WEBVTT 00:00:00.959 --> 00:00:02.236 There are things we say 00:00:02.261 --> 00:00:04.657 when we catch the eye of a stranger 00:00:04.681 --> 00:00:06.403 or a neighbor walking by. 00:00:07.530 --> 00:00:10.056 We say, "Hello, how are you? 00:00:10.080 --> 00:00:11.788 It's a beautiful day. 00:00:11.812 --> 00:00:13.001 How do you feel?" 00:00:13.552 --> 00:00:17.186 These sound kind of meaningless, right? And, in some ways, they are. 00:00:17.210 --> 00:00:19.569 They have no semantic meaning. 00:00:20.500 --> 00:00:23.508 It doesn't matter how you are or what the day is like. 00:00:23.934 --> 00:00:25.401 They have something else. 00:00:25.425 --> 00:00:27.312 They have social meaning. 00:00:28.051 --> 00:00:30.530 What we mean when we say those things is: 00:00:30.554 --> 00:00:31.815 I see you there. NOTE Paragraph 00:00:33.764 --> 00:00:36.561 I'm obsessed with talking to strangers. 00:00:37.122 --> 00:00:39.475 I make eye contact, say hello, 00:00:39.499 --> 00:00:42.064 I offer help, I listen. 00:00:42.699 --> 00:00:44.379 I get all kinds of stories. 00:00:45.773 --> 00:00:49.040 About seven years ago, I started documenting my experiences 00:00:49.064 --> 00:00:50.939 to try to figure out why. 00:00:51.900 --> 00:00:55.939 What I found was that something really beautiful was going on. 00:00:55.963 --> 00:00:57.757 This is almost poetic. 00:00:58.184 --> 00:01:01.454 These were really profound experiences. 00:01:01.478 --> 00:01:03.358 They were unexpected pleasures. 00:01:03.382 --> 00:01:05.847 They were genuine emotional connections. 00:01:06.370 --> 00:01:08.242 They were liberating moments. NOTE Paragraph 00:01:10.098 --> 00:01:14.202 So one day, I was standing on a corner waiting for the light to change, 00:01:14.226 --> 00:01:15.535 which, I'm a New Yorker, 00:01:15.559 --> 00:01:19.066 so that means I was actually standing in the street on the storm drain, 00:01:19.667 --> 00:01:22.014 as if that could get me across faster. 00:01:22.038 --> 00:01:24.039 And there's an old man standing next to me. 00:01:24.063 --> 00:01:28.890 So he's wearing, like, a long overcoat and sort of an old-man hat, 00:01:28.914 --> 00:01:31.040 and he looked like somebody from a movie. 00:01:31.064 --> 00:01:32.262 And he says to me, 00:01:32.286 --> 00:01:34.837 "Don't stand there. You might disappear." 00:01:36.095 --> 00:01:37.362 So this is absurd, right? 00:01:37.386 --> 00:01:40.382 But I did what he said. I stepped back onto the sidewalk. 00:01:40.697 --> 00:01:42.589 And he smiled, and he said, 00:01:42.613 --> 00:01:44.494 "Good. You never know. 00:01:44.518 --> 00:01:45.945 I might have turned around, 00:01:45.969 --> 00:01:47.476 and zoop, you're gone." NOTE Paragraph 00:01:49.553 --> 00:01:50.853 This was weird, 00:01:51.638 --> 00:01:54.067 and also really wonderful. 00:01:54.091 --> 00:01:57.408 He was so warm, and he was so happy that he'd saved me. 00:01:57.977 --> 00:01:59.474 We had this little bond. 00:01:59.987 --> 00:02:04.150 For a minute, I felt like my existence as a person 00:02:04.174 --> 00:02:05.517 had been noticed, 00:02:06.335 --> 00:02:08.270 and I was worth saving. 00:02:11.058 --> 00:02:12.685 The really sad thing is, 00:02:12.709 --> 00:02:14.382 in many parts of the world, 00:02:14.406 --> 00:02:18.336 we're raised to believe that strangers are dangerous by default, 00:02:18.360 --> 00:02:21.478 that we can't trust them, that they might hurt us. 00:02:22.389 --> 00:02:24.967 But most strangers aren't dangerous. 00:02:24.991 --> 00:02:28.279 We're uneasy around them because we have no context. 00:02:28.807 --> 00:02:31.004 We don't know what their intentions are. 00:02:31.028 --> 00:02:34.811 So instead of using our perceptions and making choices, 00:02:34.835 --> 00:02:37.280 we rely on this category of "stranger." NOTE Paragraph 00:02:39.012 --> 00:02:40.837 I have a four-year-old. 00:02:40.862 --> 00:02:42.836 When I say hello to people on the street, 00:02:42.861 --> 00:02:44.169 she asks me why. 00:02:44.820 --> 00:02:47.396 She says, "Do we know them?" NOTE Paragraph 00:02:48.324 --> 00:02:50.181 I say, "No, they're our neighbor." NOTE Paragraph 00:02:50.895 --> 00:02:52.308 "Are they our friend?" NOTE Paragraph 00:02:52.941 --> 00:02:54.998 "No, it's just good to be friendly." NOTE Paragraph 00:02:55.773 --> 00:02:59.102 I think twice every time I say that to her, 00:02:59.126 --> 00:03:02.634 because I mean it, but as a woman, particularly, 00:03:02.658 --> 00:03:06.428 I know that not every stranger on the street has the best intentions. 