Why you should talk to strangers
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0:01 - 0:02There are things we say
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0:02 - 0:05when we catch the eye of a stranger
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0:05 - 0:06or a neighbor walking by.
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0:08 - 0:10We say, "Hello, how are you?
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0:10 - 0:12It's a beautiful day.
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0:12 - 0:13How do you feel?"
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0:14 - 0:17These sound kind of meaningless, right?
And, in some ways, they are. -
0:17 - 0:20They have no semantic meaning.
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0:20 - 0:24It doesn't matter how you are
or what the day is like. -
0:24 - 0:25They have something else.
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0:25 - 0:27They have social meaning.
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0:28 - 0:31What we mean when we say those things is:
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0:31 - 0:32I see you there.
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0:34 - 0:37I'm obsessed with talking to strangers.
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0:37 - 0:39I make eye contact, say hello,
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0:39 - 0:42I offer help, I listen.
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0:43 - 0:44I get all kinds of stories.
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0:46 - 0:49About seven years ago, I started
documenting my experiences -
0:49 - 0:51to try to figure out why.
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0:52 - 0:56What I found was that something
really beautiful was going on. -
0:56 - 0:58This is almost poetic.
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0:58 - 1:01These were really profound experiences.
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1:01 - 1:03They were unexpected pleasures.
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1:03 - 1:06They were genuine emotional connections.
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1:06 - 1:08They were liberating moments.
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1:10 - 1:14So one day, I was standing on a corner
waiting for the light to change, -
1:14 - 1:16which, I'm a New Yorker,
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1:16 - 1:19so that means I was actually standing
in the street on the storm drain, -
1:20 - 1:22as if that could get me across faster.
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1:22 - 1:24And there's an old man
standing next to me. -
1:24 - 1:29So he's wearing, like, a long overcoat
and sort of an old-man hat, -
1:29 - 1:31and he looked like somebody from a movie.
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1:31 - 1:32And he says to me,
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1:32 - 1:35"Don't stand there. You might disappear."
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1:36 - 1:37So this is absurd, right?
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1:37 - 1:40But I did what he said.
I stepped back onto the sidewalk. -
1:41 - 1:43And he smiled, and he said,
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1:43 - 1:44"Good. You never know.
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1:45 - 1:46I might have turned around,
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1:46 - 1:47and zoop, you're gone."
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1:50 - 1:51This was weird,
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1:52 - 1:54and also really wonderful.
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1:54 - 1:57He was so warm, and he was
so happy that he'd saved me. -
1:58 - 1:59We had this little bond.
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2:00 - 2:04For a minute, I felt like
my existence as a person -
2:04 - 2:06had been noticed,
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2:06 - 2:08and I was worth saving.
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2:11 - 2:13The really sad thing is,
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2:13 - 2:14in many parts of the world,
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2:14 - 2:18we're raised to believe
that strangers are dangerous by default, -
2:18 - 2:21that we can't trust them,
that they might hurt us. -
2:22 - 2:25But most strangers aren't dangerous.
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2:25 - 2:28We're uneasy around them
because we have no context. -
2:29 - 2:31We don't know what their intentions are.
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2:31 - 2:35So instead of using our perceptions
and making choices, -
2:35 - 2:37we rely on this category of "stranger."
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2:39 - 2:41I have a four-year-old.
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2:41 - 2:43When I say hello to people on the street,
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2:43 - 2:44she asks me why.
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2:45 - 2:47She says, "Do we know them?"
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2:48 - 2:50I say, "No, they're our neighbor."
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2:51 - 2:52"Are they our friend?"
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2:53 - 2:55"No, it's just good to be friendly."
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2:56 - 2:59I think twice every time
I say that to her, -
2:59 - 3:03because I mean it,
but as a woman, particularly, -
3:03 - 3:06I know that not every stranger
on the street has the best intentions. -
3:07 - 3:11It is good to be friendly,
and it's good to learn when not to be, -
3:11 - 3:13but none of that means
we have to be afraid. -
3:14 - 3:17There are two huge benefits
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3:17 - 3:20to using our senses instead of our fears.
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3:21 - 3:24The first one is that it liberates us.
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3:26 - 3:28When you think about it,
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3:28 - 3:30using perception instead of categories
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3:30 - 3:32is much easier said than done.
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3:33 - 3:35Categories are something our brains use.
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3:36 - 3:37When it comes to people,
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3:37 - 3:40it's sort of a shortcut
for learning about them. -
3:41 - 3:45We see male, female, young, old,
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3:45 - 3:49black, brown, white, stranger, friend,
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3:49 - 3:51and we use the information in that box.
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3:52 - 3:54It's quick, it's easy
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3:54 - 3:56and it's a road to bias.
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3:56 - 4:00And it means we're not thinking
about people as individuals. -
4:02 - 4:05I know an American researcher
who travels frequently -
4:05 - 4:08in Central Asia and Africa, alone.
