Rated X (Asexuality Documentary)

In terms of just my personal relationship
with sex - I don't have one

I really don't want one
and I'm good with that.

People say:
'Oh, you just haven't had sex with me.'

That's correct, I haven't had sex with you

don't really want to,

but thanks for the offer.

It's almost like I told them I don't eat or something.

Being ace is kind of like finding
everebody else sees a colour you don't

it's kind of hard to believe
that it's real.

Do you need to have sex to reproduce
or are you like an ameba?

Took me a long time
to realize that I was asexual.

Mostly because I didn't know it existed.

It was around Christmas,
when I was 20 years old,

That I was like:
'I'm pretty sure that this might be me.'

Took me a long time
to come to terms with that.

'Cause a lot of times
people try to tell you:

'You're not asexual.'

'That's such an extreme,
why would you jump to that?'

'Maybe you have a low sex drive
or maybe you haven't met the right person.'

I would define asexuality as,
first and foremost,

a lack of sexual attraction

but it can be accompanied
by a lack of sexual desire

or a lack of partnered sex.

I never have any desire
to engage sexually with anyone.

I can look at someone
and be aesthetically attracted to them

so, see that they would be attractive
to other people

but that doesn't have
any sexual connotation for me.

There's sort of a spectrum
is not a simple spectrum,

but people are -
you can be asexual or in the grey zone

so some people in the grey zone would
experience maybe some sexual attraction,

rarely on or under some circumstances.

I had always had crushes on people
and I didn't realize the distinction

between romantic attraction
and sexual attraction at that point.

You should know the difference between
someone's sexuality and their romance

because a lot of asexuals
aren't also aromantic.

Some people experience
romantic attraction-

lot people experience romantic attraction
to people of various genders

That's not specific to asexual people,

so your sexual orientation
and your romantic orientation

don't necessarily have to match up.

But it is only in the asexual community
that we have the language for that.

Is it a new thing? When did this pop up?
When did you decide that you are asexual?

Kinsey was one of the first
to really talk about asexuals

although he didn't use that word per se.

He didn't know how to categorise people
who didn't belong

to his fairly neat seven point scale,
where people are attracted to the same sex

and then you have this continuum
'attracted to the opposite sex.'

So he couldn't actually give these people,
these asexual people, a number.

So he actually called them 'X-es.'

And I was doing some analysis
of small probablity samples of Britain.

One of the questions asked
'are you attracted to men',

'are you attracted to women',
'are you attracted to both,'

and they gave another option,

and the other option was
'I'm not attracted to anyone at all.'

It just clicked in me that it was the missing
fourth category of sexual orientation

that really hadn't been studied before
in any extensive way.

About 1% of that particular sample
reported having no sexual attraction

to other people.

Ever.

So that the sort of working figure.

Anthony Bogaert was really the pioneer
as far as the academic studies of asexuality goes.

The asexual movement
really does need the credibility

that comes with academic research.

It's a very new community as a community.

It didn't exist as a community
until the Internet.

Now, the Asexual Visibility and
Education Network (AVEN)

which is the most well-known asexual
community online, massive forum, message ?

It is most people's first point of contact
in the English speaking world about asexuality.

That was founded in 2001 and that's
when the things generally took off.

they don't like boys, they don't like girls,
no attraction to anybody?

That exists?

I didn't know asexuality was a thing
for the majority of my life.

I stumbled across asexuality around
when I was about 14 or 15.

I didn't know the term 'asexuality'
until I was 16.

I first saw the word 'asexual' on tumblr.

It didn't really click
that I could be asexual.

I was just like: 'Oh, all have sex,
because I guess it feels good

and that's what people
expect people to do.'

I already had quite a few
sexual experiences

and I thought that maybe
I'm just not doing it correctly

or for whatever reason
I'm doing something wrong.

I remember thinking:

'I have to meet the right person
and then something will happen.'

But nothing ever did.

I wondered if something was off
about the way I perceived sexuality.

I was about 20 years old.

I didn't realize
that the rest of the world wasn't asexual.

I didn't realize that some people
literalily experienced sexual attraction,

that this was more than just a metaphor.

I found the definition on AVEN

and it basically just fit
and perfectly described me

so I've indentified with that ever since.

Because at the time I joined AVEN

there wasn't high quality
youtube educational content

I thought that there was a void there
so I wanted to fill that

and so I started 'Everything is A-okay'
and run that for about 4 months.

I saw that big list of LGBT resources,
one of which was asexual resources

And I clicked on a link and it was
wiki article on a romantic attratction

And that was actually kind of my click moment
and I was really excited

and I remember telling my sister that day:

'Oh, I'm gonna come out to you,
this is so exciting.'