00:03:06.873 --> 00:03:10.727 It is good to be friendly, and it's good to learn when not to be, 00:03:10.751 --> 00:03:13.107 but none of that means we have to be afraid. NOTE Paragraph 00:03:14.451 --> 00:03:17.324 There are two huge benefits 00:03:17.348 --> 00:03:20.443 to using our senses instead of our fears. 00:03:21.015 --> 00:03:24.015 The first one is that it liberates us. 00:03:25.970 --> 00:03:27.843 When you think about it, 00:03:27.867 --> 00:03:30.079 using perception instead of categories 00:03:30.103 --> 00:03:32.006 is much easier said than done. 00:03:32.859 --> 00:03:35.074 Categories are something our brains use. 00:03:35.693 --> 00:03:37.330 When it comes to people, 00:03:37.354 --> 00:03:39.765 it's sort of a shortcut for learning about them. 00:03:40.900 --> 00:03:44.538 We see male, female, young, old, 00:03:44.562 --> 00:03:48.924 black, brown, white, stranger, friend, 00:03:48.948 --> 00:03:51.353 and we use the information in that box. 00:03:52.112 --> 00:03:53.830 It's quick, it's easy 00:03:53.854 --> 00:03:55.630 and it's a road to bias. 00:03:56.052 --> 00:03:59.921 And it means we're not thinking about people as individuals. 00:04:01.774 --> 00:04:05.111 I know an American researcher who travels frequently 00:04:05.135 --> 00:04:07.945 in Central Asia and Africa, alone. 00:04:08.910 --> 00:04:11.449 She's entering into towns and cities 00:04:11.473 --> 00:04:13.524 as a complete stranger. 00:04:13.937 --> 00:04:16.102 She has no bonds, no connections. 00:04:16.126 --> 00:04:17.475 She's a foreigner. 00:04:17.957 --> 00:04:20.333 Her survival strategy is this: 00:04:20.357 --> 00:04:24.334 get one stranger to see you as a real, individual person. 00:04:24.839 --> 00:04:28.239 If you can do that, it'll help other people see you that way, too. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:28.817 --> 00:04:33.225 The second benefit of using our senses has to do with intimacy. 00:04:34.003 --> 00:04:36.398 I know it sounds a little counterintuitive, 00:04:36.422 --> 00:04:38.519 intimacy and strangers, 00:04:38.543 --> 00:04:42.595 but these quick interactions can lead to a feeling 00:04:42.619 --> 00:04:45.761 that sociologists call "fleeting intimacy." 00:04:45.785 --> 00:04:50.135 So, it's a brief experience that has emotional resonance and meaning. 00:04:51.452 --> 00:04:53.460 It's the good feeling I got 00:04:53.484 --> 00:04:57.826 from being saved from the death trap of the storm drain by the old man, 00:04:58.610 --> 00:05:01.110 or how I feel like part of a community 00:05:01.134 --> 00:05:04.553 when I talk to somebody on my train on the way to work. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:05.665 --> 00:05:07.689 Sometimes it goes further. 00:05:07.713 --> 00:05:12.826 Researchers have found that people often feel more comfortable 00:05:12.850 --> 00:05:16.094 being honest and open about their inner selves with strangers 00:05:16.118 --> 00:05:18.801 than they do with their friends and their families -- 00:05:20.110 --> 00:05:23.727 that they often feel more understood by strangers. 00:05:25.022 --> 00:05:28.553 This gets reported in the media with great lament. 00:05:29.125 --> 00:05:31.926 "Strangers communicate better than spouses!" 00:05:32.901 --> 00:05:34.434 It's a good headline, right? 00:05:35.547 --> 00:05:37.827 I think it entirely misses the point. 00:05:39.240 --> 00:05:41.153 The important thing about these studies 00:05:41.177 --> 00:05:43.970 is just how significant these interactions can be; 00:05:44.795 --> 00:05:47.899 how this special form of closeness 00:05:47.923 --> 00:05:50.701 gives us something we need as much as we need our friends 00:05:50.725 --> 00:05:51.915 and our families. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:52.933 --> 00:05:56.843 So how is it possible that we communicate so well with strangers? 