a lake.
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Now, there are now allegations that FIFA executives
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took bribes to put the World Cup in Qatar
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and I hope that's true because otherwise,
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it makes literally no sense.
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...and not just because of the weather,
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but because of the working conditions.
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Qatar is a slave state in the 21st century.
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A migrant worker can't leave the country without an exit visa.
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That visa has to be approved by his employer.
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Who has your passport?
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So you're trapped here?
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We've got coffins coming home every day
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More than a worker per day on average, is dying.
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Conservatively, from the figures of just two countries,
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India and Nepal, more than 4,000 workers will die
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before a ball is kicked off in 2022.
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So what you're essentially saying is...
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the Qatar World Cup is shaping up to be the most deadly
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middle-east construction project since this one.
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And by this point, I hope I've proven to you
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that FIFA is just appalling.
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And yet, here's their power:
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I am still so excited about the World Cup next week!
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And it's very hard to justify how I can get so much joy
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from an organization that's caused so much pain,
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other than going back to right where we started.
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"Soccer, or Football, like we say, it's a religion."
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But it's not just that.
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It's an organized religion,
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and FIFA is it's church.
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Just think about it.
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It's leader is infallible,
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It compels South American countries to spend money
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they don't have building opulent Cathedrals,
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and it may ultimately be responsible for the deaths
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of shocking numbers of people in the Middle East.
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But...but...but...but for millions of people, around the world
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like me, it is also the guardian of the only thing that
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gives their lives any meaning.
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And if that comparison does not make Americans
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love soccer, then frankly nothing will.