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4:09 - 4:11She's entering into towns and cities
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4:11 - 4:14as a complete stranger.
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4:14 - 4:16She has no bonds, no connections.
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4:16 - 4:17She's a foreigner.
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4:18 - 4:20Her survival strategy is this:
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4:20 - 4:24get one stranger to see you
as a real, individual person. -
4:25 - 4:28If you can do that, it'll help
other people see you that way, too. -
4:29 - 4:33The second benefit of using our senses
has to do with intimacy. -
4:34 - 4:36I know it sounds
a little counterintuitive, -
4:36 - 4:39intimacy and strangers,
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4:39 - 4:43but these quick interactions
can lead to a feeling -
4:43 - 4:46that sociologists call
"fleeting intimacy." -
4:46 - 4:50So, it's a brief experience
that has emotional resonance and meaning. -
4:51 - 4:53It's the good feeling I got
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4:53 - 4:58from being saved from the death trap
of the storm drain by the old man, -
4:59 - 5:01or how I feel like part of a community
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5:01 - 5:05when I talk to somebody
on my train on the way to work. -
5:06 - 5:08Sometimes it goes further.
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5:08 - 5:13Researchers have found
that people often feel more comfortable -
5:13 - 5:16being honest and open
about their inner selves with strangers -
5:16 - 5:19than they do with their friends
and their families -- -
5:20 - 5:24that they often feel
more understood by strangers. -
5:25 - 5:29This gets reported in the media
with great lament. -
5:29 - 5:32"Strangers communicate
better than spouses!" -
5:33 - 5:34It's a good headline, right?
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5:36 - 5:38I think it entirely misses the point.
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5:39 - 5:41The important thing about these studies
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5:41 - 5:44is just how significant
these interactions can be; -
5:45 - 5:48how this special form of closeness
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5:48 - 5:51gives us something we need
as much as we need our friends -
5:51 - 5:52and our families.
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5:53 - 5:57So how is it possible that we communicate
so well with strangers? -
5:59 - 6:00There are two reasons.
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6:00 - 6:03The first one is that
it's a quick interaction. -
6:03 - 6:05It has no consequences.
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6:05 - 6:09It's easy to be honest with someone
you're never going to see again, right? -
6:09 - 6:10That makes sense.
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6:10 - 6:13The second reason is where
it gets more interesting. -
6:13 - 6:17We have a bias when it comes
to people we're close to. -
6:17 - 6:21We expect them to understand us.
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6:21 - 6:22We assume they do,
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6:22 - 6:24and we expect them to read our minds.
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6:25 - 6:27So imagine you're at a party,
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6:27 - 6:31and you can't believe
that your friend or your spouse -
6:31 - 6:33isn't picking up on it
that you want to leave early. -
6:33 - 6:35And you're thinking,
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6:35 - 6:36"I gave you the look."
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6:39 - 6:41With a stranger, we have
to start from scratch. -
6:41 - 6:43We tell the whole story,
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6:43 - 6:46we explain who the people are,
how we feel about them; -
6:46 - 6:49we spell out all the inside jokes.
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6:49 - 6:50And guess what?
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6:50 - 6:53Sometimes they do
understand us a little better. -
6:54 - 6:55OK.
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6:55 - 6:59So now that we know
that talking to strangers matters, -
6:59 - 7:00how does it work?
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7:01 - 7:03There are unwritten rules
we tend to follow. -
7:03 - 7:07The rules are very different
depending on what country you're in, -
7:07 - 7:09what culture you're in.
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7:09 - 7:11In most parts of the US,
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7:11 - 7:13the baseline expectation in public
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7:13 - 7:18is that we maintain a balance
between civility and privacy. -
7:18 - 7:21This is known as civil inattention.
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7:21 - 7:25So, imagine two people are walking
towards each other on the street. -
7:25 - 7:27They'll glance at each other
from a distance. -
7:27 - 7:29That's the civility, the acknowledgment.
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7:29 - 7:32And then as they get closer,
they'll look away, -
7:32 - 7:33to give each other some space.
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7:35 - 7:36In other cultures,
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7:36 - 7:41people go to extraordinary lengths
not to interact at all. -
7:43 - 7:45People from Denmark tell me
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7:45 - 7:48that many Danes are so averse
to talking to strangers, -
7:48 - 7:52that they would rather
miss their stop on the bus -
7:52 - 7:55than say "excuse me" to someone
that they need to get around. -
7:55 - 7:58Instead, there's this elaborate
shuffling of bags -
7:58 - 8:02and using your body to say
that you need to get past, -
8:02 - 8:04instead of using two words.