00:05:58.585 --> 00:06:00.221 There are two reasons. 00:06:00.245 --> 00:06:03.159 The first one is that it's a quick interaction. 00:06:03.183 --> 00:06:04.722 It has no consequences. 00:06:05.034 --> 00:06:08.619 It's easy to be honest with someone you're never going to see again, right? 00:06:08.643 --> 00:06:09.793 That makes sense. 00:06:10.177 --> 00:06:13.061 The second reason is where it gets more interesting. 00:06:13.085 --> 00:06:16.502 We have a bias when it comes to people we're close to. 00:06:17.359 --> 00:06:20.526 We expect them to understand us. 00:06:20.550 --> 00:06:21.779 We assume they do, 00:06:21.803 --> 00:06:23.939 and we expect them to read our minds. 00:06:24.717 --> 00:06:27.021 So imagine you're at a party, 00:06:27.045 --> 00:06:30.647 and you can't believe that your friend or your spouse 00:06:30.671 --> 00:06:33.474 isn't picking up on it that you want to leave early. 00:06:33.498 --> 00:06:34.872 And you're thinking, 00:06:34.896 --> 00:06:36.418 "I gave you the look." NOTE Paragraph 00:06:38.696 --> 00:06:41.211 With a stranger, we have to start from scratch. 00:06:41.235 --> 00:06:42.622 We tell the whole story, 00:06:43.376 --> 00:06:46.464 we explain who the people are, how we feel about them; 00:06:46.488 --> 00:06:48.656 we spell out all the inside jokes. 00:06:48.680 --> 00:06:50.156 And guess what? 00:06:50.180 --> 00:06:52.841 Sometimes they do understand us a little better. NOTE Paragraph 00:06:54.087 --> 00:06:55.247 OK. 00:06:55.271 --> 00:06:58.767 So now that we know that talking to strangers matters, 00:06:58.791 --> 00:07:00.183 how does it work? 00:07:00.721 --> 00:07:03.471 There are unwritten rules we tend to follow. 00:07:03.495 --> 00:07:07.291 The rules are very different depending on what country you're in, 00:07:07.315 --> 00:07:09.008 what culture you're in. 00:07:09.032 --> 00:07:11.161 In most parts of the US, 00:07:11.185 --> 00:07:13.439 the baseline expectation in public 00:07:13.464 --> 00:07:17.588 is that we maintain a balance between civility and privacy. 00:07:18.180 --> 00:07:20.620 This is known as civil inattention. 00:07:21.263 --> 00:07:25.023 So, imagine two people are walking towards each other on the street. 00:07:25.047 --> 00:07:27.345 They'll glance at each other from a distance. 00:07:27.369 --> 00:07:29.351 That's the civility, the acknowledgment. 00:07:29.375 --> 00:07:31.582 And then as they get closer, they'll look away, 00:07:31.606 --> 00:07:33.192 to give each other some space. NOTE Paragraph 00:07:35.151 --> 00:07:36.413 In other cultures, 00:07:36.437 --> 00:07:41.344 people go to extraordinary lengths not to interact at all. 00:07:42.533 --> 00:07:44.767 People from Denmark tell me 00:07:44.791 --> 00:07:48.399 that many Danes are so averse to talking to strangers, 00:07:48.423 --> 00:07:51.641 that they would rather miss their stop on the bus 00:07:51.665 --> 00:07:55.016 than say "excuse me" to someone that they need to get around. 00:07:55.040 --> 00:07:58.329 Instead, there's this elaborate shuffling of bags 00:07:58.353 --> 00:08:01.836 and using your body to say that you need to get past, 00:08:01.860 --> 00:08:03.691 instead of using two words. NOTE Paragraph 00:08:06.178 --> 00:08:08.047 In Egypt, I'm told, 00:08:08.731 --> 00:08:11.023 it's rude to ignore a stranger, 00:08:11.047 --> 00:08:14.280 and there's a remarkable culture of hospitality. 00:08:15.312 --> 00:08:18.368 Strangers might ask each other for a sip of water. 00:08:18.392 --> 00:08:21.096 Or, if you ask someone for directions, 00:08:21.120 --> 00:08:24.178 they're very likely to invite you home for coffee. 00:08:25.441 --> 00:08:28.969 We see these unwritten rules most clearly when they're broken, 00:08:29.563 --> 00:08:31.646 or when you're in a new place 00:08:31.670 --> 00:08:34.867 and you're trying to figure out what the right thing to do is. NOTE Paragraph 00:08:35.332 --> 00:08:40.393 Sometimes breaking the rules a little bit is where the action is. 00:08:42.551 --> 00:08:47.020 In case it's not clear, I really want you to do this. OK? 00:08:47.790 --> 00:08:49.679 So here's how it's going to go. 00:08:49.703 --> 00:08:51.729 Find somebody who is making eye contact. 