My parents were initially
accepting of asexuality

after I went over for two hours
what it actually was

because they never heard of that before.

Up until I was 19 we all just thought
I was just the straight girl of the family.

and suddenly it was 'oh, nevermind'

I realised that I'm not,
sorry it took me so long.

Is asexuality actually a choice

or is it something that is beyond our control,

sort of chemical imbalance?

Celibacy is a choice,
something people actively pursue,

whether that's for religius reasons
or for personal reasons.

Asexuality on the other hand
is not a choice.

There is an oppression around it.

There's also a lot of misinformation
or lack of knowledge.

The primary challenges
that the asexual community faces

are invisibility and erasure.

People say 'Wait,
does that mean you never had sex?'

I get a lot of invasive questions.

'Are you sure that you're not just gay?'

'Wait, I thought you're asexual,
why are you dating somebody?'

'Does that mean you're not human?'

'Is it a phase?'

'How do you know
if you are not diagnosed?'

'Do you masturbate?'

They ask if I'd been abused as a child.

'Does that mean you have no emotions?'

'Does that mean you can't love people?'

'Do you wanna have sex with me
just to try it?'

I don't think many of us really register
that these questions are inappropriate.

I think there is a kind of suspicion
that to some degree

everybody is a sexual person,

and therefore, you know what,

just grow up already
and accept your sexuality.

Our is probably the only group
at the Pride Parade

being told by others in the Pride Parade
to go get out sexual orientations cured.

I've had a lot of offers for sex.

'Oh, well, you probably just
haven't had the right person,

I bet I can change your identity
if we just sleep together.'

Sometimes those offers
can be really aggressive and rude

and sometimes (point) a sexual harrasement,

sometimes rape jokes.

People are like:

'How are you oppressed?'

'It's not like anyone is forcing you
to have sex.'

But the world kind of does.

There's so much pressure and there's so much compulsive sexuality everywhere.

Even if you are in a really
homophobic community

you probably know that gay exists.

But that's not the case for asexualilty.

So the people grow up feeling alone, feeling broken.

It's difficult for people who are asexual,
in high school for example,

and have never heard of asexuality
so they feel like they don't belong.

One of my biggest frustrations

about dealing with people
who don't know or understand asexuality

is the idea that asexual people face no challenges,

that the world is all carefree

and you must have so much more time and energy

if you are not distracted by sexuality,

completely not acknowledging
any of the unique challenges

or struggles that we face as asexual people.

There are lots of types of intimacy without penetration.

There are lot of different ways of doing intimacy

and I do have intense relationships,
intimate relationships.

Right now
I have one significant person in my life

and this is definitely an intimate relationship.

It's not a romantic relationship

but it is in the category
we talk about queerplatonic relationships,

so those are relationships that are not romantic,
but they are also not,

they are not adequately
or properly described by friendship.

To an outsider
it probably looks like I just have a lot of friends

but they are more than friends.

They fill a larger spot in my life
than just a friend would.

I definitely spend a lot of time
and emotional energy

on having romantic attractions to people.

My lover wanting to actually be
in a romantic relationship

is different question.

I know that I do experience romantic attraction

but I'm not sure towards who yet

and that's something
I haven't quite figured out.

I have been involved with girls,
I have been involved with boys,

I have been involved with genderqueer people.

If we can find that asexual people
are not necessarily aromantic

it ends up suggesting that in sexual people

those processes of love and attachement to other people

can be also seperable or decouplebe?

And if you think about it that's true.

I mean, even movies talk about certain themes.

I went to see this movie about bromance, right?

And therefore this guys might be
very sexually oriented towards the opposite sex

and yet have this romantic inclination
to the same sex.

I think it's easier for us to love,

for those asexuals who are not aromantic.

it's easier for people to not confuse
your emotions for your desires,

maybe it's just me but I emotionally relate
to people very quickly.

All of my important relationships
have been friendships, and the truth is

I have alwyas functioned better
in groups than I have in one-on-one pairs,

even if it comes to just my friends.

so for me centering my life around
one partner I think would be limiting

and I think it would lead to me
feeling insecure a lot of the time

or feeling like I didn't have enough,
I guess.

I like big groups

so that's why polirelationships
are something that interests me

even though they are not something
I've actually really pursued.

I see multiple people at once,
I don't necesarily sleep with all them.

I don't know if all of them necessarily
consider themsleves seeing me in return

but to me I am romantically involved with
them, I get romantic needs met from them,

we spend time together, we cuddle together
and I can get that from multiple people,

because I don't need
that sexual exculsiveness.

Within an intimate setting
I personally would prefer monogamy.

I would be fine with having sex
and compromising on that standpoint

just because I'm not sex averse.