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8:06 - 8:08In Egypt, I'm told,
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8:09 - 8:11it's rude to ignore a stranger,
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8:11 - 8:14and there's a remarkable
culture of hospitality. -
8:15 - 8:18Strangers might ask each other
for a sip of water. -
8:18 - 8:21Or, if you ask someone for directions,
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8:21 - 8:24they're very likely
to invite you home for coffee. -
8:25 - 8:29We see these unwritten rules
most clearly when they're broken, -
8:30 - 8:32or when you're in a new place
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8:32 - 8:35and you're trying to figure out
what the right thing to do is. -
8:35 - 8:40Sometimes breaking the rules a little bit
is where the action is. -
8:43 - 8:47In case it's not clear,
I really want you to do this. OK? -
8:48 - 8:50So here's how it's going to go.
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8:50 - 8:52Find somebody who is making eye contact.
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8:52 - 8:53That's a good signal.
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8:53 - 8:56The first thing is a simple smile.
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8:56 - 9:00If you're passing somebody on the street
or in the hallway here, smile. -
9:00 - 9:02See what happens.
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9:02 - 9:04Another is triangulation.
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9:05 - 9:06There's you, there's a stranger,
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9:06 - 9:10there's some third thing
that you both might see and comment on, -
9:11 - 9:13like a piece of public art
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9:13 - 9:15or somebody preaching in the street
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9:16 - 9:18or somebody wearing funny clothes.
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9:19 - 9:20Give it a try.
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9:20 - 9:24Make a comment about that third thing,
and see if starts a conversation. -
9:25 - 9:26Another is what I call noticing.
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9:26 - 9:28This is usually giving a compliment.
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9:29 - 9:32I'm a big fan of noticing people's shoes.
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9:32 - 9:35I'm actually not wearing
fabulous shoes right now, -
9:35 - 9:37but shoes are fabulous in general.
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9:38 - 9:42And they're pretty neutral
as far as giving compliments goes. -
9:42 - 9:46People always want to tell you things
about their awesome shoes. -
9:46 - 9:49You may have already experienced
the dogs and babies principle. -
9:50 - 9:52It can be awkward
to talk to someone on the street; -
9:52 - 9:54you don't know how
they're going to respond. -
9:54 - 9:57But you can always talk
to their dog or their baby. -
9:57 - 9:58The dog or the baby
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9:58 - 10:01is a social conduit to the person,
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10:01 - 10:03and you can tell by how they respond
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10:03 - 10:05whether they're open to talking more.
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10:06 - 10:08The last one I want to challenge you to
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10:08 - 10:10is disclosure.
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10:11 - 10:13This is a very vulnerable thing to do,
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10:13 - 10:14and it can be very rewarding.
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10:15 - 10:17So next time you're talking to a stranger
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10:18 - 10:19and you feel comfortable,
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10:20 - 10:22tell them something true about yourself,
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10:22 - 10:24something really personal.
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10:24 - 10:28You might have that experience
I talked about of feeling understood. -
10:30 - 10:32Sometimes in conversation, it comes up,
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10:32 - 10:35people ask me, "What does your dad do?"
or, "Where does he live?" -
10:35 - 10:37And sometimes I tell them the whole truth,
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10:37 - 10:40which is that he died when I was a kid.
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10:41 - 10:43Always in those moments,
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10:43 - 10:46they share their own experiences of loss.
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10:46 - 10:50We tend to meet
disclosure with disclosure, -
10:50 - 10:51even with strangers.
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10:52 - 10:54So, here it is.
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10:55 - 10:59When you talk to strangers,
you're making beautiful interruptions -
10:59 - 11:03into the expected narrative
of your daily life -
11:03 - 11:04and theirs.
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11:05 - 11:07You're making unexpected connections.
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11:07 - 11:11If you don't talk to strangers,
you're missing out on all of that. -
11:14 - 11:16We spend a lot of time
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11:16 - 11:18teaching our children about strangers.
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11:19 - 11:23What would happen if we spent
more time teaching ourselves? -
11:23 - 11:28We could reject all the ideas
that make us so suspicious of each other. -
11:29 - 11:31We could make a space for change.
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11:32 - 11:33Thank you.
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11:33 - 11:39(Applause)
- Title:
- Why you should talk to strangers
- Speaker:
- Kio Stark
- Description:
-
"When you talk to strangers, you're making beautiful interruptions into the expected narrative of your daily life -- and theirs," says Kio Stark. In this delightful talk, Stark explores the overlooked benefits of pushing past our default discomfort when it comes to strangers and embracing those fleeting but profoundly beautiful moments of genuine connection.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 11:51
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for Why you should talk to strangers | ||
Brian Greene approved English subtitles for Why you should talk to strangers | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for Why you should talk to strangers | ||
Camille Martínez accepted English subtitles for Why you should talk to strangers | ||
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for Why you should talk to strangers | ||
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for Why you should talk to strangers | ||
Joseph Geni edited English subtitles for Why you should talk to strangers | ||
Joseph Geni edited English subtitles for Why you should talk to strangers |