00:08:51.753 --> 00:08:53.442 That's a good signal. 00:08:53.466 --> 00:08:55.609 The first thing is a simple smile. 00:08:56.402 --> 00:09:00.318 If you're passing somebody on the street or in the hallway here, smile. 00:09:00.342 --> 00:09:01.610 See what happens. NOTE Paragraph 00:09:02.113 --> 00:09:04.150 Another is triangulation. 00:09:04.552 --> 00:09:06.231 There's you, there's a stranger, 00:09:06.255 --> 00:09:10.364 there's some third thing that you both might see and comment on, 00:09:11.134 --> 00:09:13.121 like a piece of public art 00:09:13.145 --> 00:09:15.270 or somebody preaching in the street 00:09:15.659 --> 00:09:17.882 or somebody wearing funny clothes. 00:09:18.689 --> 00:09:19.840 Give it a try. 00:09:19.864 --> 00:09:23.848 Make a comment about that third thing, and see if starts a conversation. NOTE Paragraph 00:09:24.621 --> 00:09:26.345 Another is what I call noticing. 00:09:26.369 --> 00:09:28.328 This is usually giving a compliment. 00:09:29.003 --> 00:09:32.259 I'm a big fan of noticing people's shoes. 00:09:32.283 --> 00:09:35.039 I'm actually not wearing fabulous shoes right now, 00:09:35.063 --> 00:09:37.222 but shoes are fabulous in general. 00:09:37.817 --> 00:09:41.943 And they're pretty neutral as far as giving compliments goes. 00:09:41.967 --> 00:09:45.575 People always want to tell you things about their awesome shoes. NOTE Paragraph 00:09:45.599 --> 00:09:49.496 You may have already experienced the dogs and babies principle. 00:09:49.520 --> 00:09:51.938 It can be awkward to talk to someone on the street; 00:09:51.962 --> 00:09:54.033 you don't know how they're going to respond. 00:09:54.057 --> 00:09:56.599 But you can always talk to their dog or their baby. 00:09:56.623 --> 00:09:57.972 The dog or the baby 00:09:57.996 --> 00:10:00.582 is a social conduit to the person, 00:10:01.095 --> 00:10:03.132 and you can tell by how they respond 00:10:03.156 --> 00:10:05.083 whether they're open to talking more. NOTE Paragraph 00:10:06.156 --> 00:10:08.321 The last one I want to challenge you to 00:10:08.345 --> 00:10:09.841 is disclosure. 00:10:10.548 --> 00:10:12.890 This is a very vulnerable thing to do, 00:10:12.914 --> 00:10:14.430 and it can be very rewarding. 00:10:15.068 --> 00:10:17.160 So next time you're talking to a stranger 00:10:17.726 --> 00:10:19.220 and you feel comfortable, 00:10:19.966 --> 00:10:22.316 tell them something true about yourself, 00:10:22.340 --> 00:10:23.680 something really personal. 00:10:24.103 --> 00:10:27.894 You might have that experience I talked about of feeling understood. NOTE Paragraph 00:10:29.854 --> 00:10:31.800 Sometimes in conversation, it comes up, 00:10:31.824 --> 00:10:35.181 people ask me, "What does your dad do?" or, "Where does he live?" 00:10:35.205 --> 00:10:37.427 And sometimes I tell them the whole truth, 00:10:37.451 --> 00:10:39.608 which is that he died when I was a kid. 00:10:41.386 --> 00:10:43.403 Always in those moments, 00:10:43.427 --> 00:10:45.899 they share their own experiences of loss. 00:10:46.407 --> 00:10:49.543 We tend to meet disclosure with disclosure, 00:10:49.567 --> 00:10:50.968 even with strangers. NOTE Paragraph 00:10:52.453 --> 00:10:54.105 So, here it is. 00:10:55.425 --> 00:10:59.279 When you talk to strangers, you're making beautiful interruptions 00:10:59.303 --> 00:11:02.789 into the expected narrative of your daily life 00:11:02.813 --> 00:11:04.032 and theirs. 00:11:04.790 --> 00:11:06.933 You're making unexpected connections. 00:11:07.420 --> 00:11:10.983 If you don't talk to strangers, you're missing out on all of that. 00:11:13.544 --> 00:11:15.822 We spend a lot of time 00:11:15.846 --> 00:11:18.423 teaching our children about strangers. 00:11:18.764 --> 00:11:22.657 What would happen if we spent more time teaching ourselves? 00:11:23.441 --> 00:11:27.784 We could reject all the ideas that make us so suspicious of each other. 00:11:28.649 --> 00:11:31.284 We could make a space for change. NOTE Paragraph 00:11:32.141 --> 00:11:33.292 Thank you. NOTE Paragraph 00:11:33.316 --> 00:11:39.222 (Applause)