But I do realise it's not for all asexuals.

Everyone has sex, everyone loves sex,
sex is sex, right?

I'm one of these asexual people who-
I have had sex.

I've had partner where I had really hard time
negotiating the sex in the relationship,

and for me, one thing
that I tend to say to people

when I'm trying to describe my identity -
sex is not the object.

Sex is the means to the end for me.

I do it a lot of the time because I feel
an emotional connection with the person

and I really want them to feel it back.

And I realise that a lot of time people
get that through having sex, so I am like:

'Okay, well then, you know I care about you
and this makes you feel closer to me

so let's do it.'

But I've also got a lot of really
important relatioships in my life

that had nothing to do with sex.

I think the fact that I can separate
sex from that

make my relationships
a lot more interesting.

I am not willing to compromise on it,

and the truth is that I think a lot of the people

who are willing to compromise on it-

I don't want to sound, I don't know,

I guess - condescending,

but I worry about the level of consent
that's actually happening in those relationships.

We still have our sex organs,
women still have their clitorises.

I can still be stimulated,
they can still orgasm,

but they just don't desire it.

But it doesn't mean that it's bad
when it happens.

So it's like trying to explain that,

the difference between the physicallness of it

and the mentality behind it, the separation.

Having sex to please the partner.

having sex because you think
you owe that to a partner.

having sex because it just doesn't occurr to you

that maybe you can say 'no',

maybe you don't have to,

because that is what people do
in relationships.

Having sex, because you think

that your partner might leave you
if you don't.

And then it gets mixed up in a context
of compulsory sexuality,

where people are supposed to have sex,

where people are conditioned
from very, very young,

that this is what you're supposed to do.

I don't think we're ever going to get to a point

where compulsory sexuality is entirely removed,

especially because of the media
and the oversexualization of all marketing.

If you take a kind of a sexual view on our culture

you may go: 'Whoa, this culture
is so infused with very strange sexual elements.'

And ultimately just how saturated
our culture is with sex.

So we end up seeing sex to some degree
for what it is in terms of it being

yes, this passionate, very enjoyable activity
that many people are really, really interested in,

but it also is a bit mad, is a bit strange,

and we end up seeing from
an asexual person's perspective

just how mad it truly is to some degree,
even if the sexual people suffer from it gladly.

Challenging compulsory sexuality is
somehting that benefits everyone

and I think that plenty of people that don't identify
on the ace spectrum

would benefit from knowing that sex is not
an necessary requirement in a romantic relationships,

from having a better understanding,
your right to say 'no'

and I think being able to define your feelings
in that way can really be freeing

in terms of how you see
your relationships and how you see your life.

Are you happy?

And that'a all that matters.

I think as far as sexuality goes
we're really ona tipping point

as far as overall asexual awareness goes.

Just as the trans community
had their big break,

I guess, just within the last year
we have Laverne Cox on TV now

and we have all of these different
issues related to trans people

finally having some visibility
within generall society.

I think asexuality is falling
very closely behind

and we're no very far from having
the same kind of widespread visibility.

People need to agree and to get behind
the idea that we are the vast? community

and that some people experience
certain things and some people don't

and all of these people need to be
included under the umbrella of asexuality

when we talk about it.

What I personally would love to see eventually
is for us to be talking to mental health pracitioners

and to be talking to other health practitioners,

because that's one of the major areas
where people need to know about this

because a lot of aces have experiences
of being invalidated

in therapy setting and health care settings.

in therapy setting and health care settings.

Beacuse asexual people -
we're out there, we exist

and we're not gonna get this knowledge
and information, we're not gonna find each other,

we're not gonna come to understand
ourselves unless the tools are out there.

The idea that sex is not only natural
and normal and important for everyone

and a part of humanity connected with intimacy
and something you must participate in.

Having this conversation and unpacking that,

challenging that, is something that
can be beneficial I think to everybody.

Just by studying asexuality
we understand sexuality better.

I think if people wanna have sex, they should have sex,

they gonna have sex with whoever they want

but also don't make people feel broken
because they don't want to have sex.

And I think that if I can get anything accross
that's what I wanna get accross,

because I talk with other asexuals
and that is like one of the biggest things,

it's that before we can figure out who we are
or that we have a community we feel broken,

'cause society tells us
we're supposed to feel this way and we don't

and it's almost like there's something missing

and we're doing something wrong
and it's really isolating and painful.

If someone is not distressed
by their lack of sexuality

and their lack of sexual inclinations
to the others

and they're comfortable with themselves,
then I don't construe it as a problem.

I'm fine with my own asexuality

and if there were a cure
I don't think I'd want to pursue that

just because the asexuality
isn't something to be fixed.

We're sexy and we know it!